#dannyproblems

I realize I'm screaming into the void here, but if I don't, it won't leave my head and if I were to post about it on like fb or something people would laugh and ignore me. At least here it can be ignored without mockery.

I've been working on trying to get better sleep this week, which has been tough given the fact I've been getting off at my latest possible time and coming back at the earliest. All I've been doing is working then sleeping then working again, bar thurs and sat which also had gym afterwards. That's helped blow off steam for sure, but even with this clarity that comes from exercise, it isn't helping my depressive issues.

I've been hanging out more and doing more things that get me away from the house, and it's nice but at the end of the day I have to come back and face the reality of being a fucking boomerang kid with heart disease stuck in a dead end minimum wage job who has little to offer anyone or even himself anymore. The thoughts have been creeping up lately too, and while I know I'd never have the guts to do it, they won't go away either. Everyone I'm friends enough with too even dates, and here I am, the weird looking fat kid with the offputting personality that no one ever even talks to. I just literally spent the last half hour or so curled up in a ball being tired, sad, and just... tired of everything. Tired of things always snapping back to the way they were before I even started. Tired of being trapped in such a position. Tired of always being in my own damn company. Tired of being alone, of feeling alone, all that.

I even put myself off social media for the workweek to focus on other things. It was nice, and less of a distraction I guess. Things that normally woulda been put off got done at least. As of right now I've got a couple more important things to do, and then I've earned the right to chill just like I did in January. But dealing with the crazy first-of-the-month workweek was hellish... Almost like last year round this time. I replaced venting to others with running my frustrations over with an elliptical machine.

Last month was great but it was just very busy. I had shows almost every week, and had several paying ones too. This never happens, but it was encouraging to finally be a successful local act for a brief moment. Now I'm back to square one: nothing stable this month beyond an art walk on the 15th. And yet all my friends are faring better than I... They're all getting these opportunities and all I seem to get is snubbing and typecasting cuz dog forbid an act actually have an amusing onstage candor. It's the same old problem that's dogged me for many years but I just really hate having to deal with it.

Yet the thoughts keep creeping up. Tired me from last week kept dealing with a wave of "why haven't you hung yourself already" sorts of thoughts and even on proper sleep they're still there. I feel miserable, and I'm masking it heavily. The best part is is that no one notices. I feel like a washed up failure that people only tolerate cuz they have to, alone, forced to live with slightly judgemental parents, trapped in a never-ending cycle where while some days are better than others, at the end it'll all just repeat itself again.

Editing vocals is such a tedious task; literally the hardest part of producing for me

Had some time to work out today and get back on the ball with it since I took a short break this month. The nice thing about exercising is really the peace and quiet that comes from the focus and those good endorphins you get afterwards that keep you feeling great. During today's treadmill time I got to thinking about a few things.

A proper social media detox would be a heavenly idea. I mean, right now I've had to pivot more towards my physical health than music due to this whole head injury and resulting consequences of it. I'm not getting booked as-is. Ignoring the inevitable focus on one's mortality or getting sucked into a cognitive distortion thinking you really don't have much left in the hourglass, what am I really doing here? Besides updating those who want to know about my particulars, ofc. It's so easy to get sucked into doomscrolling and executive dysfunction from just endlessly staring at these screens. Hell, I spent 2024 mostly bedrotting and deteriorating cuz I couldn't put the phone down. Comparison is the thief of joy and sometimes social media does a great job of that.

There's positives though… I mean, I did meet Nikki through social media, I did make a lot of friends and acquaintances through it, and I am notoriously bad at keeping in touch with others and this does that job with aplomb. It's helped get more eyes on my creative ventures than anything else I've ever done. Pretty sure it helped me win a MAMA once too, so there's that.

But a detox is regularly on my mind. I lose so much focus, it's crazy. I've recently deleted the apps off my phone in an attempt to do better too, only reinstalling some when it's time to give an update or share something really important. It's easy to get sucked into the loop. Maybe when this blows over I can slip out of the loop for a mo.

It'd be nice to work on little side projects once that Soup or Man thing is done too, if only cuz I can do it for me lol

Anyways, if you actually read all this goofy rambling, thanks for your time. Please appreciate this new mashup shirt I got from Favorite Vegetable.

2019 has been a rough year. A lot of it has been chock full of dealing with unexpected hardships, most of them financial this time instead of emotional. I've had to deal with a slowly dying car that's been misfiring constantly since February and it's been a real pain. The money I was trying to save for replacing it went forcibly into buying new brakes for it (because an oil change revealed I had a nail in a tire, then was told they couldn't replace the tire without doing the brakes) hit me hard, then around the same time I managed to get kidney stones somehow and was forced to go to the ER because I am very paranoid about my physical health and found blood in places you shouldn't see it at. I lost a good 3k out of this. At the same time I also got screwed over by my job, who decided in their "core hours" package that I, someone's who's been working since the store opened, should only get 15 hours a week. It only got better because someone got fired and the hours I should've been getting were given back to me.

I still haven't made that money back.

I was also seeing a therapist still, but during this period of insecurity, she kept calling out due to illness almost every session booked. Good lord, that really hurt. I suppose being forced to handle it on my own did teach me something though, and I've also learned to adapt cognitive behavioral therapy to what I have to deal with too. Still... it would've been nice to have had the reassurance and help, and while it was offered to me multiple times to switch therapists, I felt that I couldn't do it because it meant having to explain my mental state all over again, and for some of the issues that put me in therapy in the first place, I had already overcome them.

I'm supposedly at the endgame of regular sessions now, but once again, I keep getting bailed on even for the final regular session.

I regained some of my confidence as a musician back, mercifully, but once again, financial woes keep me from finishing what I started. I've been working on a new single that I recorded in an actual studio with some friends, and literally the only thing stopping me is that. Hemmoraghing money for most of the year is not fun, especially when you're trying to find stability AND get your priorities down. As a positive, though, I did team up with my old bassist and make something work with him and his drummer pal and do an actual, confident-enough show with a band for the first time in six years... it just took most of a year, much to my discomfort, because the drummer was also a total beginner and had difficulties with just having a go at things and I had no other viable options. I started playing more in the Sacramento area too, but briefly due to my car crippling itself and me being everyone's ride, typically.

It's almost December and I'm past sick of the inconveniences, but I just can't feel anything about it anymore either. I am literally incapable of it now. I'm at a strange point now with it all to where it's both a good and bad thing that I'm feeling numb about it. I felt like I was drifting with nowhere to go ten years ago, and here we are ten years later and I'm still drifting.