#dbrowell

There's lots of things any of us here at FDATR could tell you about what to take to concerts if you're attending with children. Some of them are a part of a long list of equipment (earplugs/headphones, sunscreen...etc) and some are just the philosophical underpinnings necessary for both parent and child to enjoy a show. In the vein of the latter I wanted to talk about an under-utilized but crucial arrow in the quiver of family concert going: Patience.

But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself by even naming it, because true patience is built on a foundation of key realities you have to buy into. If you can't agree on the following three things when taking a kid to a show (and I'm talking older than just a baby), patience will completely elude you:

THIS SHOW IS NOT ABOUT YOU: This is true. From the start, if you are taking a kid with you there is all expectation that you might enjoy yourself, but your enjoyment is NOT paramount here. If you do not enjoy seeing someone else enjoy themselves at a show, this exercise is not for you. This is not about you knowing all the words, not about you finagling a spot near the bassist like you always do, and it sure as hell has nothing to do with your habit of elbowing tweens to get the setlist. Let all that go. Any of your personal needs coming true is heretofore known as GRAVY and you're extra lucky if any of it happens.

YOU DO NOT NEED A T-SHIRT LIKE HE/SHE NEEDS A T-SHIRT: I get it. You compulsively purchase even the sort-of cool shirt available and the more obscure the band the more likely you'll want it for flaunting your incredible taste. But trust me - picking out a shirt for your kid(s) is ten thousand times cooler than anything you will ever get yourself. And trust me, they'll notice that you don't get one for yourself and that you're just trying to make their time special. (Remember the equation here is: the more special they feel = the more shows you'll get to go to.) Don't have kids sizes? Who cares? My daughter Addy has been wearing an Eisley shirt to bed as a sleep shirt for months now (replacing the Tool one I thought was hilarious). Point being, you spend ungodly amounts of money for knick knacks for every other trip - BOTHER to memorialize your time together with something. Addy's signed Grace Potter handkerchief is one of her prized possessions - and she likes it way better than if I had gotten her the super-limited-edition-foil-ridiculous poster that I would have gotten myself.

PUT THE BEER DOWN: What's the harm? Nothing. A single beer probably won't matter. But kids know that your adult drinks signal an adult time and that could be good ("I'm a grown up now!") or bad ("I'm being dragged to this"). Even if one of you is driving and the other could cut loose, making a kid wait in a beer line is akin to watching paint dry and you also signal that drinking is THAT important. Trust me, the few minutes you save could be spent sitting the amphitheater seats getting excited, pointing out the lights, telling her/him what song you think they'll like, or finding the other kids in the crowd. You want to distinguish yourself from the drunks you hope they don't notice? Don't be one.

 So. Got those covered? Good. You're already 2/3 of the way to achieving the most important thing for you to bring. Patience. Have you ever sat down and done a single thing with a child for 2+ hours? Then you know it can be achieved as long as you are okay with distractions, errant thoughts, stimulation and potty breaks. (That last one is important, because if they need to pee during "Yellow Ledbetter" you have just got to deal with it.)

The great news is, as hard as I've made this sound it's completely attainable. I'm embarrassed by how many parents DON'T take their kids to more shows. What an incredible moment to share with them. When they enjoy it, and they've been to a few, it's a truly bonding experience. The few shows I've been to with my parents are defining moments that get brought up often, from seeing Don McLean when I was in high school to the 10,000 Maniacs show my Dad took me to that my Mother always reminds us she didn't make. I love that we have those memories and I love that Addy won't see concert-going as something she had to make me do with her as a chaperone, but rather something we just always did because we love music. It's something we do together because we both want each other there.

Shared experiences are touchstones for relating to people. Addy finds it hard to relate to kids that have never been to a show when she shows up at school after one. But you know who she does relate to? Every one of my friends, everyone she looks up to. For every female friend that tells her how freaking incredible it is that she has been to Bonnaroo - that's a positive interaction a MILLION times more potent and empowering than yet another comment about how a 7 year old little girl is "pretty." It's a statement of who she is, who she wants to be, what she likes, what she's brave and mature enough to handle and how she can be seen as an adult through her responsible actions - not through acting out or away from the interests of her parents. And you know what? I get to go to a lot more shows. And every time my daughter and I put on a song and we both start butt-dancing and singing at the top of our lungs in the car with the windows rolled down, you know what the very next thing out of her mouth is when it's over?

"We should go see them in concert."

Did you hear that?

"We." 

In the fall of 2005, when my daughter Addy was 18 months old I traveled away from our (then) home in the sleepy mountains of Virginia to DC to see The Frames with a friend. Like most trips away I missed her already, daydreaming about taking her to shows, what kind of music she would like, and what kind of an incredible little girl she would be.

The opener was Josh Ritter, who I was relatively unfamiliar with at the time. He was a perfect match to tour with The Frames and his set was an electrifying folk/rock slice of exactly what I love about storytelling, musicianship and personality on stage. I instantly thought Addy would love him. I mean, once she got old enough to have any particular taste. But come on, what could you not love about, “Snow is Gone” live?

Afterwards I scrambled back to the merch table to nab what I could and a chance to meet the guy. He emerged out of breath but smiling ear to ear. I hung back as others took quick pictures and shook quick hands – which he generally refused and immediately turned into big hugs. When the place cleared out a bit in anticipation of The Frames taking the stage, my good friend Suzie and I got a chance to really talk to him and get our tickets signed. He asked me about my family and I explained how excited I was to introduce my daughter to his music. We talked about childhood, musical influences and what it means to be a happy kid (“laughter – love and laughter can get you through anything”). When it was clear we both might miss The Frames’ set, we hugged more than once and started to part. It struck me that Addy might one day appreciate a little something from moments like this – maybe first from me and then later collected herself. So I approached Josh before he left and asked if he’d sign his EP for Addy. He smiled wide and hugged me (again) and enthusiastically wrote a little note to my Addison Jade.

 Fast forward four years later and Addy and I were front and center at Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens, in the rain, dancing our little asses off to, “Snow is Gone” as Josh smiled down at the sight of a then-five-year-old on the rail with her Dad.

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There’s lots of things I’m looking forward to sharing on this blog about life, music, tips, tricks, warnings and recommendations all surrounding being a father who loves music with his daughter. I really appreciate the chance to share them, and I invite any and all comments and thoughts.

I’ll be up front with all of you, I’m a single Dad now so the music adventures have taken on an even more important meaning. Luckily, I have an incredible web of friends who all know how important music is to not only Addy’s development, but my relationship with her. Her Mom is awesomely supportive of this too, which is a huge help. Thanks for looking in on our journey, sincerely.