#damonsinsanity

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I call Damon first thing in the morning. I’m still in bed, half asleep, but I don’t want him to go to Athens without me. The night was uneventful and dreamless – which is disappointing, to my surprise.

“Morning, sunshine,” he says cheerfully, and I smile at the endearment.

“Hi. Where are you?” I pause, frowning. “You’re not sitting at my door again, are you?”

He chuckles. “No, sorry, no surprise visits planned yet. I’ve been talking to Stefan, and he’s awfully unwilling to go to Athens with us.”

That last part makes me feel all warm and giddy, because he implies I am going, so he doesn’t try to keep me out of the loop. I can actually help him save Ric.

“That’s strange,” I say instead. “So… it’s just the two of us?”

“Looks like it. Unless you have objections to us spending some quality time together.”

“Quality time? I thought we would be looking through ancient witch books.”

He huffs. “Ouch. You suggest that my company is not good enough to make it count as quality time? I’m hurt.”

I laugh and shake my head even though he can’t see it. “When are we meeting?”

“In a while. Don’t go anywhere.”

When I hang up, I feel strangely nervous and excited. I jump off the bed and take a shower, humming as I wash my hair and pick the chocolate-scented body wash. Normally, I only use it when I need some serious cheering up, but today, it just feels like a good idea.

I go through my morning routine as slowly as I can, because it seems like the moment I lose control, I’ll start feeling anxious and jumpy all over again. I clasp the bra and find a comfy pair of jeans. When I bend to the bottom drawer to get a pair of socks, I feel a chill move across my skin and a quiet screech of the window as it opens. A moment later, an arm sneaks around my waist, and if I weren’t a vampire, I would probably freak out.

“Well, you tried,” I say, straightening myself, hopelessly trying to sound casual. His fingers dance on my waist lightly, and I shiver, exhaling way too loudly. I try to turn around, but he holds me in place and leans in, nuzzling my shoulder and up the length of my neck. I’m pretty sure I've stopped breathing altogether.

“God, you smell incredible.” He inhales deeply and plants a butterfly kiss on the side of my neck. “How’d you guess this chocolaty thingy is my favorite?” With every word, his breath caresses my skin, and I’m moments away from leaning on him.

“Lucky guess?” I offer, happy that my voice didn’t tremble, at least.

He chuckles and steps away, leaving me significantly warmer than I should be in October wearing a bra. I take a deep breath, because what just happened is probably no big deal in the scope of our relationship, and he’s already seen me in a bra, and without one, too, I suppose. Still, I dare to face him only when I’ve found a shirt in the closet and put it on. He’s watching me intently, which doesn’t help me calm down at all. I lick my lips nervously, and his eyes gleam.

Oh my God, this trip is going to kill me.

He bites his lip and smiles, clearly enjoying my frustration. “We have to leave as soon as we can. The drive is about seven hours.”

Seven hours alone with Damon in the car. Awesome.

“I’ll just get my stuff.”

He starts saying that he could help me pick the change of underwear, but I roll my eyes and push him out of the door. I still hear him laughing as I get a bag and pack some things I need for the trip (including a really boring set of underwear). I put on a jacket, take the bag and brace myself.

This is going to be interesting.

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I lock the door and go outside to find Damon next to a shiny black car I don’t recognize.

“It’s temporary,” he explains. “Sadly, my Camaro still needs some work, which is a shame, since that car has a lot of memories.”

He wiggles his eyebrows for emphasis, and I look away, unsure how to react to Damon’s casual innuendo about us having sex in his car. He smirks and opens the door for me, the gesture easy and natural.

Seven. Hours.

Damon gets into the car, too, and starts the engine. “You can sleep if you want,” he says, but I shake my head.

“No, it’s fine. I think we need to talk. You could fill me in on some other stuff I forgot.”

He smiles wistfully. “Yeah, I guess I could. But it won’t be the same, will it? You won’t know what you felt, or why you felt it. You will hear only my side of the story.”

“But your side of the story is important, too,” I argue. “Damon, is there anyone who can tell me more about our life together than you?”

This time he offers a real, happy smile, and I’m mesmerized for a moment.

“Do you remember Tessa, also known as Qetsiyah? The witch who told us that you and Stefan had this supernatural doppelganger bond?”

“Yeah.” I’m sure I don’t remember the whole story correctly, but I know that part.

“Once she told me that you and I didn’t stand a chance against destiny, against the universe. And I told you that, and you frowned in this really adorable way and asked, ‘What does she know about us?’ And you know, you were right. She didn’t. No one did… or does. At the end of the day, it's only about us.”

He’s watching the road, so he can’t look at me, but I can watch him all I want and enjoy the look on his face every time he talks about our relationship. All sadness and nostalgia disappear from it, leaving only this almost reverent expression, full of warmth and wonder.

“That night when we danced and kissed, and never stopped… what happened after that?”

“Well, you fell asleep at some point. I went downstairs to clean up, because you broke a lamp in the parlor, and there were clothes all over the staircase.” I flush, and he chuckles. “In the morning, you woke up first, and you were late for school… so we only had sex once more.”

I cough uncomfortably, and he glances at me, eyebrow raised. “Elena, if we’re going to talk about us, you need to get over the embarrassment. We had sex. A lot. It was amazing. It wasn’t why we fell in love with each other, but, well, didn’t hurt.” He does his eye thing, which I remember I found annoying, but it has a strange effect on me now and really doesn't help my frustration. “Anyway, after you went to school, Stefan showed up and told me about the sire bond, and well, that effectively ruined everything.”

“Why?” That part is really vague in my mind. I just remember hating the idea of being controlled by him, but I don’t think he actually did anything to me, other than screwing up my blood diet and then fixing it.

“Because I couldn’t trust that your feelings for me were real and not because of the damn bond. Everything between us has to be real, Elena. Otherwise it’s not worth it.”

I inhale sharply, because the way he says it somehow makes us more important. Monumental. Damon mistakes my awe for anxiety and reaches out to take my hand, smiling reassuringly.

“But we got through it. We survived.”

“Before I screwed up and lost all that,” I say bitterly, and he sighs.

“We’re together now, aren’t we?”

I bite my lip, because it doesn’t seem like he’s talking about us sitting in the same car. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but what are we to each other, precisely? The girl he loves who erased him from her memory after he died. The guy I loved whom I can’t remember loving.  I don’t think there’s even a definition for this relationship.

“Elena?”

“You know,” I start, watching him to gauge his reaction, “us, now, it’s kind of like we’re dating. I mean, the whole situation is really strange, but we spend time together while I try to figure out what I feel and if things work between us, so…”

He smiles. “Yeah, sounds like dating to me.”

“Does that work for you?” I ask, and he lets go of my hand to caress my hair instead.

I go to my dorm room in the evening, suddenly nervous. I don’t know if I’m more afraid that Damon will be there or that he won’t. Just in case, I pull out a mirror and smooth my hair, refresh the lip gloss and check if the eyeliner still looks fine.

This is just ridiculous.

I go into the room and look around me carefully, tapping into vampire senses. After half a minute of careful inspection, it’s obvious Damon isn’t here. I let out a sigh without meaning to, trying my hardest to ignore a sharp pang of disappointment resonating in my stomach.

It’s not like I actually enjoy watching him go out of his way to get me to like him, right? And it’s not like he owes it to me to come here… What the hell, I should actually be worried about his promise to violate my privacy, not encourage it and, well, obsess over it like I’m doing now.

I focus on mundane things. Drink some blood and get into the shower. When I get out, I wrap a towel around myself, brush my teeth and run my fingers through my hair, smoothing it a little. Then I go back into the room, loosening the towel on my way.

“Don’t stop on my account.”

I stifle a shriek and grasp the towel before it can fall. Of course this is when he would show up, lying on my bed, fully clothed and wearing shoes like he has not a care in the world. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Damon rolls his eyes. “Hanging out. Seriously though, you should get dressed. I’ll turn away. I’ll even go to the bathroom if you want. Never mind I’ve seen everything. Actually, not only seen...”

My face feels like it’s on fire, but I manage to cross my arms and keep the towel in place. “You promised you wouldn’t push.”

He grows serious. “Yeah, I know. Sorry.” He rolls over and clamps one hand over his eyes. “Your virtue is safe.”

I’m not sure how much I can trust him to stay that way, but well, he has a point. It’s not like he’s never seen me naked. Listening for any signs of movement from him, I drop the towel and put on the most boring PJs I own, because I don’t want Damon to get any ideas. They’re still pretty revealing, though, and it’s hard to miss how his eyes rake over my body when I finally give him permission to face me again.

I get under the covers and turn to him, and he settles more comfortably on top of the covers, kicking off the shoes. Guess he assumed I’m letting him stay – which I’m really not sure about, but well, I haven’t kicked him out yet, and I did say I wanted to spend time with him.

He just lies there quietly, his gaze never leaving me, and I have to put considerable effort into not fidgeting. Maybe he did that when we were together, and I was fine with just looking at each other and not saying a word, but now, the silence feels kind of awkward. To me, at least.

“So… how was your day?” I ask lamely, because yeah, that’s the best I can come up with.

He gives a lazy half-shrug. “Unexciting. I mean, my morning was kinda awesome.” He winks. “But then I just buried myself in ancient witch books Stefan collected to see how we can bring Ric to life. Or undead…ness. Whichever.”

I perk up at that, propping my head on my hand, even though I know it’ll kill my wrist. “Really? What did you find?”

He shakes his head, wincing slightly. “Nothing yet. I think we’ve read every magic book in the freaking state. But there’s this library in Athens that Bonnie heard of, so I’ll go there tomorrow and check it out.”

“Athens? In Greece?”

“No, Athens, Georgia,” he specifies with a smirk. “Supposedly, there should be some rare magic books.”

“I’ll go with you,” I say. “It’s enough that I was useless while everyone else worked on saving you, I can’t do nothing when Ric needs help.”

Damon smiles slightly, and I narrow my eyes. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just… a road trip to Georgia brings back some memories.” I frown, because that does sound familiar, but I can’t figure out why. “You don’t remember, do you?” asks Damon and winces when I shake my head. “Yeah, didn’t think so.”

“So tell me!” I reach out with my free hand and grab his arm. “Damon, I may not remember it, but I do want to know.”

So he does. He tells me about what he refers to as “our first road trip,” saving me after a car crash and “kidnapping” me – he makes sure to use air quotes. Afterwards, apparently, I was a major pain in the ass, then managed to get drunk and save his life. Seems like an eventful day.

“Why didn’t you just take me home? Because you wanted to unnerve Stefan?” I ask, and he smiles mischievously, wiggling his eyebrows.

“That, too. But also because I thought it might turn out kinda fun. I’d suspected you couldn’t be as righteous and uptight as you wanted to look all the time. And well, you didn’t disappoint.”

I roll my eyes at the dubious compliment, but smile anyway. “Is that what it took us to fall in love?”

I don’t miss his sharp intake of breath at the word as he shakes his head. “No. You were still in the unicorns-and-rainbows phase with Stefan, and I was still hung up on Katherine like an idiot.”

“That part I remember.”

“Too bad. Not the best time of my life.”

I scoot a fraction closer. “What is the best time of your life?”

His gaze drifts lower, lingering at my lips. “Is it too cheesy if I say it’s the time when we were together?”

I smile. “That’s… nice to hear.”

Damon keeps looking at me with this undivided attention, like I’m the only thing in his world. “After you turned, pretty soon you had to move into the boarding house. Jeremy became a vampire hunter and you couldn’t live at home any more, since he kinda wanted to kill you. Do you remember that?”

I think about it. “Vaguely. I remember it was kind of awkward with Stefan, because we’d just broken up, but I don’t remember what you were doing.”

He smiles bemusedly. “Well… Will it be too much if I say you moved into my room? Also known as our room.”

I should have expected that, because I have been told that we got together after I turned and broke up with Stefan, but now that he puts it that way, I realize it was almost two years ago.

It’s been so long, and that makes it scarier. My memories about the time before that have been changed, too, but cutting all the moments with Damon after we got together… well, that means I kind of lost the last two years of my life.

“How did that happen?” I ask, trying to sound teasing and carefree, though I really, really want to know. He smiles and closes his eyes.

“When you came to the boarding house that night, Stefan left.” I nod, because I remember that part. “I was there, though. We talked about Jeremy, about you, had some bourbon, reminisced a bit.”

“Like now?”

He nods with a smile. “Yeah, kind of. Then we danced. We’ve always loved dancing together. At some point, we kissed… and we didn’t stop.”

He opens his eyes again, and I’m startled by their intensity. It feels like he’s looking right into me, like he can see all my secrets at once. Part of me wants to run, but an even bigger part doesn’t want to go anywhere.

Damon reaches out and strokes my cheek with his fingers. “God, I really want to kiss you now.”

I should remind him about the whole not pushing me thing and kick him out, but instead, something completely different happens without my permission.

“So do it.”

He hesitates just a little before moving closer, and I close my eyes as I feel his breath on my skin. He’s taking it slowly, his lips only brushing against mine at first, soft and unsure, but still sending sparks through my body. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer as I open my mouth over his.

And he stops.

“Damon-”

He presses his forehead against mine, breathing uneven. “I think going any further would officially count as pushing you.”

He’s right. I hate it, but he is.

“I think we’ll call it a night. I’ll show up sometime tomorrow and try to scare you.”

I smile, and he presses a light kiss against my temple before disappearing from the window. Just like that, I’m all alone with the whirlwind of my thoughts and one word that I wanted to say, that I should have said.

“There were more dreams. In fact, for the past month, I had these dreams every night. Always about you. Mostly nothing substantial, just… flashes, but in those dreams, I remember being happy. I remember loving you.”

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When he hears me say it, his lips tremble, and his eyes are so warm and scared at the same time that I feel an urge to give him a hug, which fights with the urge to throw caution to the wind and just kiss him again.

That’s what brings me back to my senses. This is not me. This is a serial killer standing in front of me, and even if he changed, and at some point in my life I knew it, right now I don’t. To me, he’s a mystery, a strange combination of a ruthless psychopath with no redeeming qualities that I remember and this caring, loving man who sits at my door and makes me coffee.

“Elena?” he says, but I’m already shaking my head.

“No, you’re right. I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t do this. I can’t wrap my mind around it. Yeah, I know you’re not this monster I thought you were, but it doesn’t change anything. I don’t think it should change anything.”

He steps back, his face pained, and I use all my self control not to follow.

“I’m sorry, Damon, but what you said is true. Yes, I know that you love me. You’re sweet and charming, and I… I’m attracted to you, but it’s not enough.”

“I know. I pushed it. I’m sorry. I should have stopped you earlier, but it was just going so well that-”

“I get that,” I say with a shaky smile, grasping his hand because I’m breaking his heart here. “And it’s not that I don’t want you around, I do.” I nod to emphasize my words and he smiles slightly in response, though it comes out more like a grimace. “We can talk and hang out, and maybe I’ll finally get your coffee right one day.” That gets me a genuine smile, and I feel ridiculously giddy. “We’ll figure it out. We need to focus on saving Ric and making things right, and in the meantime,” I reach out and take his hand, squeezing it tightly, “ we’ll just see how it goes. Where it takes us. Okay?”

He pulls closer and for a moment I’m afraid he’s going to kiss me, which would mean he didn’t really understand what I was trying to say. I don’t really know how he’s going to react to any of the things I say or do, so I’m going by instinct here.

Instead of leaning in for a kiss, Damon presses his lips to my forehead – a soft, light touch that makes my eyes water.

“We’ll survive this. We always survive,” he muses, as if reciting a poem, and the words seem to echo in my chest. I step back, wiping at a stray tear.

“I need to go. I have classes.” He nods, and I add hastily: “See you later?”

He smiles. “Yeah. I’ll show up in your room unannounced sometime to piss you off.”

I laugh and walk out of the kitchen. We’re going to be okay.

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In the afternoon, I text Bonnie, and we meet in a diner on the campus.

Jeremy shows up, too. Can’t blame him. If I were reunited with the love of my life whom I believed to be gone forever, I wouldn’t want to leave their side, too.

Oh. Right.

It’s so strange seeing them together again. They look at each other with disturbingly blissful smiles on their faces, and at some point I start thinking they won’t stop holding hands even to take the coffee mugs.

I smile, too, and Jeremy narrows his eyes suspiciously. “What?”

“You guys are so happy.”

Bonnie’s eyes immediately turn sympathetic. “Are you okay?”

My first instinct is to say that of course, I am. To change the subject, to ask Bonnie how she has been, because she saved us all and she suffered more than anyone. But she’s my best friend. She’ll see right through me.

“I don’t know, Bonnie. It all frightens me.”

“Honey, it’s natural.” She manages to extricate her hand from Jer’s and moves to sit next to me. “You’ve had this whole part of your life altered in your mind, so it must be really hard to figure it out. Give it time.”

“That’s not the scary part,” I admit. Bonnie looks at me in confusion while Jer suddenly looks really interested in his plate of fries. I assume he already regrets invading our girl talk. “The scary part is remembering what he’s capable of and knowing that I loved him despite all that. And what’s even crazier is that… I like him. I know that he’s a monster, and I still like him. We spent the morning together-” Bonnie lifts one eyebrow and I laugh. “He stopped by and invited me over for a coffee. Shocking as it is, I had fun. And well, I was totally into him.”

I don’t really want to mention that we made out in Ric’s kitchen while my brother is sitting right here. I doubt he wants to know anything about it.

“Maybe that’s a good thing?” asks Bonnie. “As far as we know, compulsion doesn’t really work with feelings. It may make you forget things that happened, change your attitude for some time, but deep-rooted feelings stay, no matter what.”

“It’s true, Lena,” Jeremy chips in, surprisingly. I thought he wasn’t listening. “You asked Ric to make you forget that you ever loved Damon. He didn’t compel you to stop loving him. You just can’t remember it right now.”

“It’s actually the other way round. I don’t think I really feel that great love everyone’s talking about, but I remember feeling it. I dream about it. I’ve been having these really vivid dreams about Damon and me. Snippets of our past. Waking up with him, cooking with him, Denver…” Jeremy lets out a heavy sigh at the word. “In those dreams, I feel it all, and when I wake up, it’s terrible.”

“Wait, I’m not following,” says Jer. “What’s terrible? I mean, if you remember at least some things and you like him, and he’s finally back here, what’s the problem? Go for it.”

I shake my head at his amazingly careless attitude.

“The problem is that I don’t know why! I don’t know how I can feel that! No matter how good he may be now, he’s a killer. He murdered people for fun. He killed you once.”

Jeremy shrugs like we’re discussing what cereal he likes for breakfast.

“So did you. And a bunch of other people. I got over it. You did, too, just FYI.”

“So… you don’t hate him?” I specify just in case, and Jeremy freaking laughs.

“Man, Damon would so love this talk. No, I don’t hate him. We’re friends. I actually lived in the boarding house with you two, which you probably don’t remember. And yeah, the guy has temper issues, but believe me, catching you making out with him all the time bothered me a lot more.”

I chuckle at that. My poor brother.

“I’m sorry, Jer. I’ll try not to put you through that ordeal.”

He nods in an exaggerated manner which says he doesn’t believe me at all.