#dad!josuke

Nothing. He hears a knocking sound come from the nursery down the hall and his feet take him in that direction. He can hear his own pulse in his ears. He tries to tell himself that he’s overreacting but something in his gut tells him otherwise. He lays his hand on the doorknob to the nursery and realizes it’s locked. He gets a sinking feeling in his stomach as he begins to try to jiggle the handle. He hears your groan on the other side of the door and thinks the worst. 

“Babe?”

“Don't come any closer, Josuke!” he hears you yell from the other side of the door. 

All that registers in his mind is how frantic your voice sounds. Crazy Diamond all but bulldozes the door down. As the door comes off the hinges, his worst fears are confirmed. His eyes immediately go to you as you lie on the ground in a pool of your own blood. Your eyes look so tired and your breathing labored. How… how long have you been like this?

“Ah. Josuke Higashikata. I’m glad you finally made it. I was getting bored of the mindless chit chat with your wife.”

That voice touches something deep in Josuke’s soul. It registers much faster than the scene before him. He’d recognize that voice anywhere. He didn’t need to see the salt and pepper hair or white suit with purple buttons or the green dress shoes. He knows who that is before the scene registers in his mind. 

Yoshikage Kira. 

Yoshikage Kira is sitting in the rocking chair of the nursery holding his sleeping baby in his arms. On the ground, there you lay, holding your arm in a pool of your own blood. He can’t even see where all the blood is coming from. There’s just so much. When Josuke looks back down at you, he sees how hard you are breathing and the sweat beading around your body as you grip your injured arm. You’re shivering.Every time he looks at the blood pooling around your side, it seems to grow twice as large. The cold molasses rushing through his body seems to keep him rooted to where he’s standing. There’s static in his ears. What the hell is happening?

“Josuke,” you whisper before coughing, which seems to bring him back.

He jerks forward on instinct to save you. 

“Don’t you take another step!” Kira barks. “You take another step and you’ll be cleaning your wife off the walls for the rest of the week.”

His body stills, as if on autopilot. His eyes never leave yours. 

“What do you want? I’ll let you do whatever you want to me but let my wife and my kid go. They have nothing to do with this!”

“Josuke,” you call weakly. 

When he looks down at you, his eyes are wide as saucers and welling with tears. 

“I love you, Josuke,” he sees your lips say.

He knows you said the words, but he couldn’t hear it over the sound of his own beating heart. As he looks into your eyes, he feels time come to a standstill. He hates it. He hates the way your body relaxes after the words leave your mouth. He hates how warm your gaze is as you stare up at him, still clutching your arm where you're gushing blood. He hates the way you give him a small smile as you say it again. He hates the odd sense of comfort that begins to seep into the buckets of fear. 

“I love you so much, Josuke. It’s not your fault. I love you both more than anything,” you say sweetly as if the tears in your eyes were that of joy. 

In the time that it takes to blink, your body is gone. In the place that your body laid seconds ago, only smoke remains. He has to blink two, three, fours times just to make sure his eyes aren’t playing tricks on him. You were just there telling him that you loved him. Now you're….

He hears a small thump on the ground and lays eyes on your wedding ring seconds before that too turns to smoke. 

Josuke falls to his knees as he tries to grasp what just happened. He rubs his eyes. There's nothing left of you. In the blink of an eye you were erased like you never existed. There’s… nothing even to bury. There wasn’t even a loud booming explosion. He only blinked. The sound of his breathing was louder than the end of your existence. 

“Well, I don't know about you, but I'm truly touched that she used her final moments to tell you that she loved you. She didn't even seem afraid even though she knew she was going to die. You truly are—were lucky.”

Josuke reaches out a hand for you hoping that you’re just invisible. His mind is trying to rationalize what just happened. It feels as if he were stabbed with an icicle. It’s like he can feel the love leaving his body. Had there been a loud, booming explosion, he’d have an easier time accepting it but this… this is cruel. In the time it took him to blink, you were silently taken from him. There aren’t even any ashes floating in the wind. You’re just… gone. Not a hair left behind. The only sign you were even there is the pool of your blood.

Kira clicks his tongue which brings Josuke’s eyes back up to him and Josuke finally exhales. It is not an exhale of relief. It’s fear. True, heart stopping fear. Yoshikage Kira is still holding his newborn baby. His son, his bean, is sleeping peacefully in the arms of a murderer. And not just any murder, now. The murder who ripped his mother away from him.

“Please don't hurt my baby,” Josuke begs. “Please. I'll do anything. Just–please don't hurt him.”

“Oh. Now, now Josuke. Do you think I'm such a monster that I would hurt such a cute, defenseless child?” Kira asks as he loops his fingers through the large curl on your son's forehead which makes Josuke shudder. “Especially after I've already killed his mother?”

Kira clicks his tongue before continuing. 

“Well Josuke,” he sighs. “You're right.”

Killer Queen manifests next to him and lays his pointer finger on the sleeping baby’s forehead. 

“WAIT PLEASE!” Josuke yells. 

Kira’s smile is the last thing he sees before he hears the click of detonation. 

“Josuke!”

Once Josuke’s eyes are open again, it takes him a while to register where he is. A burning, cold begins to work its way down from the top of his head as he looks around and realizes where he is.

“It's alright! It's alright!” you tell him as you place a calming hand against his clammy cheek. 

His mouth is dry as he stares at you, bewildered. He looks down and sees the bedsheets pooled around his body. His hands are shaking and he tries to catch his breath. You’re looking at him with soft concern as he realizes that it wasn’t real. 

“Was it a nightmare? You were screaming.”

Josuke embraces you tightly with shaking arms. 

“I'm okay. We're okay, Josuke. I was putting the baby back to bed when I heard you screaming

In a matter of seconds, Josuke is out of your arms and running down the hall to the nursery. When you make it into the room behind him, he's standing over the crib. 

“Josuke?”

With that, he seems to break. You can hear the choked sobs as his shoulders shake and he crumples onto the ground. You’re quickly at his side, bringing him into your chest. 

You're both okay. You're both alive and breathing. You are not smoke or piles of ash. 

“I'm sorry. I just–”

“It's okay, Josuke. Shhhh. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Josuke sobs into your chest, his body trembling. You hold him as tightly as possible, rubbing his back and placing comforting kisses to the top of his head. His arms bring you to straddle his lap as his head stays pressed to your chest where he hears your heart beating. 

“I’m here. I’ve got you, Josuke. We’re okay. We’re not going anywhere,” you tell him again. 

After a while, his crying dies down but he doesn’t let you go or say anything. Though you’re both tired, you know he doesn’t want to leave this spot much less the nursery. You put your hands on his cheeks and bring his eyes to yours. Your heart aches. His eyes are bloodshot with tears still pooling in them. You kiss his forehead.

“We’re here and we’re not going anywhere, okay? You keep us safe.”

Josuke sniffles and nods, taking comfort in your words even if he doesn’t fully believe them right now. He’d just dreamt of losing you. How could he have faith in himself to keep you safe in this moment? But he hears you. He knows you’d never lie to him so what you’re saying must be true. 

You get off of him and help him stand. He’s practically stuck to you with how close he stands. You give him a comforting smile and guide him to the rocking chair to sit. You recline it a bit and pull out the footrest so he’s mostly laying down. You don’t say anything and he just lets you do as you please.

“I’ll be right back,’ you softly tell him.

He’s about to protest and follow you, but you put your hand on his chest as a silent gesture to stay. You left the room and he immediately feels antsy. He knows that he is not usually like this, but that nightmare shook something deep in him. He looks over at the crib where Bean is still peacefully asleep. It’s enough to slow the rapid pace of his heart just by a fraction. He leans over the edge of the crib to see your baby in full view. He reaches into the crib to gently rest a hand on his son’s chest. Josuke lets out an exhale when he feels it. Up and down. Up and down. His baby is alive and breathing. Safe and warm. Loved and cared for. When Josuke hears footsteps approaching, Crazy Diamond is ready to defend his child. He only backs down when you enter the room with a fluffy blanket. Crazy Diamond dissolves back into Josuke and you can see the tension leave his shoulders. You don’t say anything. You walk over to Josuke and wordlessly instruct him to lay on his side. Once he’s on his side, you slide onto the rocking chair behind him and hold him in spoon fashion. You both take up all available space on the rocking chair and it isn’t very comfortable but he knows that you know that this is necessary. You kiss the back of his neck and pull a blanket over your bodies.

“Do you want to talk about it?” you quietly ask.

He shakes his head and keeps his eyes on his sleeping baby.

“I’m always here for you, Josuke.”

“I know,” he quietly responds.

“We’re not going anywhere.”

“I know.”

You squeeze him tightly and snuggle into him.

"I love you," you say quietly.

His heart lurches, but not in a good way. Those were your last words. He doesn't even realize that he's crying until he feels you snuggle into him and squeeze him from behind.

"it's okay. I've got you. I've got you," you say as you hold him as tight as possible.

When Tomoko hands Bean to you, you greet him with a big smile. His eyebrows raise and he gives you a big, gummy smile. You laugh with joy when you see your boy's reaction to seeing you.

“Hi Bean! Did you have a good day with Nana? Your daddy and I missed you!” You say before peppering his cheek with kisses. 

“Yeah. Your mommy and I couldn’t wait to see you!” Josuke adds as he gently pinches Bean’s dimpled cheek. 

Tomoko watches with a smile as you both coo over your baby. Josuke takes Bean from your arms before also peppering his cheeks with kisses which makes him laugh. You rub your hand through his baby soft curls as Josuke dotes on him. 

“Hi, my love,” you say in that sweet, sing-song voice. 

Bean lets out a giggle before putting his fingers in his mouth. 

“You guys are good parents,” Tomoko quietly says. 

“Hm?” You both ask, not having heard her over your doting. 

“I said you’re good parents. I know both of you grew up in broken homes yet… you both learned how to be wonderful parents to your baby boy.”

Your smiles both immediately drop and you can feel the waterworks coming on. Worry immediately overcomes Tomoko as she feels she may have said something wrong. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like–“

“I know what you meant. That’s… the sweetest compliment I’ve ever heard,” you say as you look up at Josuke. 

“You really think we’re good parents? I mean, we make so many mistakes,” Josuke says as he looks down at your baby boy. 

“All parents make mistakes. It’s natural. Parenting doesn’t come with a guidebook and even if it did, it isn't one size fits all. There are things that you have to learn for yourselves as you get to know your baby and learning requires making mistakes. Every mistake might seem like the end of the world but it isn’t. Your boy is so loved and so cared for. Plus, the mistakes you worry about today, he won’t even remember tomorrow. Just keep up what you’re doing. You both are doing such a great job. I’m so proud of you.”

You poke your bottom lip out as you try not to cry. 

“Aww sweetie,” Tomoko coos as she walks over to hug you. 

You can’t help the tears that flow once Tomoko’s arms wrap around you. 

“I know you were worried about what kind of parent you would be when you were pregnant. Considering the parents you had growing up, I can understand why. But I was right when I said you were going to nothing like them. I knew you were going to a wonderful mother,” Tomoko says as she wipes your tears. 

“Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing,” you confess, crying now. 

“Aww. That’s okay. I thought the same thing when I first had Josuke, but look how he turned out. He’s a wonderful son and even better husband for you. Though I wish my son showed a little more restraint, I do love the result,” Tomoko says with a laugh as she playfully rubs your son’s cheek which makes him laugh. “You turned out to be a wonderful person and mother. I’m sorry your family doesn’t see that. But I do. My son couldn’t have picked a better person to start a family and share his life with.”

Now you’re full on crying. You’ve tried so hard to not pick at the old scars left by your family. You’ve tried just pretending they aren’t there. You tried ignoring the voice that said you were doing a bang up job, or that you’re not good enough, or that someone else is more deserving of the things you have. You experienced burn out one month after having your baby because you always felt like you could be, should be doing more. Even when you first got with Josuke, you felt undeserving of his overwhelming love, like you had to earn it. You felt guilty. When Josuke sat you down one day and started digging into these feelings with you, he asked you why you felt undeserving. After a while of just talking, you realized that it stems from your childhood and the way you were raised. You were never praised or doted on just because. You had to earn it. You had to work for it. As much as you wish you could, you can’t go back in time and console that little kid who just wanted to make their mother proud or be hugged just because or be told that they were beautiful.

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t a bit envious of the relationship Josuke has with his mother, especially when you first started dating him. Her love and belief in him is unconditional. He could call his mom at any time and just… talk to her. They’d talk and laugh and joke. Their respect for each other is mutual. She acknowledges that Josuke is his own person and not just an extension of her. They have a beautiful relationship. It’s the opposite of yours with your family. It’s what you always wanted as a kid. 

“You’re the person you needed when you were a child,” Tomoko says softly. 

And now you’re sobbing. Tomoko holds you tight. She knows her words have struck you deeply, but in a good way. You will be the mother to your son that you always wanted as a child. A mother he can talk to no matter how bad he thinks things are. A mother who will never tear him down. A mother who will never compare him to another child and make him feel inferior. A mother who would never make her son feel like he has to make himself small. A mother who he feels safe to be himself around. A mother who won’t make her child feel like an obligation. A mother who makes sure that even when her son is sad, he knows he's loved and cared for. Your son will never be told to suck it up or to stop crying because he has nothing to cry about. He will never feel unsupported even when trying to navigate a mistake he made. His problems and emotions will never be swept under the rug because ‘he’s a child’. He’ll never be forced into an uncomfortable situation in the name of ‘forgiveness’ or ‘family’ or ‘that happened so long ago’. He’ll always be able to express himself emotionally and creatively even if it goes against “traditional gender norms”. Bean, as small as he still is, is his own person. He has his own personality, his own likes and dislikes, his own way of wanting things. You can’t imagine dimming his light for the sake of appearances or making other people happy. 

You’re the person you wanted in your life as a child. You’re going to be the parent you wish you had when you were younger. You’re now the person you wished saved you as a kid when you cried at night. You will never be the reason your son cries at night. You’ve always told yourself that that’s who you’d be, but hearing that someone else, especially your partner’s mom, sees that in you makes you sob uncontrollably. 

When you and Josuke got really serious, you told Tomoko at length how you were raised. To say she was unhappy with the way you were treated was an understatement. Tomoko had grown to love you way before you were even pregnant. You truly brought out the best in Josuke and you’re so easy to love. She's just like Josuke in the sense that she started calling you her daughter-in-law very early on. She loves you and determined very early on that this thing between you and Josuke would be forever. If you didn’t have any family, they would be your family. Hearing about your family’s mistreatment made anger flare in her. She supported your stance in keeping your family at arm's length or estranged. She knew it hurt you at times. She knew that child within you was still hoping to be saved and loved by them the way they should have been. She knew that there were times that you just wanted them to say they were proud of you for all you've accomplished even though you knew all you would probably get is a dry ‘good for you’ or ‘that’s all?’ or ‘that’s what you’re supposed to be doing’. She knows your family sees nothing wrong with the way they loved you and that they feel like they have nothing to apologize for since they ‘did the best they could’. She fills the gaps in that motherly role that your mother neglected in your childhood. 

‘You’re the person you needed when you were a child.’

‘You’re the person you needed when you were a child.’

‘You’re the person you needed when you were a child.’

Those words continue to echo through your mind. You almost can’t believe that she said them. The kindness in those words is indescribable. Everything you wanted in a safe adult as a child… you are. 

“Thank you, Tomoko,” you say with a sniffle. 

She grabs a nearby tissue and wipes your nose in typical parent-child fashion. She puts her hands on your cheeks and leans forward to kiss your forehead. She bears a warm smile when she pulls away. 

“Of course.”

Later that night when you’re settling into bed for the night, Josuke turns to face you. 

“She’s right, you know.”

“Hm?”

“My mom. She’s right. You’re exactly the person you needed when you were a kid. And you’ll be that for our kid. You’re an amazing mother and it shows. I’m happy that I’m not the only person that recognizes it.”

You can feel yourself start to tear up again. He lets out a soft chuckle as he brings you close to his chest. You wrap your arms around him and bury your face in his chest. 

“I love you and you’re the best thing to ever happen to me, to us,” he says, his hand gesturing to a picture of you and him both holding Bean with Tomoko giving him a kiss. “You’ve become the glue that holds us together and I mean that in the best way possible. Our lives wouldn’t be the same without you. You’re more than enough.”

“I love you,” you whisper.