#depthz

I'm dedicating this to the empty attempt to store you away out of my life in hopes that I can move on from what's left of me. That I can learn to keep my walls thinner and lower, that I can have the courage to put faith in someone else in order to pursue happiness.

I'm dedicating this to the fact that I will never ever attempt to be anything more with you ever again. And that's something I've never believed. I always knew that if you came back I'd welcome you the same way I did the first time, but not anymore.

This is dedicated to me limiting myself to acquaintances with you, if that much.

I've concluded this with a mix of forgiveness and relief. I already forgave you for anything and everything that has happened. But now I've finally managed to forgive myself for the things I've said and the actions I've taken. I think that was the main thing behind my inability to let go. I forgive myself for the hatred I demonstrated and the cold shoulder I offered. I forgive myself for being so naive and expecting my first love to be my last love. I forgive myself for acting so bitterly selfish when it came to having you. I never cared about anything else, I didn't care about my friends or who I shut out, I always focused on you and I lost a lot of people because of that stupid inconsideration. I forgive myself for losing focus on who I am, and I'm bringing myself back to the compassionate, selfless, and confident Jeszi. So far confidence has been the most difficult to achieve but I've got a good front on lock.

I felt so dirty. I was covered in regret and spiteful mistakes. The residue from the filthy things I've said to you is finally starting to come off. I'm in the process of cleaning myself up and my heart already feels lighter.

I'm letting go.

I'm actually doing it, not just saying it so people can leave me alone. I can feel the difference and I'm so close to being able to look back on us with a smile rather than a glare.  I'm tired of feeling angry all the time. At first, I was always upset and I was hurt and when you were brought up I would walk away. Then it transitioned to anger and when you were brought up I would become furious and say I didn't care, but I don't have the energy to spend on that anymore. I'm not going to waste my time and keep blaming my heartache on you when ultimately it was my fault. Ari said so herself, and she made many valid points in her post about me. I'm proud of her for not saying something to me directly because I'm sure it was extremely difficult not to. I know if it were switched, I would have said something without hesitation. 

I'll never be able to express my gratitude towards the way you handled me. It could have been much worse and I'm sure you had plenty to say, but you didn't. I'll always be thankful for that because I would've spiraled into a monster that could never be cured. I don't have the words to fulfill the proper apology you deserve. I wouldn't know how to say it and regardless what I managed to muster up it still wouldn't meet the standards. You deserved better, you always did. I always told you, and I warned you several times that I'm not good enough but even I surprised myself with my reaction to everything.

You're right, I was sophomoric, and I've always been that way if it involved losing you.