#depression talk

Whenever you feel your depression starting to flair up...

...watch Bluey

I. DON'T. CARE. THAT. IT'S. A. KIDS. SHOW.

It's sooo freaking good and hecka emotional for a kids show, and it always somehow makes my depression go away for a bit lolllll

As someone who had depression and then recovered, who’s very aware that they can feel themselves relapsing.

I’ve noticed how I react now.

The first time? I barely even realised. And when I did, I rarely did anything about it. Hell, I joked about it. Depressing music playlists with cheesy names and going “haha this is so me,” halfheartedly.

Now?

has been pretty ghastly year and i think things Will get easier once i've had a break between terms (m a n i f e s t i n g)

it's my first year teaching year-round atop all the Life Events things and that in itself was probs inevitably going to drain me

but am just v tired of baseline state being "waah whaa :( :( sad :( lonely :( tired :( fearful :("

is v boring!

and i'm v grateful for lots of things this year too

but i'm just at the point of fatigue where i can't CBT my way out of feeling so sad all the time, bc i just don't have the stamina to push through the Retraining my Brain to focusing on those good things rather than just feeling like i'm just floundering in the rising water of my own unhappiness

and that's only gonna change when i've rested a bit

which is soon!

but it's a big couple of weeks to get through first

120 assignments 2 mark

1 conference paper to write

1 conference to get through

1 end-of-term meeting to get through lots of travel to get through

ok! so, your shame is lying to you. it is okay to exist. you have a place in the world by dint of existing in the world. it may not be the place that you want, but it is yours.

the space that you occupy is a positive space. you have touched every moment that you have been involved in. i won't try to be snappy & positive; im not sure i can manage it. however, i think that if we can just accept that we exist as we are, within the world as it is, we can get ourselves to a neutral attitude. a neutral attitude is something we can build upon, slowly but steadily. shame and judgement are not.

and before somebody comes at me for being ~negative~, i believe false positivity is even worse. forcing it makes it worse.

i've written a variation of this post 6 times and kept deleting it 'cause it's too dark too personal too whatever but

i rewatched daniel and depression and it's so scary that he'd go out without his phone and not telling anyone where he was going at a time where at LEAST phil would've known he was struggling.

and as someone who used to have a propensity to disappear when i was depressed, and as someone who's had friends disappear in a similar way, it's just so fucking scary. it's scary that he didn't have a way to reach out to someone at any moment. it's scary that phil couldn't figure out where the person he loves most was when he knew he could be a risk to himself.