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suicide cw
i've had success this year with just like, deciding not to seriously consider, plan, or attempt killing myself. wanted to not rely on it so much as an anxiety release valve. what has made this decision work i think is that i've also decided i get to reevaluate at the end of the year, so really there is a little release valve
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i'm letting experiences of not understanding or processing be meditative states to me. eyes roaming around the frame in a movie abstract colours and shapes need no label words on a page shapes and sounds i allow them to pass me by. i assume something gets in and i will have an easier time on the reapproach.
a little bit ago had awkward convo with beloved friend where she was very earnestly suggesting i try to go out in nature or to the park with j. and i had to explain the whole thing with my wheelchair.
we have to store it upstairs because it has to be where nobody can see it and it's really difficult to get it downstairs because it's also not allowed to touch the carpet and we have to, not because we literally have to but again because we're supposed to not be seen as much as possible, leave the house through an alley that's a tight squeeze and we're on top of a hill and j. is the one who has to carry it through all this and is only just physically able enough to operate it at the best of times never mind when he has just lugged it down the stairs so. the practical difficulty and physical pain and exertion is not worth it
so my life for the past 5 years has been long long stretches existing almost always in one room in a single bed punctuated by short excursions to visit my love which decimate my energy and make me ill after bc it's all-day travel etc.
got my covid vax a couple days ago, and j also got his. now we're both ineligible for the free vax but one is available if you pay [hideous amount of money]. so that is what we did. i have some murky feelings (cut for length mostly)
about how last year he was very upset that he was no longer eligible for the vaccine - understandable - but part of how he expressed that was to tell me repeatedly that [our mutual friend, disabled in some similar ways and some different to me, who also became ineligible for the vaccine] deserved it more than me. and when i needed him to come with me to operate my chair he was upset with me for increasing his covid risk through taking an extra trip out (on the bus etc.) leading to several unpleasant conversations as i remember it, that i was doing something very unfair to him, that i was putting him in this terrible situation for something he wouldn't even benefit from.
and now this time, he wouldn't mask at all on the bus (50 minutes each way) or any other indoor environments - for asthma reasons i think primarily but he also said it wouldn't help or make a difference anyway [to covid risk].
he wouldn't operate my chair because of concern about post-vax effects (i.e., if you can't operate a car after, you can't operate a wheelchair) so i had to walk and ended up overexerting a lot, doing the most walking i've done in maybe 4 years? 5? i think he was hoping i wouldn't find it difficult so then we could take a similar trip out but for recreational things, doing some shopping or something, with no chair again. he has asked about this kind of thing a few times (like, Are you sure you need it?)
also, for some reason i couldn't book our flu vaccines at the same place even though it seems like they offer them (information ambiguous). so i'm going to have to figure out where we can go for that and then we will have to make a similar trip again soon.
mystery chocolate candy in the fridge j's sister bought in iceland, doesn't seem to be liked much in household. j talks of "some kind of weird flavour". immediately upon trying i'm like, it's got liquorice in it. chocolate and caramel and liquorice pieces. bad news for everyone else great news for meeeee
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i've been doing things and then closed-eyes resting like 20 mins stuff/2 mins rest/20 mins stuff/10 mins rest plus two naps (~late morning and ~late afternoon). as it gets into the evening i struggle more with keeping up this schedule because i don't want to impact my ability to go to sleep
i've managed to make good progress on some Tasks, play a bit of games and read some poems each day and watched two movies.
right right right so my love got offered a contract with more hours at her job which means i am most likely moving out and moving in with her next month! for real!! of course i'm worried something bad will happen. but my hopes are up. they are up!!!!!!
i want to be done with these tasks that are eating all my brain energy! draining me! i have poems i want to submit! yeah no one likes them but still!
