#dating red flags

Why I’m leaving you on read... | My after-shower routine

“You deserve to be cherished.”

“You still have fire in you—and that’s inspiring.”

“I want to nourish someone’s path, not control it.”

“You have the kind of energy I could exhale with.”

Imagine you're in the beginning talking stage with a man who practices ENM. He's telling you that he's emotionally open and ready for commitment. You two speak at length about what kind of partnership you want. He doesn't have an anchor, and neither do you. It's looking like the perfect setup for something real.

"I want to amplify the flow and path of the person I want to be with. GIve them the room to grow in the direction they need, but be close and attentive enough to be nourishing."

"Personally, my life has been an amazing experience so far. And I'm at the point in my life where I have the ability to help someone else thrive through emotional support."

"Do you feel like it's harder to find a connection lately? As the years go by, it seems like it's easier to be distant. While feeling connected via social netowrks."

"My friends can count on me, and often do. Especially for adventures, creativity, and advice."

He talked about gardening like it was spiritual. About life like it was sacred. He didn’t just respond, he reflected. Echoed your depth and matched your warmth.

"Gardening has shown me that you can't force anything and expect beautiful results. It's been a huge learning experience that reflects how people should be treated."

You talked about plans. Picked a day. Shared morning updates. Good night texts. A date was forming, he said. He says he's a bit busy with work and renovations, but if he's making time to talk to you, he must have a good handle on things... Right?

At the meet-up up you spend hours talking and connecting organically. He tells you about buying two properties, including the one you guys are hanging out in. The other he wants to turn into low-income housing for starving artists. It's very admirable.

He talks about his classic car collection and how his job allows him to store it in their garage so he can work on them after hours. How he has a huge chunk of change in the bank and a good credit score. You're sure it's just to impress you, but a man's money has never one time made you wet. It's good to know that he's financially responsible, though.

During one of our online chats, you told him he had Dom vibes. He asked what it was about him that told you that. He tells you he's more of a soft Dom. Which is something that intrigues you.

You learn that he also likes going to raves and festivals where clothing is optional... Then he begins telling you about his hallucinogen use. Shrooms/LSD. He's the artist/nomadic type, so it fit his vibe even if it wasn't something you were into. You tell him you've never tried, and he gets that look in his eyes. One that promises corruption. He throws a little orange chew-looking thing on the table and says you should take it. In his eyes is a challenge. You don't touch it, and he changes the subject completely. Just leaves the option on the table. You don't take it, and he respects you more for it.

Overall... It's a good night. You feel a connection even if it was a bit intense for a first meeting.

After that night, something terrible happens: you start asking questions. Nothing invasive, just standard things anyone in ENM would ask if they like the person they're getting to know. (How many other partners do you have? Are they territorial?) You have experience with the latter, and you wanted to get it out of the way. He doesn't have an anchor, so you figure it would be pretty simple.

He said he's a secondary to a divorcee... They started as friends, but then her marriage went sour, and they filed. That it isn't anything serious.

So when the playful banter between you two starts going into making hypothetical plans (his suggestion at that), and he drops the "not any time soon. I've been so busy, I just can't help but feel like I jumped the gun in trying to socialize" line. It's like a bucket of ice water has been thrown on you. You just say, "fair enough". And leave it at that. And then he comes back saying he'll just focus on trying to make time for you.

This doesn't sit right with you, obviously. So you begin asking pointed questions. Because if he's so busy, how is he making time for the divorcée? All the partying he tells you he likes to do? You can understand established connections being prioritized, but are genuinely curious as to how that works. You ask again if she's someone who would ask him to stop seeing someone she didn't want him with. (You've been through it before) He was evasive in his answer.

"That's a hard question, cuz she's an actual friend, but I planned on dropping the physical part of it eventually."

"She's a close friend, and helps with things from time to time. So we hang out and get stuff done."

"She's looking for her own anchor person."

"I know I'll have to cut off physical things eventually."

So you realize that he's good enough to be her secondary, but not anchor. And from first-hand experience, you know how that stings. You don't even need to ask if he has feelings for her.

You now realize that this man has been trying to condition you to accept the literal bare minimum from him by constantly bringing up how "busy" he is while making time for the connections that matter, even if he isn't being prioritized in them.

Being so "busy," he can't see you, but can go out partying every Friday night.

So when you go out with an old friend that Saturday, tell him for full transparency, and send pics for an outfit check? (Just a pic asking if the outfit was cute.) He goes cold and distant. So later, you sent a text about looking so good that it made him go silent. He sends a pic of his paint-covered hand and says you look way better than him, and how he's sad the weekend is over.

No, "did you have a good night out? Were you safe?" Just that familiar tension. The unspoken you did something wrong energy. Like your joy and freedom... was suddenly a personal offense.

Funny how the man who once said he wanted to uplift you couldn’t even ask how your night went.

And the kicker? It was his house he was painting. He could’ve asked you to come by. Could’ve invited you in. But instead, he stewed in silence and made you feel guilty for not waiting by the door.

“Maybe I should deactivate my dating profile.”

“I’m not good at this right now.”

“Winter was easier. Just joints and couches.”

When you named the shift? When you said, “You came on strong, and now I feel like I’m bothering you…” His response wasn’t accountability.

It was escape.

So it leaves you wondering... Are people really out here using poly to excuse being emotionally present and avoid accountability? You ask him if he's in the lifestyle for the right reasons and get left on read.

Moral of the story?

If he’s “technically secondary,” but treating you like a ghost?

That man is not poly. He’s just hiding his emotional cowardice in the language of freedom.

Welcome to Polyscamory—where the connections are optional, the answers are vague, and the “ethical” part disappears the moment you ask for more than vibes.

If you google it some results come up. I feel like I would have a very hard time because everyone is different. What might be a red flag might be a pink(?) flag for someone else. I think our society likes to conflate a single one flag with "Absolutely stay away at all costs" when it is suppose to be, "Take this into careful consideration and if there are too many red flags then it might be a good idea to stay away." But here are some of the ones that stand out to me.

Overly structured relationships, especially unbalanced ones. It is good to know what we want and polyamory allows us to structure the exact kind of relationship we want. But it also allows great flexibility in our relationships. And if that flexibility is being ignored for complete devotion to a certain structure that can be concerning. These include only dating as a couple, OPP, or coerced mono-polyam partnership. Being really strict about wanting lap-sitting polyamory or Don't Ask Don't Tell also falls under these. As well as Hierarchy vs non-Hierarchy. Maybe they have good reasons to pursue these dynamics, some of which are often very toxic, but never being open to discuss the alternative is even worse than starting off there. I find OPP awful but lots of couples start there when first opening up and quickly transition away from it.

Being too self-centered or selfish. By its nature, polyamory is more community focused than monogamous dyad dating, even if only in a closed triad. I am not saying that polyamorous people need to be selfless charities. But I think a good polyamory person has at least some ability to recognize when their own needs are legitimate met and they can put effort toward or make a sacrifice for someone else that doesn't directly benefit themselves. But a sub-set of polyamorous people can be very selfish. This is where we find the harem seekers, NRE junkies, and the cowboys/cowgirls (we seriously need a better label for that). These people want lots of partners but will manipulate their partners to not pay attention or spend time with their other partners.

Bad relationships with other partners. This one is really tricky and nuisance. Not every polyam relationships require you to meet your metamours, a DADT relationship is controversial but can sometimes work in a healthy way in extreme cases. But even if you don't meet their other partners, if they are always talking bad about them to you that can be a problem. If the other partner is calling to yell at them a lot, that is suspicious. Many couples open up their relationship, realize the initial relationship is really toxic, and want to get out while continuing other polyam relationships. I'm not saying cut those people out to leave them high and dry. But know that their will be additional baggage there. And sometimes the person you are dating is the toxic one, that their other partners are correct to not get along with them. All couples fight so don't judge this on one or two incidents. But if there are no happy moments with their other partners that is a bad sign.

Attraction Principle #8:

The biggest variable between a bitch and a woman who is too nice is fear. The bitch shows that she's not afraid to be without him. I wasn’t asking for too much. A call isn’t too much.

But what I did do was show him how badly I wanted it.

I let him see my frustration when he didn’t call. I let my insecurity creep in, convincing me that if I wasn’t in his schedule, I wasn’t in his life.

So I started making myself more available. I tried to fit into his life instead of living mine. And you know what happened?

He got used to me always being there. He knew I was waiting. He knew I would answer. He knew he had control.

And a man who has control isn’t chasing.

That’s when I realized—he didn’t stop prioritizing me because he was too busy.

A while ago, I got hit up by a girl who’s dating my abusive ex and it basically went like this.

The only difference is its more of an incel basement king than a demon king.