#desertbro

lmaooo, that was me back then. i’m sure we all go through this. it just takes persistence and a lot of curiosity to know how things work. i thought it would be easy but then i realized that i didn’t want to be a script-kiddy so i really had to dig in and study.. sure it looks fun in movies but it actually consists of waiting, learning basic admin stuff first, asking IT people 1 birrion software questions and getting side-eye from them, looking up shit 1000000x, looking for info in a wall of horrible code, confusion, more waiting, hitting a wall when i need to figure out something and failing, going great lengths to protect my ass with another person’s IP. and of course more checking and wondering “this is really dumb and i’m doing this”. 

i guess i should explain, haha. my heart felt really heavy when i posted it, it's too close to my core and i never feel any sort of dread when i draw. 

throughout my life i never had a sense of self-awareness or identity, because my parents and peers keep telling me to change to adapt to their standards. i have tried and succeeded. i adapt to communicate with these people. i have no face. people who see view my art might catch onto the pattern of headless beings and mangled faces because the main thing that i hate looking at is the face. it disgusts me when presented in a narcissistic fashion, it represents the ego and selfishness.

i cannot stand to look at my face but i understand that it's there and i can change a few things about it to a form that is generally acceptable. i've changed my hair, lost weight, got contacts. i still do not value my appearance, the body is a tool given to me to experience life and i need to take care of it. life and society is fun, hence why i make these little changes and just move on. if i had a chance, i would chop my head off but the most important organ is there: my brain. if someone told me to take a selfie, it would just be a photo of my brain. if i had a choice, i'd burn all my useless clothes and wear a uniform for the rest of my life.

BODYGUARD TERI. needs some boxin’ gloves, man.

ah man.. they’re not friends anymore. local people here are fucking annoying because they’re never honest with me. that’s why i gave up on FB. when my friend Andrew and i get chosen for freelance jobs we get ready for their passive-aggressive tweets on twitter. after 2 years, i’ve learned to accept that i can’t downgrade my art skills for losers, it’s uh.. scientifically impossible lmao.

i’m honestly tired of this because i work fucking hard to improve, i’m not happy with my art and nobody knows how much i study and compare myself to fit the industry standards these days, i’m crippled with self doubt so i find other things to laugh at besides myself. back when i was a designer i was just half-assing art because technical skills aren’t important for ad campaigns. now i’m becoming a 2D concept artist so reality slapped me once again. if i don’t change my field of work, i die unhappy. if i don’t improve, i starve. get better or die trying.

*clenches fist* Yeynbow is such a beautiful word..

i think it's awesome that your town has something like that. volunteer networks are hard to maintain in my country and a lot of people are too fucking lazy or selfish to help out. i had no idea Ferguson would explode like that and i have like 4-5 friends in that area so the most i could do is give them tips on what to prepare since i've been in riots before. the tricky thing is, i don't know what sort of canisters the US uses but i told them to use mineral water and salt (it's alkaline properties serves as an antacid). racists are shitty, people who obsess and put a certain race on a pedestal are equally shitty. it will take a long time before we see people as people. there are other things happening now as well, i'm glad to see that the people in your country no longer want to be silent. when i read the articles about the trials and cross-compared them, it was kind of clear.

america has blessed this barren third-world land with sanctuaries like Krispy Creme and Dunkin Doughnuts. one day we will meet up to go on an urbex adventure and we can stuff our faces with doughnuts at 4am.