#delete...later???

just a bit of cos’ rambling. you know the drill. 

HURF squeaks got into it again on this one boys. So, if you were keeping up with progress stamps, you’d notice that Pit took like...a stupid amount of time to get done. I mean i started, stopped and re-worked the project about 4 times. Most of that was because despite the fact that I love the character...i had such a hard time motivating myself on that project. It felt like an obligation. Picking up fabrics made me feel like a disgruntled Ross employee. I didnt want to do it, and not because it was hard, but because my heart wasn't in it or w/e. i really disliked it, and tbh? I would catch myself wishing i had never taken on the project. I’m glad the project is over, and again: LOVE PIT and wearing the cos makes me happy, but it was a miserable production experience. it wasnt fun, it wasn’t enjoyable, like a HOBBY should be. I never want to work like that again. 

I really need to like working on cosplay, since its one of my most viable coping mechanisms. Working on something fun and enjoyable is a great way to calm down from bad symptoms, distract myself from delusions, or keep myself from doing anything dumb while manic. Botching a seam on a manic high is much less dangerous than breaking things, splurge spending, or impulse driving off to god knows where. Its also consistently positive, and does not have risk of negativity like socialization can, where i can overburden them, wrap them into a delusion, or breach boundaries. 

but now im cautious. I’m planning on doing Dancer Inigo, and i’ve already sunk some finances into it...but i  feel exactly like i did with Pit. Its not fun, its not enjoyable, i dont like working on it. i feel frustrated and unmotivated. im really worried that this is going to become a trend. NOW GRANTED: legit...on every cos ive ever done,I spend the first half being super over dramatic and hating it, but eventually i catch on. its just that that never happened with Pit until the whole thing was done. it was rough and i dont want that to happen again.