#descriptive audio

For some reason, I didn’t remember there being 10 whole minutes before Colin shows up in the movie. Then again, I probably fast-forwarded through those ten minutes every other time ;)

But here he is now: “The driver, Mark, pale with gingery stubble, shuts his eyes and grips the bridge of his nose with his right hand, looking exasperated.” Pale with gingery stubble is a funny way of saying “handsomest man ever” but I guess it’ll do XD

I don’t think I ever caught Mark’s joke in the parking lot, when Charlie’s blathering on about how he bought Shelley’s car for her. Implying the car is shitty, Mark half-laughs and says, “Maybe that’s why she dumped you.” XD Oh, Mark. You were an asshole right from the start, weren’t you?

Now, I will say that I am downright disappointed with the description of the scene where Charlie and Mark have a little tussle in the parking lot and they end up on the ground. For starters, the narrator doesn’t even SAY anything’s going on at first. You just hear the signs of a struggle and then Colin’s little “Uh, you’re on my... you know...” THEN the narrator says, “Pulling off a windscreen wiper, Charlie falls back on top of Mark.” And that’s it. No mention of Colin’s lovely pain face. No mention of his family jewels. I don’t think I have ever felt so bad for blind people before in my life. They deserve to know these wonders.

But at least we have this... “Mark, in a battered leather jacket, raises his eyebrows and bows his head, then follows [Charlie] down the corridor.” Thank the gods that blind people are still able to witness Colin’s strong eyebrow game.

“Mark looks lost.” Oh, lady, you have no idea how lost my son is.

LMAO The scene where Charlie says his phone’s at the bottom of the river is WAY funnier here. He just drops that bit of info, and then there is ABSOLUTE AND UTTER SILENCE for waaaaay too long, and then Colin’s “...Why?” breaks the silence and it’s hilarious. If there was such a thing as an audio reaction gif, I would absolutely make one of that moment.

Mark and Shelley are kissing now, and the lady’s monotone descriptions aren’t helping, lol. This lady’s bored-sounding play-by-play is just about the unsexiest thing ever. I’ve just decided that I never want to listen to a love scene in descriptive audio. Oh, great. I also downloaded Carrie Pilby like this.

So the alien’s put in an appearance now and chased after Chris, who has had his heart brutally ripped out of his chest and smooshed, and this monotone lady is like, “Charlie looks agitated.” Well, I should fucking hope so.

They’re in the air shafts now. Fortunately for me, I love hearing about men crawling... but this woman has somehow managed to make even that sound boring. “Mark crawls along behind [Charlie].” “Frowning, Mark crawls along a shaft.” “Mark crawls along, leaning on his elbows.” “Mark resumes crawling.” Can’t you be a little more... descriptive?

But, you know, it’s not ALL bad: “Charlie finds a pink dildo and hurls it down, looking disgusted. He sniffs his hand.” 

...and here we are at the big scene where Mark leaves Charlie. I was curious if the description of the scene would come right out and say he abandons him or just sort of gloss over it. As it turns out, they didn’t really make it sound like an abandonment. In fact, it almost seems less like abandonment without the visuals, because they go straight from the alien bursting through the metal and reaching for Charlie to Mark fleeing the scene - and it sounds totally justified, if anything. Interesting.

Now, this is one of those parts where I love the stripped down audio track, because Colin’s panicked and broken voice is flat out mesmerizing and I could listen to it forever and a day and never get bored. Damn, he is so good at emoting the things he’s emoting here. Terror. Despair. It’s just so... thick... and delicious and it’s truly hypnotizing.

Here’s a comical sound effect for you all - Mark hitting the floor after Charlie punches him seems ridiculously loud, like Andre the Giant hitting the mat in a cage match level of loud XD The accompanying description is every bit as dull as you’d expect it to be: “Mark tries to stop Charlie. Charlie fells him with a punch in the face. Mark holds his mouth. Charlie shakes his hand, as if in pain.”

Oh wow. “You think she came looking for you?” Wow. I don’t remember Mark saying that to Charlie the other times I watched this. What an asshole thing to do, implying that Charlie shouldn’t go after Shelley because she didn’t bother to go after him. Well, maybe she would’ve if you hadn’t told her “he’s gone; there was nothing I could do” as if he was completely fucking dead, you asshole XD

“Mark, open the door.” “Mark.” “Mark backs away from the door.” “Mark, what are you doing?” “Mark walks away from the door, looking distressed, then glances back.” Well, at least he’s distressed. I guess. “Charlie and the girls scream and hammer on the doors. Mark watches impassively.” Oh, nevermind. He’s apparently over it already XD

“Shelley slaps Mark’s face.” *slap* XD This is another comically loud special effect. Like, it sounds like The Slap Heard Around the World or something. Not that Mark doesn’t deserve it, of course. He does.

Oh wait! Here it is... We’re here!!! “The creature bursts through a window and grabs Mark. It covers his face with its clawed mouth parts, and consumes him.” Bye, Mark!