#dear sage

@sagecarsons

Dear Child That God Decided Was Too Good for the Earth, I always wondered about you, I always wondered what you'd be, If you'd be my big sister or big brother, If you'd be a morning person or a night owl, If you'd be a writer too since that gene seems to flow through my brother too, Dear Perfect Soul Untarnished by The World, I hope you were a girl, I've imagined you as a girl for so long so that I'd have someone to talk to, But given the way I view family now I might've treated you the same as the rest of them now, Dear Sister, I'm sure you were a girl, God wouldn't spend all this time yoyoing that idea in my head for nothing, Dear Big Sis, What's your favorite colour? Is it turquoise like mine? Or green, or teal, Because they're NOT the same thing! Dear Older Sister, Now that you met dad, Do you understand why I still haven't gotten over his heart abandoning beating to just become a dead rock in his chest? Do you know how much he loves you? Do you play in his curly hair all day like I did? Do you appreciate his laughter and his overprotective nature? Because even in Heaven, I bet he's telling all the boy angels to steer clear of you, I am jealous of you, Of how the earth hasn't turned you to poison, Of how God decided to be selfish and keep you for Hisself, Of how you never experienced a lick of pain in your life beyond the stars, You will never know grief or sorrow, Or loss, Dear Sister, I think you were supposed to be Jasmin because mom always had that name for her first daughter and when you didn't make it through the tunnel she gave it to me, So you can't have it back now, But I want to call you, Sage, Dear Sage, I wonder if you'd have defended me as a kid, I wonder if childhood bullying would no longer be the culprit for my self esteem issues, I wonder if you'd punched Shaniiah in the face the first time she called me ugly in front of the whole class, I wonder, If you'd have even noticed at all like everyone else didn't, Dear Sage, I wonder if you'd have turned your arms into a cutting board, If the pressure to be perfect would've turned you into dust instead of diamond like I did, I wonder if you'd have cried as much as I did, Or if you'd have told me to woman up and wipe my eyes, Not let mom turn me into rain storm, Dear Sage, I wonder if you'd have tried to save me from the monster in my closet, with her own room in the house that bought us clothes and paid our tuition, I wonder if you'd have believed me when I said she choked me in my sleep, Tried to turn me into a belated version of you when I didn't turn out exactly how she wanted, Dear Sis, I wonder if you'd have stood up for me when I was too weak to crawl, Dear Sis, I hope you're a girl because if not this whole letter sounds retarded, Dear Sister as I'd hope you to be, I wonder if you'd have tried to save me, Fought off mom when she tried turning her hands into a noose and my throat into a forgotten thing, Dear Bigger Me, Since we share the same DNA, I wonder if you'd have been as squeamish about eating off your family like your brother is, Dear Sage, I know the world will never get to you where you are and that makes me glad, What this world does to Black girls will make you wish you hadn't drawn breath on some days, You are blessed to be where you are, Dear Sage, Are you Team Natural? If not, I imagine you to be, With a big curly afro for me to glare at with jealousy because you figured out the need to go natural long before I did, Dear Sage, You are beautiful, and drop dead gorgeous, I know this because our daddy didn't have no ugly genes, And you are an angel while I'm still learning how to fly, And I hope, When we meet, We both have dad’s eyes.