#deadness

I wanted to let it go. What you did, making that deal with Taylor? I wanted to think of it the way you said—not as disloyal, or an action against me—but as a practical solution to a problem that you, someone I loved, was faced with. And so that night I told you it was fine. And I wanted it to be true. I laid there in bed next to you and I just tried to breathe out the bad, breathe in the good. But with each breath, instead of peace, love, and understanding filling my lungs, the old bile was there. I stared at the ceiling, with you sleeping next to me, beautiful and serene, and I played out our relationship to its end. I thought about marriage. Let it land for me that it was something I'd already assumed was going to happen. Us having kids together too. I smiled at the notion. It was hopeful. Romantic. Kinda thought a normal man would be happy having. But then, I felt something go cold in me, and I knew the truth was in that cold. And that eventually, it would turn hot. To rage. And when it did, I would blow the whole fucking thing up, kids and all. Because, sure, your choice was rational. But to me, it was traitorous. And I wouldn't be able to live with it. I'd wreck everything we had over it. I'd make you suffer, tenfold, for what I had suffered. Especially if I waited without crushing Taylor. Because by then, Taylor would be rich and safe. So I decided, fuck it. Might as well get my revenge and rip the scab off this fucking thing between us at the same time. Then we'd be even, too. Each fucked over. Each aware of who the other really is. And then, then we could find out what was still between us.