#deathbystyles

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Frequently, when I read fan fiction, I find it very easy to separate those who are writing and those who are creating. There are certain writers who just capture actions and emotions and events and write very little under the surface. And then there are writers who spend time breaking apart their characters for the audience... the writers who show you more and more about the character you are investing in as they go along. Maybe things aren't stated explicitly, maybe most of what you learn about a character is just how they interact, but it's terribly easy to go through the motions of writing and have a story that's simply that- a story. What is not so easy is creating a story with a world behind it. A past, a present, a future, what ifs, has beens, and all of that ilk. Most fan fiction I read blends together and I read it because it is easy to read and passes the time and gives me insight into what to do and what not to do when writing. This is all a long winded way to say that Bee of death-by-styles is one of those writers who created a world, and boy, is it a ride to jump in. 

The first time I read Hide, I got really tired of Avery. At times, I absolutely could not stand her. That might have been because I saw how much she deserved and how she saw so little, and that really frustrated me. When I started reading Hide, I was a very different person. I can tell that now that I am rereading it. Now, when I see Avery's problems and her issues, I feel sympathetic toward her, not as annoyed. I feel sad that she can't see the love she deserves because too many people have taken all the love she gives and not returned it. And before, I saw her as weak, but now, as I am rereading, all I can see is strength. Strength in how every day, Avery gives the same amount of love (if not more) although she's had shit returned outside of Carol, Brianne, and Harry. Strength in how she talked to people only putting their interests first. Strength in how she battled with herself every single day and still managed success in all her endeavors. 

To be honest, rereading Hide, I see so much of Avery in myself. When I first read Hide, I'd cry whenever she fought herself because I was agitated that she was so insistent on not seeing her worth... or so I thought. Reading it now, I see that I wasn't crying for that reason, I was crying because I knew how it felt to pick fights and argue for the sake of wanting someone to hate me the way I hated myself and hoping they forgave me to reassure that maybe I wasn't so deserving of hatred. Hoping that maybe one day I'd realize why. Avery second-guessing everything she does is not weakness or flightiness. It's perfectionism. It's having high expectations but not realizing how to achieve them. It's praying that you don't fuck up enough to lose everything you've felt like you've worked so hard to earn. She's so intelligent and observant and you can't help but feel miserable for her when she starts talking about herself the way she does. Reminiscing on what she used to be and saying one day she'll get it back. 

When I started my journal this past year, my first entry, which was exceedingly dark and... not happy ended with this little blurb: "I used to be beautiful and desirable, and I will be again. I have to be. It's all I can think about." I was obsessed with the idea of improvement without realizing how to get it. As I read Hide and Bee effectively personified the negative voices inside Avery's head, I started to hear the same voices I'd been hearing for years... and I was able to put a face to them. The beautiful, fat, lazy version of myself who only whispered why I should have the cake because there's no point in trying to lose weight, why I should skip the makeup because there's no point in trying to be beautiful when I couldn't see it in myself. I was able to identify this problem child of my mind and finally able to confront her, just as Avery did when she and Harry broke up. I grew with Avery, because of Avery. 

Rereading this wonderful work, I realized that I deserve what Bee wrote for Avery. Even if Harry Styles is not in anyway how she wrote him, I can at least accept that Bee wrote a match for Avery that is kind, generous, loving, and passionate, and Avery, despite all her demons, deserved every ounce of him. And that made me realize that maybe I do too. That every girl who has ever felt like Avery deserves someone like the man that Bee wrote. Avery should be an inspiration, and I will be the first to admit that she is mine. I've changed so much about my life- how I dress, how I interact, how I eat, how I exercise. I've changed almost everything. Except how I love, because I hope to always feel like Avery in the way that I love. 

Bee, you really should be so proud of the world you created, the girl you portrayed. She's incredible. She should be published, even if maybe Hide isn't what you want to give to Scholastic or Penguin (ha ha). Thank you for how deep and wonderful that character is. Thank you for having such an impact on my life. You really are wonderful.