#dadar

There was the barest of smiles on Adar’s face as he walked. They came much more easily these days, no longer forced, or strained, and much more defined. It was because of her, though. And they were for her and only her.

But right now, it was because she was rambling away. A lilt in her voice as she went through the tasks they would have to complete before nightfall once they reached their destination. She had decided they would only take the time to set up her tent because it was in better condition than his. And he had to restart his heart after thinking for only a moment about sleeping so close to her so privately.

It was an intelligent decision; his tent was small and had seen much better days. They would also only have to clear an area for one, which would leave plenty of time for them to get a fire going. Make a meal and have a drink to celebrate.

They had been traveling for a few days now, making their way across the mountainside. Stopping each night, only unpacking what they needed to make a meal. They slept under the stars together after he listened to her read for a while. He hardly paid attention, though, too engrossed in her to focus.

They also removed all their packs from her horse so he, too, could properly rest. She had named him Oronir. A name that evoked the majesty of the mountains he now trotted across. Perfect for his strong and towering presence. And it had been an equally as perfect a discussion when they started their small journey. 

He had not been sure how much she would enjoy traveling with him, but she was always so happy. Whether they walked in silence, or he listened to her sing, or discussing their favorite poems. He could talk to her about anything and everything.

Every word, every breath, every blink of her eyes. He fell even more for her. He pictured the life that he now wanted and there was not a single image that did not include her. 

It only grew clearer when they stepped over the ridge that brought the lake into view. When they could finally see the entirety of the land they would be working with.

The lake was even larger than Adar had anticipated, made from a series of waterfalls layering over the ridges of the mountain. A thick forest surrounded the perimeter, but the immediate area around the lake was clear aside from the weeds and wildflowers that adorned it.

"lómë!"

She exclaimed, beaming at him before she sprinted ahead into the clearing. He just chuckled, carefully leading Oronir down the slope before truly following her.

"lómë look! The lake, it is big enough that we could build a small dock!"

He watched as she pranced over to a spot where the clearing touched the trees. Against the stone of the mountain and near the waterfall. Her arms stretching wide as if she was imagining something there. 

"And we could put a home here. A little garden, I have always wanted a garden. We could cook much more that way."

She took a few steps, one foot in front of the other, still touching. She counted quietly to herself like she was measuring the distance.

Then she bounced farther away, to another section that was overrun with tall grass. 

"And this would be the perfect spot for Oronir. I know nothing of building but I am certain we can figure it out."

We. We. We. Us.

The way she kept saying we made his heart swell until he thought it might burst. He wanted to run over to her and beg her to stay. Ask her for all of this to be real. He wanted it to be real.

But he knew that was impossible as long as he was unwilling to even share his name and story.

So now his heart was beating faster because of nerves. His fingers were shaking as he tied Oronir's reins to a nearby tree. Each breath trembling from his lips as he stepped towards her. 

She was the opposite; she stilled completely as he neared. Her words, her breathing, her movements. Her eyes met his and neither gaze dared to pull away.

He stopped before her, barely a few inches between them, and reached out to take her hands. He parted her fingers with his own, noticing the shiver that ran through her as his nails scraped over her palms. 

"What is your name?"

Her breathing hitched, and he brought their hands against his chest. He did it for both comfort and fear that she might try to pull away.

"Laisidhiel."

Life.

It was befitting of her, for she had certainly woke him to a new life.

"I have often been called Laisi. Though I have found myself partial to Calinya."

She blushed as he chuckled, feeling a surge of confidence knowing that she liked the name he'd given her. 

"Calinya it is. I would still wish to be called lómë by you. But I believe it is past time for you to learn who I am."

He brought her knuckles to his lips, needing the comfort of her skin against his. And she let him, just silently waiting for him to continue.

"My name, is Adar."

Even though she had no obvious changes in her expression, he could practically hear the gears turning inside of her head, see her mind at work. She knew who he was, he had no doubt. After all the strife that he had caused in Middle Earth, to her people, she had to have at least heard of him.

So, he waited with bated breath for her judgement.

"You are the father of the Uruk. The Lord of Mordor."

"I was, yes. A part of me will always be. But I have changed. I am more, now."

He squeezed her hands a little tighter. All that he had been through paled in comparison to the anxiety he felt in this instant. The dread that filled him.

“I do not deserve forgiveness. Least of all by a light such as you.”

It was harsh, but he believed it to be completely true. It was one of the many things he had come to accept when he retreated to the mountains to live.

But her? She was everything good and pure in the world, everything that he was not.

“Adar.”

His name had never been spoken so tenderly, was never meant to sound so sweet. It was barely a breath on the wind, but carried all the strength of an army threatening to knock him down.

“You are far from the only one to be enthralled by Sauron. To commit atrocities by his design. Galadriel fell. Even Celebrimbor. He who is meant to be one of the best of us... Yet they were forgiven.”

Stop. His insides were screaming for her not to continue. To not give him hope that he was anything aside from a monster. That he was worth more than being left alone and forgotten by the world.

The selfish side of him wanted to pull her against her chest, hold her tight, and never let go.

“Adar you, you were misguided yes. Your actions born from the darkness. But you just wanted a place for the Uruk to live. To destroy Sauron. Those are not the goals of a soul gone bad. Just one that lost its way.”

His chest constricted; he could not take even the shallowest of breaths. She knew so little but understood so much.

She forgave him. She was still looking at him with those eyes. She was still holding his hands. She had not pulled away. Not even an inch.

"What happened to you?"

He was trembling again. She had dismantled every ounce of protection he had armed himself with in a matter of seconds. Leaving him feeling more exposed and helpless than when he was chained up on that mountain so long ago.

"After realizing the depths of my mistakes, I surrendered to Galadriel. Together we all worked to defeat Sauron, to heal Middle Earth and the rift between our peoples.  Then I retreated with my children to Mordor as promised. But, I knew that I no longer-"

"You misunderstand me.”

He startled at her interruption, even more so when she stepped closer. She leaned into him and he released his hold on her hands only to wrap his arms around her waist. She was so soft and warm against him. Small enough, perfect enough, to mold into him as if they were one being.

"What happened to you?"

She said it much quieter this time, and he was even less sure what she meant as her gaze turned to one of worry.

But then her fingers barely brushed over his cheek, causing him to stiffen instinctually. Before he was melting into her touch, all but nuzzling her palm. 

"I would not wish such images in your head."

"I want to know."

Once more she had her determined, instantaneous response. The most attitude he ever saw from her, if he could even call it that. 

"I can scarcely remember the days after waking on the shores of Cuiviénen. Walking along rivers and admiring the sage blossoms. Before Morgoth chose me, corrupted me."

He found room to pull her closer, because he could not find the strength to meet her gaze in this moment. Someone instead he tucked her head beneath his chin, a move purely so that he could bury his nose in her hair.

She did indeed smell like honey and vanilla. A sweetness befitting of everything else about her. One he would personally make the journey into a city, if necessary, to buy what she needed to keep the scent. But now she had a hint of pine as well from the time she had spent among the trees with him. 

"I was lured by the promise of power, I admit. Up a dark, nameless peak where I was chained and abandoned. I could not say for sure the days without food or drink. The torture I endured before Sauron appeared. Then, to me, he was a savior. Setting me free and offering wine.  What I thought was wine."

He would later learn it to be the very blood that sealed his corruption. That bound him further to the dark and finalized his change into an Uruk.

Her fingers tightened halfway through his explanation, gripping to his front. But it was her muffled hiccup that truly brought his mind from that mountain top and back to the present.

One hand moved up her back, finger splaying out between her shoulder blades. It was for support as he gently parted them enough so that he could see her face.

Crying. She was crying.

Her gorgeous golden eyes would not even look at him. Her perfect skin was stained with the tears that ran down her cheeks. They were instantly the most loathsome thing in the world and he would have set fire to all of Middle Earth to make them go away.

"Laisidhiel."

He cupped both sides of her jaw. She was so petite to him that his fingers were stretched over her neck, and his thumbs were brushing her tears before they fell.

"Does it still hurt?"

She was barely able to get the words out of her trembling lips which only broke his heart even more. 

He wanted to say no, but he would not lie to her.

"In my mind, always. Otherwise, often."

That only seemed to make her cry even more, a wet apology choking out. He was torn between having a soaring heart that she would be so upset on his behalf. And hating her feeling upset at all.

"You make it better, help me forget. My life, has been not but darkness. You are the light, a breath i have not taken in an age."

Once more she only seemed to cry harder. But at least he thought he saw a smile begin to grow. 

"Calinya. I would have you stay. I want you to stay. I do not want to worry that you are still looking for where your path will lead. To wake up one day and see you packing to go." 

She barely let the words leave him before she filled him with more reassurance than he could have imagined. For she had stepped up onto her toes and pressed her lips to his. Lowering again with a face now red from bashfulness. 

Meanwhile he was trying to decide if his soul had flown across the sea into the halls. It had to of, because he was not sure what happened after that.

She had squeaked because she was suddenly beneath him entirely. Lips teased with such a gentle kiss were pressing to every inch of her that they could find. His knees parting her thighs despite how he would never want to take her like this. On the ground like an animal instead of the goddess she was. 

But he could not stop, and she did not seem to mind.

She was just so soft against his fingertips. Softer than the silks that the first elves would wear. Then her noises nearly drove him mad. More sinful than any act that he had committed in his life, and more melodic than the music of the Ainur. 

He wanted to drown in her. To be so consumed that she was every breath he took. That she was the only sun in his sky, the very light of his days. Or the brightest of stars that guided his steps at night. The sensations that filled him whenever the past threatened to take over.

She was staying.

She wanted him.