Have you ever been so confused in life that it literally drained you? These days have lasted longer and made me hate everything. I’ve come to a point where I question a lot things I’ve never even thought about. I’ve never been one to express my feelings and emotions very easily. So writing helps me get things out when I’m not so good at talking. There was a person who knew me so well I didn’t have to say anything. My mom. On March 15th, 2018 my mom died of stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. She was in remission for 8 years after hearing that her cancer had relapsed in August of 2016. The day we found out, it was just she and I going to her appointment. I was nervous but I had all my faith in God that it wouldn’t be cancer. “The tests do show some spots of cancer reoccurrence on your lungs and liver.” After hearing the doctor say those words, it was like time stopped and my body went into complete shock. I had never felt so many different emotions all at once. I was angry, sad, shocked, hurt, and confused. After the doctor left out, I jumped up and grabbed my mom so tight and said. “I can’t lose you.“ She looked at me and kissed me and said, “You won’t baby. I promise.” Before leaving her appointment that day, I threw up so much in the hospital bathroom because I felt so sick to my stomach.
 As time went on, the cancer got worse. She was in and out of the hospital two or three times every month. By May of 2017, she’s on her fourth chemo because the cancer was far too aggressive for all of the other chemo treatments. Once again, it’s just she and I going to her appointment. “We have some good news, the tests have shown that there was some shrinkage in the tumors.” She was so happy. She was crying and thanking God. When I heard the news I got up and immediately starting praising and thanking God. This day my dad, my mom, my grandma, and I all went out to eat to celebrate. I think everyone was just so happy this day we didn’t care about the future. We just were so thankful for THAT moment and time. I remember my mom saying that from then on whatever happened in the future didn’t matter and she would never question God again. In the back of my head, I didn’t agree with her. What I was really thinking was, if God didn’t heal her I would question everything.
 Once again, another appointment. This time, there is bad news. The cancer outsmarted the chemo and it was time to move on to another treatment. Again. More hospital visits occur and more scary doctors appointments come up. Every time there was an appointment, waiting for the doctor to come in was the worst part. I would want to leave out so badly but I knew I couldn’t because I had to be there for my mom. She lost more and more weight. It hurt so bad to see how her she looked less like herself every day.
 In February of 2018, my family had a super bowl party in Atlanta and my mom so desperately wanted to go. So we did. We booked three tickets to Atlanta, Georgia and she saw her family one last time. On February 15th, 2018 she had an appointment to get chemo. When the doctor came in he explained that if she couldn’t take this chemo, there were really no more options. He explained how harsh and strong the chemo was and he started to discuss DNR. “Can I have some time to think about it?” my mom asked. While waiting to get her chemo she kept telling me that she couldn’t leave me. She was so determined to get the chemo knowing that it was life-threatening and that her small and frail body might not be able to withstand it. She still wanted to fight for me. The chemo was supposed to last a total of three hours. She only got in a little over an hour before she started to react badly to it. She couldn’t remember certain things; she forgot where she was, who I was, and the year that it was. It was just really bad. I started to hate myself for allowing her to take the chemo. They immediately admitted her to the hospital. I spent every night in the hospital with her. She started to get back to her normal self. We talked a lot. We talked about the what if’s and the possibility of God healing her. Before leaving the hospital she thanked me for sticking with her and being able to communicate with the doctors and nurses while she wasn’t in her best state of mind. “Thank you so much, Courtney. I don’t know how I will ever repay you. I love you so much.” I told her that I would do it over and over again if I had to and that she didn’t have to repay me because she’d already sacrificed her life for me. I told her that I was honored to do it.
 When we got back home she stressed how she didn’t want to take the chemo anymore and we all agreed with her. Her body wouldn’t have been able to withstand it anyway. I slept with her every night. We talked, we watched movies, and just enjoyed our time together. In the beginning of March, her health started to decline. She was put on hospice. She started to become confused and eventually lost her speech. One day, I was sitting on the floor in her room with my head lying on her leg. I usually wouldn’t cry in front of her, but I just couldn’t hold it in. I was overwhelmed with emotion. As I started to cry, she looked at me and said “Why are you crying?” and I told her it was because I loved her so much. She responded with, “I love you too, baby.” At this point, mind you she wasn’t talking at all. It made me happy to hear her say those words, but it also made me sad because I knew it would be one of the last times.
 That day came. Where my whole life changed forever. I remember it like it was yesterday. It’s like I remember every step, every moment, and every second I had to convince myself that this was real. I helped the hospice nurse clean my mom up and I laid with her until the funeral home came to pick her body up. I think that I blacked out that day and had three asthma attacks. I mostly remember my dad having to carry me out of my mom’s room because the funeral home had to take her away. I just kept thinking, “They’re taking my mommy away. They’re taking her away from me.” It hurt me so bad because she didn’t deserve any of this. I wanted to be angry at so many things, so many people. I knew that anyone that had ever caused her any pain was drowning in guilt. Apart of me was happy about that. I needed something to be angry at.
 This was honestly just a very brief narrative of this process. There is so much left out. I just know a lot of people have been asking how I’m doing and how I’m coping. The truth is I’m doing the best I can. I’ve been carrying a lot for a long time. It’s some stuff that only my mom knew. I had a friend that said, “When someone close to you in your family has cancer. YOU have cancer too.” And that feels so true. Although I haven’t experienced the serious physical symptoms of cancer, I definitely have experienced the emotional aspects of it. From my mom’s illness, I developed depression. I was scared to share this with anyone because of what people might think. So many people everyday call me strong and say how well I’m dealing with this. The truth is, a lot of the times, I don’t feel strong at all. Most days, I am crying all day and I feel so weak and fatigued. Even while at work I have to force myself to keep my mind off of it. And I know that it’s going to take some time for the pain to ease. It’s just that anytime I felt like giving up, my mom was there to ease the pain. She was there to help me get through it, despite her circumstances.
 I’m sharing all of this to let people know that depression doesn’t have a certain look. I want people to know that they aren’t alone. Things are tough and sometimes it seems like God doesn’t hear us, but he does. We suffer to grow. It seems silly and unfair, but without suffering we would be arrogant and complacent. Through every trial, we grow stronger. Through every storm, we come out stronger. Because life is hard. It’s so hard. Going through hard times in life gives you strength for the curveball that may be coming your way in the future. God gives us some trials to be able to share testimonies. Sharing our testimonies can possibly help others who may be new to something you’ve dealt with. Even though, I am not healed from the pain of my mother being gone (which I don’t ever think I will be) God has been giving me wisdom and the words to give to others who are going through things similar to me. I had someone tell me, “She would not leave you if you weren’t strong enough and God wouldn’t take her if He didn’t think so either.” I’m learning to overcome my depression and continue to live the way she would want me to. To be happy, strong, kind, caring, loving, and helpful. Just like she was.
