#dearmike

[Presenting our weekly edition of Dear Mike where mike_m235 our resident psychologist answers your mail about life, liberty and football]

It’s Jets’ week for us Pats’ fans.  You might think I would take this opportunity to take cheap shots at the Jets.  You’d be right.  I mean…uh, I’m going to answer questions from my very real email submissions from my readers.  I was going to do a Matt Schaub joke this week, but he went and got hurt, and unlike the City of Houston, I have a little bit of class.  Okay, I’m lying, I really don’t.  But I’m not going to make fun of an injured player.  If only there was another quarterback who was tossing picks like Rex Ryan tosses back donuts.  Oh, hi Eli! 

Anyway, on to your questions.

  Dear Mike I’m going to be in NY this Sunday and I’ve got tickets to see the Pats and Jets.  Any advice for a Pats fan going into enemy territory? 

Saul in Saugus

Dear Saul, Bring a lot of disinfectant hand sanitizer.  Maybe take some anti-fungal pills before you go.  Try not to touch anything.  Seriously, you’re going to want to try to blend in without going full Jet.  You never want to go full Jet.  Try to speak the language.  Grunt a lot, and don’t use any words with more than two syllables.  If you get into trouble, as a last resort, say something stupid to throw them off your trail.  Try saying “Spygate, huh huh.”  It’s like having a disease in World War Z, where the zombies ignore you.  You know, if the zombies were a little fatter and a little less intelligent. 

  Dear Mike I was watching this documentary about a guy who had two wives.  It looks like a pretty good deal.  Two women to take care of my every need.  What am I missing here?

Bill in Boston

Dear Bill, You’re not married, are you?  Clearly your idea of what marriage entails is a little skewed.  My wife has been known to read my stuff, so I won’t go into too much detail because of her recent retainer of an attorney due to something else I wrote.  But you might want to do some research.  Let’s just objectively examine the idea of multiple wives.  You think with two wives, you’re going to get twice as much sex as with one wife.  But that’s where you’re mistaken.   In reality, you’re going to get half as much sex.  With two wives, you’ve got twice as much chance of pissing one of them off.  As soon as you do, she’s going to turn the other one against you, and neither of them is going to sleep with you.  Instead, they’ll probably go shopping and spend twice as much money.  And they’ll probably want twice as many cats. 

  Dear Mike, Aqib Talib is one of the best CBs in the NFL and has added a new element to the Belichick defense that we haven’t seen for a number of years.  If he’s healthy enough to play, how do you see the Pats employing him against the Jets?

John in Framingham

Dear John, A real football question.  I think maybe you got the wrong submit button when you sent in your email.  Maybe you meant to get Scratch or Kilgore.  But hey, you’re with me now, so let me lay some analysis on you.   The Pats have used Talib to neutralize the opposing team’s main weapon, sometimes having him shadow a specific threat no matter where he lines up.  Notably, he locked up on AJ Green and more recently Jimmy Graham, shutting both of them down.                 So it stands to reason that if he’s healthy, the Pats will likely employ Talib against the Jets number one offensive weapon, meaning he’ll lock up on…uh…hold on…yeah, I got nothing.  The only thing I can think of about the Jets that’s offensive is their fans.  And their coach.  And if Talib is going to cover Rex Ryan, he’s going to need a bigger tarp.

  Dear Mike, I know you answer questions about football and relationships, but I’ve got a question about the government shutdown and the debt ceiling.  I’m hoping you can explain what’s going on.

Fred in Sommerset Dear Fred, I’ll keep it simple in case there are any Jets fans reading.  Our country is governed by a bunch of asswaffles. 

  Dear Mike, You’re mean.  I’m a Jets fan, and you do nothing but make fun of us.  It’s hard enough rooting for these guys without jerks like you piling on.

Jerry in Jersey

Dear Jerry, I’m sorry.  I know it’s got to be tough rooting for a perennial loser.  Look on the bright side…in 6 weeks your season will be over and you’ll be out of your misery.  Until next year.

  Dear Mike,

 I’m a 23 year-old woman living with my fiance. Last week, after the Bengals game I tried everything (and I mean everything) to try and cheer up my fiance, but he was depressed for 2 days afterwards. What should I do next time this happens?

No name given Dear No Name,

Right now people are expecting me to say something dirty, but I’m going to give you some straight advice instead, because we all appreciate your effort.  He’s manipulating you for sex.  I know, it seems completely ridiculous that a young man would use trickery just to get you to do exotic things for him, but really, it happens.  So tell him to shut up and put on his big girl pants.  48 hours of ridiculously inventive and energetic sex is all he gets after a Patriots loss.  And you know, maybe you take a gymnastics class before the Pats play the Broncos, just in case. 

  Dear Mike,

We often hear that players get “disgruntled” and are then traded. What is a “gruntle,” and how is it lost?

ESL Student California

Dear ESL,

I’m not sure what a gruntle is, but if it’s lost, I assume it has something to do with the Jets.

[This is next in series of our weekly column "Dear Mike" where our resident pscho err psychologist  mike_m235 will answers questions from all and sundry about Football]

Some people have told me they think the questions in my column aren’t real.  Hey, they’re as real as the chances of the Broncos winning a playoff game.  Okay, that was mean.  Teams that have a league leading offense and a suspect defense always make the Superbowl.  Just look at the 2012 Patriots.  What, too close to home? 

On to your questions!

Dear Mike,

I’ve been reading your column.  You appear to have neither sports nor counseling credentials.  What qualifies you to write this every week?

Bill in Chelmsford

Dear Bill,

I’m an American and I’ve got access to the internet.  That makes me an expert.  Plus I’ve got this official looking column.  Just for fun, I checked with ESPN and that’s all they require of their ‘experts’ as well.  Apparently that’s the industry standard.

  Dear Mike,

I don’t want to get too far ahead of things, but I’ve been playing pretty well.  On top of that, my name makes Americans nervous because it sounds vaguely Arabic.  Since you are an acknowledged expert in the field, I’m leaving it in your hands.  I need a nickname. 

Aqib Talib

Dear Aqib

Big fan of your work this year.  Please keep it up.  At this point, if something were to happen to you, I think our site would melt down.  Honestly, I couldn’t handle that without alcohol.  But you’ve come to the right place – I can give you a nickname.  I don’t think you’re going to like it, but I’ve got to go with the truth, even when it hurts.  Your new nickname is Aqib ‘Franchise Tagged in 2014’ Talib.  We’ll go with FT14 for short.

  Dear Mike I wrote to you last week and you told me not to get sucked in, and that was good advice.  But now the Browns have won three in a row and are over .500 at the latest point of the season that anyone can remember.  Really.  Try to remember.  You can’t, can you?  I don’t even know what I’m feeling.  I’ll try to describe it…you know that moment when you’re making love to a woman and she looks up and says, “Who are you?  And what are you doing in the automotive section of Wal Mart?”  It’s like that. 

Jeff in Cleveland

Dear Jeff, That’s really disturbing.    Wait…you’re in Cleveland…is this Greenie?  To answer your concerns about how you feel with a winning record, don’t worry.  Brandon Weeden is back.  You’ll be back to losing in no time.

  Dear Mike,

During the offseason you said that I was overrated.  You said I sucked.  At one point you called me Mark Sanchez with better PR.  You said the Colts would finish 8-8.  Now I’m 4-1 and leading the division.  I’ve thrown 7 TDs and only 2 picks, and I’ve got a passer rating of 94.1, good for 10th best in the league.  This week, we beat the Seahawks.  Are you ready to admit that you were wrong about me?

Andrew Luck

Dear Andrew, Clearly you haven’t paid much attention to me.  Admit I’m wrong?  Please.  They’ll be inducting you into Cooperstown before I admit I’m wrong, and even then you’re likely to hear the words ‘over’ and ‘rated’.  And 10th…that’s great.  I mean, Romo, Locker, and Pryor are ahead of you, but those are some quality QBs.  Sorry, I don’t mean to be a hater.  But admit it – you’re purposely not throwing to Reggie Wayne because he’s on my fantasy team, aren’t you?  Here’s my advice to you.  You seem tense.  You need a woman.  Since you’re an NFL quarterback, we have a certain standard of girl we expect.  You’re probably going to have to leave Indiana.  You’ve got a road trip to San Diego this week.  Maybe try there. 

  Dear Mike,

I’ve met this great girl.  She doesn’t hassle me when I’m watching football, and she even politely listens to me complain when the Pats don’t play well.  She makes the greatest snacks, is great in bed, and isn’t looking for a commitment.  Is it possible?  Have I found the one?  It’s only been 2 months, but I’m feeling good about this.

Jim in Manchester

Dear Jim,

There are two kinds of women in the world.  Crazy women, and women you don’t know very well yet.

Dear Mike,

Am I the only one excited about the Chiefs?  5-0, baby!

Brad in KC

Dear Brad,

All of Kansas City is excited about Andy Reid.  And not just the owners of barbecue joints.  Seriously, if someone told me in the offseason that people would say “I’m glad we got Andy Reid and Alex Smith,” I’d have thought he was nuts.  Even now, I keep looking around for Alan Funt (That’s a reference for old people.  He was the Ashton Kutcher of his day.  I’m sure he’s really excited for people to refer to him that way.  Or, he would be if he wasn’t dead.  It’s not sad, though.  He died in 1999 at the age of 85.  What was I talking about again?)

[continuing our weekly edition of Dear Mike in which Psychologist extraordinaire Mike_m235 (bottle in hand) answers questions from various people about matters concerning life and football] 

Our country is facing a crisis.  We’re out of pickles.  Sure, you probably read the newspapers and they’re going on and on about some other crisis of the day, but I think that’s only because the real crisis – the pickle crisis – is too painful to write about.  As Americans, we tend to focus on the present and forget the past.  Clearly, in this case, people have forgotten the great pickle riots of 1959.

                At this point you may be wondering what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about our mess hall being out of pickles for the last two weeks.  I go to make myself a sandwich, and I’m forced to go pickleless.  That’s inhuman.  A sandwich without pickles is like a football team without a quarterback, and you can’t win football games without a quarterback (cut to picture of Adrian Peterson, nodding sadly.)  Author’s note: And you wondered how I was going to bring this back to football.

                Anyway, I’m in a deep pickle depression.  Sunday is sandwich day, and it’s one of the things I look forward to every week.  This week I’ll just have to look forward to the Pats going 5-0 and the Jets losing and sliding under .500 for the rest of the season.  Now, on to your relationship and football questions.  Just know that my pickle-free heart isn’t in it.  I blame the government shutdown. 

  Dear Mike, I drafted Eli Manning in the 7th round of my fantasy draft.  At the time, I thought that was a little early, but all the QBs were going off the board and I wanted to make sure I got someone decent.  Now he’s killing my team.  I’m 1-3 and I’m a 21 point underdog for week 5.  Should I just cut my losses and dump him?  There are no good options on the waiver wire, but maybe I could swing a trade.

Sad in Saugus

Dear Sad, It could be worse.  You could be a Giants fan, and Eli could be murdering your real team instead of your fantasy team.  But if you’re looking for a trade, I’d be willing to give you a used Dunkin Donuts K-Cup for Eli.  Unless you throw in some pickles – then I could maybe slide you Brian Hoyer. 

  Dear Mike, My girlfriend just told me that we need to talk about where we are in our relationship.  I’m scared.  What should I do?

Chris in Cambridge

Dear Chris, I’m not going to lie.  You’re screwed.  I recommend you address this delicate relationship issue using guidance from the smartest man we know…Bill Belichick (For all you Giants’ fan trolls, no, I don’t mean ‘film it.’)  You need to approach the talk the way Bill Belichick approaches a press conference.  Memorize the following lines: “It is what it is.”  “We’re taking things day by day.”  “There are some things that are good, some things we’d probably like to be a bit better.” 

                I also recommend having your things packed before you take this advice.  It’s a lot less likely that she’ll set your stuff on fire on the front lawn if it’s already in suitcases.

  Dear Mike, Is this for real?  Since trading Trent Richardson we’re 2-0 and tied for the division lead.  We’ve got a winnable game at home against Buffalo on Thursday night, and with Baltimore and Cincinnati having tough games this week, there’s a very real possibility that the Cleveland Browns could be in sole possession of first place in the AFC North at the conclusion of week 5.  I don’t really know how to act.  I keep looking for a camera crew to jump out and let me know I’ve been Punked.

Jeff in Cleveland

Dear Jeff, First off, know that all of New England fans are rooting for you.  Mostly we’re rooting for you because we find it funny that a QB that we discarded has as many wins as the Jets, but let’s not overlook the other reasons – namely, we really hate the Purple Jets (For the uninitiated, I’m referring to the Ravens.)  You may notice that I’m focusing on the positive here.  You may also notice that the positive is more about Pats’ fans than you.  Sorry – that’s all I’ve got.  Because for your part, even if the Browns defy all odds and win the division, you’re still living in Cleveland.  Hold on, I’ll come up with something positive, I swear.  Okay, here you go.  The good news is that you have really low expectations, which makes it a little less likely that you’ll be disappointed.  But in the end, you probably still will be.  It’s Cleveland.

  Dear Mike, I’m a 20 year old girl and I just started dating a 20 year old guy.  We’re both Patriots fans, but that’s not what I want to ask about.  How do I put this?  We’ve been taking things slow, but now I think we’re ready to take the next step in our relationship.  This is embarrassing, but how do I get my boyfriend excited about getting physical?

Darlene in Dartmouth

Dear Darlene, Easy.  Show up. 

  Dear Mike, The Broncos are scoring at a record pace and treating the rest of the league like a Madden game on easy setting.  I know that we overreacted to Tebow, and that we overreacted to running roughshod over an easy schedule last year only to be disappointed in the playoffs, but this time it’s different, right?  Is there anything that would suggest the Broncos aren’t headed to the Superbowl? 

Excited in Denver

Dear Excited, I was going to suggest that you get yourself a time machine and go back to 2004, then call a Colts fan after the season to see how that one turned out.  But that would just be mean, and Denver fans are much too nice for that kind of treatment.  Stupid, but nice.  It’s sort of like when Lucy pulls the football out from in front of Charlie Brown.  He always thinks that this is the time when it’s different.  But it isn’t.  Since Peyton Manning will win as many cold weather playoff games this year as Geno Smith, I’ll leave you with a witty pop culture reference that sums up your chances.  It’s from Game of Thrones.  “Winter is Coming.” 

  Dear Mike, Someone brought this up last week, but I think it’s worth repeating.  I don’t think your letters are real.  They seem to contrived, and convenient for you to make fun of hapless football teams.  What kind of nonsense are you trying to pull?

Doubtful in Danville

Dear Doubtful, You seem to be a conspiracy theorist.  You probably also think the NSA is monitoring your email.  You probably think the Patriots injury report is less than 100% true.  When you doubt the most obvious truths, people aren’t going to take you seriously.  I mean, if what you are saying is true, why haven’t I made a single joke about Rex Ryan and feet?  Or a buttfumble?  Or the fact that the Jets are paying more against the cap for Mark Sanchez than the Patriots are for Tom Brady?  What, you think I couldn’t find a way to work those into a clever question, so I’d resort to just listing them out in response to a fake email?

  Dear Husband, I saw that last week you made jokes about me getting my hair cut.  I think you even insinuated that you were seeking a divorce.  Listen up, asswaffle.  You’re lucky to have me.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to drive all the way across town to get your Dunkin K-Cups this month.  Instead, I sent you K-Cups from Bill’s Coffee and Oil Change.  Bill doesn’t really make very good coffee, but he likes my hair.  I also gave him $350 to rotate the tires on your car.  That’s about right, isn’t it?  Go ahead.  Make another joke.  I dare you.

Dear Mrs. M.

Uh…I love you Dear…

[Starting this Thursday we will have a weekly series “Dear Mike” in which Mike_m253 answers your football, relationship, and life questions.

 Mike is a renowned psychologist especially when he has drowned ample amount of Liquor.  NFL figures from far and wide, some wide some very wide seek his expertise and his advice as they seek to navigate the pitfalls of their seasons.  But we decided to have Mike’s advice available to the ordinariest of the ordinary like you.

If you have any questions for Mike, please submit using the submit link above. Use “Dear Mike” in the subject line. Please keep your questions limited to football unless you are Mrs. Mike or have an ability to withhold certain services from Mike, in which case you can ask what you want].

  Dear Mike,

Is it possible that the Browns are now better after trading away Trent Richardson and starting Hoyer at QB?

Hopeful in Cleveland

Dear Hopeful,

No.  It’s not possible.  Regardless of what you think of Richardson, he’s not worse than Willis McGahee.  And while Brian Hoyer might be an upgrade from the previous corpse Cleveland was starting at QB, that’s a remarkably low bar.  Kind of like saying I’d rather eat lint instead of eating paint.  Remember that this year, Hoyer’s former role on the Patriots was assumed first by Tim Tebow, then by an empty chair.

 What you saw this week with Cleveland had very little to do with the Browns and more to do with the fact that the Vikings are about two more losses away from Adrian Peterson ripping off Christian Ponder’s arm and beating him to death with it on the sideline.  Your team is trying to tank in order to restock in the draft next year.  A lot of people are predicting a drop off in performance from Indianapolis, which could lead to you getting a good pick from the trade.

Here’s the bad news.  You’re from Cleveland.  Your team will even fail at tanking, thus taking themselves out of the running for a truly valuable pick in the draft.  Somehow you’ll muddle your way to five or six wins, dooming yourself to taking another lineman who everyone will swear is good, but who won’t affect the overall performance of the team in any measurable way.  At the same time, Indy will confound the critics, go 11-5, and make it to the AFC Championship game, probably due to an easy win against Denver in the first round where Peyton Manning chokes on his own hype one more time.  You’re from Cleveland; you know I’m probably right.  This doesn’t end well for you.

Here’s the good news.  The people of Indianapolis are really happy that you reverse jinxed them with your ineptitude. 

  Dear Mike, I’m a 20 year old woman and I’m new to town.  I’m a big Pats’ fan and I’m looking for a bar where I can watch the out of market games.  Any advice? 

-- Brenda in Pittsburgh

Dear Brenda, I’ve got the best advice anyone is going to ever give you.  Avoid bars where Ben Roethlesburger hangs out.

  Dear Mike,

One of our starting receivers broke his arm in a pizza related car accident.  Is this proof that the universe is against the Detroit Lions?

Morose in Motown

Dear Morose,

If the Matt Millen era didn’t already prove that to you beyond a shadow of a doubt, you’re a bit slow.  Not quite as slow at the Lions offense without an injured Reggie Bush, but still pretty slow.

  Dear Mike, I’ve been flirting with this guy for about 3 months, but he can’t seem to get the hint that I’m into him.  He’s invited me to a party this weekend to watch the Ravens play.  How can I get him to notice me?

--  Sarah in Baltimore

Dear Sarah, I’ve seen this before with Baltimore fans.  If you want him to understand, you’re going to have to talk slower.  And use really small words.  Maybe draw a picture.

  Dear Mike I’ve just started reading your mailbag, and I get the feeling you’re just making the questions up.  For one thing, you have two questions from women, and there are only two women who frequent this website.  Secondly, the questions just seem like setups so you can take shots at other teams.

-- Justin

Dear Justin, I suppose that’s one explanation.  But there’s a thing called a statistical anomaly.  That’s where something is very unlikely to happen, and would seem to go against logic, but happens anyway, no matter how unlikely it might seem.  Like the year that Peyton Manning didn’t choke in the playoffs and won a Superbowl.

  Dear Mike,

I’m feeling pretty good about this season.   We’re only 2-1, but the Redskins and Giants look like they may not win a game except for when they play each other, and Philadelphia took an entire week before the shine came off the new car revealing something that resembles a sofa that Andy Reid sat on for a month while eating chili.  And I have to say, at this point, I’m…I mean, uh, our quarterback, is playing pretty well.  Is this the year we win the NFC East?  Could we even win a playoff game? Tony R., Dallas

Dear Tony,

At this point, you’ve developed such creative ways of crashing and burning at the end of a season that if you were 8-2 with 6 games to play and the next best team in the division was 3-7, your fan base would still expect you to find a way to lose it in week 17.  In the House that Jerry built, I’m told that the hotdogs actually taste like despair.  Is this the year that the other three teams are so bad that you can’t screw it up?  Odds are against it.  But in the five percent chance that you do make the playoffs, it will probably be as a four seed, which will bestow on you the honor of being crushed at home in the first week of the playoffs by a pissed off Green Bay or San Francisco team.  Best of luck!

  Dear Mike,

People don’t seem to like me.  I do my best for the NFL, but I get mocked by the players, media, and fans alike.  If my fines are too small, people call me ineffective.  If they’re too big, then I’m too aggressive.  What am I doing wrong? 

Roger G., NFL Headquarters

Dear Rog,

I don’t think you’re a bad guy.  You just need better PR.  Two words for you: Reality TV.  Look what it did for Trump.  He’s at least as big a douchebag as you are.  You’re going to need a catchphrase.  How about “Welcome to Fine Time, B$%&*.”  No?  Okay, we’ll work on it.  But if you use that, I want a cut of the T Shirt sales.  The angry advice columnist gig doesn’t pay as much as you think it would. 

  Dear Mike,

I cut 13 inches off my hair in time for you to come home on leave.  I sent you a picture – hope you like it!

Mrs. M

Dear Former Mrs. M,

My attorney has instructed me that it’s in my best interest not to communicate with you until after the paperwork is final.