#dark laboratory

Procedure

-Your PI holds a meeting. The lab is running low on funding, you will need to apply for research grants. Someone suggests selling cocaine and meth; hollow laughs fill the air.

-The lab playlist is set to shuffle, yet somehow it keeps rotating between “Hey Soul Sister” by Train and “Toxic” by Britney Spears. No one remembers who noticed this first. No one knows who added these songs. No one even likes these songs. You delete them from the playlist.

-The new student complains that their yields are always low. You ask if they’ve remembered to invoke the protection of Hermes Trismegistus. They laugh and say they don’t believe in superstition. You lock eyes with an older student who gives an apathetic shrug. Everything the new student tries ends up failing. By midterms they’ve left and changed their major.

-You stay late one night to finish cleaning the glassware. It is an endless rhythm of acetone water acetone, acetone water acetone, acetone water acetone. The drying rack was full when you started, but somehow you manage to put all of your dishes up to dry. The sink was empty when you left that night, but it is full when you return in the morning. You stare blankly into the sink as “Toxic” echoes through the lab.

-You head into lab wearing a red shirt. You put on your lab coat and get to work. As you leave 4 hours later, you remove your lab coat and see that you are wearing a blue shirt. This is not the first time this has happened.

-The argon tank is empty. You replace it. The new one is empty as well.

-You carefully write down everything in your notebook. You label all of your printed NMR’s. You label and store all of your flasks and vials. You get back from lunch and can’t remember what you did that morning. “Hey Soul Sister” begins to play.

- It’s 9:30 am: you begin a flash chromatography column. You’re familiar with this compound, you’ve done it dozens of times. It never takes longer than an hour and a half. 10:00 am: 46 fractions; you tlc, but there is still product coming off the column. 11:53 am: 72 fractions; you tlc, but there is still product coming off the column. 12:04 pm: 68 fractions;  you tlc, but there is still product coming off the column. 1:46 pm: 106 fractions;  you tlc, but there is still product coming off the column. 2:15 pm: 124 fractions;  you tlc, but there is still product coming off the column. 3:23 pm: 159 fractions;  you tlc, but there is still product coming off the column. 4:06 pm: 178 fractions; you tlc, the product has finally come off the column.  It’s 4:37 pm: you’ve checked all your fractions and the product is in fractions 7, 33-56, 14, 112, 120-151, and 21. It’s 5:07 pm: you’ve finally finished concentrating the fractions containing your product. Your yield is 18.7%

-The IR spectrometer is broken, a work order has to be submitted. Someone suggests selling cocaine and meth to cover the cost of repairs; there is laughter in the hallway.

-It’s spring break. You’re on a hike with friends. You’d forgotten the smell of sunlight and the taste of fresh air. Someone scrapes their knee and pulls out an alcohol wipe to disinfect it. The smell hits you and you tense up; you know that smell all too well. You shudder and jerk your head up off the desk. You had fallen asleep in the library. You have a physics final in 2 hours. The student at the desk next to you is humming “Toxic.”

-The lab is on its last bottle of deuterated chloroform. It lasts for a week. The next time the labs reaches its last bottle of chloroform it lasts 2 hours.

-The UV VIS spectrophotometer will not work properly unless you dance the macarena as it calibrates. Everyone knows this. No one knows why. We are all pitiful worms who must dance in order to win the favor of the chemistry gods.

-It’s Saturday. You are headed into lab. One of your labmates is sitting in the hallway crying. This is normal. You hear “Toxic” playing over the lab speaker.

-You’re on a date. The coffee is getting cold and the conversation ended a while ago. The cafe is playing an acoustic cover of “Hey Soul Sister.” All you can think about are cross-coupling mechanisms and methylxanthine trivia, but you’re pretty sure you’ve already talked about that.

-You’re flying home for winter break. When you tell the person next to you that you work in a chemistry lab, they ask if you’ve ever made cocaine or meth. Some part of you wishes you had.

-Glass shatters against linoleum. The student at the station next to you is silent, staring. They look up at you with a smile on their lips. The fluorescent ceiling light casts a glare on their safety goggles. You cannot tell if the smile reaches their eyes.

-You are using SciFinder to research a reaction. Somehow, you find yourself looking up how to make cocaine and meth instead.

-Your PI comes over and asks how the research is going. You give them a response and they nod, satisfied. You don’t know what you said. You don’t know what you’re doing. You don’t know what day it is. You checked the clock 15 seconds ago but don’t remember what time it read. You can’t remember if you’ve payed homage to Hermes Trismegistus. “Hey Soul Sister” begins to play and you know that you have angered something.

-One of your labmates keeps a plant on the window sill. You have no idea how it’s still alive. You’ve seen them water it with DCM. You’ve never seen the soil changed. It is healthy. For a moment you wonder if your labmate is mortal. It doesn’t really matter.

-Someone suggests selling cocaine and meth to pay off student loans. They don’t laugh. You can’t tell if it’s a joke.