Everything was white. All white, and cold. So, so very cold.
Natalia still could not understand how she got where she was — the days began to blur together and the nights grew more severe. She woke up when they told her to, took medicine when they told her to. She went to the bathroom when they told her to, and bathed as they told her to, and slept when they said, Sleep. And the nightmares came when they told her they wouldn’t, and that made her believe them even less. They dressed her in white, and they in a pale blue, but all she ever saw was blood red.
She never counted the days. They were all the same anyways - the same routine, the same dreams, the same hallucinations. There was nothing different, except she was in a foreign place with strange people and she was falling apart in every single way. So when she received news that there would be a visitor, she remained guarded. Who was it? Did this person bring her here? She was confused, and thrown into the fire after days, weeks, months, of the same old thing.
When they finally accompanied the visitor into her quarters, she was first surprised, then deeply hurt. The nurses left the room, and she found herself staring at who she’d thought was her closest friend, her only ally. Apparently not.
” You knew I was here…? Soo, please tell me you only just found out… “ She begged quietly, her fingers reaching for his own, which were settled in his lap. When he avoided her gaze, she knew that there was something wrong. He knew. Had he put her in here? How could he…? How could he?! The male raised his chin and met her gaze, but sorrow filled his eyes. And guilt. Guilt. All suspicions confirmed, and the hurt cut deeper.
” Don’t hate me, Natalia… “ He responded after moments of silence, his voice weak, as if ridden with sleeplessness. But he avoided her gaze, she knew, because he could see how she was breaking. As if he knew she was falling apart, but chose to deny it. After all, the institution is supposed to help. “ The institution is supposed to help. “ He muttered, and she clenched her jaw in response.
Standing and turning to face that dreadfully white wall, she uttered in return. “ Leave… you brought me here to help me, but all they’re doing is watching me die. “ She spoke, voice hardened from the hurt of betrayal. And when she heard no movement, she shouted one last time, " Leave! " And he did.
Natalia stared at the wall, standing firmly with jaw clenched for minutes, turned hours. Staring hard into that disturbingly white wall and waiting, hoping, for the wall to simply… crumble down. But it didn’t, and they came and told her to take her medicine, told her to bathe, told her to go to sleep. But that night, she couldn’t. She’d decided during those hours of standing, loathing, that she would not stay in that place. She would not let them watch her die. She would make her escape.
Five months later, she was proclaimed dead - but in reality, she couldn’t be any more alive.
The less routine, the more life, but Kyungsoo begged to differ.
The more he tried to wander off into trying something new to him, the more his spirits would hit a new low faster than the stock market would report. Entertaining the thought of letting something foreign in his life could only trigger a new dimension of pain, one he might not be familiar with yet, but it all awfully tastes the same—a spoonful served in better silverware. His shift was on a 9 to 5 basis this season, permitting no application for vacations since he used them up with his previous relationship. Now, he’s paying off the debts of his absences which to say wasn’t certainly the worst thing in his life.
As he drank the Caramel Macchiato, one he ordered exactly at 5:15 every afternoon down by the coffee shop a block away from the hospital, his thoughts lingered on how he dwelled so much in the past. This time, instead of drinking it inside the coffee shop, he opted to take it somewhere else. The small waiting shed in front of it seemed peaceful, considering that no one would dare burden themselves with the risk of getting wet from a torrential rain informed to have entered South Korea’s area of responsibility. His stack of files was safely kept inside a plastic envelope anyway, so there was no stopping him.
Placing the cup aside, he views the case file again, like it was just yesterday. Natalia Yamamoto, a name he could never forget in both good and bad, a name he would never neglect to give a second glance upon a mention or even just the sight of an object holding sentimental value between them. August 16, 2014, a date he could never forget as well, also in good and bad light. Unfortunately, it was more of the latter than the former. The only positive thought for it was the burden lifted upon her from enduring the institution’s treatment. Four months down after that incident and he still hasn't fully accepted the loss.
The fresh memory still gives a sting to his feeble heart; regret and guilt mixes up into toxic venom that only he had the opportunity to find an antidote at that time.. But he didn’t. Not by choice, but rather it was because he wasn’t able to when he had the chance. It was no doubt that he became an instrument upon persuading her to enter that blasted hellhole they called a ‘home.’ He found out how fraudulent their researches were, how careless they were in handling her condition. But he was too late for it all to play his cards right and hold them accountable for the worsening condition of his childhood friend. She was dead before he could even hear a single testimony of how right she was with her suspicions.
Then again, anyone who listened to her at that time would’ve been dubious. A relative of hers have even described her as insane at one point, but not once did he mentioned that when he visited last March. Not once did he utter a single thing that came knocking down on his mind that day, and it has made all the difference.
The first few drops of the rainfall startled him as it dropped on the plastic cover of his cup, a faint plop on its surface causing him to look back at it. His hand moves it closer to his side as he zipped up the envelope carefully; making sure neither water nor any other substance stained that medical record. He offered to keep it safe as the family gave it to him, knowing how his profession was in the field of medicine, and perhaps it was best they hid it from themselves. It only stirred up those lost years they could’ve had with her and Kyungsoo was the best candidate to absolve them from their misery. Like a sponge, he took it all, the medical records, a few notes and observations the institution made, and last but not the least, a list of medications they forced upon her.
As he was about to stand up and transfer to a more decent place to finish his coffee, a pair of eyes greet him across the street. The holder of those orbs knew him, and so did he with hers. ‘Could it be?..’ His bewildered gaze struck her, only snapping him back to realize that it was all too real. ‘Wasn’t she.. dead?’ But contradicting his notion, Natalia was very much alive across that street. And right now, she was walking in the opposite direction her steps previously led her to, going at a faster pace now that the intermittent drops became a constant drizzle. They were both certain of each other’s presence, a few metres apart but deep down, even with the rain beginning to build up between them, their distance would disappear once he reconnected with her.
