#dearlily

longing for a home, a place, or a feeling that no longer exists or never existed.

Dear Lily,

I am in tears, writing to you the sorrowful news about our house now buried in ashes. Last February 17, our home was claimed by fire. We lived there for almost 20 years of our lives- that has been our safe haven from kidnappers, city bombers, serial killers and rapists. The memories of our yesterday are just blurry images I try to recall. The sweetness of life of my youth is now in sepia hues. I can't help but reminisce the feelings of the past. The warmth of home I once hated is now in vain. I hate to see how I've suffered this past 5 years this tragedy is adding fuel to my fire but also the reason why I kept doubting myself. I don't know how many tragedies are waiting for me O, Lord. I do not wish to be one of your strongest soldiers. I wish to enjoy the life of a rich and successful girl. Why can't I keep my family along with that? My tears are suck up by rationality. I am tired. Why God? I always try to avoid questioning your reasons but why do i have to suffer this way? Why don't you favor me and usher me with blessings?

Lily, I am most sad for my mother. If there's another life, I really wish she did not meet my father. She's too precious for a man who do not appreciate her. Too bad she was betrayed by him and also my brother. Life was completely different from before; we are now broken. Our home is now in ashes. Wounds became scars, empty canvas is now tainted by complexity of life. My story is just another speck of dust within this galaxy.

Dear Lily,

I met someone. We just had one conversation and suddenly, we clicked. I was scared because i felt like everything was so fast but secured at the same time. If you asked me what did I first notice at him, it's his laugh. It was like a blanket in a cold summer day. For the first time, i heard a real heartily laugh coming from a man i just met. For context, I went on a hiking trip all by myself; my purpose, for experience and self satisfaction. Did God orchestrate this meeting? We were not suppose to be at that moment. I was suppose to join another tour services but idk why I settled at his tours. Then, he's also not supposed to be there; unfortunately his coordinator for whatever reason, can't join, so he did the touring. At first, I was giddy because I idk why I feel like comfortable with him. I was on the last group but i chose speed up then he was waiting half way. Then that's where it all started. We chat throughout the day 😆

is it wrong to fall too fast? this pic btw is our first date night, the day after our hike 😆

Met: March 08, 2025

maturing is realizing that "to be loved is to be accepted and considered" is better than "to be loved is to be known"

from "mahilig yan sa sweets" to "lage akong may baong chocolate in case maghanap siya"

from "hilig nyan maanghang eh" to "dito tayo kasi maraming option spices nila"

"di ba favorite mo yan?" to "di ko gets pero binili ko pa rin kasi favorite mo to"

"mabagal yan kumain" to "okay lang kasi marami kaming napag-uusapan"

"tagal nyang maglakad" to "kaya ko naman siyang sabayan at di naman ako nagmamadali"

MLAT 2024

It’s my first time pumunta sa psychiatrist, quite overwhelming kasi idk how to open up kay doc. It was so bad that I really need some wake up call. Di na kaya ng advice sa friends, quotes sa tiktok and anything. This break up shattered my entire identity.

but here are some key points from dra that i don’t want to forget:

• There’s no medicine for moving on; it is only you who can do it. • Self respect should be bigger than love.

• Gamitin ang utak kaya nasa taas ang utak kasi dapat lagi siyang inuuna

•Maawa sa sarili. Set boundaries for yourself. Put an end to everything that’s weighing you down.

•It’s okay to cry but constant crying won’t change anything.

•Best revenge is to be better; better than yesterday, better than them and better than you can imagine. Magpaganda and magpayaman

•Men have narcissistic side where they thrive when they knew they hurt you. Yung ego nila lumalaki knowing that nasasaktan ka at humahabol sa kanila.

•Lastly, you are still young and healthy. Pour your energy on something you love and can earn from not on those who left.

I know naman all of this pero maybe i just really need to hear this from someone. Hope you can learn from it also guys!

I know you never met him but he knows about you. He even think your story was quite interesting. We talked about you but everything's gone and long forgotten but to be honest, I thought I was doing fine. Not until recently. It's been weeks to months since we last spoke and right now, It's all back again. Whenever the memories keep flashing right back, it makes me feel sad or whenever I see things, and places that reminds me of him, I feel lonely. I guess we could say that I miss him. I know it wasn't right in the first place and that It never should have started either. It was my fault to have all these feelings ahead of me and that I should've known that it was just a summer fling. That is why I ended up where I am right now. There are times where I used to say that I wished I never should've met him and at the same time I wished he would've fought for me. Guess it wasn't as real as I thought it was. Everything he said about our rare connection was all just a lie and i'm stupid enough to believe it. Its just that i've never met anyone like him. I thought we were in sync. My soulmate. It was all in my head after all. I made a fool of myself for thinking that I had a chance of being chosen. I used to tell hin that I'm never regretting anything. I'm sorry Lily I know this is not how you would've done it if you were in my place, but if he'd come back to me right now, I'd probably here with arms wide open. I love him Lily and I know things like these only have happy endings in movies and not in reality. I just hope to heal soon. If I have to move on, I hope the universe help me and show me who I should really be with.

yours truly,

Dear Lily, 

Hi! It’s nice to meet you. I’m gonna be apologizing beforehand if you think that i’m gonna be using you as my punching bag for my miserable life in the next few years of my existence in this earth. I’ve only known you for quite some time and I think you are an incredible person (if only you were not a fictional character from a book). Going through such a rough patch throughout your younger years and to handle all those trauma might be quite a heavy burden but I admire you and I want to be as strong as you. I want to be able to go through life even with the burden of traumas and obstacles with so much resiliency as you did. 

You had those days were you almost hated your mother for her decision making in terms of her relationship with your father. I bet it’s hard to just watch them and their toxic relationship and having no choice but to grow up along with it. I know it’s not right but I think I feel the same way about her right now. Except it’s not watching her have a toxic relationship with my father but hearing the words “Graduated in an International School and years after still don’t have a job”. I felt it. It slapped the hell right out of me Lily. That’s when I knew I failed. I failed as a daughter, I failed her expectations of me. I also realized that I was living my life trying to please her. There’s too much pain inside of me right now Lily and I don’t think I can talk to anybody about this. All along, all these years, that’s what she thinks about me. I am a burden. That’s why she was trying to control my life because she already thinks I’m a failure. 

To be honest, I think my main purpose in life was to be happy. To learn how to be contented with what I have because in the end we will all turn into dust. But it doesn’t mean I’m not trying. I do. Its just that its not that easy especially in this situation that the world is in right now. I still try to find myself a job, to sustain all my needs and eventually to not need of her financial support. I don’t know but I think my main goal right now is to escape from her and her high expectations from me. 

All I know right now is, she doesn’t have enough space for understanding for us and our mistakes. I just hope I get past through all of these hurt that I feel Lily. 

Yours truly,