#deleting eventually

It’s leap of faith season, y’all. However, attempting to find out which leap of faith is the right leap is proving to be the most difficult part of this process. I guess it’s not really a leap of faith if there’s more than one leap...

The universe is sending me so many signs, but I keep second guessing things. A few weeks ago, I was so sure that I should move back to Atlanta (on a whim). SO SURE. Like,  folks have actually seen my work and want to work with me. I haven’t gotten used to that. I still may move, though. Very little has changed, however, the things that have changed are immensely significant.

Might say fuck it and walk away from the whole thing. Like, entirely. The original plan was to move away and start anew. Wipe my hands clean of the entire situation. Friends and allat. The business isn’t right, and people have proven themselves untrustworthy on innumerable occasions. As much as I love art and music, I’d rather walk away than fall out of love with them. I’ve seen far too many people get taken advantage of by opportunists to be one of them. No shady business dealings over here.

Actually, more than one person (people very close to me, no less) has told me to stop dealing with you, and much to my detriment (and chagrin), I don’t have the heart to listen to them. I just can’t see the futility in it all right now. I try to overlook the wrong that you’ve done in the past (and are still doing) and give you opportunities to disprove them, but maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe you truly have served your purpose, whatever that may be. Identifying a negative presence in your life isn’t the hard part--removing it is. 

My brother Tim told me to text you and tell you I missed you. And, as much as I actually do, I can’t. My pride won’t let me, for some reason. I’m never like this. It might be because you know so much about me. So intimate, so quickly. The hardest part about this whole whatever-it-is is keeping everything to ourselves and cutting out the middle (wo)man. Communication should never be this difficult. That may be a sign, eh?

You ever ask your friends what their ambitions/goals are? That question alone will reveal everything about the direction of your friendship. 

Thank God for my homegirl. If she doesn’t like you, then there’s no chance that we’re gonna do anything. There’s nothing like a support system.

It’s weird; people have actually been there for me over these past few weeks. I was at my lowest and people who weren’t even my family supported me during one of the roughest times of my life. Some of them barely knew me. I guess if you give people the opportunity they’ll rise to the occasion sometimes. Just gotta open up more. Ironically enough, the one person who was supposed to be there, wasn’t. Can’t put it all on you, though.

My family keeps asking what happened and I can’t really give them an answer. I try to be PC about it, but if I truly had my way, I’d throw you under the bus and drag you through the mud. I think? You make all these plans for the future and then one day they’re gone, DRASTICALLY altering the course of your life. My mom asked the most simple question a few weeks ago, and while I immediately had the answer then, I’m not so sure now. “What does Matthieu want to do?” I don’t even know how to feel about the whole situation.