decnikov said: Sweetheart me and you are going to have a chat when I get home from Zaraās. Prep yourself for emotion, revelation, and the sound of me stirring a lot of tea. S'all about you tonight okay? Iām gonna help you through this shit. You get no way in this.
what time will you be getting back from Zaraās (my time) because iām gonna be up all night and then i have school (another thing i need to rant about to you) so i wonāt be home until noon my time and iāll be tired tired tired. iād love this though. love love love.
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iāve been thinking of telling him that we should take a break so i have time to kind of think about it for a bit because lately i havenāt really been feeling it, yāknow?
itās been 3 years and i feel like thereās a disconnect. i feel like he doesnāt really get me, and he doesnāt know how to handle me when iām depressive/manic. he tries to understand, he really does. but when i explain to him how iām feeling he kind of brushes it off or ignores it or tells me what i want to hear.Ā āitās okay the weather is getting nicer youāll feel better then,ā is not a valid thing to say to someone like me.
i wish i could talk to him about everything but itās gotten to a point where i need to be with someone who gets me and gives me what i crave. when i talked about my issues within the relationship with him last week he said,Ā āit sounds like youāre making up excuses to break up with me.ā and iām not! iām telling you all the things that iām unhappy with in the relationship and i want you to listen and understand and work with me to fix them!!
and thereās an aspect of physical touch? i realize that my ex (holla) kind of spoiled with me that. whenever we were close heād always be touching me/caressing my leg/have his arm around me/rub my back/etc. (heād also remind me daily how much he loved me and actually fucking talk to me and tell me what his thoughts were) and iāve never really had that with nick. i feel like i want more and he isnāt giving it to me. i need a deeper connection and speaking of things that need to be deeper, we only fuck like once a month.
and iāve been thinking,Ā āis it me? am i just too much for this kid to handle?ā and i think thatās spot-on. i think he canāt keep up with my streams of consciousness and i overwhelm him with topics and discussions and in return i get nothing. once when i was particularly manic i stayed up all night and kept him awake and talked about how iād felt. i said something like, ādo you ever think of ways to kill yourself?ā and he started crying and telling me that he doesnāt like to hear me talking about things like that and that he never wants to lose me. he mentioned that heāll never understand the way my mind works but that itās something he wants to keep.
i just want more. i want him to talk to me and tell me what heās thinking and give me real answers to the questions i ask him. heās short and dismissive and he doesnāt know how to treat a woman. never once has he opened a door for me or pulled out my chair (which is dumb i know but these tiny things add up and i think i deserve to have someone care for me like that) and he doesnāt treat me like his fucking girlfriend. i feel like to him iām just another buddy of his except he gets to have sex with me (not often!!) whenever he feels like it.
i donāt know. i love him to bits but i feel like this isnāt working anymore.
decnikov replied to your post: decnikov replied to your photo āDunkin...
fuckin r00d I was gonna say I miss you on destiny and stuff but nah fuck you go play with your fucking⦠whatever it is you do.
"YEAH WELL I DIDN'T WANNA PLAY WITH YOU ANYWAY"
also I was gunna maybe go on destiny later but apprentice first and then it's gunna be a toss up between destiny and sleep so. now is the time to decide how much you'd like me to choose destiny and to act accordingly.
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