#dantime

 If I am honest with myself -for once-, I have been avoiding him for more than these few days. I have preferred to ignore how happy it made me to see him when I came to the palace, how he became my only motive to accompany mom. Then I have preferred not to see how worse and worse he looked every time I saw him. I ran away, like a coward. Afraid of what? My feelings toward him probably. Feelings I can’t explain. Maybe that’s what frightens me, that I can’t explain them. That there is always something pushing me toward him for no reason. That this something has become stronger since he kissed me.

 And here I go, thinking about that kiss again. I must look pathetic to the guy reading thoughts. But I can’t help it. My drunk brain didn’t erase that drunk kiss from my memory, and I don’t plan to forget it.

 “I’m scared of his reaction Max… scared he’ll hide even more.”

 What? What? Max? That’s me. Why is she talking to me? What did she say?  "It can’t be so bad.“ I nod to myself. This answer should be okay. Can I go back to this kiss now? My brain was very busy remembering every detail of it, even if it lasted few seconds.

 “He’ll hate me.” Rae goes on. It makes me definitely stop thinking about him. Well not about him in general, but about him kissing me. Oh God why am I unable to make sense even in my head? “I don’t know if I should tell him that I was the one suggesting it.”

 “Will it make a difference with Dante?” I answer. I rather think that the violence of his reaction will depend of the quantity of alcohol in his veins. I wonder if people here noticed how bad he feels. I mean I don’t come super often and I saw it. I had no idea of how deep the problem was -and I probably still don’t. I could criticize them for letting him down… but somehow is that not what I did? I’m not better than the others. Maybe even worse.

 But I’m gonna fix it. I’ve let him down, I won’t do it again. I can’t be aware of his problems and do nothing. I’m gonna fight it for him, with him.

Raena looks at me and bites her lip. “I don’t know with him… he’s hard to read… I guess.” So she doesn’t know. Not as much as I do, at least.

 “It’s gonna be okay.” I reassure her, caressing her arm. Maybe to reassure me too. He’s gonna be okay. “But I can take a bat as a precaution if you want.” Stupid joke. I do that way too often. Like joking about him feeling depressed on the roof. Yeah that was highly stupid. I’m really an idiot.

 Rae smiles anyway -a sad smile. “I hope that won’t be necessary. We’re here anyway.” I am pretty sure my heart stops beating as I face his door. Or maybe it beats faster, I don’t know. I wanna run away again. How can I face him after everything I did -and didn’t do?

 I pretend I don’t hear Rae take a deep breath, or see her shaky hand as she knocks on his door. “Dante? It’s Raena and Max.” Bleh, she doesn’t have to precise I am here too. That will make him run away more than convince him to open. “We need to talk with you.”

 I suddenly realize that he could think that we’re here to talk about his problems. That I told Rae about… his suicide attempt and other troubles. I would never. I promised him not to tell, he trusted me enough to share this secret -awful secret. I can’t betray him like that. I know it would make everything worse.

 “We’ll enter even if you don’t open!” I joke. Again. But I hope that it makes him understand that we don’t come here for a serious reason. Okay the selection is serious, but not as serious.

Rae and I have to wait five minutes and 34 seconds -yes, I counted- for him to open the door. Only his head appears, but I examine him anyway. He still has dark marks under his eyes, but these ones are not red like they were a few days ago. It reassures me a little. Not too much, because his face clearly shows boredom.

 “What?” He asks. I expected a groan honestly.

“Like I said, we need to talk with you, now.” Rae answers, trying to sound confident. She already has the charisma of a queen, even if she probably doesn’t think so.

 Dante notices me half hidden behind his sister. “Oh uhm, hey, Max.” I shouldn’t love the sound of my name when he’s the one saying it. It’s just one syllable for goodness sake.

 I ignore his confused voice and grin, just because it makes me happy to see him. “Hey!”

 He holds the door open. “Fine, come in.”

I feel Rae’s eyes on me. How am I gonna ignore it? I know I’ll look back at her soon and probably blush, which will reveal more than she needs to know. Distraction… I need a distraction… Found it. Dante’s lips. Very efficient. I can only think about how I want to kiss them again now.

 I realize too late that Raena could follow my glance, and look away, only to meet Dante’s black walls. What was happening in his mind to think that black was a nice colour for a room? It’s just… so ugly and depressing.

 “I see you’ve cleaned up your room?”

 Not gonna lie, I am as astonished as Rae. The empty bottles and the piles of dirty clothes are nowhere to be seen (he could still have hidden everything in his closet, I mean, who never did that to pretend they cleaned their room?). As usual, all I find to answer is a stupid joke. “Glad to see you found the energy.”

 “Uhh… yeah.” He replies, staring at the ground. “You said you wanted to talk.”

 “She wants to.” I nod at Rae.

 “Yes, a pretty big thing actually. You might want to sit.”

 If only he had an idea of what’s she about to say… I sit on his bed cross-legged and pat the mattress. “She’s right.”

 “I won’t sit.” Nice. “You’re not pregnant, right?”

 “NO!” Rae screams. That’s weird, I don’t hear her raise her voice very often.

 Dante changes his mind and sits down next to me. I restrain myself from getting even closer to him. “Then what?”

 “Just please don’t get angry.” He raises an eyebrow at my intervention. “You’re seated next to me.” I add. “I am too young to die.”

 He stares at me a little bit stupidly. Yeah, he clearly doesn’t understand what I am doing here. I don’t understand either. “Come on Rae, tell.” He encourages her.

 Rae claps her hands together and takes a deep breath. “T-there will be a Selection, my Selection.”

 “A-are you serious?”

 “The country needs it, I’m doing it for their sake.” Even to me this argument sounds weird.

 “You don’t even want to get married!” Uh oh, he’s getting angry.

 “We should… try to see the good sides?” I smile awkwardly, in a stupid attempt and absolutely useless attempt to calm him down a little.

 “What good sides! Thirty-five men in the palace! There is nothing good about it!”

 “Uhm… People will have work?” All the butlers, and the cooks, and the fashion designers… It’s a lot of jobs created, no?

 “It’s my future, Dante. I will have to see the good parts of it.” Am I the only one who doesn’t like how she talks about it like a duty?

 “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” Dante huffs and crosses his arms. “Was it his idea too?” No need to be a genius to guess he’s talking about Uncle Hayden. This conversation is taking a bad direction, that’s why I try to save it with a distraction worthy of the moron I am. “Oh, nice library! I didn’t notice it last time I came!”

 “Max you were here last time?!” Does she need to know we got drunk together and kissed? Hmmm, no. Definitely not.

 Okay, sorry Rae, but I’m gonna let you deal with that alone. “Just… forget I’m here. It’s probably better. Just… talk to each other.”

 “Don’t ignore me Raena! Was it dad’s idea to do this?” My distraction didn’t even work. Shutting up is really the best solution apparently.

 “It wasn’t, I suggested it because I tried to be a good daughter.”

 When I try to be a good daughter, I just let some bacon to dad. We really live in two different worlds.

 “By screwing up your life! You don’t owe them anything!” He looks at me. “And you’re fine with this?”

 I stiffen at the tone of his voice. He sounds like he’s disgusted by me, but it doesn’t make me lose my countenance. “Not really, but I try to accept it.” It’s her decision, not ours.

 “Calm down, okay.” Rae places a hand on his shoulder. Surprisingly he doesn’t chase it away. “I’ll ask him to keep them away from you. You won’t even notice they’re here.”

 “Is this what you want, Rae?” He looks her in the eye, not giving up until she answers him.

 “I don’t know yet. Maybe I will. The only thing I have to ask from you is to be there at tomorrow at the report… Mom would like that as well.”

 He doesn’t even think about it, replying just a second after. “No, I’m not doing that.”

 “Why not? She’s your sister!” I imagine Lex here in this room. She would probably scream something about the importance of supporting siblings, that family is what matters the most. Good thing that he wasn’t in the library with us when Rae first announced us.

 “You know why… you both know.”

 I cross my arms. Even if I sympathise, this is still one the most important of her life. She needs him to be part of it. “And right now, I find it stupid! She needs your support!”

 “It will be ten minutes Dan, please.” Rae insists

 He suddenly drops his rebel attitude, hiding his face in his hands, showing how frightened it really makes him. “I-I can’t. It has been months since I last appeared on television…“ Okay. I melt. Totally.

I glance at Rae, holding back what I desperately want to do: hug him. What would she think? She doesn’t even understand why I’m here (which is normal actually).Oh and fuck. He feels too bad, I can’t let him like that. Rae can conclude what she wants, I shouldn’t care. I place a hand on his shoulder. “You could stay in the public with us… Five minutes that’s all!”

 Rae kneels in front of him. “Please Dante. I’m begging you.”

 He looks at her, then at me. “You promise it’s less than ten minutes?”

 “Promise!”

 “Really less, I’ll talk fast.” She smiles.

 “For you…”

 Rae glances relieved at me. “Thank you.” I blush immediately. I didn’t do anything special.

 I nudge Dante gently. “You’ll be able to make fun of me and all.”

 “Why would I do that?” He frowns.

 “Cause I’ll have to wear makeup… and a dress… And probably heels too.” Lex will never let me go there in flats. “It will be ridiculous.”

 “You’ll look great.” He smiles faintly, which makes me blush really hard.

 Rae suddenly stands up, I tilt my head at her widened eyes. “I… uhm have lots of work to do. I’ll see you around dinner.”

 I glance at Dante. I don’t want to go now. “Oh… uhm.” I hook my hair behind my ear. “I… maybe I should leave too.” I’m supposed to be here to support Rae, not use it as an excuse to spend more time with him.

 But Raena leaves the room quickly, a grin stuck on the face.

 “You’re going?” Dante asks with a frown. Well, since she didn’t wait for me…

 “Nah.”

 Even after she’s gone, her Selection is the only thing Dante thinks about. We talk about it for a little while, even though we drift on his need to drink for the report at some point. He claims he can’t do it without, it breaks my heart to hear it. He became so dependent, and we’ve let it happen.

“Thank you for being there for her.”

 “Always.” Even if I’m clearly not good in advice (and especially not love advice), I can try to help her. She’ll need all of us.

 “I wish I could do that more often.”

 “You can, you accepted to come to the report after all.”

 “Yeah I did.”

 “So you can be there for her.” I smile at him, and it seems to be enough to make him smile back. I feel a flutter in my stomach at the thought that he has this expression thanks to me. I can make him smile. I think like a twelve-year-old girl with her first crush. And I absolutely don’t care. I hope my face doesn’t show my silly thoughts too much though. But he still has that small, shy smile that I already love, so I guess I can be as unreadable as Lex when I want to.

 “It’s a step in the right direction, huh?” He asks me.

 “Yep. I’m proud of you.”

 I didn’t think that simple sentence would make him blush. “Y-you are?” He must not hear that often.

 “You’re making efforts. Or you’re trying to.” I am maybe too optimistic, about approximately everything, but what’s going on doesn’t come from my imagination. It will go slowly, but he’ll find the end of the tunnel, I know it.

 “I do it, mostly for you…” Me? Why me? No, no, he just means you as… me and Raena! Must be that. “You are one of the few who have faith in me.”

 Yeah, he definitely doesn’t hear compliments often.

 “Y-you should do firstly for you.” Is all I find as answer, my cheeks more red than Lex’s lipstick. I chase her away from my thoughts, trying to stay as much normal as I can and not melt on the floor, which becomes impossible when he leans closer to me. How hot is this room exactly? Or is it only him?

 “W-what if I do it for the both of us?” Us. As in him and me. Stagdianak.

 “Why would you do it for me?” I whisper. I’m honestly unable to determine if it’s because my voice will turn very high pitched if I talk louder or if it’s because he’s making me lose it.

 “Because I lo… care a lot for you, and I don’t want you to be concerned about me all the time.” He’s not making me lose my voice. Just my mind. I stay silent maybe for too long (I can’t think, so talking, you’re asking me too much), and he adds. “Max, I mean it, you shouldn’t be so worried about me.”

 “But I can’t help it. I’m worried about you.” Obsessed about you, I add internally, which I hopefully don’t say aloud. That would just ruin the moment. He doesn’t need to be remembered I am a psycho like the rest of my family.

 He cups my cheek. It’s warm and sends tickles in my whole body. And I fucking like it. So if he dares pull it away now, I swear I’ll make a mess. (Okay this is actually impossible since I am not able to move anymore.) “I’m asking you not to, you only set yourself with a problem that isn’t yours.”

 “You’re my problem, Dante.” I talk without thinking (like always, you’d say), but this is true on so many levels that I don’t regret it. I place my hand on his to insist on my statement. He’s my problem too now, and I won’t let him down.

 “Then I’ll try to be an easy one.” He bites his lip -very hot by the way- before kissing me. Okay, this is clearly better than the drunk one. Maybe because I am aware of everything, from the taste of his lips and the way they move in rhythm with mine to the tingles it sends in my whole body, making me want more of his touch, of him. I wrap my arms around his neck as he laces his fingers through my hair. I would kiss him all day if I could, even if the lack of oxygen would kill me before. At least I would die happy.

 Dante pulls slightly away, resting his forehead against mine. If I lean just a bit, I could kiss him again…

 “W-was that… okay?”

 I nod, not able to do much more. Eyes closed, I listen to his fast breathings mixing with mines. I’ve never been kissed like this before. I’ve never felt nothing and everything at the same time. But it’s different with him. Everything is different with him.

 A good kiss has meaning, he told me on the roof. Can I call it like this? Did it have… meaning? For him like for me?

 “Dante?” I ask softly, opening my eyes slowly. He is staring at me, and I blush at the idea he could have been doing that for a while.

 “Y-yes?”

 “Did it have meaning?” I look into his brown eyes, searching the answer there. Please tell me that you felt it too, I beg him silently. That you still do.

 “I meant it, with all I am.” He answers, his eyes not leaving mines.

 It’s stupid, very stupid, but it makes me want to cry. I can’t place the emotion in his eyes, but I don’t question it too much, kissing him again. It gets more passionate than our first kiss, both of us lying down the bed. He starts trailing soft kisses down my neck, as I cling to his arms, breathing faster despite myself. Some part of me which still thinks normally reminds me that this is going a bit fast, and I can’t help but ignore it, especially when he whispers against my sensitive skin. “I really mean this Max, I won’t ever hurt you…”

 “Really?” The image of someone else pops up in my mind, someone I’d prefer to forget. Dating him was a mistake. In total opposition, being with Dante feels so right. I shouldn’t compare them, but I guess Ken let me more after-effects than I want to admit it. It would mean giving too much importance to a relationship I started solely to forget the boy currently kissing me.

 Doesn’t change the fact that he hurt you.

 I’m really an idiot.

 Dante looks deeply in my eyes and it’s enough to make me forget my thoughts. “I couldn’t… you’re too good for me.”

 “I’m not.” If only he knew how bad I actually am. I cup his cheeks -badly shaven, but I don’t mind- and kiss him. “Don’t say that again.”

 “Sorry, I won’t.” He kisses me again, but stops few seconds later to mutter. “Y-you’re the first one ever who makes me feel like this…”

 I can only blush. “I’ve never felt that either…” But I know for sure that I don’t love it because it’s new and fresh. It’s too deep for that.

 He kisses me once more, before sitting up straight. I blink two seconds. Wait, it’s over?

 “Sorry again for being so difficult with my sister, I didn’t expect the both of you in my room…”

 He just mentioned Raena. Yeah, it’s definitely over.

 I adjust my clothes. “I wanted to come with her.. to support you.”

 “Does she know? That-we… uhm.”

 “No, I didn’t tell anyone…” Even if the way Rae left the room makes me wonder if she doesn’t have doubts. “Except Lex.” I add quickly, looking down. Lex who will scream when I tell her what has just happened. She’s able to come threaten him with a bat just because “mom’s not here so I have to do her job.”

 “What did she say?” He only asks.

“That it was too early after… him.” Technically, it is. It’s been only two weeks. But what pushes me towards Dante is too strong to keep me away.

 “W-we don’t have to be anything you know? Not right now I mean.”

 “What are we then?” That can’t be nothing.

 He shrugs lightly and looks at me. I know what he is going to ask before he says it. “What do you want us to be?”

 “I don’t know. But I don’t want us to be anything.”

 I realize I didn’t express myself correctly when he replies sadly. “Oh… right.”

Fuck Max, just take English classes, you’re hopeless. “I mean,” I gesture weirdly, trying to make him understand something I can’t even explain to myself, “I would like us to be something… I just don’t know what.”

 Or I know what, but it frightens me.

“I don’t want to rush you into something you might not be ready for. Not after… him. I care too much about you to let that happen.”

“I think I just need some time…” I actually don’t know if I need time. I guess I do, at least to fix some things in my head. I can’t let things go further than they already are if I still have some fears.

 “Of course.” He says, turning away, which hurts me more than it should. He gives me what I claim I need to have, and I don’t like it. I’m such a great person. “Take as much time as you need.”

 “I’m sorry, Dante.” I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him from behind. I want to chase his sadness away. Sadness I just provoked.

 He turns around and pulls me to his chest, kissing my temple. How can he still be so gentle with me when I tell him such things? “Don’t apologise, not for me. I want you to be happy, that’s the only thing that matters.”

 I am happy now, in his arms. But instead I say. “What about your happiness? You deserve to be happy.”

 He looks down at me, smiling sadly. “I haven’t been happy in a long time, Max… You are making it better but still… it is an impossible task it seems.”

 A part of me wants to get angry at his words, at that despair that keeps dragging him down. “It’s possible, I’m sure of it.” I kiss his cheek softly, as if to mark this promise. We’ll make it possible.

 He brushes his thumb over my lip. “Could you ever not have faith in me?”

 “I’ll always have faith in you. Always.” Even when I shouldn’t, especially when I shouldn't… because I know he can do it.

 “Thank you… Is it okay if I grab that bottle of whiskey again?” Wait… what? He’s really asking that now? Right after this conversation? Seriously?

 “No. But we didn’t start my plan so…”

 “You were serious about that plan? He sounds a little… shocked.

 “Of course! I read many books about it in the library.” It’s not because I was drunk that I forgot about it. For once it seems that I even got a good idea.

 “You read books about alcohol?”

 Do these even exist?

 I feel like I am setting a time bomb about to explode when I answer. “About alcoholism.”

 “I am not a alcoholic. I just like to drink, a lot.”

 “Dante, it’s basically the definition of alcoholism.” Maybe I am being too harsh. Telling him straightforwardly his condition isn’t the best way to make him realise it and accept it. But what other solution do I have? I cannot possibly let it go on.

 He pulls lightly away from me. The sudden disappearance of his warmth makes me feel like I am leading that fight alone. He won’t help me save him. “No, that’s not true.” He’s even more denying than I thought.

 “You’re dependent, Dante.” I insist. Why does he refuse to see the obvious?

 He stands up. “I’m not and if you’re not drinking then I’ll finish it on my own.” And now he even contradicts himself in the same fucking sentence.

 “Are you kidding me? You wanted to drink two fucking bottles before going to the report! You said you couldn’t do it without it! It’s dependence!”

 “I do what the fuck I want Max! I won’t survive tomorrow’s report without it okay? Maybe I’m addicted, I can live with it!”

 I finally stand up to face him, but honestly, I am too short to look very charismatic. My words don’t seem to have an impact on him either, even if just saying them makes me want to cry. “No, you can’t! It destroys you!” Maybe it already did.

 “Maybe it should!”

“No, it should certainly not!” I wonder why I even try… he’ll always stay in his darkness and hopelessness. He seems to think about the same thing, as he says. “This is what I meant Max! I don’t want this for you! I’m not worth your time nor your love!”

 Nor your love. I repeat these words in mind. Maybe it’s what I feel about him, even after months, almost years, of distance. It would explain why we act like that towards each other, why I refuse so stubbornly to give up on him.

 “This is how you keep the others away? By telling them you’re worthless? You’re not! And I’ll do anything to prove it to you!” Please listen to me Dante. Please, please, please.

 He chews on his lips, the tears in his eyes reflecting my own. “Don’t try and just leave Max. Now you can.”

 “No, I won’t leave. Never.” And certainly not when he’s the one asking me to leave.

 “Why would you torture yourself with me? Don’t you understand that I won’t make you happy, I can’t even take care of myself!”

 “Stop saying I can’t be happy with you! I can, you already made me happy!” Other words almost escaped from my mouth, but they stayed in, not ready to show up.

 Dante wipes his tears away with a frustrated expression. “How?” He doesn’t believe that he can provoke this kind of feelings in someone. If only he let me show him…

 I blush slightly as I rub my arm. “When you kissed me… when you took care of me during my hangover… when we were on the roof.” And before that too. When I came here just to see him and it left me in a good mood for at least two days. He’s always been able to make me happy. And even if he wasn’t,I’d do everything to stay by his side, whatever he gives me back.

 He takes my face into his hands and I hold back a sigh of relief at the touch. Maybe I am winning this. “But I can’t promise you to make you feel like that all the time. And you deserve that, you deserve to be happy all the damn time of your life.”

 “I don’t want to be happy all the time. It’s not worth it if you’re not happy too.”

 He looks down. “I-I’ll never be truly happy, not with this life.”

 “Then change it.” I whisper back. It’s probably a shitty advice, clearly easier to say than to accomplish, but not impossible either.

 “What if I can't…”

 “We’ll do it together.” I won’t give up anyway, even if I have to carry on alone, I’ll do it to save him.

 He leans down to kiss me softly. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

 “You uhm… existed?” I smile faintly, glad to see that the fight is behind us. For now.

 “Must be something else.” I hear him mumble, but he goes on too quickly to let me time to answer. “But… let me have one glass tomorrow, to calm my nerves. One glass is all I’m asking.”

 I let out a sigh. And I thought it was over for today. But it’s impossible to make it stop right away. It’s like drugs, if we reduce the quantity gradually, it should be easier to wean him off, right? “Just one, you promise?”

 “I’ll try to.”

 “Okay.” I peck his lips. “Okay.” He kisses me back and it quickly degenerates again. But the taste of his skin and his lips is just so good, I can’t get enough of it. Though I know it’s going too fast, I don’t care. I just want him and it’s stronger than my reason.

 “Max… Max look at me.”

 I look up at his perfect face. “What?”

 “I’m in love with you Max, and it scares me. I’m afraid I’ll hurt you if I keep you close.”

 I think I gasp. Or I blink. Or I do both. I don’t know. I am only aware of the words he said, those crazy words that can’t express the truth, or only partly. Words I am not able to pronounce yet, not even in my mind. I cup his cheek, hoping that the gesture means enough, knowing it doesn’t. “You’ll hurt me more if you keep me away.”

 “I don’t want to… Max, are you entirely sure?” He’s more afraid of hurting me than of his own demons. “Because I’m afraid I’ll hurt you either way.”

 I place two fingers on his lips to make him stop talking. “Shh… don’t be scared of that, you won’t.”

 Dangerous statement, I know, but I want to chase his doubts so much… he doesn’t need those.

 He kisses my fingers and the tenderness of the gesture is enough to make butterflies appear in my stomach. “I know you don’t want me say it but I really don’t deserve someone as loving and kind as you.”

 “Say it as much as you want, I won’t listen.”

 “Then will you kiss me?”

 “Maybe.” I smile.

 He smiles back, softly. “Come here.” He mutters against my lips, before kissing me passionately. When we part, he smiles again, a little and hopeful smile. He looks so adorable that it makes my heart melt instantly. “I promise you, I’ll do my best to change. Old habits are hard to get rid of.”

 “I believe in you.” It’s going to be a titanic task, but nothing’s impossible.

 “I believe that you can really help me.”