#death 0

Much like last year, this post is not made with the intent to make people sad - quite the opposite. My mother was the type of person who was friends with everyone and cared about their problems. I’d like to continue that legacy in some way, either through sharing smiles via comics or helping to heal by sharing stories of those now gone.

Obviously, my mother’s death still impacts me to this day, but I do not believe in a negative way. I have come to terms with it quite some time ago, and I am at peace with it. Something I’d like to mention is that there are actually quite a few missed opportunities or loose threads with my mother’s passing. She never got to see me graduate university. She never got to see her first grandchild. She never got to finish the fairy garden that she had been planning for the backyard. She did indeed miss out on many things.

It may seem strange to mention these things, especially as I mentioned this is not supposed to be a sad post, so why would I do that? I mention these things because I actually find joy in them. Yes, she may not have had the chance to do these things, but it just goes to show that she had plenty of opportunities left in her life. She still had plans, she still had things to look forward to, she still was living just like any other person - excited for what was coming next. She may not have had the chance to live out these plans, but in some way it makes me happy that she had so many things to look forward to when she passed. That she...truly lived right up until that last moment. I’m not sure I can perfectly word why, but it makes me happy and I thought that might make other people happy too :)

Something that is still perhaps the biggest “obstacle” is encountering situations where I would need to bring up her passing for context. Again, I am at peace with it, but that never changes the situations where people around you don’t know and perhaps make an “insensitive” remark that you need to correct. Then your worry is not that you’re sad but that you’re going to inevitably make things awkward by explaining.

A funny anecdote related to the above was actually around the first week after her passing. Someone phoned home and asked to speak with my mother. Now, rather than relapsing into my sadness about her passing, I actually was much more worried for the sake of this poor person on the phone who is going to no doubt think “oh my gosh I just reopened a fresh wound oh my god” and sure enough when I said what happened I could feel the tone in their voice. That interaction always stands out to me because gosh, this poor stranger now probably feels awful over something they couldn’t have possibly known.

Also related to the above however is something very important: although worrying about others is all fine and good and can occasionally help you sort out your own feelings too, there is NOTHING wrong in focusing on your own grief first. In fact, I believe it is CRUCIAL to do that first, especially if you’re looking to help someone else also suffering. Your advice and comfort comes through the filter that is you, and if you’re struggling yourself that filter is going to be “dirty” so to speak. Sometimes to be the best help to others you must first help yourself, be kind to yourself :)

I think the toughest thing with writing this is that I’ve looked at the post I wrote last year and...not much has changed. A lot of what I was wanting to say for this post is what I had said last year. Now, I don’t think that it’s a bad thing actually - in fact, it might be nice to have a reminder of those things.