#depression week

I’m a bit worried that weekly injections will cause my low T symptoms to occur weekly rather than get rid of them. if that happens I can switch back to biweekly or reevaluate my dose, but neither of those options sound good to me. I’m going to cross my fingers that a more regular dose will prevent me from crashing. stay tuned as I continue to fuck up my hormones I guess XD

I don’t know if this is better. normally I would get a huge mood boost after my shot which would last for about 7 days, and the final 4~ before my shot would be really difficult depression/anxiety days. this time I didn’t get any boost, there were really no noticeable effects from my shot even besides 3 days of constant headaches. I’m not happy right now, though I’m not exactly unhappy. I just don’t have any energy, I’m not looking forward to things, I’m not even smiling as a default like usual. I know T messes with my hormones and therefore my mood, but I know myself and I know I’m a happy person. that ‘boost’ after my shot was just putting me back where I should be... it’s too soon to know whether the lower dose is entirely to blame or if I’m also burning out from uni (which I know I am XD and there’s nothing to be done about it). I’ll likely do another week of weekly doses to see if it’s environmental or not. I’m just a bit disappointed that I have to choose btwn happiness with hard crashes or no happiness but no sadness either... I don’t want to bump my dose up at all but at this point it’s looking like 80mg/month isn’t cutting it :(

Guess who is crying themself to sleep again! This time it follows having wrapped the gifts I got for my family and being physically unable to write my birth name in the “from:” spot on the gift tags and being unable to write any name I wanted so compromising and writing “ Child #1” since I’m the oldest on my parents gifts and just “😜” on my bros present. Low key not okay. A lot of shit happened in my family around thanksgiving and that pretty much had me thinking that for the sole reason of my family already having so much shot to deal with that I would/could never come out because it would just be burdening them more. I decided I was going to grow my hair back out cause that’s a slow thing and stop going to pride meetings at school and phase some more “feminine” clothes back into my wardrobe like no more wearing suits and get a dress for fancy stuff. Delete this blog, unfollow everyone trans on tumblr that I currently follow, completely purge that part of my life. I made that decision during my time back at school between thanksgiving and holiday break. But I’ve been home now for almost two weeks and I don’t think I can do it. I thought it would be easy, I’ve been living this triple life for over a year (closeted w/ family, closeted w/ school & some ppl, out to some ppl) and I thought I could just delete life #3 and consolidate #1 and 2. It’s not going to work. I won’t survive if I do that and the triple life thing has been hurting me for a long time. My mental health has been suffering. The only option that I haven’t tried is just coming out and seeing what happens.