#deseite

              ever the watcher, ever the listener. he sometimes feels no more than a fly on the wall,  a witness to the things that pass around him. meant to observe, but not to partake. you are not the focus, his own voice rings in the back of his head constantly, you are here to help. do not be selfish, do not feel too greatly.  wrap your own feelings neatly in paper,  and hide them in the back of your closet with the rest of your misgivings.               and yet  -  his lip trembles.  it quivers with emotion too long held in,  a grief never expressed.  we can't stay here,  goro had said,  a vulnerability on his face that ren was never too often privy too. a goodbye not deserved, a red string snipped between two fated only to destroy each other ( not love, never love ) .               there's a degree of anger in goro's voice as the pitch rises, and the dam ren so carefully constructed breaks,  if only slightly. he feels tears gather near his eyelashes, expressive eyes overflowing like a sink too full. the faucet of sadness, anger, betrayal  -  it drips and drips and overflows,  until he no longer has the energy to hold it back.   too long has he been quiet, he knows  -  too long has he been alone.  ren laughs humorlessly,  a pathetic sound as it rattles his lungs.                                                    is it such a bad thing, to want ?                                      '  -   i missed you.  '

        ‘   i shouldn’t forgive you.   i know  -  but if you would just listen . .    ‘    silence,  for a beat,  if only to catch his breath before   -   ‘   i don’t want to be angry with you forever.  you mean more than that to me.  what else can i do to make you see that    ?   ‘   he pleads,  trying to bridge the gap between them that seems bigger and bigger by the second.   ‘   you have to let me choose, goro.  please.  let me choose to forgive you.  let me choose to be happy with you.   what’s so impossible about that   ?   ‘         ren can feel the way he closes in on himself after even that small of an outburst, turning to sit down on the edge of his bed and run shaking fingers through his curls.  he collects his thoughts for a breath,   and starts to let them out before goro has another chance to twist things around.       ‘   i was angry at you.   is that what you want to hear   ?   i was angry at you,   i hated what you’d done and i hated everything that made you do it.  but what sense does it make to hold onto that,   huh   ?    i should just abandon you,   because of that   ?    act as if you haven’t changed, when i know for a fact you have   ?   . . .  it doesn’t make sense,   goro.   you have to let go.   ‘         there’s only a few quiet seconds before he searches out goro’s eyes,   pleading once more.   ‘  aren’t we happier together   ?   please,   don’t tell me i’m wrong about that.   please.   ‘

             𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐢𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬   of maruki's palace surround them, even in the quiet of the safe room. the white clashes against the vibrant red of goro's blood,  staining his clothes and the tabletop and ren's hands as he presses against the wound, even now  -  he's not freaking out, no matter what goro says, no matter what he sees. there is no room for panic in ren’s chest. as the leader, he must keep his cool, his calm, keep himself under lock and key while everyone else is able to feel. it doesn’t matter that everyone else has abandoned him, that they are living happy and in denial without him now. hardly a leader at all, and yet. no, there is no room in ren kurusu for panic and worry. he ignores the obvious bait for response, and opts instead to search with one bloodied hand through his pockets for something that can help.    "   can you put pressure on it  ?  "  

                  . . .     goro we’re literally dating

maybe he does want to go apeshit.