#dean blogs

Okay I've gotten three of these now I really should do one. (thank you btw Messrs.)

I am the best person I know at exams, and I can turn a phrase pretty well

I can cram and understand a whole bunch of shit really really quickly when I have to, and then retain that understanding indefinitely

I can work extraordinarily well under pressure, especially late at night before something's due

Apparently I can teach relatively well and help people understand things

i seem to get asked this question every so often and i'm just a teeeeeeny bit suspicions, oh well.

when it comes to looks:

really tall guys are my favorite

if you have a beard/plan on having one you might as well marry me now

i find myself usually crushing on older guys. when i say older i mean like 2-3 years max. though sometimes, like pretty recently, it's around 6 years :x

yo tattoos are hella rad and are an awesome thing for you to have

i've never really liked long hair on other guys, i'm actually growing out of my having long hair phase, so shorter hair cuts (especially short fohawks dear jesus) are more my thing

guys eyes that do the crinkly thing when they laugh or smile too hard are just <<<<<33333

brown/hazel eyes are my favorite

now personality, it goes a little something like this:

i really like it when guys just bullshit with me (telling each other really fucking lame jokes, saying stupid shit, just talking about nothing, ect.)

a good sense of humor is, i think, the only thing that is required for me to like you, everything else is just superficial things that i've come to like

i'm usually attracted to more masculine personalities than feminine

generally someone who'd act like my bestfriend and dick around with me but would have those incredibly tender and adorable moments every once in a while uwu

shit i don't know where to put:

liking the same music i do never killed anyone

same with games and such

deEP VOICES

nice laughs

play video games with me and i'll pretty much like you no matter what

*riPS OFF SHIRT* DUMB NICKNAMES

But overall, I think last year was hollow. I've been trying to sum it up somehow for a while, but I think I can settle on hollow.

I felt hollow emotionally after the two relationships crumbled at the start, one of which I ended for selfish reasons which I hope in the end was the right decision for both of us, and the other which I didn't, and struggled to find closure for over the rest of the year, not that I'm throwing blame because like everything, there's always a mirror situation which reminds us. The way I ended the first relationship smacked of the way the other relationship ended, so I accept that both were decisions that had to happen, and that's how I got through the day.

I felt hollow in my results at uni, because I don't know how to deal with them. I want to feel proud of them, but I had everyone in my life telling me beforehand that it was a bad decision. I can't feel validated in going against the advice of so many people I care about and coming out on top. I can't feel validated getting good marks in subjects I did no work for, when I know people who put in more effort and failed. I can't feel validated for succeeding without trying because I feel like a cheat and a fraud, without actually cheating or doing anything wrong, so in the end I just feel hollow about it.

I feel hollow about the future. I want to take on more this year than I did last year, but I don't want to feel the same invalidation at the end. At the same time, I don't want to give in and not challenge myself because of the wishes of others that shouldn't have a bearing on my decision. I don't want to feel the bitter loneliness I did for the majority of last year, and I don't want to wallow in the ruins of a relationship and not move on. I don't want to hurt any more people whose feelings I don't reciprocate, and feel such deep-seated guilt about it afterwards, that I don't deserve to push away people who want me, that it's my fault for not caring about them in the same way. I don't think any of that guilt is founded though, no-one's expressed anything to that effect, and I haven't been made to feel guilty by anyone in that way this year, but it's my mind's opinion, and I am notoriously bad at changing my mind on something once I've got it in my head.

Overall though, in the last month or two, I think I've managed to build up a bit of self-esteem which hasn't been around for a long time. I feel alright about myself, all things considered, and I'm starting to feel happier about my appearance. I'm feeling happier about my friendships, even though I know there's more work to do and I still worry about my friends a lot. I want this year to be a good one, and I'm going to do everything I can to make it happen. So:

New Years Resolutions:

Talk to Mike and Matt more than I have been, and be a more reliable friend to them.

Be less passive aggressive to Rhys and Rochelle.

Get my degree with the majors and subjects that I want, including good marks; don't take no or it's too difficult as an answer.

Take up something that involves movement, like dancing or parkour, and improve it as a skill.

Go to the gym more than last year (try and go at least once a week, if not twice)

Find a relationship, and don't get clingy and ruin it.

Forgive myself.

I'm currently working in a chemistry laboratory at the university synthesising fluorescent dyes which is lots of fun and really interesting. It's more lax than last year, since it doesn't matter if I'm not in 'til 10:30 and I normally leave before 4 because there's just not a lot to do sometimes, like, all my reactions run overnight. It seems to be going well, though, I'm trying to take on more responsibility in the lab and get some interesting things synthesised in the four weeks I have.

In January I'm doing another internship thing but with the physics department on quantum information theory which is more theoretical, but I'm not doing that one alone, it's me and Rochelle in it together trying to write a paper so it'll be heaps of fun!

Overall life is okay. One of my friends' marks are probably not what they hoped, and I feel really guilty because I suggested they take on too much this semester and they did and it ended badly. It'll all work out in the end, but I feel awful for the moment, let alone how they're feeling.

I have a semi-birthday thing tomorrow (which is like, two weeks late because I suck at planning) which should be cool! we're going bowling and karaoke-ing and I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be a bit of a long day, though, so I hope I'm up to it by the afternoon.

It's been nine months and I still miss him. I feel so stupid that I can't get over this guy even though I'm sure he's well and truly moved on by now, and it gets to me a lot. I've tried bottling it up this year to help me get by, since I did about two years of university work in a single year and could probably not have managed having a major reevaluation of my life on top of that, but now that I'm on holidays it's sinking back in.