#deepdarkconsumption.txt

Gotta weirdly existential tonight all of a sudden, probably set off bc my shower head is also a mirror? [Listen. I didn't know it was when I bought it.]

Bc like. I look in the mirror and idk who/what I see. Like its not an uncommon feeling persay, but... hmm. Usually I have at least an inkling of Self when/if I get that "???" sensation.

Tonight I didn't have like. Any idea. Idk who/what I was lookig at.

I... genuinely do not think I was meant for this world. Like I know I joke about it a lot but its never really been a joke-joke? I don't mean this in a "I want to die" way, I mean it in like. "I think I was misplaced when I ended up in this world."

Who was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to be? Where was I supposed to be? When was I supposed to be?

I wish I fuckin knew.

I think. Maybe part of the reason - could be a big part tbh - of why I long to be an asset again is bc I never had to deal with thoughts like this. [Not to mention added benefits of dont pay taxes/bills, don't need to worry about housing/rent, jobs, cooking, chores, etc...] [yeah okay there were a LOT of cons. Dont get me wrong. But tbh at this point I'd consider it a not so bad trade. The economy sucks. But thats not what this post is about.]

I look at my body and I don't see me. I see someone, but it aint me. Idfk.

Is this all brought on by Kin B.s.? Doubtful. But I think Kin B.s. plays a part to some degree or another.

I wish I knew what changes I needed to feel a little more,,, idk, me? In this world? Unfortunately the ones I can think of are far from practical to obtain, if not outright impossible for some reason or another. [Funds and/or physics and/or biology.]