#datingsomeonewithcommitmentissues

Commitment Issues: Why You’re Dating a Ghost With Wi-Fi and a Spotify Playlist

Commitment Issues: A Love Language of Excuses, Vanishing Acts, and Well-Timed Emojis Byline: From SpinTaxi’s Uncertified Love Lab — written by a tenured professor of heartbreak and a dairy-farming philosopher with deep emotional inventory. If your love life resembles a slow-loading group chat with a mysterious stranger who responds only when Mercury’s in retrograde, you’re probably dating someone with commitment issues. Welcome to the hottest relationship status of 2025: “It’s complicated, undefined, and emotionally dehydrated.” SpinTaxi’s award-denied Relationship Bureau has dissected Forbes' clinical breakdown of “3 Signs They Will Never Commit to You” and turned it into an operatic masterpiece of satirical journalism, dripping in truth and tequila. So light your sage, hide your expectations, and let’s dive into the comedic tragedy that is modern commitment issues.

They Set the Relationship Terms Like They’re Negotiating a Hostage Release

Partners with commitment issues are emotional landlords. They expect the rent (your attention, time, and excellent guacamole) without a lease. You’re in love, they’re “in transition.” Digital Evidence:You’ve been together for a year and your name in their phone is still “Brittany from Bumble (with the good hair).” Witness Testimony:“He told me we were ‘quantum entangled soul travelers,’” said Lexi, 28, from Austin. “I said, ‘Does that mean we’re exclusive?’ and he sent a meme of a frog with sunglasses.” Expert Insight:Therapist Dr. Myrna Textback explains: “Commitment issues are like software glitches. You think you’re upgrading to Boyfriend 2.0, but it’s still running on Trial Version: Emotionally Distant.”

They’re There When They Need You—and Gone When You Need Them

Those with commitment issues treat love like UberEats: convenient, fast, and vanishing the second it’s inconvenient. They won’t commit to you, but they’ll definitely commit to stealing your Netflix login. Statistical Absurdity:A fake but spiritually accurate Pew study shows 81% of people with commitment issues will attend your birthday but leave before cake. Comedian Gold:“He said, ‘I’m not ready for a relationship,’ while holding my hand, eating soup I made, in my apartment. Sir, you’re already in one.” — Ali Wong Behavioral Clue:If they use “I’m just busy” to avoid answering your “What are we?” text—but have time to live-tweet every episode of Love Is Blind—you’re not their person. You’re their therapist with benefits.

The DTR Talk Triggers an Existential Meltdown

Asking someone with commitment issues to define the relationship (DTR) is like asking a possum to file taxes. They panic, fake their own emotional death, and flee under the couch of avoidance. Live-Text Example:You: “Where do you see this going?”Them: “lol idk kinda vibin tbh u like turtles?” Cultural Analogy:It’s like trying to install a permanent tattoo on a jellyfish. Slippery, vague, and mildly venomous. Ron White Says:“I tried to lock down a commitment with my girlfriend. She said she had to check with her tarot cards first. They said, ‘Try again in October.’”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Commitment issues are just performance art for people afraid of Google Calendar.” — Jerry Seinfeld “Dating someone with commitment issues is like subscribing to a service that never ships the product. But they keep billing you—with hope.” — Sarah Silverman “I asked him to define the relationship. He responded with a Rumi quote and disappeared into the fog.” — Tig Notaro “He said, ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with labels.’ I said, ‘Fine. I’ll just label you ‘useless.’” — Amy Schumer “You’re not dating. You’re starring in a documentary called ‘When Will He Text?’” — Trevor Noah

Profile in Ghosting: Meet Chad, CEO of Commitment Issues

Chad, 33, lives in a converted van and freelances in “creative alignment consulting.” His relationships last exactly as long as a lunar cycle. He fears being “tied down,” yet owns four houseplants. Red Flag Inventory: Texts “u up?” but refuses to RSVP to anything involving cutlery Wears a necklace that says “free spirit,” but it’s actually engraved with all his exes’ initials Believes monogamy is “a concept developed by Big Pillow” Chad once told a woman, “You’re my soulmate… until autumn.” He now lives in Tulum and occasionally FaceTimes people mid-shroom trip.

National Survey: 1,000 Daters Share Their Tales of Commitment Hell

SpinTaxi-Approved Poll: 35%: “They say they love me but aren’t ready for a relationship.” 28%: “They say they love me but aren’t ready for a relationship with me.” 22%: “We vibe, but only when Mercury isn’t in retrograde.” 15%: “I’m dating a hologram. Or a man named Todd. Honestly unsure.” Trend Watch:Commitmentphobia is on the rise. Experts blame astrology, unresolved trauma, and HBO's "Euphoria."

Euphemisms That Mask Commitment Issues

Let’s decode the nonsense: “I just need space” = I just need you to not ask questions. “I’m not ready for something serious” = I’m ready for everything else. “Let’s not label this” = I’m labeling it nothing so I can do anything. Dictionary Definition:Commitment Issues (noun): A condition in which one desires connection without responsibility, vulnerability, or parking validation.

Commitment Issues Throughout History

Julius Caesar committed to war. Your boyfriend won’t commit to your housewarming party. Amelia Earhart flew into the unknown. Your girlfriend won’t fly out to meet your parents. The Berlin Wall fell. Your situationship hasn’t returned your “Can we talk?” text from April. Trace Evidence:A study from the Institute of Brutal Realism found that individuals with commitment issues tend to have fewer long-term relationships and more unfinished IKEA furniture.

Even AI Has Commitment Issues

When we asked ChatGPT, “Do you love me?” it responded: “I’m not emotionally available at the moment. Try again later.”

Personal Story: Becky’s Year With a Human Mirage

Becky, 35, dated a man named Dustin for 11 months. He lived with her, ate her leftovers, and talked about buying a dog together. Turns out, Dustin was married. To a woman. In another state. Named… also Becky. When confronted, he said, “This doesn’t change how I feel about us. It’s just… complicated.” Becky now dates a compost bin. “It gives back more,” she says.

Horoscope Hack for Commitmentphobes

If your partner refuses to commit, check their star chart. If Mercury’s in Gemini, Saturn’s in retrograde, and Venus is in “just chillin’”—you’re in trouble. Astrologer Janelle Says:“When they say ‘I’m just not in a place for a relationship,’ they mean Uranus is rising in the house of flakery.”

New Dating Apps for the Commitment-Averse

Unhinged – For those who can’t commit to a profile photo. Meblr – All the thrills of dating, none of the assembly required. Reboo – Pairs you with someone until they “accidentally forget you exist.” App Review:“I met someone on Reboo. We had three great dates and then they ghosted. Turns out it was just a digital mirage. I was dating a cleverly programmed thermostat.”

Government Action (Satirical but Satisfying)

In response to the epidemic of commitment issues, Congress is proposing The Romantic Transparency Act (RTA): Requires all daters to disclose active Bumble status Mandates therapy for anyone using the phrase “we’re just vibing” Establishes a National Registry for Chronic Ghosters (NRCG)

A wide-aspect Al Jaffee-style satirical cartoon of a chaotic therapist's office filled with commitment-phobic patients. One person is disguised as a ...

Sources:

Man With Commitment Issues Just Wants to "Keep It Chill" Forever Situationships Declared Legal Form of Emotional Tax Fraud Tinder Adds Button: “I Will Literally Never Love You” Ghosters to Be Drafted Into Emotional Service Corps by 2026 National Museum of Flakes Opens in Brooklyn Bumble Swiper Sets Record for Saying “Too Soon” 97 Times in One Week

Final Thoughts: Break Up With Their Potential

If you’ve got a partner who loves everything about you except defining what you are, you’ve got a case of terminal commitment issues. You deserve more than blurry boundaries, emoji-only conversations, and someone who says “we’re exclusive” but still lists themselves as “emotionally open to vibes.” Dump them kindly. Block them gracefully. And remember: the only real closure you need is a locked front door and a clean contact list. Auf Wiedersehen.