#dear andy

For a very long time I didn't ever see myself living past the age 21/22. Then it became 25. And now at 27 I think I'm starting to see past the age 35.

Since I've lasted wrote to you, I've been on a new kid kick. But someone called out my fear. I'm truly afraid of disappointing you or creating an environment that makes you hate me. I'm afraid of not being able to give you the life I imagine you to have with a typical nuclear family with a mom, dad, and cat. I still imagine a life where I am so in love with your dad, and he loves me just a little bit more. He and I are the "cool" parents who are just a little bit eccentric and silly. We are normal. We fight. But we work through it. We live a comfortable life where we don't struggle with money. Your grandparents are weird and silly, but they love you so much. We are a progressive family and support your growth and privacy but protect you with reason. Even though I am well into my career, I still have time for you and your dreams and passions. I am afraid of not giving you this life.

At 23, I was working through my new diagnosis. I struggled with finding support and at this point, I knew I only had one real friend and all her friends became my friends but I didn't have any for myself. I was VERY lonely. I was starting to lose myself into the unknown that is my health. By that point, I had contemplated suicide and even needed an SOS call because I couldn't stand living. And even until now my mortality is something I don't take very seriously. Maybe you could even find entries of young me talking about how I could I ever consider suicide. It's gotten better. I promise.

I was aimless until I decided during the middle of the pandemic that it's time to leave. Being stuck at home and trying to go back to school but living at home is just not sustainable. I had decided if I don't leave now, then when?

So in October 2020, I moved to Houston, TX and I had a plan to start a new grad program because the first one I started just didn't fulfill me. I dreaded class but I loved work, even though I was working from a different time zone. I moved without applying to school yet but I was banking my future on getting into this new grad program. But I felt so confident and passionate about the work.

And with a time skip, I got my Masters! I think back to impactful times in my life that I needed some guidance and clarity in my life with my undergrad degrees. I remember meeting with Dr. Tracy and she laid it out on the table: AAS or Student Affairs. She said I seem to like student affairs more but like what the hell is even student affairs? I had only wished I asked more and wasn't so stubborn about getting a masters in Asian American Studies. I realized that I am solution-oriented. I am a "fixer" I need solutions or reasons for a problem but solving the problem or question is how I thrive. Everyone has said I don't take "No" for an answer, but I really always needed "No and this is why."

My life came full circle. I visited Houston/ UH in 2017 and thought it was a beautiful campus/union. I visited their LGBTQ/WGRC office and was so inspired by the space. I didn't think I would ever end up at UH getting my Masters, much less starting my professional career in the WGRC office. I'm grateful I was able to find my calling and purpose in this life. I think you know me well enough to know that I care so fiercely. I care about making the world much better than I left it. I care about my students and my friends, and the work I do fills my soul. And maybe one day you will see the passion I have and it'll help guide you in finding yourself and your passion earlier in life. And if not, we can always work towards it.

To get into the nitty gritty of why I am here:

I am at a crossroads in my life. I am currently back home in LA after I had packed up my things after I decided to bite the bullet and come home. It wasn't an easy decision, but I wasn't happy there anymore. I am so grateful for the people I have met and I miss them a lot. But my personal life sucked. And as much as I loved the work I was doing, it wasn't paying me enough. I loved every moment of my first job. I had an amazing boss and amazing colleagues. I had a great life. But I was waiting for the next opportunity and time ran out before the next opportunity came. So I'm back home. For now.

I'm waiting on my next opportunity to come. And whether it's in Boulder or Seattle, heck even LA, the world may never know. I honestly don't know yet either.

I don't have anything profound to say, especially in times of crossroads. I'm a little lost but that's okay. I'll figure it out. Everything will work itself out. And when it does, I will let you know.

Love,