#deity lover

“Just a little more,” they whisper, lips shaping the words carefully on your collarbone. They blink, the whirling day cycle of their body reaching the height of darkness, of night. Stars scatter through their hair while their cold fingertips trace whorls of frost over your chest. Generally Equinox prefers a humanoid form when they’re with you, two arms and legs, but you think they might be shifting tonight, might have snuck extra fingers on their hands as they stretch their arms around you. The frost follows, a thick band of chill that makes you suck in a breath, trying to keep your teeth from chattering. 

“Please,” you gasp, when the frost feels like it’s starting to grow close to your bones. You clutch a little tighter to them, as if that will help drive the chill away, but they must be satisfied with the frost for now. 

Equinox murmurs your name, pressing their fingers to either side of your spine, and then nibbles along your jaw. Heat blooms, soothing the cold ache, but they’re more careful now. The heat never gets to be too much, feels more like a warm bath, driving away tension, before they drag their hands back to your chest. Equinox brushes thumbs over your nipples, the tip of their tongue touching your earlobe, and then the frost crackles over your skin again, spider webbing through your veins faster than lightning.

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My grandmother took me to a group of elders in the village, wise old women whose knowledge was sought to cure pains and wounds, and to explain the oddities of the world. They were secretive and quiet, but the air around them was a warm welcome once in their presence. To them, I was someone who could see, and they decided to use me.

They took me to the temple beyond the village and high up on the hill. I had often seen the smoke coming from there when the oracles were at work. It had always captured my imagination, wondering what it was like in the temple and who the oracles were talking to. The closer we got to the temple, the more I became afraid. I felt like I was being left alone in the dark, even though it was broad daylight out. I screamed and cried, overwhelmed by it all as we came to the doors of the temple.

The elders handed me over to a priestess who spoke no words to me. She simply carried me away as I kicked and screamed. The temple was my nightmare. Everything I had feared in the dark was here, and there was no way I could escape it.

I was dressed in ceremonial robes and placed in a room lit with torches. The room was dark, and the air around me was cold. I was told to sit still and to listen. I was shaking so badly that I could barely catch my breath. I wanted to run, to scream, to fight, to fly, but I was frozen in place, trapped in this room of torches and winter air. The air started to shift around me, waves of warmth and cold. The torches flickered in such a way they danced like spirits. I shut my eyes tight, tucking my head down so that my shoulders squeezed up around me.

I heard whispering, so soft and faint that I thought I was imagining it. The voice didn’t grow louder, only clearer. The whispers brushed against the nape of my neck and blew my hair around my face. The robes I was wearing started to lift from my body, floating like a bubble around my small frame. All the while, the voice was becoming much clearer, much more prominent. It was speaking to me in several tongues, using words I didn’t understand, voices I had never heard before.

I dropped to the floor in fear, covering my head with my arms, sobbing out loud. The wind stopped, the air settled into warmth, the torches stopped dancing, and the voice became quiet again.

“Do not cry, little one,” the voice said gently. “It is not my intent to scare you so.”

I kept myself huddled down.

“The priestesses think you are the one who can speak to me,” the voice whispers. “That you have been able to sense me all this time. If so, I would very much like to know you name, to know all of you.”

I sniffled slightly. The presence that the dark used to hold over me was changing. It was still there, but it felt like sunlight. I raised my eyes, lifting my forehead from the floor. Ahead of me I saw a little lamb drenched in a radiant light unlike anything I had ever seen. I lifted myself further from the ground as the little lamb came towards me. It nuzzled my palm, then licked the tears that still clung to my face. Its eyes were like lit gemstones filled with colors I had never seen before.

I stroked the lamb’s head, slowly starting to smile at it.

“You see me as you need to see me,” the voice said. “That is alright. No one can truly see me without some sacrifice.”

“What are you?” I whimpered.

“I am the beginning and I am the end. I have seen the dawn and I will see the evening,” the voice said with a chuckle. “I am what I am, and I can be what you make of me.”

The little lamb gazed up at me, inching closer until it was laying in my lap. “Are you a god?” I asked timidly.

“I have been called that. I have also been called a demon. I am good. I am wicked. As I said, I can be what you make of me. The priests and priestesses here think that you may know me well enough to answer them on this question.”

“Why are you here?” I asked softly. “If you are all these things, why stay here?”

The voice was silent for a moment, and the lamb lifted their head from my lap. “I could go anywhere, couldn’t I?” Their voice was even and gentle. “I was told that humans were temporary and therefore unimportant, but I grew curious about you. I watched humans for a long time and I had never seen such strange, bewildering things. I was drawn to you and so I stayed with you. All I have ever wanted was to help, serve, even love you.” The lamb nestled back down. “Who are you?”

“Clef,” I answered them.

“Hello, Clef,” they said to me. “Are you still scared of me?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I replied.

“That is alright. To us, time is different, and you have much of it to get to know me. I am only afraid I do not have as much,” they said cryptically. “It is something that has always baffled me about humans. Your life is so short, and yet, you claim your lives are so long. From everything I have witnessed, the fleetingness of it is like a stream. One second it’s there, and the next it has washed away.”

I decided on my own that what I spoke to in that room was a god. They were something I could not define, and being so young, I was not yet ready to figure that out. The leaders of the temple begged me to define them, and I understood that they did not listen to the being in the room. They only wanted something in return for their worship.

From then on I was asked to commune with the God for them. I was still terrified each and every day I was placed in that room. I wasn’t sure what I was going to witness while I was there. Sometimes it was the lamb, other times there was a tree, or maybe a bear cub, but it was always something that I needed in that moment. Their form was not for me to see, so instead I created an illusion around it, as would anyone who gazed upon them.

It was my job to bring prayers to the god from the people, or to ask for assistance from them. During the mornings I would sit at an altar as people from the village came to lay down their offerings in hopes their prayers would be answered. In the evenings I was left in that room, delivering the prayers to the god. I started calling them my friend, as they gave me no name. Either they had forgotten, or it was not my place to know, let alone understand.

I grew up with my friend watching over me, talking to me, and guiding me through childhood. I was so young when I met them, but I was growing into an adult and slowly coming into a place where everything was changing.

There was a priest in the temple who had never even looked at me when I was a child. To him I was a tool used to talk to my friend. As I started to grow though, his eye turned to me more frequently. He was around often after I took prayers, helping me to carry the offerings away from the altar. He was around the pools when I went to bathe. It was becoming hard to not notice the change in him.

One day, I was laying prayers before my friend, and they stopped me by placing their hand upon my head. “There is something wrong with you, Clef. There is a tension that hangs around you and is pulling you tight. Please tell me, what troubles you?”

I looked up at my friend, seeing more light than any sort of shape. There was something human about them, and it had been like this for a while now. It was as if I was trying to build a shape for them, but I couldn’t make up my mind what it should be. So I kept my friend shapeless but beautiful until I knew what I wanted.

“One of the priests here has taken an interest in me,” I explained softly. “He is helpful and kind, but he was never that way when I was young. His closeness, I know, comes from a good place, but something about it bothers me. I feel bad that I can not accept his kindness and only feel discomfort when he is around. He tells me to be grateful, and I know I should, but I cannot muster any sort when he says this. Does this make me a bad person, my friend?”

My friend was quiet for a long moment. “Has he touched you?” they finally murmured, ending the silence.

“Sometimes,” I answered.

“Is that what makes you uncomfortable?” Something about my friend’s voice sounded strange, almost strained and uneasy.

“I can stop talking about this,” I told my friend. “It isn’t important.”

A shape emerged from the light. Strong hands took hold of mine and pulled me forward. I could see a face, but I was still unsure of its features. “Tell me,” my friend whispered. “I need to know.”

I squeezed their hands. “Yes,” I answered. “I do not like it when he touches me.” Shame rose up inside me. “I wish he would leave me alone again.”

My friend held  me, wrapping long arms around me as my cheek found a warm chest. They were silent again, and they were until I left.

The following morning, as I went to the altar to hear prayers, the priest was by the door. I noticed he had strange, small marks on his face and hands. Over the next few days, the marks grew bigger. They turned bright red, and soon had white and yellow heads on them. He started to scream about how painful they were. One day I was called to hear a special prayer, and I found him laying in the center of the room with incense being waved over him. Some of the priestesses were by his side, humming and praying over him. As I knelt by his side, he could barely speak. His hand raised, covered in boils and wounds. He died before I could even hear his last prayer.

I went to my friend, shaken to my core. I had never seen anything like that in all my life. It was revolting and pitiful, and I could not imagine the pain that the priest was in. As I looked at my friend, I saw that they looked more human than I had ever seen them before. They were beautiful, and I ran into their arms crying.

“I do not understand,” I cried to them. “It was so awful!” I looked up at them, still not quite seeing their face. “Why must we suffer so much? Why do things like that happen?”

“He died?” My friend asked.

I nodded, wiping my tears away. “I don’t know what it was. He grew so sick. All this-” I held my hands around my face. “Bile had risen up all over him and took him over.”

“I see,”  my friend said calmly. “So he will no longer be bothering you. That’s good.”

I looked up at him, a strange feeling coming over me. “Good?” I asked. “Aren’t you supposed to be looking out over us?”

My friend is quiet.

“Why is it good that he died?” I asked more quietly. “Did you-” I gasped softly and stepped back. “He suffered so much! He was screaming all the time at the end.” I shook my head slowly as I felt an uneasiness in my belly. “Did you do that to him?”

“He was hurting you,” my friend replied calmly. “Or he was going to hurt you eventually. The way you felt around him was a warning. I could not allow someone like him to walk around as a threat, so I took care of him.”

I shook my head slowly as I removed myself further from them. “You can make people suffer like that?” I whispered. “You can cause such pain and misery, and yet act like you do not care at all!” I stood up from the floor. “Do you even answer these prayers?” I cried out. “Do the offerings and their pain not reach you at all?”

“Have I not done all that you asked me to?” my friend said in a soft voice.

“I did not ask you to hurt him!” I blurted out, grasping my hair and pulling. “I thought you were good!”

My friend rose from the ground. “I told you when we first met that I was neither good nor bad, simply that I am. I am what you make of me.”

“I didn’t want him to die!” I cried.

“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t matter,” my friend said. “Humans are such brief things, it simply does not matter if he lived or died.”

“I thought you said you loved humans!” I surged towards them, thrusting my hands out at them in desperation. “I thought you said you wanted to help us! To serve us! And yet you stand here and say we don’t matter to you?”

My friend tilted their head to the side slightly. “I wish to make things better for humanity. It is not my fault that you all come and go so quickly.”

“So you just decide what matters?” I whispered. I shook my head again as tears streamed down my face. “You get to make up what is important?” I looked them over, seeing less and less of them.

“I have done everything you asked of me,” my friend replied. “I have given life, I had supported life, I had made death easier, and I have helped to sustain.” They reached out towards me and I wrenched away from them. “I have made this land and the people fertile! Is that not what you wanted?”

“I wanted you to care!” I cried. “I wanted you to do it because I thought it was why you were here!” I fell to my knees like a child. I lay on the floor, covering my head as I cried, much like the day I first met my friend. I breathed in deep as I sobbed, feeling that weight upon me again.

“I thought you understood,” they whispered. “I thought you knew what I was better than anybody.” They knelt down on the ground before me. “There is no one out there who can see me like you. I needed you. I called out for you. Please, do not leave me again. I could not bear it.”

I remained silent as I lay on the floor. I did not know how to talk to them. All this time with them and I had placed so much upon them. I was still young, so young. I did not understand them except with the view I had held since childhood. I would never understand them.

“You cannot make people suffer,” I sobbed as I rose from the ground. “You cannot make people hurt, please, I beg of you.” I reached out towards them again. “Promise me! You have to promise me!”

Their hands touched mine. “I promise,” my friend whispered. “I swear, I will not cause that suffering again.”

I took them into my arms, holding them tight as their head rested on my shoulder. I thought perhaps, if I could reach them, then maybe I could see them more. Maybe I could help them to see humanity more. Like I said, I was young still and I had yet to learn about the world myself. I was naive and clinging to my childhood view of things. I wanted my friend to see things through my eyes, but they were far too old for that. They would never be able to see the world with the newness I could.

The world was changing. New temples were being built with new gods to fill them. Fewer and fewer people came to our temple. Those who did were women who were pregnant or wished to become pregnant. Our temple changed, and my friend became a god of fertility within a blink of an eye. I watched as the gods became numerous and I could hear them whispering from all around.

The temple was growing empty. The priests were either dying or moving on. The priestesses were lingering, but there were so few left. I stayed out of duty, knowing that I was the only one who could talk to my friend and perhaps make them listen.

Years went on, and my friend took more of a shape. I saw a beautiful human when I looked at them, although I thought more and more that was what my friend wanted me to see, and not what I wanted to see.

There is prosperity in the world, but there is less gratitude. The prayers I receive lately feel more like wishes of entitlement than those of desperate need. The offerings are not what they used to be either, and the whispers I hear speak of leaving rather than remaining. I fear that one day humanity will wake up to a world without a god.

“You look troubled,” my friend says to me one day. “You look sad.”

I have been in this temple most of life. I was afraid to come here as a child, and now I am afraid to leave it, even though my importance is fleeting. I turn and look at my friend, knowing I am not a young child anymore. I smile at my friend, taking their hand in mine.

“Will you leave me?” I ask them.

“No,” their answer is quick and final. “I love you,” they whisper to me. “I love you like I have never loved anything else.” They touch my cheek and wind their fingers through my hair. “All I want is to remain with you.”

I take hold of their hand, kissing their palm before looking into their bright eyes. “But you cannot,” I tell them. “You have always said that humans are temporary and that we do not matter.” I give them a smile. “I am the same. I will not last long. You should learn to love more, feel more, see more. If you ever wish to fulfill your desire to serve humanity, you must learn to use your love for me elsewhere.” I kiss their cheek as their fingers tighten in my hair.

“You said that you are what you are, but you are not being anything,” I whisper to them. “You must learn something more.”

“But I can’t,” my friend replies.

“I pray that you do,” I tell them. “I pray that as the world changes, as it grows, and as it continues far into the horizon, you find something of yourself.”

I kiss their lips, gasping softly at the sensation. I lean closer to them, kissing them again as a warmth rushes through me. I stop another kiss from happening, pressing my fingertips against them.

“Tell me,” my friend whispers, “do you love me too?”

I smile at them and press my forehead to theirs. I do not answer, because I am afraid. I am far too fast for them, and I know I am leaving soon. I am afraid that my friend will be forgotten when I go. I hope that one day my friend will leave and go with the other gods. I hope they do not have to see the suffering I begged them not to cause.

The world erupts and all at once goes quiet. The temple is destroyed, the world is chaos. As the invading masses tear the village apart, my friend does exactly as I have asked them to. They do not cause any suffering, although they often question why. They watch people die.They see blood and carnage. They watch as the ground smolders, only leaving behind ash that blows away on the wind. My friend stands in what remains of the temple, and realize they loved something that was never theirs. They stay too long, like I feared. They become a ghost in a world that once saw them as a god.

I glance over, seeing Avery sitting up from his cot. He looks just as exhausted as I feel. His freckled-covered face is younger than mine, but so haggard that it speaks of an age he hasn’t reached yet.

I smile at him and shake my head. “Weird dream again.” I flex my fingers, wondering how they still feel cold even though I was dreaming. “You sleep any?”

Avery shakes his head. “No. Kind of. Not really.” He doesn’t quite give me the answer, because he knows I’ll worry.

I can remember Avery from the plane ride over. He is all of eighteen but looks eleven. He reminds me in a way of a guy back home, someone I grew up with. They have the same sort of baby face and wide eyes. Same coloring. It makes me want to take care of him, so Avery and I have been joined at the hip since we got to Europe.

Avery surprised me though, and has taken care of me as much as I protect him. Of course because of how he looked he was picked on by all the other soldiers. I got browned off by how much they tormented him because of his youthful appearance. Avery though, helped me cope with some of the things around me. I had never seen a dead body before, and I could never even bear to look at roadkill back home. Yet here, in war, all around you is death or fear, and more than likely both.

Avery helped me understand death a little better. He helped me get a grasp on war as a whole. It surprised me that such an innocent looking kid had such a strong grasp on these strange things.

I told him once in confidence that I didn’t intend to kill anyone while I was here. I would only shoot to disarm or wound.

“Not even the Nazis?” Avery asked curiously.

I looked at him with a furrowed brow. “They’re forced to be here, same as we are. They’re just doing a job.”

“They aren’t just doing a job. Don’t you understand what they are doing?” Avery was getting angry and heated. “They don’t care who they kill or hurt! Following orders-” he spat, “bullshit. If you were ordered to kill me where I stood or to kill those ladies there on the street, would you?”

“No,” I scoffed. “Of course not.”

“Even if they said you’d die or worse, would you still say that?” Avery snapped at me.

I shook my head. “No. I couldn’t do that. There’s no sense in it.”

Avery settled and placed his hand over mine. “Then they have that option too. What they are doing is because of their own hatred. If they didn’t want to do it, then they wouldn’t.” He squeezed his hand around mine.

“I’ve never seen you get that way before,” I told him.

“It’s because I don’t want you to die, Bill,” Avery looked up at me. “The way you’re going about things, it makes me scared you’ll die!”

I had never kissed anyone before. Oh sure, I had made up stories about girls back home, but I had always been too chicken to kiss any of the ones I had taken on dates. It made me feel strange, like it wasn’t going to be good. When Avery and I first kissed, it felt right. Huddled together in that dark part of the bar, I felt safe for the first time since stepping on that plane.

We made sure to steal affection when no eyes were on us, but I wanted to do it so often and so badly. Being with him felt like heaven, like something sweet in such a bitter place. I only felt safe when Avery’s arms were around me. It didn’t matter where we were or what was happening around us. It was heaven, after all.

We are being shipped out today. The whole place has to be packed up and moved onto trucks. Having little to no sleep is no good for days like these. We have to stay on our toes, because danger could be anywhere around us. Then again, that’s just life now. When we’re in battle it’s okay, because I expect what’s that’s happening around me. It’s days like these that I feel this heavy weight on my shoulders, like the big bad wolf is breathing down my neck and will soon start huffing and puffing around me. I’m not prepared for that when we’re supposed to be moving out.

Avery and I take up the rear with a few other guys, our packs heavy on our backs and our boots sinking into the mud. We trudge along, keeping pace with the slow-moving entourage ahead of us. Avery stumbles, getting stuck in the mud. He lurches forward as he tries to find balance, then tumbles over into the mud because of all the extra weight on his back.

“Look at you.” I go over to help him up. “Can’t even walk on your own.”

“I know, I know,” he chuckles.

I help him gather up his things that fell from his bag, but one of the other soldiers picks up his journal. The book has opened up and inside are pages filled with a language I have never seen before. There are drawings of circles filled with strange script, and a picture of me with the strange writing all over the back.

“What the fuck is this?” the soldier blurts.

A look of fear washes over Avery’s face. He jumps away from me and tries to grab back his journal. “Please, give that back. That’s personal!”

“This looks like some sort of witch stuff,” another soldier says as they gather around. “Looks like he tried to put a spell on you, Bill!” They laugh as they hold up my picture.

“Just drop it, okay guys?” I try to argue, but seeing the picture has my nerves slightly rattled.

“Give it back!” Avery tries to fight to get it, but gets shoved back and hits the ground. He looks up at me with those wide eyes, and I hesitate. I move forward, yanking away the book and ripping it in half. Avery gasps in shock as I toss it into the mud and grind it down with my boot.

“There, no need to worry about it.” I pick Avery a little roughly off the ground. “Can’t do shit with it now.”

Secretly, I pocket the picture. I don’t know what it means, but I am too afraid to get rid of it like the book.

“Why did you do that?” Avery snaps at me. “Why’d you destroy my journal? Why?” He shoves me and I stumble forward, grabbing the back of the jeep.

I stand back up and look down at him. “What does it matter?” I scoff.

Avery shoves me again, and this time I fall and land on my side. My arm hits something hard.

“It wouldn’t have mattered if they had done it, but you?” Avery yells at me.

I start to stand up, but a cold sensation runs up through my body. I don’t know what it is, but I am overwhelmed by dread and fear. I look up at Avery, my jaw slack and eyes wide. His expression shifts ever so slightly, and then the world lights on fire.

The jeep is blown into the air, tossed like a sheet in the wind. Everything seems to fall silent, yet I can tell the blast was impossibly loud. I lay there, thrown by the force of the explosion. My body feels strange and limp. I might be dying, I might be in shock. I guess it is one of those things I will find out sooner rather than later.

Across from me I can see Avery. He stands up, pushing something heavy off of him. I can’t quite tell what it is. Maybe it’s a bag, but it’s bleeding. Maybe it’s lunch, although it looks too thick and heavy to be that. It’s bleeding still, staining the ground and melting into the puddles of rain around it. Is it human? It’s dead.

Avery stands, lurching forward. His gait is staggered, and it looks like his leg is hurt. He looks around, bewildered and wide-eyed as the world around us is ending. I want to be near him so bad, I need to. I’m so scared. I need Avery. Why did I destroy his journal? Why was I so cruel? I didn’t need to be afraid of Avery because he was the only thing keeping me sane. I am horrible. I don’t deserve to be forgiven. But all I want is to be with him.

Dust and smoke fly between us, but as it clears Avery is looking directly at me. A smile spreads across his beautiful face, and he starts towards me. For the smallest of moments, I feel relief. I cry out excitedly as he runs towards me. As he surges forward, a red rose blooms on his throat. He staggers to his knees as more red blossoms spill down his chest and stomach. He falls to the ground, his face in the mud.

“No,” I whisper. “No. Please no.” I start to crawl forward, pulling myself with my arms towards him. “No! God! Please! Not him!”

A light hovers over him and for a moment I think I am losing my mind. The lights touches him, moving him over and laying Avery on his back. The red blossoms flow from his neck, staining everything around him with their crimson glow.

“Don’t take him God! Please not yet!” I cry out in vain. “Please God! Give him back!”

God - the light - whatever it is that is holding Avery leans down, kissing him. Avery’s body is enveloped, becoming one with the strange, haunting glow. Then he’s on the ground again as if nothing happened. Perhaps I’m losing my mind.

I beat the ground, screaming into it. How could Avery be taken? How could this happen? He didn’t deserve to be here. He didn’t deserve this at all. Why am I even alive when I was the one in the wrong? I scream curses into the earth before lifting my head to look at him.

Avery is lifting himself off the ground. I can’t believe it. He’s okay. The blood that spilled from his throat is floating in the air around him like rose petals. He stands up off the ground, looking at the world around him. His expression is blank and cold, showing no reaction at all to the carnage around him. His hair grows out along his crown, falling down around his shoulders. He turns, seeing me, and his eyes look so strange. They’re so hollow, so empty. Yet this is Avery. It has to be.

I try to lift myself up to get to him, to make sure I am not dreaming. Avery steps towards me, his hands outstretched as he lifts me from the ground. He carries me aside, getting me away from the fire.

“I’m so glad you’re okay!” I cry. “I thought I lost you.” I kiss him, but his lips do not move. It’s as if I am kissing stone. I touch his face as his eyes lift towards mine. Something about him isn’t right. It’s like there is no life in him. I lean in again to kiss him, feeling more than before. Avery pushes me away.

“Sit down. Don’t move.” His voice is strange, as if he is being mimicked by a stranger. He rips open my pant leg, revealing a massive wound filled with shrapnel. My other leg is in very much the same shape.

“Avery,” I whimper. “Talk to me, please! I’m so sorry about the journal. I would never-”

Avery slices his hand through the air. “I said be quiet!” He kneels over my legs, waving his hand over them. My limbs feel hot, like they’re on fire. I scream, crying horribly from the agony I am feeling. It’s as if there is glass and fire in my veins, cutting me and burning me at the same time.

A moment later the pain is gone. I vomit on the ground, retching until it comes out of my nose and I can’t breathe.

“You should be alright now,” Avery says, his voice still so cold and empty. “Look at me, Clef,” he urges.

I gaze at him, wondering who I am looking at it. It’s Avery. I have to keep telling myself it is Avery. “C’mon Avery,” I wheeze. “It’s me, Bill. You know that.”

Avery presses his hand against my forehead. “You can get up now,” he says. “Follow me.” He rises up, watching me as I struggle to stand. “Good. Now come along.”

“Wait,” I gasp. “Avery, where are we going?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Avery says. “I’m not as strong as I once was, and I need you to help me.” He turns and looks back at me with those sad, hollow eyes. “Hurry.” He extends his hand to me, and I can do nothing but take it.

We leave the battlefield, the carnage. We go far away from the road and into the woods, where we come upon the river. I drop to my knees to take a drink, dunking my head into the water. As I look at myself, I see I am covered by dirt and ash, blood and sweat. I wash my hands off eagerly, then turn to look up at Avery. He is staring off into the distance, his face like an empty canvas.

“Avery,” I whisper and he turns slightly to me. “What happened?” I move closer to him. “I thought I lost you.”

Avery closes his eyes as I clap my palms around his face. He takes in a deep breath, tilting back his head as my fingers run along his scalp and through his long hair.

“Am I still your friend?” he asks me.

“My friend?” I whisper. “Avery, you’re more than that to me, you know that.” I look over him, refusing to see anything else but him. I kiss him again, running my tongue along his lips until his mouth opens. He plants his hands firmly on my chest but does not push me away as the kiss deepens.

“Then do you trust me?” Avery whispers as I pull away. “Will you follow me and do as I ask of you?”

“Yes,” I answer quickly. “Yes, of course, Avery, anything for you.”

His cold eyes look up at me. “It will find us. I can’t stay in one place too long.” He reaches for me, taking my hand and pulling me along with him again.

At night, we arrive at an abandoned farmhouse. Inside I can smell death, but Avery wanders through the house until we come to an empty room. Inside the closet there are clothes that he takes out, tossing them onto the bed.

“Change into these,” he says. “We’ll burn the uniforms in the morning.”

In the darkness his pale skin looks like moonlight. It has a glow to it. I step towards him and place my hand around his waist, but his body feels like ice. I inch closer, kissing his bare shoulders. My warm tongue drags down his chilled skin.

Avery stands still, letting me touch him all over. His naked body feels so cold, so I press my chest against his back. I’m shivering, terrified of something I can’t put my finger on. Perhaps it’s because we just barely escaped with our lives from a battle. Maybe it’s because Avery is cold.

“Clef,” Avery whispers, “is this what you want?”

I reach down, stroking Avery’s cock. “Is okay if I touch you like this, Avery?” I whisper to him.

Avery takes hold of my wrist, squeezing it tight as my fist works over his cock.

“You feel so cold,” I whisper. “Let’s get in the bed.”

Avery’s breath gives nothing away. He used to make the sweetest sounds before when I would touch him like this. His voice was so pure and wonderful. I just want to hear it again in the darkness.

“Does this feel good to you?” Avery asks me softly.

“Yeah, of course. I love you.”

Avery turns slightly, glancing back at me. I meet his lips, kissing him as I rut against his ass. I moan into his mouth and Avery breathes me in. His seed spills like pearls on my fist, and he lets out a single low moan. I cum, spilling between his cheeks and on his lower back. I tremble as if the earth is moving from under me.

Tears stream down my face, and Avery moves away from me. He licks my cum from his fingertips and looks at me. His eyes have halos around them in the dark. He slips his hand under my chin, lifting my head to look at him.

“If this is what makes you happy, then so be it,” he whispers. “You can have my body as long as you love me.” He moves me to the bed, laying me down. “I am too weak on my own now. I was almost gone before I found him.” He lays beside me, resting his head on my chest. “I have seen all these horrible things and have been unable to do anything. I am useless, but that boy - he called out to me. He didn’t know what else to do.” Avery strokes my chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I tried to save him, I really did.”

“It’s okay,” I whisper as I close my eyes “You’re here, that’s all that matters.”

Avery sighs. “Whatever you need to make it. That’s fine.”

I wake in the morning to see clothes laid out where Avery had been. I get dressed and look out the window, and I see the barn out back has been burned to the ground. The rafters and frame hang on to strings from heaven like a blackened skeleton. Avery is kneeling in the ash, holding something in his hands. He stands back up as a breeze starts to blow around him. His long, pale hair catches in the wind, whipping around his face as the ash begins to rise. The black soot turns pale blue, then pink. It glitters white and green as blossoms rise up from the ashes. The charred and burnt barn grows into a garden that slithers out along the dead earth. Then it stops short, and the flowers and greenery at the edges start to shrivel and wither away.

Avery screams into the sky, thrashing the vegetation around him angrily.

I rush out to him and grab his hands. “Avery, stop!” I gasp.

He goes still, his expression fading into emotionlessness again. Then he gasps, looking up into the sky as planes fly over head. Avery looks back at me. “If we stop it will just keep catching us!” He takes hold of my hand. “Do you still love me, Clef?”

“Yes,” I whisper to him.

Avery presses a cold, unfeeling kiss to my lips that I accept as more. “We cannot linger for long,” he says urgently. “The longer I linger, the more chance they have to find me.”

We leave the farm, with Avery urgently leading the way. He keeps my hand in his, and I feel like nothing more than a dog on a leash to him.

“What are we running from?” I ask him as we find a dirt road. “Who do you think is looking for you?”

“Many things,” he says to me. “I have been forgotten for so long, I’m far to weak to stand on my own. That’s why I need you, Clef.”

“I’m not-” I stop myself then nod. “You have me, of course.” I was willing to be anything for Avery, I owed him that much.

“There is protection around you,” Avery says, tracing his fingertips along the side of my face. “It is so powerful.” He sets his hands on my shoulders. “A mage of deep knowledge and good skill must have placed this over you.” His hollow eyes flicker at me. “You’re extremely lucky. Had you not had this spell, both of you would have been dead.”

I capture Avery’s wrist in my hand. “You still haven't answered me. You’re answering questions I haven’t even asked!”

“I am answering the things you need to hear,” Avery says stoically. “It’s best that we keep moving. I’ve seen many wars before, all of them are the same. At least, until now,” he whispers. He takes hold of my hand. “My debt to you will be paid with this body, as long as you love me.”

I furrow my brow. “What debt? I was the one who-”

“There is a stream close by. We should follow it wherever it goes,” Avery jerks my arm. “Come now. We need to find a place that is populated. We will stand out in a place like this.”

I hold his hand back, wanting not to feel like the dog on a leash I think I am. “As long as we are together, I don't care where we end up, Avery.”

“That’s good. It will be us again, Clef.” Avery replies coldly.

That evening we come upon a farmhouse where a woman feeds us and lets us wash up, then stay inside the barn for the night. I am happy to eat but Avery simply pushes his food around on the plate, eventually giving it to me rather than eat it himself.

“Do you feel well?” I ask him as we clean up in the barn, dipping rags and soap into a bucket of icy water.

“I’m fine,” he says with a shrug. “I am simply not hungry.”

I move closer to him, rubbing his back with soap and water. I kiss his neck, moving his wet hair out of the way. Avery doesn’t move or react to what I am doing. I pull him close to me so our chests are touching.

“I need you,” I moan for him.

“Now?” Avery huffs.

I kiss him, moving my tongue into his mouth. Avery grunts, pushing his palms against me before sliding them down to my stomach. He closes his eyes and presses closer. I kiss his neck, nibbling and biting as I take hold of our cocks. I stroke both shafts together with one hand, lettin them rub against one another. Avery’s body feels so cold, but I chalk it up to the icy water we have been washing with.

I kneel down on the ground before Avery and look up at him. I feel like I am worshipping him when I take this pose. I slide his cock into my mouth, sucking it as I bob my head. Avery grunts and places his hand on top of my head.

I stroke myself, moaning against Avery as I feel my peak building. I move faster, sucking him and taking him deeper into my mouth. Avery’s fingers don’t move on my head. He just seems to have them there for balance. I cum, spilling my seed on his feet. I moan as his cock twitches, and it feel like ice hitting the back of my throat. Avery pulls away from me and kneels down.

“You could have done anything you wanted,” he whispers into my ear.

I wrap him up in my arms. “I want to make you happy.”

There have been air raids. None have struck here, but in other parts they have become a constant, looming threat. The air is thick with worry and panic, something that everyone appears to choose to ignore. Our shoppers come in, happy-faced, eager to talk about their plans for supper. I can’t understand why everyone is trying to be upbeat with such an ominous shadow hanging over everything. Then again, I suppose I am faking too.

“I have to go and make a delivery,” Avery tells me.

I’ve been sweeping the street in front of the store, and it's been a slow day. “I can do it if you want me to.”

Avery shakes his head. “I’d rather do it,” he replies as he pushes his bike onto the street. He already has the delivery tied to the back. “I need to step away for a while.”

“Just be careful out there.” I step close to him and place my hand on his arm. “Come back in one piece, alright?”

Avery glances up at me, his expression hollow like always. It’s starting to hurt. “I will.” He places his hand over mine. “You don’t need to worry about me.” He hops onto his bike and pedals off.

I sigh heavily, letting my shoulders slouch. I have a gnawing feeling in my gut, but I chalk it up to the fact that I've done nothing but worry about Avery since we ran away.  I turn back to work, dealing with customers in Avery’s absence.

It starts to get late, and Avery still has not come back. I wait in the store, hoping to see him ride up and tell me some story about how he got lost. He hasn’t done much traveling in the city since we arrived, and he grew up in a small town with barely two roads. I could see him getting lost very easily.

Finally, I see him walking up the street with a tall man who has his arm around him. I rush out of the shop when see that Avery is cradling one arm and has a few bruises on his face. I rush towards him, grabbing him away from the man.

“Where have you been?” I gasp. “Are you okay?”

Avery nods. “Yeah, I’m fine. I lost the bike though,” he grumbles.

I laugh in disbelief. “I don’t care about that bike, Avery! What happened to you?” I gently touch his cheek, where the bruise is green and blue.

“I’m afraid your friend got mugged,” the man says. “I managed to get to him before any real harm was done. But harm there has been, I’m afraid.”

“Oh, right,” Avery murmurs. He turns and looks up at the tall man beside him. “Clef, this is Dr. Hans Goddbar,” he says softly. “He’s been taking care of me all day.”

“Wanted to make sure that he didn’t have a concussion,” the doctor laughs.

“You’re German?” I say with a scowl.

The doctor chuckles and raises his hands. “No one of those Germans, I assure you. I’m here because of that.” He then lays his hand over his chest. “You have my word on that, young man.”

I’m uncertain, but I have to be grateful that he helped protect Avery. I sigh heavily and hold my hand out to him. “Nice to meet you, Doctor.”

“Hans, please,” he chuckles. “It’s very nice to meet you too, Mr. Clef.”

“Bill,” I correct. “Only Avery can call me Clef.”

Hans has a slight smirk on his face that sets me on edge. He’s older, good-looking, with high, sharp cheekbones, a narrow waist, and long gangly limbs. If he were a touch older, and had bigger glasses and wild hair, he’d remind me of an image from my Frankenstein book. He reminds me of a mad scientist.

“Would you like to come up for dinner, Hans?” Avery asks. “We don’t have much, but we can at least offer a hot meal.”

“I wouldn’t want to put you two young men out so,” Hans chuckles.

“No, it’s okay,” I return. “I mean, you helped save Avery. Who knows what would have happened to him if you hadn’t shown up.” I put my hand on Avery’s back. “The least we could do is invite you up for a meal.”

“You’re both such kind young men,” Hans says with a bright smile. “Fine. I accept your invitation. Besides, I’ve grown fond of Avery in our short time together. He’s a very odd young man, but I rather like that.”

I smile unsurely. “I might enjoy your company then. It’s nice to meet someone who appreciates Avery.”

Avery leads the way upstairs, opening the door and taking us into the flat. It’s all one room, broken up by support beams. One side is the kitchen, the other side is the bathroom and beds. It’s not much at all, and not a place one would use to entertain.

Hans takes a seat at the table while Avery starts for the kitchen. I stop him and guide him back to the table.

“I can cook,” Avery murmurs.

“I know, but you’re hurt and not very good at it. Let me take care of the food and you can keep Hans entertained, since he likes you.”

Avery glances at me, his eyes looking me up and down. “Don’t get jealous, Clef.”

I scowl at him. “What are you talking about?” I huff. “I’m not jealous!”

“Not now,” he says with a small shrug. “But don’t get jealous in the future, that’s all I am telling you. There won’t be a need for it.”

“Then why say anything if there is no reason for it in the future?” I grumble.

Avery looks aside then back at me. “Just good advice is all. Don’t get jealous,” he repeats before joining Hans at the table.

As I make dinner I eavesdrop on their conversation. Apparently Hans is having a hard time getting patients into his office, so he has taken up research work, including publishing papers and performing medical experiments at the suggestions of other doctors.

“There is so much in this world we do not understand, and I suspect in a hundred years we still won’t know everything,” Hans chuckles. “It is my goal to find ways to help humanity. Something that could bring about real change and begin a new age for man.” He smiles as he sighs. “But as it stands right now, I am working towards that goal alone.”

Avery leans in closer to him. “A way to end suffering.”

The hairs on my body stand on end and I turn to look at him. This is the first time I have heard him say anything with hope in his voice.

“Yes!” Hans grins at him. “I want to find a way to save people, to end the pain in daily life. To end things like what is happening just outside.” He frowns and shakes his head. “The lengths men will go to just to fulfill their own pride and greed.” He closes his eyes and removes his glasses as a few tears slip down his cheek.

Avery reaches out to him, placing his hand over his. “That’s all I want to,” he says softly. “All my life I have been trying to find a way to keep my promise to Clef.”

I furrow my brow and look away from the stove.

“Clef made me promise to never cause suffering,” Avery continues. “But everywhere I go it follows me. It’s everywhere these days, I can’t escape it.”

I then realize it’s not a person or a group that Avery is running from. He’s trying to outrun the war itself.

Hans takes hold of Avery’s hand and pats it. “You understand me, Avery,” he says softly. “I knew you and I were kindred spirits! You and I have the same goal at heart.”

I lay down plates on the table, interrupting them. “Isn’t anyone who is good at heart wanting to end pain and suffering?” I ask as I sit down.

“It is something bigger than that, young Bill,” Hans insists.  “It is more than wanting to end the suffering of man, but to change man! It is part of man to want to hurt, to hunt, to kill, to be a predator. Avery and I want more than that. More than medical advancements, beyond the ability to heal and diagnose. What we want is a very way to change man at his core!”

I frown. “That sounds like you want to play god.”

“Is there something wrong with that?” Avery looks at me.

“Because we aren’t gods, Avery!” I snap at him. “It is not our place. It is not why we are here.” I glance between him and Hans, feeling surrounded and outnumbered. “It should be about changing man at his core, it should be about teaching people better! You want to create change, you have to teach it.”

“People can preach all they want but good men are out there doing horrible things. The four horsemen of the apocalypse are not the mythical figures you believe them to be. They are the four very natures within your heart, young Bill. Famine, war, pestilence, death. They live inside all of mankind, guiding them, controlling them, making them the utmost predator of this world.” Hans pushes his plate aside and turns his body fully towards me.

“There are men driven by death, who have bloodlust on their minds at all times. Men who worship famine, wishing to have all for themselves so that those beneath them suffer. The men who follow pestilence wish to make the world a worse place than when they found it, destroying its resources, and making it fall ill all to glorify themselves.” His long arms lifts up and he points out the window. “Right now, the men of this world are led by war and they will do anything to keep it going. Bombs in Pearl Harbor, the air raids here - not to mention the genocide.” He chuckles softly, lowering his hand again. “I fear that one day, all four will rise up in the world at once. That will be the true end for mankind and the dawn of something worse.”

Hans leans in towards me. “Don’t you wish to stop that from happening?”

I swallow down the painful lump in my throat. “I think you’re getting at humanity all wrong,” I say shakily. “There are good people in this world.”

“Not enough,” Hans replies cooly. “Do you consider yourself one of these ‘good’ people?” He looks at me over the rim of his glasses. “Or is there an appetite within you that you can’t quite sate?”

I look away from him, fed up with his words and speeches. I stand up from the table, leaving the flat altogether and going down the stairs. I shouldn’t leave Avery alone with Hans, although that is probably what Avery would prefer. Hopefully, we won’t have to see Hans again, but that is me being hopeful.

Sometime later, Avery opens the door. “You should come back in. Your food is cold.”

“Is Hans still here?” I ask.

“I’m enjoying our talk.” Avery closes the door and sits down beside me on the stairs. “I told you not to get jealous.”

“It’s not that!” I huff. “It’s just that… all his talk, it has me bothered.” I look at Avery, glancing over his face. “Do you really feel the same way he does about humanity? Do you really want to play god like that?”

Avery leans in, placing a soft kiss on my lips. I move in close, deepening the kiss in order to block my thoughts. I moan as Avery’s tongue slips into my mouth and his hand slides up my thigh. He pulls back for a moment and looks at me.

“All I want to do is what you asked of me, Clef,” he whispers.

“What did I ask?” I pant. “I don’t remember what you’re talking about.”

Avery kisses me again. “Come back in and eat.” He stands up, offering his hand to me. “I mean, if you’re decent.”

I frown at him, pinching my thighs together. “You know what you do to me,” I grumble at him.

“I’ll pay for it tonight. I promise you that.” Avery says with a nod. “For now, come and talk to our guest.”

I take in a deep breath, then hold Avery’s hand to stand up. I go back into the flat where Hans is sipping tea at the table. He looks relaxed, at peace somehow. I go and take a seat where my plate is.

“Welcome back, young Bill,” Hans says, lifting his teacup. “Sorry about all that. I do tend to get passionate, and when I get passionate I tend to forget where I am and who I’m talking to. Not everyone will agree with me and, well - I suppose that’s the bullet I have to bite.”

“Avery seems to like you,” I shake my head. “He doesn’t get along well with others, so I can’t be mad at you too much.” I grab Avery’s hand under the table, giving him palm a soft squeeze.

“You two are very close,” Hans says with a smile. “It’s nice to see young men like you care so much for each other. Does this old heart good.” He pounds his fist to his chest. “How long have you two been friends?”

“A long time,” Avery speaks up to my surprise. “Clef and I have been close for a long time. We’re more than just friends at this point.”

“Avery,” I tell him warningly.

A sly smile crosses Hans’ face and he nods his head. “Who am I to judge? Here I am espousing how wicked humanity is at heart when I forget the greatest thing they are capable of - love.” He smiles to himself as he pours more tea. “No need to go into detail. It’s not my place to intrude on something so… intimate.” He drinks his tea as I squeeze Avery’s hand under the table.

I’m relieved when Hans finally leaves for the evening. I quickly lock the door and stand there until Avery comes up behind me. He presses his forehead to my back as his hands untuck my shirt from my pants.

“You have to be careful about what you say!” I hiss at him. “You’re lucky! Had he been anyone else we could be in deep shit!”

“I knew we could trust him,” Avery murmurs. “Don’t get so mad.” His fingers slip under my belt and into my pants. “I like him. In fact, I want to help him.”

I push him away and turn around to look down at him. “You want to work with that loon?” I snap.

“He said he would pay well. Better than working at the grocer,” Avery replies cooly. He starts unbuttoning his shirt. “And it’s something I truly believe in.”

I frown at Avery, stepping away and pressing my back against the wall. “I can’t believe you think the same way as him. It’s crazy.”

Avery drops his pants and steps towards me naked. He presses his body against me and locks his arms around my waist. “Don’t think about that now. I promised to pay you back.” He slips down, going on his knees before me.

“Do you even want this?” I whisper. “Do you even want me?”

Avery sighs and drags their hands down their chest, coiling the digits around the base of his cock. “This body,” he moans. “You’re all it wants. I can’t control it.” He strokes his cock. “I sometimes can’t ignore it.”

I undo my belt and pull my cock out. “I understand that,” I whisper.

Avery leans forward, licking up my shaft. His eyes close as he takes me into his mouth. His tongue is cold and I shiver as he sucks me. I place my hand at the back of his head, tangling my fingers in his long hair. His hands brace against my thighs as he begins to move. I lean back against the wall and my breath comes out in a thick white cloud.

“Avery,” I moan. “You feel too good.”

Avery’s eyes flick up to me and I can’t stop myself. I push my hips forward, rutting against his face. Avery makes no movement, except to dig his fingers harder into my thighs. I thrust against him, using his mouth as my own. My breath comes out in bigger, thicker clouds as I move harder. I grunt, pushing deep down his throat at my release. Avery moans, his fingers clawing down my legs.

As Avery pulls away he swallows and lets out a moan. He looks up at me, his own cum splattered all over the floor and my feet. “It’s warm,” he moans.

I help him off the floor, kissing him hungrily as I wrap my arms around him. “If you want to work for Hans, I can’t stop you. I don’t own you or control you. I only want you to be happy, Avery,” I whisper to him.

Avery wraps his arms around my neck. “I told you to stop that.”

I smirk and kiss him again, deciding to put that entire evening out of my mind and just enjoy Avery for the evening.

When Avery does start working with Hans, I try to remain optimistic. If it’s something Avery wants to do, who am I to stop him? If he’s doing something he feels is right, then I need to support him. I just wish it was anyone other than that strange doctor.

“How is everything going?” I ask him one day as he comes home. I greet him with a kiss on the forehead. “What are you doing with him? Like, medical research? What is that?”

“I can’t tell you exactly,” Avery says with shrug. “Hans made me promise.”

I scowl a bit. “Oh? Is that right?”

“Nothing personal,” Avery murmurs. “It’s just precautionary. He doesn’t want his work getting out to anybody. He has a lot of people who would be willing to steal his research for their own gain. You must understand that.”

I rub the back of my neck and nod. “I do. I do,” I huff.

“You don’t need to worry. It’s all good work,” Avery nods decisively. “Hans is a brilliant man. His work is remarkable.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” I laugh weakly, then shake my head. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m just glad when you come home in the evening.”

Avery looks at me with that same blank expression. “You do?”

“It’s scary out there these days,” I murmur. “Sometimes, people don’t come home, you know?”

“Oh,” Avery mumbles. “Right.” He looks at me again then tilts his head gently to the side. “You don’t need to worry about me. I’m not going to leave you alone, Clef.”

I let out a breath and step towards him. I put my arms around him, lay his head upon my shoulder, and just breathe in the scent of his skin.

“You need another haircut,” Avery says.

I run my fingers through the long tresses and smile him. “It has been getting in my way at work.”

“It has,” Avery murmurs. He rubs a few locks between his fingers. “It might be nice to get rid of some. You don’t need to keep it just because I like it.”

“I like you,” I chuckle. “That’s what’s important.” I pat his shoulder and kiss his temple. “I’ll get the scissors if you feel like trimming it.”

I tie his hair back and Avery cuts just above the tie. My hair flutters down in neat ends. I worry it will look choppy, but it cleans up nicely, falling just below my ears shoulders so I can slick it back away from my face.

“You sure?” Avery asks. “You don’t think it looks odd?”

“It’s fine,” I chuckle. “It will do for now until we can afford something professional.”

Avery blinks a few times. “You really mean that, don’t you?”

I furrow my brow at him. “You think I’m only saying nice things for some other purpose?” I scoff. “No! I say nice things to you because I mean them.”

“Oh,” Avery looks away. “That’s good.”

“Why?” I huff “What’d you think I was trying to do?”

Avery shakes his head. “Nothing.” He takes my cut hair from the table and looks over the severed ponytail. “What’ll you do with this?”

“I don’t know.” I say as I take it from him. “Probably just toss it away, or something. Why do you ask?”

Avery shrugs. “Seems like a waste. But really, what else would we do with it?”

As the days go on, Avery stays later and later at his job with the doctor. There are some nights I fall asleep waiting for him. There are days I worry I won’t see him at all, and with the threat of the air raids looming closer and closer, I grow more terrified each day.

I wake up one morning and smell smoke in the air. I look around, realizing that Avery isn’t there. Did he ever come home? No. His things are untouched since last night, and there is no sign he came into the house - it’s been raining, and there is no mud at the door. I have to get to work, but I keep feeling my guts being gnawed away. Avery doesn’t return all that day either. Before nightfall I make my way to Hans’ home.

Once I get there, I discover the address I was given is nothing but an abandoned building. I stare in fear at it as the overwhelming sense of dread cascades over me. Suddenly, the sounds of sirens go off. The smell of smoke is growing stronger and stronger. I look up into the sky, seeing lights flashing. In the distance I can hear the buzzing of planes fast approaching.

I go into the abandoned building, thinking perhaps that Hans has simply hidden himself from the world. After all, Avery said he was trying to protect his work from outside forces. I search the building, finding nothing but rotting floorboards and water damage. The upstairs is empty. The basement is deserted. There is nothing in this place except rats and water.

The ground shakes under my feet, and the ceiling rattles and cracks. Dust falls on me and water spews from a broken pipe. I race back up the stairs, but a beam falls, almost crushing me as I reach for the door. The world shakes again, and I am knocked from the stairs. I fall backwards, tumbling down and landing in the water below.

When I wake up, everything is far too quiet. I lift myself up, soaked and chilled to the bone. The scent of smoke is stronger than before. I climb my way out of the basement, going through the open ceiling and onto the floor above. The building is collapsing in on itself. As I leave through the shattered window, I cut myself on the glass. There is chaos all around, but the streets are quiet and desolate. People are weeping all around me. Fires everywhere light my way as I go down the street. Suddenly a man grabs me from behind.

“You’re bleeding, young man!” he says. “Come with me, let me help you.”

I jerk away from him. “I’m trying to find someone,” I gasp.

“So is everyone,” he motions around.

“A doctor,” I pant. “He was supposed to be in that building!” I point back from where I came. “Hans was his name.” I look around, seeing that the damage done is not as extensive as I thought it would be. In fact, it seems isolated to just this street.

The man furrows his brow. “No one has been in that building for a while now,” he murmurs. “Why are you looking for this man?”

“Because he has my friend!” I glare back at the man. “Have you heard of him or not?”

The man shakes his head. “No, I’m afraid I have never heard of a Dr. Goddbar before.”

My expression goes slack and I shake my head. “I...” I take a step back. “I only said his name was Hans.”

The man comes towards me again. “Come along, young Bill,” he says. “You’re bleeding very badly.

“I didn’t tell you-” I whisper as I continue to step back. I then turn to run but I am stopped by men wearing dark coats. I’m struck over the head and knocked to the ground.

“Get him out of here,” I hear someone say as my vision fades to a pinpoint. “No unnecessary messes.”

I grab the ankle of one of the men. “Avery,” I grunt. “Where’s Avery?” My body goes limp as darkness takes over my sight.

Bill chuckles, a grin on his face. “Yeah,” he sighs. “He was pretty much an ass.” He glances at me, lazing on his chest. “I like it here though. Mama is nice, and the townspeople are close. It feels comfortable.”

“Mhm,” I murmur, half asleep.

Bill takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “I still get scared sometimes.”

I slowly open my eyes and lift my head. “Why?”

Bill cups my cheek in his hand, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. “The Technocracy held me for so long,” he whispers. “All the things they did to me...” He presses his forehead to mine. “I can sometimes still feel it. The walls creeping in. The blades on my skin.” He stops and kisses me. “I just keep thinking this is all too good to be true. I’m dreaming and I’ll wake up in that cell again.”

“It isn’t a dream, though,” I tell him. “I’m here. You’re here.” I nuzzle to his neck and gently bite his skin. Bill lets a soft moan escape, then chuckles. “See? It hurt, right? But you’ve not awakened from any dream.”

Bill chuckles and grins up at me. His fingers trail down my scalp and against the nape of my neck. “I suppose you’re right. Although, I wouldn’t put it past myself to have these horny little dreams.”

I kiss him, licking his lips and down his neck. “Did you dream of me a lot?”

“Mm,” Bill moans as I kiss down his chest. “Of course I did. For the longest time you were my only happy thought. I’d imagine you’d gotten away from Hans and was having a happy life. You were free and learned to smile.” He grunts as I bite the jut of hip. “When I finally was free and I started looking for you, I often pictured how our reunion would go.”

I look up from his belly and smirk. “How did the fantasy compare to what really happened?”

Bill chuckles, reaching down his fingers comb through my hair. “Reality was so much better than anything I could ever imagine.” His fingers tangle in my hair, pulling slightly.

I swirl my tongue in his belly button then sit up, straddling his hips. “There is something I need to ask you,” I murmur. “Something that has become terrifying for me recently.” I place my hand over his chest. “Even though I am not the real Avery, do you still love me?”

Bill sits up, a serious look on his face. He plants a soft kiss on my lips as his arms lock around my ribcage. “I loved Avery,” he whispers. “More than anything. When we were together, he was my whole world, my safety, my warmth.” His hands start rubbing up and down my back. “When you became him, I tried like hell to hold on. I did everything I could to convince myself you were still him.”

“But?” My voice cracks.

“I still fell in love with you,” Bill whispers into my ear. “I found myself thinking less and less of Avery and more of you.” He looks into my eyes. “Is that what you were worried about?”

“So you knew?” I murmur.

Bill smirks. “You didn’t exactly try to hide anything.” He kisses me and his fingers grip onto my hips. “You were sort of empty. I wanted to fill you up.”

I bite my lip as I feel his cock against my ass. “You still do.”

Bill chuckles, biting my neck as he ruts against my cheek. “I love what you’ve become,” he sighs. “You’re still weird, but you’re full again.” He pulls his cock out between us, taking my shaft into his hand and rubbing us together.

I moan into his ear, whimpering as I feel his heat pressed against mine. “I love you,” I gasp. I look down, watching his fist pump over us. I look into his eyes, meeting his intense gaze. I shiver and kiss him, dragging him down onto the bed.

“I want something,” Bill murmurs. “Can you give it to me?”

“I can try,” I purr. “What is it?”

Bill reaches for the lube, dripping it onto his fingers. He then reaches back, rubbing it into his own ass. I gasp softly, watching him work himself up.

“Bill,” I gaze up in awe at him.

Bill smirks, pushing me down and straddling my hips. He rubs lube onto my cock before he slowly starts to take me inside. “Is this okay?”

I nod excitedly. I reach out, grasping Bill’s hips as he sits on me. Bill takes a few deep breaths then chuckles. “Damn, you feel good.”

I’m bleary eyed for a moment. Being tucked inside him feels so warm and snug. When he starts to move, my thighs tremble. Watching him on top of me is enough to make me blow then and there. His movements are so sensual, yet so masculine at the same time.

“I like that look on your face,” Bill moans. “Does it really feel so good?”

I cry out in pleasure, bucking my hips upward. Bill growls, arching his back as I thrust deeper inside him. I start to move faster, wanting more and more of this. Bill cries out and plants his hands on my chest. His cock twitches, and with a loud shout his cum splatters on my belly and chest. Soon I release inside Bill. My whole body is on fire, and it makes my limbs weak.

Bill slowly lays down beside me, chuckling to himself. “Did you enjoy that?”

I gulp and nod. “Yeah.”

Bill kisses me. “You came a lot,” he moans. “I didn’t expect to like it so much.” He lays on his back and sighs deeply. “I can see why you’re such a horny thing.”

“Hey,” I pout at him.

Bill kisses me again. “Only teasing, love.” He pets my hair away from my face. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I whisper.

There’s a banging on the door. “Hey! Both of you!” Iggy shouts. “Try to be considerate of the other people who live in this fucking house!” He kicks the door, then storms away down the hall.

Bill snorts and covers his mouth. “We have got to learn to be quiet.”

“I was wondering why he couldn’t look me in the eye the other day,” I murmur. “I guess that’s why.”

Bill pulls me close so my head is laid on his chest. “One day, we’ll have our own house. Nothing too big, mind you. Just something comfortable and warm.” He rubs my arm and shoulder. “We’ll get it fenced in so our dogs can play outside freely.”

“Dogs?” I murmur.

“Yeah, like two or three. I wouldn’t want them getting lonely you know?” He chuckles. “I figured we would have a garage, but we’d use it as a workshop. I could keep repairing things for people, you could… I dunno, sit there and watch.”

I giggle softly.

“We’d have a bedroom upstairs with a king-sized bed, so we would have lots of room.” He sighs and closes his eyes. “And we could wake up each morning and fight over who makes… oh, never mind, we both know I’d be the cook.”

“If you wanted to keep the house,” I chuckle.

Bill relaxes. “One day,” he says. “It’ll be ours.”

I close my eyes and rest my cheek to his chest. I fall asleep listening to the slow pulse of his heart.

I wake up early. The air is crisp and cold, so I duck further under the blankets. I reach out, searching for Bill in the bed, but I find nothing. Sitting up, I see Bill is gone. I grumble, resting my head back down on the pillow. After a while, I decide to go looking for him.

In the hallway, I hear soft murmuring from the kitchen. I go towards it, but stop when I hear Bill and Mama talking.

“Does it still hurt?” Mama asks.

“A little, but I think your poultice did the trick,” Bill sighs.

“It’s what my grandma used to use on her arthritis when it flared up,” Mama says. “How often does it act up?”

“With rain,” Bill chuckles. “Sometimes for no reason at all. Other times when I have done too much work.” He grunts and hisses. “I may look young, but I’m sure if you cut me open you’d find an old man in there.”

“You’d be the same age as my father, right?” Mama asks. “He was in the Second World War too.”

“Probably,” Bill chuckles. He sighs. “I may not be aging like a normal human, but my inner workings are all confused. There are some days I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

“That’s age, alright,” Mama sighs. “You’re not in any pain though, are you?” she asks with concern.

“Even if I was,” Bill mutters, “I couldn’t go see any doctor. I’m just too afraid and… how do I explain-” he scoffs. “It’s better to let things run their course. If I am lucky, I could have twenty or thirty years left - optimistically, of course. Even five would be better than none.”

“If you did live that long, do you think you’d be able to live it?” Mama asks softly.

“I would try,” Bill chuckles. “With all my might, all my soul, I would try, Mama.” He huffs. “I can see why Avery was drawn to you. You’re so… I’m not sure what the word is.”

“I’m a mom,” she chuckles. “Always have been, probably always will be.”

Bill huffs. “My Mom died when I was six. Dad said it was in her sleep, but I heard people talking. She was never…” He hesitates, and I can hear his voice shudder. “She was never happy,” he admits. “Neither was my dad. He used to call me names, say I was a sissy. If I didn’t do the things he wanted then I wasn’t good enough.”

“I’m so sorry, Bill. Men like that are too common. I’m proud of you for stepping out of his shadow.”

Bill lets a soft sob escape. “Jesus, woman,” he laughs.

“I know,” Mama chuckles. “I’ll do what I can to help you. I know you’re afraid of doctors. But I know some that will help you, no questions asked, should the need arise.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Bill sighs.

I step into the kitchen, looking at them both. “Is breakfast ready?” I ask.

“I’ve got coffee on,” Mama says. “Just getting everything situated. Sit down and I’ll bring you a cup.”

I sit with Bill and glance up at him. He smiles at me like nothing is the matter. “You’re up early,” he says.

I nod. “I was looking for you.” I glance to Mama. “What were you talking about?”

“This and that,” Bill chuckles. “Got into it about my dad and Mama made me cry.”

I smile at him and take hold of his hand. He isn’t going to tell me, so I’m not going to ask. I should know better, but much like Bill has done with me, I am going to pretend and keep living like things were normal.

Several years later, a hurricane comes through and destroys most of the town, including Mama’s house. We escape and evacuate to Mama’s friends’ house further north. Coming home to the destruction is gut wrenching. Our home is in ruins, and I remember standing in front of the grocer back in England, where Bill and I had shared the flat upstairs.

“Nothing to do but pull up our bootstraps and rebuild,” Mama says with a heavy sigh. I notice tears in her eyes. She wipes them away, trying to hide them. “That’s all we can do.”

“Mama,” Iggy comes forward. “Here.” He hands her a bag, and inside is wads of money. “I don’t need it. Not that much anyway.”

“Where did you...” Mama stares at him as the tears roll down her soft cheeks. “Iggy, where did this come from?”

“Living with you, having no bills, all the rewards I get add up.” Iggy shrugs. “I think it’s best this goes to you, after everything you’ve done.”

Mama hands the bag to Bill and wraps Iggy up in her arms.

Bill and I look into the bag and gasp. “There’s more than enough in here to rebuild the house. We could build two houses with this,” Bill says.

“We’ll build what we need,” Mama laughs. “If Iggy is okay with it, the rest can go to helping others in town.”

“Yeah, of course,” Iggy nods.

We start rebuilding, and we make Mama a new house that’s nicer than the one before. We construct two stories, and add on a porch that wraps all the way around. When we can, we volunteer with the restoration efforts in town, starting with the diner. We also help Old Allen fix his house. Jeepers ran away before the hurricane, but a bunch of kittens who look just like him appear under the ruins of his porch. So now, there are three terrors that stalk the town.

Once the house is built, we are flooded by donations from people who had been helped by Mama. Some of her other kids come, bringing beds and food to put into the new place. When it is complete Mama holds a massive banquet for everyone in town. We cook for days - or rather, everyone else cooks and I clean. We celebrate. One year to the day after the hurricane destroyed our homes, Mama steps out into the swamp, placing a new protection spell on the town and buildings. The swamp glows and fireflies rise from the waters, creating a galaxy around us that swirls and flows through the streets and into the woods.

That evening, Bill and I sit on the new porch together, enjoying leftovers from the banquet. We are both overstuffed, but we continue to eat anyway. As we chuckle and laugh, Bill grimaces.

“What’s wrong?” I gasp.

Bill clutches his arm. “I, uh… I don’t know.” He winces in pain. “I feel… I feel strange.” He drops what he’s holding and nearly collapses.

“Mama!” I scream. “Mama!”

Mama rushes out onto the porch and grabs Bill. “He’s having a heart attack.”

“What?” I scream.

“He’s having a heart attack,” Mama repeats. “Go inside, get the aspirin,” she commands me.

I rush into the house, going to the medicine cabinet. I return and give Mama the bottle. She crushes up one of the pills and puts the powder into Bill’s mouth.

“We need to call the hospital,” Mama says.

“No!” Bill grabs her. “No doctors. Please!” He wails in agony.

I kneel down beside him, breathing heavily as I try to concentrate. I lift my hand and Bill gives me a look.

“Don’t.” He looks at me and then his body suddenly relaxes. He loses consciousness in Mama’s arms.

Mama calls over a friend of hers, a healer, not a doctor. She looks over Bill and tends to him. When he wakes back up she asks him a string of questions.

I sit with Mama outside the door, holding her hand tight while the other is wrapped around my shoulders.

“What did you try to do?” Mama asks me.

“I was going to heal him, but…” I blink tears from my eyes. “He knew it would have hurt me in the process. I would have done it though.”

Mama rubs my back. “You know, don’t you?” she whispers. “He’s not young like he appears.”

I nod. “I know, I know. I just wanted to forget.”

The healer walks out. She closes the door and stands before us. “It was a heart attack - mild luckily, but he’ll be very weak from here on. He’s…” She hesitates. “I’m sure you know his condition better than I. But from now on, he will need assistance with most things.”

“Can I see him?” I ask with a quiver in my voice.

“Of course.”

I go into the bedroom, closing the door behind me. Bill is laying propped up on pillows. His skin looks ashen, his eyes sunken. He smiles when he sees me, sitting up slightly as I come to his bedside.

“I didn’t scare you too bad, did I?” He asks.

I kiss his temple. “Why didn’t you tell me, Bill?”

He sighs, smiling as he looks down at his hands. “I didn’t want to worry you,” he whispers. “I just wanted what time we had together to matter and to be free of that sort of shit.” He gazes back into my eyes. “I wanted us to be us unencumbered.”

I put my arms around him and lay down beside hm. “You still should have told me,” I whisper. “But don’t worry, I’m going to take care of you from now on.”

Bill sighs. “I know,” he replies softly. “I was never worried about that.”

Over the next year or so, Bill recovers. He gets stronger, but he’s never the same again. His hair turns white, seemingly all at once, but it suits him in an odd way. He gets tired easily, and eventually has to rely on a cane. I hold out hope, thinking that even in this state, I could have him for another ten years.

One Halloween we sit on the porch, handing out candy to kids. Bill is in good spirits and is having fun playing with the kids, telling them riddles they have to answer to get the candy.

“I think I need to go lie down,” Bill grunts, rising slowly from his seat. He takes his cane, then waits for me to stand and gives me a kiss. “You stay out here, have fun, eat candy.” He reaches into my bowl, which is mainly candy wrappers. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I smile at him. “Get some rest.”

Bill nods and goes back into the house. At midnight, I turn off the porch light and blow out the  jack-o’-lanterns. As I go back towards our room I stop cold in my tracks. I take a deep breath as the heavy weight settles on my shoulders.

Walking into the bedroom, I see Bill laying peacefully under the covers. His cane is toppled over on the floor and the glass globe at the top is cracked. I kneel down by the bed and take hold of Bill’s hand. The fingertips are cold and his palm is barely warm.

“Avery, did you blow out all the-” Mama stops in the doorway. “Oh, baby.” She walks in, sitting down beside me as I sob. She cries with me, holding me fast in her arms.

We bury Bill outside, marking his grave with an apple tree sapling. Jeepers’ three children attend, sitting near the edge of the woods, watching as Mama sings. In the passing years, the cats sleep under the tree, then their kittens sleep there, and so on and so on. I join them often, eating apples and talking to Bill, telling him about my day, updating him on Mama and Iggy. The cats purr and curl up in my lap.

“I know he’ll come back, Clef.” I say to a fluffy white kitten with a single black spot on its face. “It’s just a matter of time.” I smile up through the branches of the tree. “Until then, I’ll do what I can to honor him.”

Clef purrs and yawns widely, showing off their sharp teeth.

My connections found me a place to do my work, and from there we built. Going underground seems like such a cliche - something from an old book - but it provided us with the best way to hide. In less than a year I had recovered what I had lost in Germany, and I was on my way to grander things. I just needed to find my generator.

The few mages that I crossed paths with provided me with enough that I was able to create a basis for my theory. Unfortunately, they all died before I could get any definite answer. I needed something better, more powerful. But the supernatural world was in hiding, running really. Nothing like a war to mess up all your plans. Resources were already hard enough to come by, and you had to be clever if you wanted to steal something. All the tanks and weapons provided the supplies I couldn’t get, but it usually came at a great cost. The Technocracy was breathing down my neck, threatening to pull my funding if I did not come up with something. I had to find my generator fast. I was running out of time.

Then, one day on the street, I came across the strangest man I had ever seen. The poor thing had a face like a statue, but his form was wholly human. His hair was long and pale in color, and his skin was almost equally pale and dotted with freckles. His eyes were haunting, like empty houses that howled when the wind blew - once so full, but now abandoned. Despite this, he was lovely in appearance, and there was something about him that stood out like a sore thumb.

He worked for a grocer, but there was a power radiating from him. It felt thick as syrup in the air, and when I breathed in I felt it seep into my bones. There was something special about this young man, something extremely powerful. I had to get to know him, had to speak with him, but he seemed to pay no attention to anyone, save for the rugged young lad who worked with him.

I needed to get him alone, so I made an order to the grocer asking for a delivery. When the young man was coming, I hired a group of boys to attack him.

“Do what you want, just scatter when I arrive on the scene,” I told them as I paid, shilling out bills to each of them. “Within reason,” I quickly amended. “Don’t want him dying on us now, do we?” I laughed.

The boys did well. They shoved him into an alley, taking his bike and beating him. He did nothing during the attack. He just took it. He didn’t defend himself, nor did he beg for his attackers to stop. I rescued him, playing the hero. I scooped him up from the ground and helped him to his feet.

“I feel sick,” the young man said.

“Stay alert, lad, stay alert.” I patted his cheeks as I brought him into my home. “If you pass out now I may not be able to do anything for you.”

“I can’t stay,” he grumbled, pushing against me as I tried to make him sit down. “Clef will worry. He always worries. I don’t want him to.”

“Now, now, now,” I eased him back to sitting. “This Clef fellow will have to wait. You got hit pretty hard now.” I looked over his cuts and bruises, realizing they had not bled at all. The edges of the cuts were raw, but no blood was seeping out. The bruises already looked their worst, but they were a sort of sickly green and blue color. It made me think that there was life in this body, but the life of the body was gone.

“What’s your name, young man?” I asked him. “Stay with me. I won’t let you go until I know I can send you home safely.”

“Avery,” he murmured.

“Avery,” I nodded as I mouthed the word. “Nice to meet you. I am Dr. Hans Gobbar, at your service,” I chuckled. “Now tell me, I noticed that you did nothing to fend off your attackers. You didn’t even argue it. You just… took it,” I murmured, watching his blank expression never falter. “Did you want them to kill you?”

“No, of course not.” Avery turned his gaze on me.

I furrowed my brow. “Did it not hurt you?”

Avery looked down at his arm, where there was an exceptionally large bruise. “It hurt very much,” he replied.

“Then why take it?” I whispered.

Avery blinked slowly and looked up at me, away from his bruised arm. “I made a promise, a long time ago, not to make anyone suffer. If I tried to defend myself, I could have hurt someone.”

I took off my glasses as I tried to read him. His blank expression made it all but impossible. I leaned forward a bit more and touched his forehead. “A pacifist, are you?” I asked.

“Maybe,” he murmured.

“Was this promise to the Clef you mentioned earlier?” I continued to pry.

Avery shook his head. “Not this one,” I answered. “It was the first one. This Clef doesn’t remember.”

My mouth opened in surprise. “Now hold on,” I started. “Are you suggesting reincarnation? And if so, have you been reincarnated and remember your past life?” This could be it - the reason the air felt so thick around him, why he set my teeth on edge. If he had lived a past life, perhaps he had a sort of power I could utilize.

“Clef was,” Avery answered. “But I am not.” He then looked at me. “I suppose you think I’m weird talking like this. Clef says I shouldn’t speak so freely on matters.” Avery looked around with that dull expression of his. His eyes trailed along the walls and then back onto the sofa. He hand brushed over the material.

“What sort of animal was this?” he asked.

I chuckled. “The fabric wasn’t an animal. Now, don’t try to change the subject!” I laughed to make the air light. “I do not think that what you are saying is strange. No, no. In fact I am quite interested in the strange. Past lives, monsters under the bed, magic in all its forms, it’s very fascinating. It’s also very rare to find someone who speaks about it as if it were truth.”

Avery looked away from the sofa. “So you don’t mind my oddness?”

“Oh, not at all,” I gave him a big grin. “But it is the oddities of the world that we need. When do you remember someone normal sticking out? Huh?” I laughed and pulled out a jar from the side table. Inside were biscuits with jelly centers. “Go ahead, try one.”

Avery took one, looking it over for a moment before taking a bite. “I’m not hungry,” he stated. “But Clef like sweets.”

I didn’t want to get too far off track. I needed to know so much more. “Now tell me, if your friend is reincarnated, and you are not, then what are you, Avery?”

Avery looked up from the crumbs in his hand. “I’m not sure anymore. I’m not what I used to be, and I’m not really that anymore either after taking over Avery.”

“So you are not Avery, then?” My heart was pounding so fast. I had never been this excited before. I was ready to chew my nails in anticipation of his answer.

“I am and I am not,” Avery replied. He then shrugged. “I just am at this point.”

“What were you before - tell me about yourself.” I offered. “We need to make sure you’re alright before I take you home. We have the time, and I am eager to hear.”

Avery broke the biscuit into pieces absentmindedly. “What do you want to know?” He asked.

“Why not simply begin at the very beginning?” I asked. “Where do you come from?”

“I don’t remember that,” Avery answered. “I don’t really know anyone who does remember that. I can remember a time when there was nothing, then all of a sudden there was something.” He glanced out the window. “I remember the day humans came,” he murmured. “That was strange. I was told to ignore them though because of how temporary and fast they were.” He looked back at me. “Sorry, no offense.”

“None taken, Avery. Go on, go on.” I could have been foaming at the mouth and chewing a pillow and I doubt he would have noticed.

“I found humanity to be amazing. They were so helpless yet so determined. They had no idea how fruitless and meaningless their lives really were. They simply wanted to live. That was it. I wanted to help them, to do something for them.” He blinked a few times. “You really don’t find this strange?”

“Why would I?” I chuckled. I wanted to scream at him, shake him, tell him to get on with it. If he didn’t get to the meat of the matter I was going to strangle him.

“That’s when I met Clef,” Avery answered. “They were so special to me. I loved them, I needed them, but I only ended up hurting them.” His eyes looked up at me and for a moment I thought I saw a flicker of humanity there. “That is why I will do anything for Clef now.”

I was going to strangle him. I needed to! He wasn’t telling me anything I needed! Get to the point, get to the point!

“They worshipped me as a god, as a savior, but I only did what Clef wanted.” Avery looked away again.

A god? I nearly fell from my seat then and there. Did I hear this moron correctly? Did he say he was a god?

“I tried to keep Clef with me as long as possible, but eventually I lost them.” Avery closed his eyes. “There was so much war, I lost everything. Then I found Avery, and when I realized I couldn’t save him, I...” He stopped and looked back at me. “You’re smiling.”

“Am I?” I laughed. I had it! I had it at long last! This little freak was my answer, my possible generator. If he was what he claimed to be, then there was no stopping the Technocracy! “I’m enthralled by your story, your life,” I said. “But maybe, it is time we get you home.”

I couldn’t act just yet. I wasn’t even certain that Avery’s claims were true. I needed to work myself into his trust first. Once I had him in my hands, I would be able to find out what he was truly capable of. I took him home and met his Clef, who insisted I call him Bill. He was protective of Avery and seemed none too pleased to have me in his home. But I needed Avery, so I was willing to do anything.

Once Bill stormed out of the room, I had Avery to myself. “I didn’t mean to upset him,” I said apologetically. “I feel so strongly for these things. You understand, right?”

“I do,” Avery answered. “Everything you said it true. All this time I have watched men and seen what they do to one another. Every word is how I feel. I want so badly to do what Clef wanted, and you know all about how to get there!”

“Not all,” I chuckled. “That is why my research is so important. I could use help,” I replied. “Someone who is like-minded, someone who wants the best for humanity and its future.”

“I don’t know of anyone,” Avery replied. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin to look for such people.”

Maybe he was a god, but he was certainly a stunted idiot. “You don’t want to take up the offer, Avery?” I kept up the kind persona. “I was hoping you would want to help me.”

Avery blinked a few times. “Oh! Really?” He tilted his head. “I’m not sure Clef would want that.”

“Go talk to him. If it makes you happy then maybe he’ll agree to it. I’ll also be able to pay you handsomely.”

Avery stood up. “I’ll go see if Clef is okay.”

I soon had Avery to myself as he came to work for me. I didn’t show him everything - I took him into my research lab but I did not show him the full scope of my research. Once I had built up his trust and I was certain of what he was, I would take him down there.

From what I have gathered, Avery is a forgotten god, and therefore a weak one. His powers are at their lowest, so much so that when he tried to save the real Avery, an actual mage, he had gotten pulled into the young man’s dying body. Now he was trapped there until his powers could return, about as useful as a dim lightbulb. There was a power there, a possible reservoir of it, but there had to be a proper way to tap it and bring it back.

Then, one day, I decided to test what he was capable of. I sliced my hand open, faking an accident with the equipment. I sank to the floor as blood spilled everywhere. I saw a look in Avery’s eyes, one that nearly gave him away.

“Avery!” I cried. “Help me...” I raised my bleeding hand up to him as I writhed on the ground.

Avery knelt down beside me. “I don’t know if I can.”

I clung to him, staining  his clothes with blood. “Please! Avery! All our work… it will be useless without me,” I gasped for breath. “Please, you have to save me.”

Avery took hold of my arm and I felt as though I were on fire. I cried out in genuine pain. As my spilled blood started rising from the floor. It swirled in the air, spinning around Avery’s head. His eyes began to glow, and a radiant light spilled from his mouth. He threw his head back, letting out a scream that rattled reality around me.

Avery let go, and screamed again before dropping to the ground. I gasped in fear, scrambling to get away from him. My heart was palpitating, and my blood was seeping back into the cut. The cut sizzled, steaming as the flesh sealed back together.

Avery’s eyes and mouth were wide open, still spewing light. His powers had not yet returned to him, but he had them. I grinned victoriously. I finally had him.

I took Avery to the basement, placing him on a table and binding his arms and legs. His body hung limp, and his skin looked pallid and crinkled. I stepped away, locking him inside the room. I had to cover my tracks. Bill would need to be dealt with - he would obviously come looking for Avery. I couldn’t deal with any such annoyances, so I set a trap.

The air raids served as the perfect cover. The address I had given Bill was, of course, fake. Once he was there, it would be too late. He would get trapped by the air raids, and if he somehow survived, I would make sure my men took care of him.

Avery came to his senses two days later. I had been experimenting on him while he was unconscious, hooking him up to various devices of my own invention to see what he was capable of. If all went well, I could use him to get ahead of the Manhattan project in America.

As Avery woke, his eyes had yet to regain their color. There was a faint circle where the iris was, and the pupil was a foggy gray. He tried to move his arms, and when he found he couldn’t, he went limp again.

“Where am I?” His voice was strained and cracking. “What happened to me?”

“Nothing to worry about,” I chuckled. “You’re safe and sound with me.”

“Clef?” Avery whispered. “Where is he? I need him.” He strained his arms again, trying to lift them. “Why can’t I see anything?”

“I told you,” I chuckled. “Nothing to worry about!” I patted the side of his face and his head jerked to the side. “You are still helping me to conduct my research, Avery. You should be happy.” I walked over to the counter, pulling open a drawer full of syringes. Taking one out, I moved to the refrigeration unit and took a bottle from inside.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” Avery answered. “Please, tell me where Clef is.”

“You know,” I sigh as I fill the syringe, “I am not sure where your Clef is.” I set the empty bottle aside and tap the syringe with my finger, giving it a squeeze so all the air escaped. Not that it would matter. I could pump his veins full of air and he would probably only burp. “The air raids were not so forgiving.”

Avery gasped, his mouth hanging open. He took a few deep breaths and thrashed his head side to side. “Let me go!” he cried. “Please! Let me go! I need to get out of here! I can’t let it find me!”

I grabbed him, shoving the syringe into his neck.

“What is that?” Avery cried out.

“Something to keep you compliant.” I sighed.

Avery went slack in the restraints. “I can’t move,” he whispered. “I can’t feel anything.” His jaw trembled as he tried to move his head. “Hans, why are you doing this to me?”

I stood beside him and pressed a guard into his mouth. He choked and rasped for a moment as I fit it into place. “Imagine what I could do with the power of a god on my side,” I murmured softly to him. I brushed his hair from his face as his eyes became wide, nearly looking deranged. “I would no longer be playing god, as your little friend put it.” I moved aside, pulling several levers.

“We can still change the world, Avery,” I told him. “We can reset the core of humanity and take away the suffering in the world. We can create a utopia, just for us. All we need to do is restart everything.”

Avery shook his head back and forth, choking on the guard in his mouth.

I finished flipping a few switches and returned to Avery, placing two rods from the ceiling on his chest and stomach. “It will take a while to rebuild. After all, only so many phoenixes can rise from the ashes.”

Avery goes still and his eyes focus on me.

“The world will burn,” I chuckled. “But it will be for the good.”

The power surged and the ground rumbled. I heard a great cacophony of noise from the other room. There was an explosion, and the door to the room blew from its hinges and hits me. I  toppled to the floor, sliding down the wall. I knew some of my bones were broken, and I had trouble breathing.

I had to get Avery, I told myself. We need to get out of here, or there is no hope. All my work will rot! I started to get up, crying out in anguish. I got to my feet, and saw that outside the door the rest of the underground facility looked like hell.

I went to the table, undoing one of the restraints on Avery’s arm. He lashed out and his fist latched onto my throat.

“What are you doing?” I choked. I grabbed hold of him. “How are you doing this?” I fought his arm back down. “I thought you promised Clef to cause no suffering!” I spat at him.

His hand broke free of the other restraint and clamped over my face. His fingers slipped into my mouth, and I bit down hard upon him. I didn’t taste blood, but I could taste the flesh on my tongue.

Suddenly, Avery’s body went limp and he sagged onto the table. I laughed, spitting him from my mouth. “I knew you were too weak. I knew-” The sound of a gun rang through my ears. I looked up, seeing Avery’s blank expression on the face of a young soldier. I lurched forward, taking a step before I crumpled to the ground. There was blood on the floor in front of me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The young soldier had been standing in the doorway, and I took advantage of his proximity. Distracting Hans was another thing. I didn’t want to have to possess the young man, but I had no choice in the matter of my survival.

I escaped Hans’ laboratory and watched his house burn down. The shape of his teeth remained imprinted on my fingers, and I would probably carry the scar forever. I went in search of Clef, but our home was destroyed. In the ruins of the building, I found Clef’s journal. Inside were recipes, notes and observations about me. There were passages detailing his devotion to me, and how his feelings were changing and yet the same.

I then found a picture of him. He was smiling and in uniform. He looked so young. On the back there were runes. It was a spell of protection written by Avery before I became him. The magic was still strong. It was probably the only reason I was still alive. Avery had been young, but quite powerful in his magic. I prayed the spell still worked, and that Clef was out there alive somewhere, although I now realized he was far better off without me.

I needed to get away, run from the war. It was already changing me, and I had gone against Clef’s wishes to save myself. I had done something so utterly and completely human - I fought for my life. I was scared and still could not see clearly. My vision was impaired and probably would be for a long time. I ran from the city, going back the way I came, heading north and watching as the sun went down, and my eyes grew dimmer with it.

Now I don’t know where to go, nor do I know what to do with myself. All I know is that I need to keep moving. I have to escape somehow, but I know it will always be following me. Suffering - it would always be breathing down my neck. It’s best that Clef will no longer be around me. I was foolish to think I could keep them. I made that mistake before, and I only ended up hurting them.

I find a place to rest, a warm home where the family thinks I am harmless and tries to serve me liquor and soup. That night, as I lay down on a mat on the floor, I think about Clef. I used to be so close to them. If Clef was here, I would sneak into their bed. I feel so lonely at night, and the overwhelming loneliness drove me to him. Now, I have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. Even as I feel the loneliness creep over me and settle heavy on my shoulders, I want to cry. It would be the second most human thing I have ever done, and yet, I am incapable. I feel suffocated and restrained, much like I was on Hans’ table.

“Hey, Mama, you seen that kid wandering around?” Old Allen asks me.

I wipe my brow and tilt my head at him. “I see a lot of kids. You gotta be specific.”

“Kind of scrawny looking thing. Long hair. Dead eyes,” Old Allen shakes his head at this. “Wearing an old grey hoodie. Jeepers kind of got ahold of him.”

I glance at the massive Maine Coon, staring at me like he knows the exact day I am going to die. “Jeepers doesn’t kind of get anybody. He gets them or he ignores them. What’d he do?”

Old Allen shrugs. “The youngun’ was walking along. He stopped for some reason just outside the gate, and Jeepers there sort of lost it on him. The boy grabbed Jeepers and held him for a moment before Jeepers ran away.”

“He held Jeepers?” I scoff in disbelief.

“Not before Jeepers got a few good swats in. I offered to give the boy something to cover the cuts, but he said no and walked away.” Old Allen shakes his head. “Some other people around have seen him too. Said they thought he was a zombie or something.”

“Huh,” I murmur. I cross my arms over my chest. “I’ve not heard anything about him. If I see him, I'll check him out.” I smirk. “Make doubly sure he’s nothing to worry about.”

I go back to my truck, planning on heading to the hardware store to pick up a new window unit. I have a towel over my window, hoping to keep out what mosquitoes and bugs I can. I can’t live with an open window like that, and I’m not going to deal with the heat as it is. I don’t have much money, but I know I can talk the girl at the hardware store down on something.

As I pull up at the hardware store, I see someone who might very well be the zombie boy Old Allen mentioned. He’s sitting on the bench just outside, his hood pulled up over his head and his pale hair falling out in front of his face. He’s holding a Gameboy with duct tape over the back, playing something with a lot of screechy, glitchy sound effects. His hands are as pale as mine are dark. I can’t see his face, but judging from what I can take in, I can understand why they call him a zombie.

I go inside and look over the small selection of air conditioners, checking the measurements so I am certain one will fit my window. Margot, who is running the place while her father is sick, walks up beside me.

“Is he still out there, Mama?” she asks me.

“Hmm?” I look up from reading a box. “The kid outside?” I ask.

Margot nods, her dark brown eyes looking at me in desperation. “He’s creepy and he’s been out there all day.”

“You? Afraid of some kid, Margot?” I scoff.

“Did you not see his eyes?” Margot whispers. “I offered him a drink, and the way he looked at me...” She shudders.

I motion to the AC unit I’ve been eyeballing. “Give me a deal on this. I’ll take care of the kid, see if he’s worth busting a nail or two.”

“Thank you!” Margot gasps in awe. “Thank you so much.”

I go back outside, and that zombie boy is still sitting on the bench. He smacks the Gameboy on the arm of the bench a few times before looking at the screen.

“It’s kind of hot out here to be wearing a hoodie,” I say to him. “Are you okay, kid? Know anyone around here?”

He remains quiet, tapping away at the video game.

I sigh and fold my arms. “You think ignoring me will make me go away? It takes a lot more than silent treatment to make me do anything.” I walk around the bench and sit down beside him.

“If you’re running from something, I’d be the right person to talk to.” I say to him. I try to put feelers out on him, but he has a wall up. I furrow my brow. Usually I can read someone easy, but this wall feels as thick and strong as the earth itself. “That magic you’ve got around yourself makes me think you’re scared of something.”

He stops playing his game and looks at me. His eyes are as dead as Old Allen said. I can see why Margot would say he’s creepy, but I’m not buying it. I have seen worse things than this skinny twig of a kid. Back in Vietnam I saw just about the worst of the worst, mage-related and not.

“You can call me Mama,” I say to him. “You look like you could use something to eat. Skinny white boys don’t get much skinnier than that,” I chuckle.

The boy looks down then back up at me. “I’m white?”

“Boy, are you-” I stop myself and scoff. There is no irony to his voice, no hint of sarcasm. He honestly just sounds dumb as a bag of rocks. “Are you messing with me?”

He shakes his head. “It wouldn’t be worth my time. Why bother?”

“Who are you?” I ask him. “Last time I felt such a wall around a person, they were in a state of shell shock and not responsible for what their magic did.”

“A wolf bites you once, you learn,” the boy murmurs.  He shrugs and sighs. “I’m Avery.”

I chuckle to myself. “Are you planning on staying here? Or are you just passing through, Avery?” I ask him.

“I’m looking for someone,” he murmurs. “I thought they might be attracted to this place.” He looks up and points down the road. “Their hometown was back there, but it’s not a pleasant place anymore.”

“If you’re talking about Evesly, then yeah. It’s been a cesspool these last twenty years.” I say, watching his blank expression very closely.

“This place felt nice, safe,” he murmurs. “I thought maybe they would come here, but I’ve not seen them at all.”

“Who are they?” I say softly. “Maybe I can help you.”

Avery raises his head from the Gameboy as the screen goes blank. He stares off into the distance for a moment, then places the Gameboy into the backpack between his ankles. “I don’t remember anymore.” He takes a picture from the backpack. It’s old, featuring a handsome young man wearing a World War Two army uniform. I flip the picture over to find a wall of text scribbled on the back.

“How long have you been looking?” I whisper to him urgently.

“I’m not sure. Time has been strange for me.” Avery takes the picture back and hides it away. I see there are cat scratches on his hand, but they have not healed. Nor have then even shed any blood, from the look of them.

“Then where have you been staying?” I ask him.

Avery shrugs. “Wherever. There’s an old cabin off that dirt road,” he murmurs, nodding his head in the direction. “But the spirit there is loud and abusive, so I slept outside last night.”

“The old Cutler Cabin. I know it,” I sigh with a nod. “You still want that meal?”

Avery turns back to me. “Why are you offering?”

I give him a smile. “Because I’m Mama.”

Avery’s eyes glance over me once and his shoulders relax ever so slightly. “You don’t look like someone who would be called Mama.”

“Well I am,” I laugh. “And it’s my job to protect the people here. Lots of dark magic hidden in the corners here, you know?” I glance around. “People getting into things they don’t know, like kids playing with matches.” I stand up and offer my hand to Avery. “You’re here, so as long as you are, you fall under my protection as well.”

Avery takes my hand and jolt surges through my body, shaking me to my core. There is something very strange and ancient about this boy, more so than I have ever encountered in my life.

I take him across the street to the diner, where we sit in a booth. Several people around us and stare, seeming agitated by Avery’s presence here. I sigh, trying to ignore their gazes and sneers.

“So, tell me, Avery,” I murmur, “do you need a place to stay while you’re here?”

Avery seems fascinated by the seats we’re in, upholstered in shiny red vinyl. He’s rubbing his hand along it, making the fabric squeak.

“What sort of skin is this?” He raises his eyes towards me. “I can’t recall anything that is this shiny. What sort of creatures do you raise around here?”

“It’s latex,” I laugh. “It’s not the skin of anything. It’s like rubber or plastic.”

“Huh,” Avery murmurs. “I was worried for a moment there were shiny cows somewhere.” He shrugs. “I rarely eat inside anywhere.”

I furrow my brow at him. “Who the heck are you?” I ask him again. “You said your name was Avery, but where did you come from? What are you?”

“It’s personal,” Avery mutters. He looks up as the waitress brings us glasses of ice water and menus.

“Okay, that’s fine,” I murmur. “I can respect that if you don’t want to share it.”

“Thanks,” he says. As he lifts the menu, I see there is a row of scars along the fingers of his right hand. They’re very red and they almost look like teeth marks.

“What do you like to eat Avery?” I ask him. “Pancakes? Chicken?”

“Not sure,” Avery sighs. “I don’t like eating. Nothing is ever so good. It’s sort of boring.” He lays down the menu. “Pancakes are fine.”

“They’re good here too.” I lay my own menu down. I can tell there is no joy in him whatsoever. Avery is merely a husk of a human being with something wholly inhuman piloting the body. “I think I’ll have the same.”

“I don’t need anywhere to stay,” he says. “You don’t need to go out of your way to do anything at all for me.”

“I am called Mama for a reason,” I chuckle. “I can help you, Avery. Whatever it is, at least let me try. If anything, I can keep you from being lonely.”

There is a flicker of something in his eyes, something very human. They focus on me for a moment. “Why would you want to do that?”

“Because sometimes all a lost soul needs is someone to care for it. Your friend - whoever they are - must have given you that a long time ago, or else you would not be searching for them.” I lean forward, taking hold of Avery’s hand in both of mine. “That picture you had has runes on it that are old and powerful protection spells. Whoever wrote them poured love into them.” I give him a smile. “You can stay with me, even if it’s just for a few days.” I lean back in the booth. “But if you intend to stay longer, I will insist you earn your keep.”

Avery takes in a deep breath. “What for?”

“Because I will not be taken advantage of,” I scoff. “And as far as I can tell, you’re weird but healthy. You’ll work, earn your keep, earn some money, earn some respect for yourself. Because as far as I can see, you’re only living because you’re scared.”

Avery’s eyes widen suddenly.

“Survival is all it is,” I whisper. “You have no life in you, but your will to live is strong.” I nod my head at him. “You have no idea who you are. I’ll help you discover an identity.”

“You aren’t what you appear to be either,” Avery replies. “Are you, Elliot?”

I frown at him. “That is my deadname, you little shit.” I jab a finger at him. “And you are right, I am not what I appear to be. I am better.” I give him a smirk. “I was born Elliot, but my destiny was to become Mama. I knew that ever since I was in short pants and stealing my sister’s clothes.” I shoot him a warning look. “I am your elder, so respect me.”

“I am older than you,” Avery grumbles.

“Maybe you are,” I smile. “But I bet I could cook your ass in a skillet before you even knew what hit you.”

Avery looks back down at the table, his eyes focusing on the menu.

“I have raised a couple of assholes into fine young adults. I bet I can do the same for you, Avery.” I give him another soft smile.

“It’s not good to have me around,” Avery says low under his breath.

“Probably not,” I laugh. “But somethings aren’t worth it without a risk. So what do you say?”

“I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it,” Avery sighs.

The waitress takes our orders, and a few minutes later she lays our pancakes down in front of us. I watch as Avery eats, slowly taking bites and letting the food collect in his cheeks like some sort of dull hamster.  He reaches over, takes the syrup and pours - and pours, and pours. The bottle is nearly empty by the time he stops flooding his pancakes.

“What do you think?” I ask.

Avery shrugs, taking another chunk of pancakes into his mouth and swallowing. “It’s food,” he replies. “Nothing too special.”

“Just wait until I cook for you. I know a few Creole recipes from my grandmother that will make you rethink your opinions on food.”

“How good could they be?” Avery frowns.

“Good. Now shut up and eat everything.” I point at his plate. “Growing boys need big meals. I’m paying for this, so you best show some gratitude and appreciate it.”

“I’m not growing,” he mutters confused.

“Just eat, just eat.” I sigh.

I take him home with me. I asked him to carry the air conditioner inside, but when he tries he nearly falls over and breaks his neck. After getting him off the ground, I show him to the guest room at the back of the house. It’s kind of dull, like him, but the bed is comfortable and he has his own bathroom.

“I’ll get you some sheets and a quilt for tonight,” I tell him. “Once you get settled I’ll start setting you up to read fortunes.”

“What?” Avery scoffs.

“Like you did in the diner when you tried to be a dick.” I grinned. “You have a gift. You can use it to tell fortunes. I do the same.”

“Someone with powers like yours, and you tell fortunes?” Avery grumbles.

“Pays the bills, fills the fridge. Plus dumb tourists will pay anything to get the goosebumps,” I cackle.

Avery looks back into the room. “This place feels… safe.”

“Yeah, and?” I laugh.

“There’s only been one place I ever felt that before.” Avery walks into the room and sits down at the bed. His hand smooths over the top while his eyes focus off into the distance.

I come inside, pulling a chair from the desk and sitting down before him. “I can’t promise you that I can fill the role of your old friend. I don’t want to even try to do that. I can promise that I will be here for you if you think you need me. You can hold my hand, you ask me for help. I will do what is in my power, but nothing beyond that.”

Avery takes hold of my hand and squeezes it. “People have been so cruel to you,” he whispers as his fingers tighten. “Why do you continue to be so kind?”

“Because kindness is hard,” I whisper to him. “And there isn’t enough of it in the world.” I stand up and put my arms around Avery. “There’s a lot of suffering out there. I can use mine to better understand people who have not gotten through theirs.”

Avery holds me, and his fingers tighten on the back of my shirt. A small whimper escapes his throat.

I chuckle softly and hold his pale face in my palms. “There it is. I knew there was something there.”

A single tear slips down his cheek. “You’re weird.”

I laugh and pat his cheek. “The best people in the world are,” I tell him. I pull back the curtains on the window and see that it is raining outside. “Oh good, I’ve been praying for rain for days now.”

Avery sniffles. “What for?”

“Many reasons.” I glance back at him. “Rain brings many things with it. Some good, some bad.” I sigh. “Well, don’t sit too long. Come help me get this AC unit up and running.”

Avery wipes his face. “Why? I don’t want it.”

Avery has an ability to read people, see certain things on a deep level. I believe he is an empath, which means he can tell a person what they want to hear. When that’s the case, they tend to pay way better. It’s a bit underhanded, sure, but sometimes there are people who won’t listen to anything at all, and those are the ones I send to Avery.

I have a lot of repeat business, locals who know me and what I am capable of. But most of my clients are tourists, high schoolers from neighboring towns, bachelorette parties, and people just looking for a good time. These are usually Avery’s clientele.

“None of these people actually believe in magic, Mama,” Avery grumbles as I help him get set up. He’s quite pretty, even with his zombielike complexion, so I dress him up with some makeup, and try to liven up that pale skin with my best rouge. The androgyny angle makes him more credible to the patrons. If you came in to get your fortune done and found some skinny white boy, you’d probably laugh and walk out the door.

Avery rubs at his eyes, and I grab his wrist. “I told you not to rub!” I snap at him. “You’ll smudge your makeup.”

“This mascara is awful,” Avery groans.

“Would you rather wear false lashes?” I give him the eye. “Because I’ve been there. I’ve suffered through a decade of wearing false lashes. You’re not strong enough.”

Avery grimaces. “Why would you do it if you didn’t like them?”

I sigh. “Because some people think a woman has to present herself at a certain level of femininity at all times. And since I may not be everyone’s favorite version of woman, I may have tried too hard at one point.”

Avery goes quiet for a long moment as I finish touching up his nails. “I think you’re woman enough Mama,” he murmurs. “But only because women scare me.”

I laugh, chuckling to myself as I shake my head. “That’s smart.” I grin at him. “It’s not about being enough, but about being happy with yourself.”

Avery shrugs. “Are you?”

I smile and nod. “Yeah. Took a long time, but I’m finally happy.”

Avery’s eyes fall down onto his hands. “That’s good. You deserve it, Mama.” He looks over his nails. “Ugh, what color is this?”

I hear the chimes on the front door ringing as someone comes inside. “Fortune teller color. Now go get behind the table!” I shoo him as I go to the front.

It’s strange to see a man come into the store alone. Usually he has a girlfriend dragging him along, or a herd of drunk friends around him. This man looks haggard and unkempt. His hair is mussed and his expression is a hair away from panic.

“Can I help you?” I ask cautiously.

“Uh,” he looks around, stepping forward and stumbling. He picks himself up and looks at me. “I was told to come here for help.”

“Help?” I move towards the counter, where I keep a few forms of self defense. “What kind of help?”

“They said you could stop the process,” he twitches. “After the bite, there is still a chance, right?”

I furrow my brow, moving my hand over the pepper spray. “I can tell you’re scared, sir,” I say. “But you have to tell me exactly what the matter is.”

He presses up against the counter, his long fingers gripping the edge. He has extra joints in his hands. Not good.

“The wolf,” he shudders. “At least I think it was a wolf. It was big, and hairy.” He starts to wheeze and he lays his head on the counter. “Help me please!”

“Mama?” Avery comes out from the back. “Are you okay?”

The man jerks, his neck and shoulders cracking. His eyes get wide as he focuses on Avery. “You!” he snarls. He lunges toward him, tackling Avery onto the ground.

I grab the gun, but by the time I move Avery has the man on the ground instead. The man is kicking, screaming, and he has already started to transform into a rougarou. Avery pushes down on his neck, pressing hard. The man’s hands wrap around his wrist, trying to fight him off, when a blinding light envelops them both. I stagger backwards, hitting the counter and knocking a lamp off. The breaking lamp causes a power surge, and everything goes dark.

I hear breathing, low and harsh. Then I hear sobbing.

“Avery,” I gasp, running forward. “Avery, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Avery sighs. “Are you alright, Mama?”

I let out a heavy breath, clutching my hand around my chest. “The man...” I step forward, “What’d you do? What was that?”

“I didn’t kill him,” Avery says. “I won’t do that.”

I wave my hand in the air, conjuring lights that float around us. Looking down, I see the man on the floor, still pinned under Avery. He’s sobbing, covering his face with his strange, new hands.

“What did you do?” I whisper.

“I stopped his pulse,” Avery says. “Then started it again. The shift stopped in that moment between the two. I’m afraid it wasn’t soon enough. He looks like a rougarou, but he still maintains his humanity.”

I help Avery off the floor, then kneel down beside the man. “Shut up shop, Avery. Lets get this one taken care of.”

Avery and I get the man set up in the bedroom next to Avery’s. He’s very weak, and his emotions are out of control. He mostly just cries and keeps himself hidden under the covers. For a few days Avery and I tend to him, giving him food and drink and trying to get him to speak.

“What’re you going to do with him?” Avery asks me.

“Not sure,” I sigh. “I’ve never had this sort of situation before. Not sure exactly what the protocol is.” I sit down on the porch, watching through the trees. “I’ve dealt with rougarou before, but…” I lay my head into my palm. “Iggy just looks like one. He’s fully human aside from that.”

Avery tilts his head to the side and squints at me. “Iggy?”

“We haven’t gotten a name from him, so-” I wave my hand up and down my body. “His body looks like Iggy Pop made out of jerky, you know?” I hesitate. Avery’s strange expression doesn’t budge.

“Don’t know anything about music, do you?” I sigh.

Avery glances aside and his expression becomes a bit distant. “My friend used to sing a lot. Especially when he was cooking, or taking a bath.” He looks at his hand and the chipped nail polish on it. “Something about an apple tree.”

“The Andrews Sisters?” I ask.

Avery shrugs. “The only time I really paid attention to music was because of him.”

“Well, in any case,” I say, knowing he wants to change the subject, “since we don’t know his name, I called him Iggy.”

“But what are we going to do with him?” Avery insists. “Are you going to keep him here too?”

“I have a cat. Might as well have a dog,” I sigh.

Avery’s features become cross for a moment as he looks at me. “Am I the cat?”

I smile to myself as I stand back up and head through the door.

“No, Mama, seriously - do you call me a cat?” Avery follows me inside. As I go into the kitchen, Iggy is hunched over the sink, holding his head under the running faucet.

“You’re out and about, that’s good.” I come up beside him, standing before the counter while the cold water drizzles over him. He has patches of hair here and there, and his skin is definitely leathery and jerky-like. His face is long, stretched into wolf features. His eyes are a deep green - usually a rougarou’s eyes go black.

“I’m sorry I’ve been a pill,” he grumbles.

“I think you have full reason to be,” I reply. “What you’ve gone through... not many people make it out alive, let alone with their humanity.”

Iggy sits up from the sink and turns back to look at Avery. “What’d you do to me?”

“I stopped the curse from spreading,” Avry states blankly. “I stopped your heart so the curse went away. When I restarted it, you-” he stops himself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what it would do.”

“No,” Iggy sighs shaking his head. “I thought I was going to die, or worse.” He rubs his eyes and sits down at the kitchen table. “I made the mistake. I should pay for it.”

Avery fidgets in place. He looks at Iggy, then quickly turns and leaves the room.

I put on coffee, offering Iggy a warm cup that he drinks happily. “You’ve got a home here until we can figure out what to do with you,” I tell him. “I know some people who can help, places you can go to hide. But you’ll be safe here.”

“Not much different than when I was out there.” Iggy says, looking over his hands. “My parents were Native and Romani. All my life I moved from place to place as we dealt with, well… what I am now.”

“Your family are hunters?” I ask in surprise.

Iggy nods. “Were,” he mutters. “Parents died a few years ago. I’ve been going at it on my own but I got… so stupid.” He lays his head on the table.

“You’re young, stupidity is a given.” I pet the top of his head.

That evening I return from the thrift store with some clothes for Iggy. I find Avery sitting on the porch, huddled over a stack of empty candy wrappers while focusing on his Gameboy. His knees are pulled up inside his hoodie, and the small desk lamp hovering over the screen reflects a glare in his eyes.

I walk up to him and sit down in the wicker chair behind him. “What’s bothering you? You’ve not come inside at all today.” I kick a stack of wrappers. “And where the hell did you get this candy? I thought I found your stash.”

Avery pulls his hood up to further hide himself.

“Hey,” I scold. “Look at me.”

“I’m a cat, I don’t have to,” he grumbles.

I put my hand on his shoulder. “Avery, talk to me. What is wrong?”

Avery lowers his Gameboy and stares out into the distance. The air is becoming hazy with golden hues from the sunset, and lightening bugs are glittering in the trees.

“I made a promise to someone,” he whispers low. “I had done something wrong, and when they found out they got so mad at me.” He curls tighter into himself. “I was so terrified of losing them, so I made a promise to them I would never cause suffering to anyone.” He takes in a heavy breath. “I know I have to defend myself. That sometimes doing that isn’t the same as causing suffering. But-” his voice hitches. “What I did to him… I feel like I’ve really gone back on my word.”

“Baby,” I sit down on the ground beside him. “You saved him from being a mindless, soulless creature. What happened to him was not your fault. What you did may have changed him, but you were able to save his life.”

Avery turns towards me. “You’re just saying that,” he whimpers.

“No, I am not.” I pull him into my arms, hugging him tight. “What you did was a blessing,” I say. “Iggy blames himself more than you.”

Avery’s arms wrap around me, squeezing tight as he rests his forehead on my shoulder. “I don’t want to hurt anyone, Mama. But I feel like that is all I can do. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve hurt Bill… Clef… anyone I really, truly, care about. If I hurt you...” He starts to sob.

“Hey,” I whisper. I lift his chin to see fat tears rolling down his face. “That’s is a risk a parent takes for their kids.” I smile at him, rubbing the tears away. “You may hurt me, Avery, that could happen with everybody and anybody. The difference is that you know when you’ve done wrong and you can fix it.”

Avery whimpers. “You won’t leave me?”

“No,” I scoff. “I would never think of it.”

Avery hugs me tight again, whimpering as I run my fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry you’ve been hurt before. Everyone has things they must carry.” I sigh and start rocking him. “It’s part of what makes us grow.”

“But it hurts,” Avery sniffles.

“Growing pains,” I chuckle. “Now.” I sit up and get Avery on his feet. “Clean up your candy wrappers, and go brush your teeth. If you get cavities you’re the one who is going to have to pay for it.” I give him a soft smile. “I’ll have dinner on in a minute. Iggy says he’s going to join us tonight.” I lift up the bag of clothes. “I found you something at the thrift store too. I think you’ll like it.”

I start to walk inside, and Avery quickly grabs my hand. “Wait, Mama,” he says urgently.

I turn back and look at him. “What’s up?”

Avery sniffles and wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie. “I love you, Mama.”

I turn back to him, wrapping him up in my arms as tight as possible. “I love you too,” I kiss his forehead. I chuckle, giving him an extra tight squeeze. “You’re a frustrating mess, but I love you, Avery.”

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Mama has gotten a record at the thrift store. She even pulls out her record player and sets it up in my room. That night, as I look over the record, I see the song that Bill always sang. I set the record on to play and lie back in bed, closing my eyes.

I don’t remember ever hearing this song performed by anyone but Bill, so it’s strange to hear these Andrews Sisters sing it. I’m used to hearing Bill’s deep voice singing in a whisper as he washed dishes or cut vegetables.

Don’t sit under the apple tree, with anyone else but me. Anyone else but me. Anyone else but me. No. No. No. Just remember that I’ve been true to nobody else but you. So just be true to me.

No, I heard the song somewhere else. No, not me - Avery. The Avery before me heard this somewhere with Bill. I lay back, trying to go deeper into the memory. It’s dark, but the music is loud and the voices are everything. I smell beer, lots of it. I hear it sloshing from mugs and onto the floor. Men are laughing, drunk as hell, drinking as if their lives depend on it. I can see Bill sitting before me. His mug is almost empty and his skin is flushed. He looks at me - no, he looks at Avery.

The way Bill’s eyes focus reminds me of how he looked at me in bed when he was on top of me. I knew what it meant, and Avery knew it as well. They waited, peering at their mates before they got up and made their move. Bill took hold of Avery’s hand as soon as he could and the two of them went behind the bar.

The air is cold all around them, but they are suddenly so very hot. Bill grabs me - no, Avery - and his rough, strong hands clutch his body. They grab his hips, his rear, all while his mouth is plastered to Avery’s. He tastes like beer and salt, but Avery is focused more on how good he feels. They’re desperate, I can sense it.

Don’t sit under the apple tree, with anyone else but me. Anyone else but me. Anyone else but me.

“I need you,” Bill gasps into Avery’s ear. “I can’t hold it any more.”

“I know,” Avery’s skilled hands are already undoing Bill’s belt and pants. “I’m scared, Bill,” he says. “But when I’m with you, I’m safe.”

Bill presses Avery to the wall, kissing him hard as he lifts him off the ground. I can feel Bill’s hard cock through his underwear. I can feel Avery’s breath shudder as he realizes what’s going to happen.

Their love is urgent and powerful, not exactly gentle, not really rough. They try to keep their voices down, but as it starts to snow and the world goes quiet, it is hard to do. Their breath comes out in thick puffs of steam. I kiss Bill, tasting him as he throbs deep inside of me. No, he’s inside Avery, but it feels like me. His fist is around our cock, stroking us while still moving inside us.

“I love you,” Bill whispers as tears fill his eyes.

Avery kisses him, I kiss him. “I love you too,” we say.

The record scratches. Anyone else but you. Anyone else but you. Anyone else but you.

I lay there panting, my cum drenching my fingers and belly. I catch my breath in a sob. I use the back of my arm to wipe my face and a dirty shirt to clean myself up. I hug my knees to my chest, sobbing as I recall how much I loved Bill, how much I loved Clef. It wasn’t Avery who made me feel that love, although it did urge me foreward.

I would do anything to find Bill, to hold him, to tell him how sorry I was, and that I still love him. I want him to meet Mama too, because she’s so important to me.