Daelien, 

As I see it, this is not necessarily an ‘either or’. You are rightfully angry, and perhaps it is time to let her go. However, I would advise that you do not take too personally her silence. University is a new experience, one that is both exciting, scary, and time-consuming. New friends, new activities, the demands of coursework. It is easy for things to slip through the cracks, for the new to overwhelm the old. 

I would write to her, not a “snapchat” as you call it, but a real letter. Email, I suppose. Explain how you feel, that you understand that she has been busy, that her life is changing. But ask a very simple question: do you still want my friendship? You require, it would seem, an answer. If she chooses not to respond, then clearly it is time to move forward. Remember your friendship fondly, if with remorse, but not with anger. You owe yourself that much. But perhaps she will offer an explanation to you, and then you can at least understand what happened.

People change, lives change, and university is one of those changes. I am sorry this has happened to you, and do not be afraid to feel upset. But some things cannot be helped and must be accepted. One final overture, however, to explain to her your feelings, to ask for an explanation, would not be unreasonable. 

Be well,

Dear Daelien,

The best way is to do whatever makes you (and her) the most comfortable. It is good that you are coming out to her, just do so in whatever fashion you feel fits you the best. If I may give you some advice, I always prefered the most personal approach and a private one.So perhaps sit her down and speak to her about it. Tell her in a conversation and gauge her reaction.

I do not know what makes her so uncomfortable with gay people but that could perhaps be the best approach.

However in whatever way you are going to do it, make sure that it is in a way that you are comfortable with and that suits you. There is no gentle way to really break this and it is different for each person. If possible you can ask some common friends for advice because they  know both of you. 

I wish you all the best

Yours

Gi nathlam hí, o Daelien, 

I am so sorry for your friend and her mother in their dark days; hiro hyn hîdh – I hope peace comes to them. 

It can be very difficult to comfort those who have lost one they love, but the most important part is very simple: each person deals with grief differently, and you must know what your friend needs, specifically. She may not always be able to tell you how to support her, but it does no harm to ask if there is any way you can help, and offer suggestions – would she like time alone to reflect on her loss, or would she like to spend time together to focus on something else? Would she like to talk of her mother often to remember her better, or would she like not to talk of her mother much at all? It is likely that you and she will have to figure things out as you go along, but willingness to help is half of the battle. Do not fear – as long as you can show that you care, and can adapt to her needs, you will not fail your friend. 

Beyond this, there is little I can tell you for certain about how best to support your friend, because her needs are so specific to her. I will say, however, that it is clear that there is great trust and loyalty between the two of you, and that is a good sign. I may not know your friend, but you know her. The trust she has placed in you is not misplaced, my child. 

I wish you peace and strength, Daelien – if there is any way I may help you through this time, I am always here. 

Yours, 

Hello Daelien, Bombur here,

To be totally honest with you, I think at this point you should forget about being so worried about not being rude. You yourself say this person has been manipulative and cruel for years. This isn't a person who deserves your niceness. I'm not saying you should go ahead and call her names or anything like that, but there's nothing wrong with being pretty blunt and straightforward.

"Look, friend, I'm a little mad about you ditching us for half an hour the other day, but that's not the bigger issue. This kind of thing has gone on for a long time and I don't appreciate being treated this way by someone I call friend. I need to end our friendship."

Add other examples or an "I'm sorry" or two in there as you see fit (though really, you shouldn't feel sorry OR apologize for taking care of yourself and ending a toxic friendship). 

Remember, you're dealing with someone who hasn't shown an ability to treat her friends appropriately. You're not being rude by deciding (rightly) that you deserve better. 

Good luck, Daelien.

Best,