#default_spills

Was talking to my friend after class (we have said history class together) AND HE WAS TELLING ME HOW HE WAS THINKING DURING THE CLASS ABOUT HOW I PASSED SO WELL. I wanted to cry it made me feel so fucking good after that disaster.

Like I swear there's user boxes for the most miscellaneous characters, which is great, but... I want one for mine :((...

I'm definitely totally a boy and there's nothing anyone can say about it. That's my face in the mirror and those things on my chest are gonna be gone in just a few more years. I just have to wait this out. I just have to get through this. I know they're too big to wear a binder comfortably and if I don't I don't look like a girl but ITS FINE. Because everyone knows I'm a boy. Everyone sees me as a boy. I see me as a boy. And my parents can't dictate that. I don't care if they're "sentimental" about not having a girl anymore. I'm a boy. I'm a mother fucking boy.

I wanna start T, but don't know how to tell my mom

So, my mom's completely supportive. As well as my dad. But just talking about it with my mom makes me uncomfortable in some ways, and I feel bad but it gives me dysphoria sometimes just looking at her. Aka, she's got a big chest which means that genetics say I'll have one and then I wanna throw up.

Anyway, I wanna bring up starting T, but I don't know how. She's put me into a gender care clinic system and we've done one online meeting and one irl meeting, but none past that. And they've both been with her in the room. The problem though, is that I've got way too much social anxiety to talk to an adult without her in the room with me, and I don't really feel like she'd wanna hear that I wanna start T? I know she'll support me, but her and my dad also say stuff like "oh we're just going to be sentimental and you have to be ok with that", and I just say I'm ok with it even though it makes me really uncomfortable every time they have that conversation so I just try to shut it down.

But I can't wear anything else, because I hate the way I look. Any time I wear anything else, I'm misgendered or feel huge waves of dysphoria from even just sitting down. And I get it too with the binder.

And I don't do voice training so I just look like a nonbinary fem person with short hair with a high ass voice. Which means everybody misgenders me.

And then I forget if I'm trying to make my voice sound lower so it goes high again and everything is ruined.

And when I'm in the bathroom, staring in the mirror, I get less dysphoria from taking off any tops and just HOLDING A FUCKING SHIRT OVER THEM.

I feel like throwing up. Oh my god. I'm going to continue, this anime is incredibly well made and a masterpiece but I just had to take a second because I understood everything that happened. Not even in like the "oh that's what happened" sort of way but the "oh... That... Me too..."