#da reader insert

She looked into the mirror once again, and shook her head. She was pretty sure that Cullen felt the same, and he has seen her at her worst, right after a whole mountain dropped on her, half frozen to death. Stop being silly and just go! No more excuses! She took one last breath and made her way to Cullen’s tower.

As she walked through the atrium under the library, Solas looked up from his book and raised one of his thin eyebrow when he saw her. A small smile played around his lips. “Good evening, Inquisitor.”

“Evening, Solas,” she said curtly and walked past him. Just before the door closed behind her, she heard Dorian asking Solas a question, that sounded strangely like “Is it finally happening?” and “It looks like it”. She was so not looking forward to the teasing, that she knew would be happening. But Cullen was totally worth it.

When she reached the tower, she hesitated. Her hand was already raised, ready to knock, but of course, her mind choose that moment to question her intend. What if he didn’t feel the same? Maybe he was simply nice and not romantically interested in her. She would make a fool of herself, and would never be able to look into his eyes ever again! That certainly would make war room meetings awkward.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a strange noise from the inside. She froze and waited. There it was again, but she couldn’t tell what it was. She looked around, to see if anyone was watching her, but luckily, the few people who were still wandering in the courtyard, were busy walking towards the tavern. She leaned her ear against the door, and waited.

There it was. A soft moan from Cullen. A cold shudder run through her body and her heart clenched almost painfully. She swallowed a lump in her throat.

Of course he could sleep with whomever and whenever he wanted, they weren’t anything but friends at the moment, but the fact that it happened on the night she wanted to finally confess her feeling, felt like a slap in her face. She couldn’t help but wonder why he choose to sleep with someone else, when he knew that she she was interested. Or at least she thought he knew. Maybe she was right before, and he simply wasn’t interested romantically in her. Tears of hurt and frustration blurred her vision.

She rushed back to her tower the same way she came.

“Inquisitor?” Solas asked, surprise and worry carrying in his voice.

She ignored him, threw the door open, and let it crash back in the lock behind her.

“What happened?” Dorian asked the elven mage.

“I’m not sure,” Solas said. “But she was clearly upset.”

Dorian huffed. “I’m going to kill him.”

Solas might not much like the Tevinter, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t impressed by his loyalty to their leader. Especially after such a short amount of time. “I think that would only upset her further.”

--- 

She barely slept that night. Her thoughts kept repeating what she had witnessed tonight and how to handle the situation from there. She was hurt, though she knew she had no right to feel that way. Even if Cullen felt the same, they weren’t in a relationship, and he had every right to see whomever he liked. It just irked her, that he was giving her so much hope, but then slept with someone else.

Almost every exchange they had, in the last couple of weeks, were heavily streaked with flirting. A suggestive sentence here, a little shy smile there, and oops was that an “accidental” touch? There was tension between them, so obvious, even Dorian noted it while watching from the small window in the alcove he claimed in the library. Needless to say he teased her all the time about it, and constantly asked about updates about they liaison.

She had told him a hundred times that there was nothing going on, but Dorian kept on pushing. He knew she had feelings for their commander, and he insisted that Cullen felt the same. “You should see how he looks at you! I can see those heart-eyes all across the courtyard,” he would say. And she believed him. Dorian had a little mischievous streak in him, but he would never mislead her with matters of the heart.

But now she couldn’t help but wonder, if maybe Cullen was nothing more but fascinated with her, because she was the Herold, their Inquisitor, and not because he was interested in her as a person. Maybe she misread all their flirtation, and it wasn’t the way she saw things. After all, Cullen wasn’t very skilled with words, and sometimes, he said things without thinking, and correct himself - almost too late - what he had just said.

Or maybe, or maybe, or maybe… ugh. She rolled on her stomach and covered her head with a pillow. I hate being in love.

---

The war room meeting went as awkward as one can imagine. Y/N couldn’t bring herself to look at Cullen, even when he was directly talking to her. That resulted in several curious and questioning stares from her advisers, or confused and hurt ones in Cullen’s case. She knew she was handling the situation badly, even a tad bit childish, but she couldn’t bring herself to look at him.

“I think that’s everything for today,” Josephine said cautiously. Actually, there were still several things she wanted to discuss with the Inquisitor, but the woman was obviously not in the… what? Condition? Mood? Whatever it was, she assumed it was better to end it here, and discuss everything else, once their leader doesn’t look like she’s about to kneel over any second.

Y/N nodded. “Good.” And with that, she turned on her heels and basically fled from the room.

“Inquisitor,” Cullen called after her, “if you have a moment…”

“Sorry,” she answered, without turning around, “maybe later, but I’m rather busy.”

Cullen turned to the two other advisers, baffled by the Inquisitor’s behaviour today. “With what?”

Josephine only shrugged. Leliana’s eyes followed Y/N until she was out of sight, before she turned towards Cullen. “There is obviously something bothering her. Give her some time.” She didn’t however said that she assumed it had something to do with the commander. She noticed how uncomfortable Y/N became as soon as Cullen entered the room. Interesting.

Cullen shook his head. Sometimes it felt like every woman he knew, was ought to make his life even more complicated than it already was. He wondered if there was something he has done, that made her act so strangely.

He thought about the last time they spoke, yesterday morning, and couldn’t come up with anything that might have upset her. On the contrary, she even suggested they should have dinner together sometime, so Cullen could introduce her to all his favourite Fereldan meals. His heart had skipped a beat at the suggestion. His heart sank however when re realised that maybe she was regretting making such a bold proposal.

He had to get to the bottom of this. If anyone knew what was going on with her, it was Dorian.

---

Cullen found the Tevinter mage in the library, where he seemed to spend most of his time. He approached him, while the mage was looking for a certain book in one of the shelves. “Dorian? May I have a moment of your time?”

Dorian turned his head in his direction, and Cullen almost made a step backwards when he saw the hatred in the other men's eyes. Was everyone bugged by his presents today?

“Depends on what you want,” Dorian said, the usual playfulness in his voice was absent.

“I-I wanted to talk about Y/N,” Cullen said, scratching his neck.

The Tevinter turned fully to him, with his eyes narrowed. “What a coincidence! I wanted to talk about her with you as well,” he said mockingly. “Solas stopped me however. He thought it would upset Y/N only further.”

Cullen peaked up at that. So he was right, Dorian knew what was going on. “So she is upset. Do you know what caused it?”

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because Dorian’s eyes narrowed dangerously now. “No, I’m not sure what caused it, but I have a pretty good idea who.”

“Who? Well, who was it?” Cullen asked. When someone upset her, he wanted to know, and maybe have a few words with them.

“Obviously, you!”, the mage almost shouted, which earned him a couple of “shhh” which he ignored.

“Me? But what have I done?” Cullen asked. He really had no idea.

Dorian crossed his arms over his chest. “I would like to know that as well. All I know is, she went to your tower last evening, and when she returned, she was crying.”

“Last evening? My tower?” Now Cullen was completely lost. She didn’t visit him yesterday, did she? All he remembered was going to bed, after another stressful day, which resulted in a terrible headache. “She didn’t visit me yesterday.”

Dorian crocked his head to the side. What was Cullen playing at? Whatever excuse the ex-templar tried, he wouldn’t get out of this that easily. “Yes, yes she was. All nicely dressed. Must be around nine.”

“I was already asleep at nine,” Cullen said. He sat down on a nearby chair, and rubbed his face with his hands. “Something is wrong.”

Dorian sat down opposite him, still not fully believing him, but he couldn’t deny that something was off.

“And she wasn’t with you?” Dorian probed.

“No!” Cullen said forcefully.

“Hmm,” Dorian stroke his chin. “Maybe something on the way there… but if something happened, why didn’t she tell Solas or me?”

For a moment they sat in silence, both lost in thoughts. Eventually Cullen got up. “Well, there’s only one way to find out. I go talk to her.”

Dorian nodded. “Tell her I’m there for her if she needs me.”

Cullen smiled. “I think she already knows that, but I’ll tell her anyway.” And with that he left.

“You surprise me, Dorian,” Solas voice came from below, as soon as Cullen had left the library.

Dorian lent on the cordon and looked down. “Oh? And why is that?”

“I expected at least one fireball.”

“Are you insane? Not in a library!” Dorian huffed and got back to the bookshelf, ignoring Solas’ faint snicker.

---

Well… that went horrible. Y/N sat on her bed, with her head in her hands. So much for handling it like an adult.

She knew had to get a grip. It may hurt, but she needed to get her feelings under control. After all, she was supposed to work together with him and couldn’t avoid him forever. Not to mention it was anything but fair to him. He didn’t do anything wrong.

After telling herself several times that she needed to stop moping, because that wouldn’t change anything, she got up and went to her desk. A pile of unread letters waited for her to be read and answered. Maybe this could distract her for a while.

Just when she was halfway through the first letter, she heard the door to her tower being opened and closed. She put the letter down and waiter for the visitor to announce themselves.

“Inquisitor?” Cullens voice carried up the stone walls.

He noticed. Shit. He noticed and is going to ask what’s wrong! What am I supposed to say? Shit, shit, shit!

“Up here,” she answered, and hoped he wouldn’t notice the slight waver in her voice.

Soon Cullen conquered the last steps. He knew he had to find out what happened yesterday, but he hadn’t thought about how to do that. Now that he was there, standing on top of the stairs, he silently cursed himself for not thinking of a plan before he marched into her private quarters.

“I- um, may I speak with you for a moment?” he asked and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yes, sure, of course,” she said and wondered if she demonstrate her nervousness any more obvious.

She gestured to the chair on the other side of her desk, and Cullen sat down, looking anywhere but at her.

Cullen cleared his throat. “I was wondering if I have done anything to offend you?”

Yes. No. Yes… but not really. I hate my life. She shook her head. “No, everything’s fine.”

“Then why… this morning, at the meeting, it seemed like you were avoiding me, and when I talked to Dorian, he told me you were upset yesterday, after, so he and Solas assume, visiting my tower,” he said, and finally looked at her. She was blushing an adorable shade of red.

The images of last night came flashing back. She standing in front of his tower, ready to knock, when she heard the moan. A moan she would have been delighted to hear under different circumstances. Her heart throbbed painfully and she swallowed a lump in her throat. “I- it- it was… nothing. Really. It was nothing to worry about.”

Cullen didn’t understand her. She was obviously upset, if not downright distressed. Something was bothering her, why wouldn’t she tell him. He thought they’d build a friendship over the last couple of month, and she would trust him enough to tell him if something wasn’t right. Maybe he had been wrong. He had hoped she would see him as more than just the commander of the Inquisition, but a friend whom she can tell everything as well. Ever since they arrived at Skyhold, he and Y/N would spend some time together, talking about anything and everything. They would even flirt occasionally, and Cullen had hoped that perhaps, she could feel something more for him. But it looks like he had been wrong.

It hurt, but he wouldn’t give up that easily. She may not feel the same for him, but if something was bothering her, he wanted to know and fix it. He would be there for her, as commander, as friend, as lover, whatever she choose him to be! “Inqui- Y/N,” he said softly, “I can see something is bothering you. Did something happened while you were on the way to my tower? Because I know, as opposed to what Dorian may thinks, that you weren’t in my tower. I sleep so lightly, I would have heard you knocking or entering. Please tell me what happened. I- we are worried about you, Y/N.”

Y/N looked at him with wide eyes. “Asleep? You were asleep?”

“Yes!?” it almost sounded like a question.

“Oh…” Suddenly she realised that he probably moaned in his dream, or even worse, his nightmare. And I ran away like some angsty teenager. Way to go, Y/N!

“What does it have to so with anything?” Cullen asked, still confused by her question.

A good question for which she had no answer, expect for the truth but that was not an option. For the second time this day, she put her head in her hands and groaned.

Cullen rounded the table and knelled beside her. “Y/N, what’s wrong?”

“I’m an idiot, that’s what’s wrong,” she muttered between her hands.

“I don’t understand…”

“I thought,” but she stopped herself. She couldn’t tell him the truth, it was too humiliating!

Cullen carefully took her hands and lowered them from her face. Her expression was a mixture of defeat and anger. Without realising it, he cupped her cheek. His thumb was softly stroking her cheekbone. When she looked at him with a questioning gaze, he froze. What was he thinking? He wanted to lower his hand, but her hand stopped him. It was his turn to look rather puzzled. She leaned into his palm, and both of them relaxed a little.

“What happened, Y/N,” he tried again, his voice barely above a whisper as if he was afraid that speaking too loud would ruin this moment.

“Like I said, I was an idiot,” she said with a sad smile.

“But what does it mean?”

She said nothing and only starred into his eyes. This beautiful shade of brown, in which she could easily get lost in. Her eyes flickered to his mouth. She had been wondering for some time what it would be like to kiss those lips. He was so close… it would be so easily to just kiss him. She looked back up. His looked so worried at her, it brought her out of her little fantasy, and she remembered that she owned him an explanation and maybe an apology.

“Cullen I-” But he pressed his lips to hers, before she could say any more.

For a second she was too shocked to do anything, but before she knew it, she was leaning into the kiss. His lips, so warm and soft against hers… But before she could truly savour the moment, his lips were already gone, along his his hand on her cheek.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me!” Cullen backed away from her and stood up.

“Cullen-” she said, a little breathless.

“I have no words for how sorry I am,” he continued to ramble.

She stood up and walked over to him, until she stood directly in front of him. “You don’t need to apologise.” This time it was her hand that cupped his cheek. “Just tell me, do you feel… could you imagine… I mean…” Why was this confession stuff so hard?!

“Yes,” he said, “I mean, that is, if you wanted to ask… I felt something for you for a while and…”

“Me, too!” she said. They were slowly closing the space between them. “I just never thought you…”

“Y/N? May I kiss you again?”

His husky voice send her shiver through her. “Maker, please!”

---

“Sooooo?” Dorian asked and plopped down next to her.

Y/N knew it was a mistake to have her breakfast in the hall, but eating alone in her chambers was always kind of depressing.

“So what?” she asked him, not looking up from her plate.

“A little birdie tole me-”

“Was that birdie’s name Sera? Or Varric?” she asked.

“-that our dear commander visited you again last evening, but no one saw him leaving it. Not until half an hour ago.” Though it was a statement, the question he wanted to ask was clear. She wouldn’t make it that easy for him, though.

“That’s right,” she said in a neutral voice.

When Dorian didn’t ask anything else, she looked up, and regretted it immediately. He was looking at her meaningfully.

She sighed. “Yes, we stuttered our way through…”

Dorian laughed. “Oh, it must have been adorable! I want all the details!”

“All the details of what?” Cullen’s voice came from behind them.

Y/N quickly got out of her chair. “Cullen! Now that you’re here we can finally start with the meeting.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the table.

“But I haven’t had any breakfast, yet,” he protested weakly.

Solas sat down where Y/N sat only moments ago, watching the couple. “Should we tell them that this door leads to her chambers and the war room?”