#dadspeaks

Tbh tho, idk about labels in general. My sexuality is remaining unlabeled and will forever be—idgaf about fitting in a box that makes sense to others. I love and fuck who I want to, and that’s that. I dress and act the way that feels natural to me, and that’s that.

Turning 61 offers me another opportunity to express gratitude for this wondrous life I've had.  After all, there have been many people, including friends who I've known and loved, who didn't make it this far.  Indeed, to be as youthful, vibrant, and in many ways, childlike and often childish as I am, is quite wonderful.  

So, on this special day, there is one important thing that happened this year that I would like to share with you all.... As I brought my 60th year to a close, I was forced to say good bye to a close friend, who has been near and dear to my heart for a long time, but has stopped being a positive influence in my life.  In case one or more of you have a similar friend to me, you might find this helpful to read and consider in your own life.

In my case, the back and forth of this friendship, and my continued persistence in trying to remain close to him, finally became untenable.  

Early in my life, this friend was a creative and wonderful influence on me.  In a few cases, his sage advice may well have saved my life.  He came with me on all my adventures, including my trip to Guatemala and Mexico, where I sometimes fell into some rather vulnerable situations. Miraculously, he helped to keep me calm and alert, avoiding problems that could easily have escalated into a serious issue.  He was also the one who would often wake me up early on those days when I had something important to do, reminding me that I was committed to something bigger than the comfort of my bed.

When I was slacking off, this friend was consistently there, encouraging me, even pushing me forward, and reminding me that I'd set these goals because I had a dream, and he knew that I was strong enough to forge ahead, even when the going got rough. 

Thanks to this friend, constantly there at my side, I did achieve a lot more than I might have.  I had the courage to buy a one-way plane ticket to Europe, after completing my Music degree at UC Berkeley, show confidence when I spoke my broken French at a job interview, and then spend a year quite unplanned in France, working and taking classes in French. He also helped me find the courage to embark on a very demanding technical degree, culminating in a Chemical Engineering, also from Berkeley... even though I was filled with self-doubt from the get-go. Yes, this friend was a great coach, a great mentor and my biggest fan for many years... I might even say that he believed in me more than I believed in myself.  He was there, constantly, egging me on, encouraging me, and telling me 'You can do this, Lindley! I'm sure you can!' But something happened... I'm not sure exactly when.  

Maybe in my late 30s or 40s.  His encouragement began to take new forms.  He started pushing me beyond my limits and in very unhelpful ways.  Although other people didn't notice him, I could see him, and hear him as clear as ever... Often he would berate me for not doing enough.  For not being as good as he knew I could be.  In fact, it felt like no matter how hard I tried to accomplish things, it was never enough.  

He didn't seem to care that I hadn't started playing piano at 4 years old, and practiced for 8 hours a day since then.  No, he just expected me to play as well as the best professional pianist, and was angry at me for not being a virtuoso. He didn't care that I hadn't majored in Biology and gone to Medical School, he just expected me to be as knowledgeable as an MD.  

In fact, he insisted on perfection in every area of my life, whether I'd had time to study that area or not.  And it didn't matter if it was Athletics, Politics, the Arts, or World History.   No matter what I did, or accomplished, it was never enough... and I often fell into deep despair at my inability to be the awesome person that he wanted me to be.

Yes, it started becoming difficult to live my life with this close friend... and I wasn't sure I could ever let go.  It's just not my way to turn away from someone who has been so helpful in my life...  But, the time had come, the berating had continued to a point where I was miserable, and never felt that I could live up to his standards.  

As a result, I had to make the most difficult decision of my life.  I had to simply walk away... I had tried reason with him.  Really, I assure you I had.   But, he wouldn't hear of it.  When I pleaded with him that in one lifetime you just couldn't do it all, he turned up his nose.  "Why Not?".   It was completely irrational, I know, but he wouldn't see reason.  If I wasn't the best at everything, then I was a failure.  And, in his worst moments, he'd even scream at me, telling me that he hated me.  I'd feel the hatred, and with a red face, filled with tears, I would wonder if I could ever be happy...   In those moments, I ended up hating myself.  For I saw myself with the same lens that he saw me.

As foolish as it seemed, and as much as I'd tried so many times before, I would try again.  You have to understand, I am designed to love people, not to turn away and reject them... So, I'd try again... Try to convince him to back down... But every time he came to visit me, all he could talk about were my many flaws.  He never showed any appreciation for what I'd accomplished.  That wasn't important to him.  If I'd done it, then it must not be difficult.  He was there to show me where I'd failed to reach the mark.

So, it finally was time to choose... I could either continue to live a life feeling like a failure, and keep this longtime friend, or I could say "Good Bye" and hope that I might finally find some happiness and peace in myself.

Even then, I hesitated, similar, I suspect, to men and women in abusive relationships, who can't help but remember the person that they had originally fallen in love with.   But, my happiness was on the line, and I finally had to admit this to myself that I wasn't happy, and probably never would be.  So, I did it.  I turned and walked away... 

I was sad that I couldn't reason with him, and my gut hurt as I walked away and heard him yelling from a distance... "You ungrateful fool!!  Don't you remember how much I did for you?  You'll be back!!!  You'll regret this!!"   As difficult as it was for someone like me to disengage from this friend I'd loved and trusted for so long, I saw that I had no choice.

Now, I sadly don't know how he is taking it.  I wish I could know, but if I meet and talk with him again, I know what will happen... He will fall back into the same pattern of berating me over and over again, about everything he can think of.  So, I would just have to walk away again...

At first, after turning away from him, I could still hear him, and still do even sometimes, even now, yelling from a distance what a failure I have been.   But, I'm not taking it as seriously anymore.  I accept that that is how he things, and I'm going to try to live my life my way.  

As you may have guessed by now, this friend was not on the outside... In fact, he is and was my "Inner Critic".  That's why no one noticed him but me. Koji has noticed the effects of him on me for many years, and felt helpless.  He could see how distant I was, so distracted by the inner torment I had, but he couldn't hear this Inner Critic's voice... Only I could hear him.

But, I'm happy to report that after 61 years, I feel have finally said goodbye to this inner friend.  This old friend who loved me so much to help me along my path, but who - sadly - just didn't know when to back off.  Never learned when the time had come to allow me to live life in the present.  

Yes, I am still grateful for many things that this inner critic did for me.  Constructive criticism that helped me achieve great things for many years.  But I'm also grateful that I finally have had the courage to let him go of him, and turn to embrace a new life, going forward.  

A new life where my focus can be outside of myself.  Looking in the eyes of others, and hopefully seeing what they need, and - where possible - supporting them in their goals. 

My life has been a rich and wonderful path, and with luck, I should have many more years ahead of me.  I feel lucky to have lived this life, even if it has been difficult at times.  I have so much to be thankful for.  

So, here I am, back at the beginning... 61 years of a rich and full life... What a lucky man I have been... lucky in so many ways.

Thank you Universe, God, Nature, or whatever this awesome mystery we call life is, for allowing me to live this wonderful life and see and experience so much.  

And thank you, dear readers, for giving me a moment of your precious time. My love goes out to each and every one of you on this very special day...

Hello Again Readers of KojiFrahm.com!

Turning 60 last year has begun to look like the greatest gift of my lifetime. After beating myself up for most of my life for not being the great and awesome World Savior that I apparently thought I should be, I’m realizing that maybe it’s time to reduce my expectations… (ha, ha) … Yes, maybe it’s time to just enjoy what little I have done, appreciate the awesome life I’ve had to date, and look forward to continuing to taste my life in my own unique way. 

 Of course, it would have been great to discover this before I was 60, but heck, some of us are slower than others. I guess I’m one of those ‘others’.. 

Still, there are some advantages in NOT knowing earlier.. (Aside: Justification is one of my greatest characteristics, so maybe I’m just fooling myself.) 

 Anyway, one of the greatest of these, and one that I continue to experience, is that I don’t see myself as ‘arriving’, and as such, remain open to learning, learning, learning… and this includes making more and more mistakes. 

In other words, I see that I’m a work in progress and always will be. I heard recently a quote by Psychologist Carl G Jung regarding conversion (not in the religious sense)… My take-away message from what he said goes like this: “Life is a constant process of conversion, where the goal is to convert into your true self. It is unattainable, and as such, you will remain in this ‘conversion’ process until you take your last breath.”

Okay, there’s authentic ‘Lindley’ if you have ever seen it! Is that really what Jung said? I have no idea, and can’t find a similar quote on-line anywhere, but I don’t care… the fact is, I like this idea. And I think it is roughly what he said… It jells for me. It reminds me that concepts like Satisfaction or Happiness are not terminal states. That life really is about the roller coaster ride… Or rather, life is a process, and it will include ups and downs, lefts and rights, or whatever. 

 Yes, today, I’m feeling pretty darn good… but tomorrow I might be as low as I have ever been. But, why fret about that? As Koji has reminded me more than a few times, “It won’t last Dad. Nothing lasts forever.” Will I have the patience to wait it out? Of course I will… Life has too much promise not to.

Okay, enough mumbo jumbo for now. Life beckons to us all… not the least of whom is this 60 year old, signing off and wishing you all a wonderful day..

Hello Readers to "You Now Enter The Real"!

  This is my first shot at 'blogging'... but since I was the one who asked Koji if I could be part of his website, the least I can do is go for it...   Right?

  So, here goes... read - if you're interested - and don't if you don't want to (you know that, of course)..

  Heck, at 60 (last April), I'm twice Koji's age, and what do I have to show for it?  Sure, a number of accomplishments, including two great sons (not that I can call them 'accomplishments'), but really, what do I know about myself?  

  Well, I have to tell you.  Not too much... In fact, the more I live, the less I feel I know.  I keep reading, thinking, writing, meeting people, experiencing more and more, and yet it seems like what I know about the world and myself keeps slipping further and further away...

  So, time for re-framing life, I guess.  And maybe that's the thing I'm finally doing, or probably have been doing my entire life.

  After all, if we really can't know 'that much', then why do we keep trying to?  Wouldn't a better approach be to find a way to be at peace with the little that we are and the little that we know?

  Yes, maybe that will be the theme of this 'first' blog on kojifrahm.com... That perhaps, just perhaps, life is an opportunity to learn humility.  To find joy in the little things, realizing the vastness of what we don't and can't ever know.  

  I think that Koji is already much better than I am at this, and I'm happy about that.  But, I'm working on it, and maybe you can too.  Maybe you can just find joy in the smile on that person walking toward you as you rush to your next appointment or to take the subway.  Or maybe you can stay, just a few seconds longer at the checkout, assuming there aren't 10 customers behind you, and tell that cashier that his hair looks pretty cool...   After all, you may never see him again, so this is your first and last 20 seconds with this person in your life.

  Why not enjoy it?  Why not enjoy every moment in this magical mystery tour we call 'life'.

  Take care, and know that my love goes out to all.