#deppersion

I'm spiraling and it won't stop the only time I feel free is when I'm intoxicated and that's not good

It makes me so mad to know that the version of me that I so desperately want is buried under this version of me that's scared all the time worrys alot is angry is In pain just all this negative bullshit i feel like I've been sad for like 5 years and I don't like it everyday for a while now feels like a fight and I so desperately want everyone to be ok I hope one day I won't have to fight anymore and I hope that everyone and everything will be ok I hope for a day I won't wake up in the middle of the night sick and crying and I won't spend the entire day trapped in my own worry and my brain will stop thinking I'll feel at peace ......tonight is yet another night I have to fight with myself I've been fighting with myself so much lately .....I wish for the day that i no longer have to fight i can just live ......remember be nice to yourself . Take it a day at a time

I fucking 201ed myself (idk I think it's called that)last night and they discharged me saying "we couldn't find any hospital to take you they suggested outpatient" I sat in the hospital ER room crying in silence I told them I felt like i was gonna hurt myself ... i got discharged and had to pay 100$ copay. 100$ to sit in a room. Tho the hospital I want to was great they really did try to find me a place but staying in a room for 10 hrs straight exhausted as fuck and then being woken up to "nobody can take you "is exhausting I cried and had panic attacks it was so horrible I really tried to get help