#deghrssi

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she is. unsure yet if it’s because of the cold, the alcohol starting to settle in her stomach or the weird feeling she has being at a party with people she didn’t really belong with. but with the invite from some of the girls she’s been getting to know, the need to get out of her house, and the desire to taste something other than her usual wine or champagne she had at home --  here she is. 

she's been in tears for the better part of the day. couch ridden with a hollow feeling that kept her from getting up to so much as get a glass of water. her eyes wandered as she purposefully used the feeling of his duvet between her fingers to keep her hands busy. if only there were something that would do the same for her mind. all thoughts had gone quiet the day before, up until the moment she fell asleep on craig's couch. fast paced nightmares hung over her head as she tossed & turned, heavy breaths & shivers making it hard to stay asleep. & waking up wasn't much different. she was quiet, but her conscience wasn't. she couldn't stop thinking about the past few days. this entire trip had gone from some magical hollywood vacation to a whole mess of stress & heartache. avoiding all of her problems felt like the right thing to do at first, but it only made it that much harder to handle when things got even harder. so she's stuck in her head, only able to acknowledge craig with an apologetic look.

ellie detested acting like this. didn't want to have to be taken care of. especially by somebody who she felt responsible for looking after herself. that probably wasn't fair though. it was a part of their unhealthy cycle, one she found herself in time after time. she’d always been so used to picking up messes & taking care of other people, sometimes she thought she was the reason they kept screwing up. like her desperation to fix them was holding them back from ever actually taking care of themselves. it felt like she was asking for it, because taking care of people was what she did. & it felt good, until it didn’t.

craig had grown up though, the typical day to day issues aside, he'd changed. & when he looked after her that night, for the first time in a long time, she truly felt safe. that wasn't something ellie was used to. & so it ignited a sense of guilt & shame that she may be forcing somebody to be in a position to help her. but his presence didn’t say the same. when he looked at her, she felt certain that no amount of rambling or insecurity would push him to throw her out. & as much as her self preservation wanted to test those limits & get away before she got hurt ----- he was the one person she knew wouldn't push her away. & she wanted to stay.

past behind them & mistakes forgiven, she trusted craig. she always had, maybe at times trusting him more than she should have. but this felt different. there wasn't that instinctual gut feeling that something was off, or the nagging sense that everything was falling apart without her knowledge. this time she was the one struggling to stay afloat, & it was her world that seemed to be crashing down around them. & for once she was starting to feel secure enough to let somebody in, & accept their help to pick up the pieces.

his words reflected on that, as they lingered in the air between them. her lips pressed together as she inhaled through her nose, hoping to steady her breathing & stop the tears from flowing. " why is that so hard to believe ? " not wanting to to lie, or shut him down, ellie tried her best to find the words & let craig in on how she was really feeling. no matter how hard it was to do " why do i feel like nothing i do can ever be enough for anybody ? it’s like all i do is try, & either i fail, or nobody notices. " her eyes finally catch his glance & she tries to smile “ besides you. ” she offered, nodding her head to show she was listening & attempting to take the compliment.