#derzimt

                    there’s a thickness in the air that’s threatening to suffocate the former bella as she waits anxiously outside of the bedroom door. it isn’t until she hears the door to the bathroom open that she goes in further. dangling from the shower head, on a silver chain, is a diamond ring. and as soon as adeline finds it she’s going to ask her to spend her life with her. no big deal. she can already feel sweat beading up on the back of her neck in nothing but nervous anticipation. she’s 99% sure the blonde is going to say yes but there’s always that possibility that she won’t. there’s always a shade of doubt in the back of her mind.

<3

                                    derzimt | ‘ i love you ’

                    beca’s always been a cold-natured person, so it comes as no surprise to her that what is a comfortable temperature for adeline is leaving her feeling chilled. they’re still attempting to adjust to living together and beca’s trying harder than she usually would to hide slight discomforts. needless to say she’s a bit annoyed when adeline notices her shivering as they sit on the couch, even beneath a large blanket. she contemplates denying it but realizes how silly that would be and she gives a small shrug.

               ❛ a little. --- if you wouldn’t keep it like a FREEZER in here i wouldn’t be. ❜

    Crowded backstage is filled with people of even the slightest importance,     the buzz of excitement surrounds them all. The adrenaline filled performers     flood the area and the acronym  D S M  now rages on from all of their lips.     Cersei, finding her way to Kommissar’s side, eyes the crowd for a while. She     herself is calm and collected, just like a lady ought to be. 

derzimt | this verse might be the literal death of me.

their bedroom door is standing wide open,    as it always is when beca isn’t in it.   adeline is asleep on the bed and beca’s decided to try and ignore  the  looming silence by busying herself with her work-related emails.  it’s easier for her to pretend to look at them than to think about how much thinner and paler adeline has been lately, and how little energy she’s had. but,  eventually,  she does manage to shake these thoughts for a little while. and as soon as she does she hears adeline’s voice calling her name.  the second she hears  it  she  immediately  abandons  her  laptop  and  goes.

                         “ hey baby. i’m still here.                               --can i get you anything? ”

even as she asks she’s  already  thinking  about  running to the kitchen and fixing her a glass of water,   or maybe even a small plate of food to see if she can hold it down.   anything to add a little more color to her face.     instead of doing this though she stops, completely frozen  in the doorway when adeline speaks. her only request comes in the form of,     “ just hold me. ”     & beca feels her stomach turn to stone and her heart to lead. she doesn’t move from her place in the entryway.  it isn’t the words themselves that have  thrown her into chaos but it’s the tone in which the words have been spoken.   adeline knows something and beca now knows it too.   she’s shared a secret with her but without actually saying it.      and she can’t escape it regardless.

beca hesitates,    even thinks of telling her ‘no’ and going back to the other room;   but the look on adeline’s face tells her that to do either of these things would be a mistake.     so she gathers up as much courage as  she  can  muster  and she slowly puts one foot in front of the other until she reaches their bed.     she’s been sick for too long now.    so long that beca’s lost count of the days.   all she wants is for the love of her life to stop hurting,       but despite this   wish   she   selfishly   also    wants   her   to   stay   with   her.

she crawls into the bed,            limbs numb and heart pounding so hard it hurts,         and she sinks beneath the blankets,           arms winding   around   the   blonde   woman   and   pulling   her   close. she’s  been  avoiding  the  thought  of  death,       actively avoiding it.              she  knew  from  the start it wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with it,                    and now that she’s literally holding a dying woman   in   her   arms   she       knows   putting   it   off   was   the absolute worst approach;                   but there’s not much she can do about it at this point.                  her mind is racing with anything and everything she might want to say,                     but she’s afraid of  opening  her  mouth   to   speak   for   fear   that   all   she’ll   do is cry.                       her chin rests atop the crown of her head for a moment   before   she   presses                her   lips   there   instead.

                                                 “ adeline... ”

her  fear  of  crying  is  validated   when  her  voice  comes  out  as nothing more than a croak.        with the way she feels, she wishes she could just let go and die with her.            if her body came with an off  switch  she  knew  she  would  use  it  right  now  instead of sitting alone in the room when adeline’s fight left her.   and despite how hard she  was  trying she couldn’t keep hot tears from spilling over onto her cheeks.   as soon as they do she feels her lover shift and suddenly she’s the one holding beca,       and beca feels more helpless than she’s ever felt.   there’s nothing she wouldn’t give up to keep this woman with her,      to have someone to grow old with.

                             “ please. -- please don’t go. ”

it’s definitely  the  most  selfish  thing she can ask of her but she’s desperate.   she feels adeline nuzzle in against her hair,   feels tiny kisses being pressed against her head,       and she hears the soft sound of adeline shushing her.      she turns in against her and she wraps her arms around her waist,      face burrowing in against her shoulder, and she silently cries.     tears freely streaming down her cheeks and jaw  clenched  despite  the  burning  in  her throat and the ache in her chest and stomach.          she gives herself several seconds to get it out of  her  system  before  she pulls back to get a good look at her wife--her soulmate.       it’s heartbreaking to her how utterly exhausted she looks.       and no matter how much she wants her  to  stay  she’s  so  ready   for  her  suffering  to  be over.

a hand comes up  to  gently  cup  adeline’s  cheek  and she feels a wet line where she must have shed a few tears as well.   her thumb brushes her cheek and she mimics this motion with the other hand.

                        “ i wish i could go with you. ”

to which she’s met with a stern, but weak, “ beca. ”  and beca nods simply to signify that she knows. adeline would never wish this,  but beca wishes it with every fiber in her being.    but instead of arguing she leans in and presses a soft,  sweet kiss to her lips, and then she presses another to her forehead.   her entire body feels hollow when she speaks again but she knows if  she doesn’t say it now she’ll end up changing her mind and never saying it.   she knows it’s the single hardest thing she’ll ever have to say,       giving ‘permission’ to let go.

                   “ adeline i’m so proud of you.             you’re so, so strong. the single strongest            person i know. and i love you more than                 i’ve ever loved anything or anyone. ”

her tears have returned,    relentlessly flowing down her face as she keeps adeline’s face in  her  hands  and her eyes on those icy blues.

              “ i don’t want you to hurt anymore.            ( & she’s pausing to keep from crying. )                   just relax, baby. stop fighting.                          i love you. i love you. ”

         tagged by: derzimt

1) why did you choose your url?

because beca x kommissar are my life blood. 


2) what is your middle name?

nicole

3) favourite quote?

i honestly don’t even have one, does that make me lame??


 4) favourite colour?

purple


 5) favourite song?

there are entirely too many songs in the world for me to pick one.


 6) what are your top five fandoms?

marvel

pitch perfect

pretty little liars

the 100

all the rest suck tbh


 7) why do you enjoy tumblr?

i don’t, but i love writing and roleplaying and there are tons of outlets for that over here so... here i am. i mean, i do enjoy meeting new people so i guess there’s that too idk.


 8) tag all 9 of your tumblr crushes / or nine random people because reasons