#deepread

A tribute

I missed you today. I don’t know why. It feels like its been ages since you last haunted the depths of my mind. I have long since put you behind me, focused only on moving myself forward as a better man. Your name no longer controls my soul; I am free. I don’t know why, but I missed you today.

I don’t know why, but I missed you a lot.

I missed the late nights we spent together; holding you in my arms. I missed scratching your back until you feel asleep. I missed the way your toes wiggle as you slept. I missed laying with our backs to the wall, talking about the meaningless and meaningful. I missed putting my head in your lap and laying there as you combed through my hair with your fingers. I missed the watching Netflix with you. I don’t even like watching Netflix, but it was with you. And for that I missed it. I missed the unshakable feeling in my gut that I used to get around you. It was a mixture of fear and confidence; a mixture of terror and tranquility. You were such a star around me, I felt that I could never be strong enough to pull you in. But at the same time, your presence made everything okay. I didn’t have to worry about anything, because you were there.God how I used to hate that feeling. I used to be so terrified to see you, because I knew how precious it was to find someone like you who is like me. I knew that I couldn’t keep you forever, and I didn't want to bother with someone that was going to fade away like the sun as it sets. But over time you proved me wrong, you stuck around longer than the average 3 week span of all my other previous flings. You proved you were more than that, more than just another fling. And I couldn’t even begin to explain to you why, but I missed that. Like to hell if I even know why, but I missed you today. I missed going out of my way to see you. I missed the fact that you were someone that I would do that for. I missed bringing you lunch, because I knew that you would like it. I missed bring you lunch, just so I could see you. I missed spending my 1 night a week off from work with you. Late me rephrase that; I missed giving up on the 1 night a week that I had to finally rest, just because I knew the joy that I would receive from just being around you would be more than enough to energize me for the next week. I missed calling out of work just to be with you. I missed waking up early in the morning with you wrapped in my arms, and realizing that there were more important things in my life right now than a dead end job serving old middle-class assholes.

I missed you today. I shouldn’t bother pondering why. I missed the work of art that you were. I missed seeing the person that was so perfectly imperfect, she was surreal. I miss your  eyes, your hair, your smile, your awkwardness your clumsiness, your innocence. As cheesy and basic as that all sounds, I miss all those things because they were yours. You owned them in a way that no one else could compete with. Your beauty wasn’t defined by your looks, but the way that you carried yourself, as if you didn't belong in the same room as anyone else. You reeked of someone who deserved their own spotlight, and maybe, you can understand why I missed you today.

I know I’m not supposed to miss you anymore. I know I am supposed to be over these nights of lingering love. I know that I’m not supposed to think of my past, and consciously move forward with my life. I know I’m supposed to moving on, the same way that you are. I know that I should be grateful for the good times that we had together, not envious of them. I know that I should just forget about these silly emotions and throw up a brick of wall of defense, so that way nothing may ever hurt me again. But I also know that all the nights I spent in a cross-faded haze trying to get you off my memory will never be enough to make me forget the feelings that you gave me to me.