#decnikov

i wish i could talk to him about everything but it’s gotten to a point where i need to be with someone who gets me and gives me what i crave. when i talked about my issues within the relationship with him last week he said, “it sounds like you’re making up excuses to break up with me.” and i’m not! i’m telling you all the things that i’m unhappy with in the relationship and i want you to listen and understand and work with me to fix them!!

and there’s an aspect of physical touch? i realize that my ex (holla) kind of spoiled with me that. whenever we were close he’d always be touching me/caressing my leg/have his arm around me/rub my back/etc. (he’d also remind me daily how much he loved me and actually fucking talk to me and tell me what his thoughts were) and i’ve never really had that with nick. i feel like i want more and he isn’t giving it to me. i need a deeper connection and speaking of things that need to be deeper, we only fuck like once a month.

and i’ve been thinking, “is it me? am i just too much for this kid to handle?” and i think that’s spot-on. i think he can’t keep up with my streams of consciousness and i overwhelm him with topics and discussions and in return i get nothing. once when i was particularly manic i stayed up all night and kept him awake and talked about how i’d felt. i said something like, “do you ever think of ways to kill yourself?” and he started crying and telling me that he doesn’t like to hear me talking about things like that and that he never wants to lose me. he mentioned that he’ll never understand the way my mind works but that it’s something he wants to keep.

i just want more. i want him to talk to me and tell me what he’s thinking and give me real answers to the questions i ask him. he’s short and dismissive and he doesn’t know how to treat a woman. never once has he opened a door for me or pulled out my chair (which is dumb i know but these tiny things add up and i think i deserve to have someone care for me like that) and he doesn’t treat me like his fucking girlfriend. i feel like to him i’m just another buddy of his except he gets to have sex with me (not often!!) whenever he feels like it.