he sighs. “will you just look at me? you don’t need to say anything.”

you turn to him, eyes fixed on his, but they’re devoid of warmth. you look…tired. and he hates seeing you that way. but he persists, swallowing a lump in his throat.

“i love you.”

silence.

“i didn’t mean for any of that to happen. at all.”

“but it did,” you say monotonously.

“and i’m truly sorry that it did. i didn’t expect her of all people to be there. i didn’t know chanyeol hyung would invite her, either.”

“doesn't he know how weird your ex is?”

kyungsoo winces. “a little, yeah. but i haven’t heard from her in months. you know that. and hyung's just..friendly.”

“just like she is, right?”

kyungsoo runs a hand through his hair, a frustrated exhale escaping his lips. “i don’t know what to say,” he says eventually. “it’s not like i called her to the party. i haven’t wanted to be around her in ages anyway. and i’m here with you, not her. i even pushed her away the second she tried making a move on me. i’m sorry you saw that, and i’m sorry it even happened in the first place. but i don’t know what else to say.”

your gaze drops to your hands resting on your lap. “can we just go home?” you ask quietly.

kyungsoo hates hearing how silent your voice is, like you’re trying not to take up space, but then—

“my home. i think i want to spend the night alone. please, soo,” you add, before he has a chance to interject.

his heart feels like it’s been stabbed. of course it’s not your fault for feeling that way, but he can't ignore how it hurts.

“yeah,” he says, turning on the ignition, hand trembling a little. hopefully you haven’t seen that. “i’ll—yeah. i’ll make sure you get home safe, at least.”

the drive home—to your home—is painfully quiet. there’s no sound of songs from the radio, or your shared playlist, or even random things from your day you always fill kyungsoo in on. it’s just silence, the occasional sound of horns from other vehicles, or the sound of gravel crunching underneath the car’s tyres.

kyungsoo doesn’t like it one bit. it’s unnatural. totally against the way your relationship works. he’s used to listening quietly while he hears you talk. he loves your voice. he loves knowing about things that make you happy. and he loves that you don’t mind him not talking as much. but when you’re silent, too, it feels like there’s something really wrong with the world.

it's not long before you reach your apartment. kyungsoo parks the car and pulls the handbrake. for a minute, neither of you says anything. then you unbuckle your seatbelt and grab your bag.

“’night, kyungsoo,” you say, not looking at him, and that’s what finally breaks him.

he reaches out to grab your hand, fingers finding yours.

he’ll take the silence. he’ll take you being upset for whatever happened tonight even though it’s not exactly his fault. but having to hear his full name?

kyungsoo may not be a softie to everyone who knows him, but he’ll be damned if he goes to bed without hearing you call him by his nickname.

“i love you. tell me you know that.”

you sigh. “...i do.”

“only you, sweetheart. there’s been no one else for me since you, and i know there won’t be anyone else again. believe me, please?”

he can almost see the cogs running in your brain, thinking over his words, and then you slump in your seat, posture no longer poised.

“you said it was going to be a fun night out tonight.”

“i know. and i’m so s—”

“i’m not mad at you, soo,” you say, finally looking at him. “just…upset. but don’t apologize to me. it’s not your fault.”

your words feel like ambrosia to a starving man. “sweetheart…”

“i just wanted to hear that from you. that you love me.”

“what can i do to make you believe me? do you want me to shout it to everyone? i can try doing that for you.”

there’s a smile on your face. finally. kyungsoo’s grip on your hand relaxes, but you hold his tighter.

“who are you, and what did you do to my usually reserved boyfriend?”

“just a man in love with you,” kyungsoo says, reaching out to cup your face in his hand.

you close your eyes and lean into his touch. “always know what to say, don’t you?”

“it’s just the truth.”

you nod. “i love you too, soo. sorry i acted like that. i didn't want to ruin your mood.”

“you didn't,” he insists, appalled at the very thought. “i'm always happy when i'm with you.”

there's silence again, but it's comfortable this time. eventually, you move away to open the door and get out.

part of him wants to follow you home, occupy his side of your bed, fall asleep to the sound of your breathing.

the other part of him, the gentlemanly part, resists. you wanted to be alone, after all.

but then you're leaning in through the open window, a confused look on your face.

“you're not coming with me?”

kyungsoo sits up. “i thought you said—”

“yeah, well, that was before my boyfriend declared his love to me like the cheesiest man in the world. hurry up now, i want to see that movie you were talking about yesterday.”

It was a Wednesday afternoon when you matched with the Taurus. He’s cute. He looks smart. You tilt your head curiously, already imagining what your first date will be like. 

A pen taps against the top of your phone, snapping you out of it. 

“Study.” Kyungsoo says, not even looking at you. His eyes stay glued to his textbook, highlighting notes. 

“What do you think of him?” You ignore his nagging and shove your phone in his face. 

Kyungsoo sucks in his cheek before he sighs and takes your phone. He scrolls through this new guy’s profile.  

He likes to hike, you don’t. He’s a finance major; you’re an education major. He likes wine, you think wine is for the rich and snobby. 

The more he reads, the deeper his frown gets. He scrolls a bit more, “Oh, he’s a Taurus. You like those.” 

“Exactlyyyyyy~” You sing, taking back your phone with a wide smile. 

“But you have nothing in common.” Kyungsoo says, concern in his voice.  

You ignore him. 

“I already asked for his birthday. He has a Leo in Mars and Cancer in Venus. Do you know what that means??” You test him, holding your pencil as a mic to his face.  

"That you’ve gone insane?” He blinks at you. 

“Noooo,” You draw out the word, lightly tapping his nose with your pencil. He frowns, making you smile at how cute he looks. Any girl would be lucky to have Kyungsoo, you think to yourself. “It means that we’re compatible in bed and in relationships.” 

Kyungsoo stares at you in disbelief. He tries to go back to his studies. You don’t let him. 

“Kyungsoo~” You whine, wanting his attention back on you. “This could be the one.” 

His eyes look up at you then back to his textbook. “Kyungsooooo~” You wave your pencil in his face. 

"I’m giving you 10 minutes to get it out of your system and then you’re giving me a good half hour study session.” Kyungsoo says, very annoyed and stressed. There is a test next week and he’s only gotten through the first chapter. You have the same test, yet you did not seem to be a bit concerned.  

“Okay deal,” You agree, smiling at him. “He has a Capricorn in Mercury so you know he’ll be a good communicator.” 

“I’m a Capricorn.” Kyungsoo says matter-of-factly, giving you his full attention. You nod excitingly. 

“That’s what I’m saying. I get along very well with Capricorns.” You say like it’s something Kyungsoo should already know. Your friend nods, like you’re suddenly making sense to him. You don’t. But you’re a breath of fresh air so he pretends for you.  

"When are you seeing him?” He asks, entertaining the conversation.  

“Tomorrow! So that way, we can debrief on Friday.” You say happily. The debriefs are your favourite parts of dating. “You’re available Friday, right?” 

Kyungsoo nods, “Yeah. I can be free.” He takes his phone out to add you to his calendar. 

“Such a Capricorn.” You say before you pencil him in your own agenda. 

“Okay, Virgo.” 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

Friday does not come fast enough. You’ve been anxious to tell Kyungsoo all about your date on Thursday. It did not go well. You wait for Kyungsoo to finally get home from his classes, choosing to sit in the hallway instead of the lounge downstairs. 

You stand up to ring his doorbell again. “Kyungsoo, can you come a little faster please?” You whine into the camera, hoping he was watching the footage. 

“I’m there in 2 minutes.” He says through the camera. You smile, “Thank youuuu!” 

You clean up the organized mess you made in the hallway. There were textbooks and various highlighters and pens laid on the floor. Kyungsoo’s neighbour came out and had to hop around your chaos. “Sorry Auntie!! I’m just waiting for Kyungsoo.” You apologize, smiling at the nice lady who lives across from Kyungsoo. 

“Next time, just knock. You shouldn’t have to wait on the floor.” The nice lady, whose name you forget, smiles sweetly before leaving.  

Kyungsoo arrives just as she leaves. He bows to her and she doesn’t even acknowledge him. “Why does she hate me? But loves you?” Kyungsoo whispers, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

“My aura is just that good.” You say, putting the last of your things in your bag in order of when you might need them and keeping the ones you do need out. Kyungsoo picks up a highlighter you dropped and stuffs it in your flannel’s pocket. “Thank you.”  

“You’re welcome.” He smiles, before unlocking the door to his apartment. He lets you in first, following behind. “I’m just going to change really quickly.” 

You nod, finding a spot on his dining table to leave your stuff. The fridge calls you, begging for it to be opened. You follow that small voice in your head.  

“Yessss!” You exclaim, grabbing your favourite soda can from his fridge. Your eyes shift to the stove, finding a pot filled with dumpling soup. Hungry, you turn on the heat and grab 2 bowls. 

“Oh good, you’re heating up the food.”  

You turn to Kyungsoo who is currently putting on a white shirt and wearing baggy flannel pyjama pants. Your eyes flick to his stomach. Your breath gets caught in your throat when you see a hint of his skin, and are those abs? You shake your head. That’s Kyungsoo. 

He notices the way you pause. “What?” He asks, pulling his shirt all the way down. 

“Nothing.” You say, turning back to the soup. “How many dumplings do you want?” 

“Mmm, 5.” Kyungsoo is beside you, grabbing the chopsticks and spoons. So close, you can smell his laundry detergent. You ladle the soup and dumplings into the bowls. Kyungsoo grabs them before you could and places them on the table. You turn off the heat before following him in the dining area. 

“Okay so, basically,” You start before you even get to your seat. Kyungsoo smiles at your eagerness to share. “He’s an unhealed Cancer Venus.” 

“I don’t know what that means.” He takes one sip of the soup.  

“It means that he’s a fuckboy.” You say like it’s obvious to everyone but Kyungsoo. A lot of what you say should make sense to Kyungsoo in your head. You shove a dumpling in your mouth. “He said every cliché in the book, Kyungsoo. He was all like you’re not like those other girls. And, and, oh, i’ve seen you around campus but I was too shy which is bullshit because why would he be in my building. Oh my god, and then he kept going on and on about whatever the fuck - what’s a bond?”  

“Stop talking with your mouth full.” He says, handing you a napkin. His expression shows disgust and concern that you’ll choke on your food with how passionately you’re speaking. “He’s exactly who I told you he would be. 

You roll your eyes before taking the napkin and wiping your mouth quickly. “I just can’t believe how boring he was. He was supposed to be grounded and exciting.” You sigh; the stars have failed you once again.  

“Grounded and exciting are antonyms.” He raises an eyebrow at you. “I told you you guys didn’t have anything in common. He’s in finance.” 

"And I’m in education; you don’t see me educating on a first date.” You complain before shoving another dumpling into your mouth, this time, making sure to chew properly. You swallow and wipe your mouth with Kyungsoo’s napkin. You catch a small smile appear on his face, making you smile too. 

“Fair.” Kyungsoo blows on his spoon and takes a clean sip, quietly. It’s a bit psychotic that he doesn’t slurp his soup. It makes you wonder if Kyungsoo has ever choked on his food. “Eat, it’s gonna get cold.” Kyungsoo says, noticing your stare.  

You nod, eating as fast as you could so you could rant some more. Kyungsoo’s mouth is hanging open at how quickly you golfed down the scalding soup. “You’re insane.” He says, dumbfounded. 

“Anyways, I’m done with Tauruses. I’m moving on to better things.” You struggle to open the can of soda, your nails too long to do so. 

“Like?” Kyungsoo asks, curiously because you have proven yourself to be a wild card. He opens the can for you. 

“Like a Scorpio!” You declare with all your might, grabbing the soda and slamming it down on the table. Kyungsoo’s eyes widen when the soda fizzes out of the can and instinctively grabs the napkins to clean the liquid mess on the table.  

“A Scorpio? What’s that?” He asks as he cleans up the fizzy drink. 

“Yes, I hear they’re emotionally intense and would be perfect romantically.” You explain the reasoning behind your outburst, now finding a napkin to set your can on. He gets up to throw the wet napkins away, taking your empty bowl too. 

“You’re already emotionally intense.” He says before disappearing into the kitchen. He comes back with a dessert in hand. A chocolate slice of cake shines in his hand. You gasp dramatically. 

“You take such good care of me.” You almost cry, grabbing the fork from Kyungsoo. He laughs at you before setting the cake in front of you.  

“See, emotionally intense.” Kyungsoo says again. You roll your eyes, digging into Kyungsoo’s cake instead. 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

Life is written in the stars for you. It has to be. If it wasn’t, you would not be trying to pick up your books after bumping into a stranger. If it wasn’t, you would not be locking eyes with this ridiculously handsome stranger who is helping you pick up said books. If it wasn’t, you would not be flirting with this stranger with the most insanely attractive smile. 

“Hi,” He smiles, handing you back your books. “I’m sorry, I should watch where I’m going. I’m Hyungjun.” He extends a hand out to you. You reach out, trying to balance yourself with the books in your arms. You both giggle at the awkward introductions.  

“Wow,” He pauses, tilting his head a bit. “You’re really pretty.” 

You blush, “Oh, thank you.” He looks at you like you are the most amusing person in this hallway.  

“Could I get your number?”  

Your heart melts. You’ve really manifested this man into your life. You grab his phone and enter your number in his contacts.  

“Perfect, I’ll call you to set a date.” He smiles and waves before leaving you alone with emotions you cannot handle. You really wish Kyungsoo was almost done with his study group. 

You sigh, turning around to meet the very familiar chest of your friend. The excited gasp escapes your lips as you look up to find Kyungsoo. “What was that?” He asks, looking behind you. 

“I think I just met the man of my dreams.” The smitten look you get when you meet someone is back on your face. Kyungsoo has a deep feeling in his chest. It’s heavy like bricks are stacked on it. It’s a bit hard to breathe. He dismisses it. He must be nervous for the group project, the meeting he had was not very productive.  

“Man of your dreams? Really?” He says, adjusting your backpack strap on your shoulder. It slipped when you turned around.  

“Yes! We bumped into each other like it was a movie and then, he helped pick up my books. His name is Hyungjun. I gave him my number. Oh shoot, I forgot to ask for his birthday.” You ramble on and Kyungsoo laughs at how cute you look. Wait, cute? He shakes his head. 

“What I’m hearing is that he lacks spatial awareness.” He says as you both start walking side by side, heading to your favourite coffee shop.  

“No, that was destiny intervening. It heard that I wanted a Scorpio romance and it gave it to me. Wouldn’t it be insane if he turned out to be a Scorpio?” You’re smiling at him, eyes scrunching in excitement.  

“Bonkers.” He says sarcastically. He grabs your books and puts them under his arms. He doesn’t understand why you bring a backpack if you’re just going to hold these books. You always tell him that Virgos are organized, but Kyungsoo finds that you have the weirdest ways to organize yourself. You told him that you like to have the books you need to use right away outside of your bag, so you didn’t have to look for them. Kyungsoo has repeatedly told you that you should just bring the ones you need for that day. You refused, telling him “you never know what you’re going to need that day”. And Kyungsoo always ends up carrying your books because you shouldn’t have to carry your entire semester alone. 

“Very bonkers!” You say, accepting his mockery. Kyungsoo laughs at you, grabbing the door to the coffee shop for you. You happily walk in and greet the baristas. “Thank you.” You smile up at Kyungsoo when he hands you your books back. You don’t hear Kyungsoo’s heart race.  

You do hear him exhale loudly. 

“What’s wrong?” You ask, concerned. 

“I think this group project is stressing me out a bit. The team I got is a bit disorganized.” He says, releasing another sigh before leaning back in his chair, shuffling his hand in his hair in frustration. 

“Can’t be worse than that Aquarius girl. Remember?” You grin, reminiscing about the first and only project you shared with Kyungsoo. It was a general course you both needed to do for credit. That was the first time you ever met someone so competent and so organized. Lights sparked when Kyungsoo appeared in your life. It’s a shame he was a business major. You would’ve shared every course with him if you could. 

“Of course. How could I forget our origin story?” He smiles widely, the deep feeling in his chest finally leaves his body. “She was so...” 

“Flighty?” You finish his thought. “She didn’t even finish her part on time. She just left.” You laugh, still in disbelief of the situation. “I wanted to cry.” 

“You did cry.” He laughs, his smile reaching his eyes. The memory of you bawling your eyes out in the study room at midnight will always make him chuckle. You looked so helpless. It was so cute. He couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Whatever! I’m just saying it can’t be worse than that. You handled everything so smoothly.” You confess your appreciation to him. Kyungsoo’s gaze softens. You feel like crying, thinking about the immense love you have for Kyungsoo and your friendship. Maybe you are emotionally intense. “Honestly, I don’t know how I got through life before you.” 

“You got by just fine.” He assures you, reaching over to tap your hand lightly.  

“No, seriously, I was spiraling and you took over so easily. You’ll get through this group project. I have faith in you.” You pause. “Thank you for being my friend, Kyungsoo.” 

Kyungsoo winces, unsure why.  

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

Emotionally intense. 

The words ring in your mind as you curl up in your bed, crying your heart out. Turns out, Hyungjun is a Scorpio. He did live up to be as emotional and romantic as you fantasized. Unfortunately for you, it ended as strongly as it started.  

You don’t have the courage to call anyone for help, choosing to isolate yourself to heal the pain away. Your heart wants Kyungsoo to sense something is wrong and take care of you. But Kyungsoo is dealing with a lot of stress with his final group project; you can’t bear the thought of bothering him. 

Hyungjun and you had been dating for almost a month. It was a real life whirlwind romance. He brought you to the most romantic spots. You experienced so many movie clichés within the time you were dating. It felt almost too good to be true.  

And it was. 

Hyungjun had made the mistake of leaving his phone on the table. You should have minded your business; you weren’t even official yet. His phone pinged and your curiosity got the best of you. You had peeked and found a notification from a dating app. Your stomach dropped at the sight. You fought the entire night until you decided that it was too exhausting and stormed off alone. 

Your phone is filled with messages from him. Numerous apologies that are all starting to blob into one big blur. You throw it far from you on your bed, frustrated and angry at him. 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

Kyungsoo glances at his phone. 10:52 pm. He thinks it’s a bit late for you to not be home yet, especially for a Thursday night. You should be texting him to confirm tomorrow. He frowns; he doesn’t feel good. 

Before Kyungsoo could even think, he was already walking out of his door and into the cold air.  

His mind is racing to a million things. No matter how the date went, you were always quick to update him. He’ll just check on you quickly.  

No one could have warned him of the heaviness he would be feeling in his chest when you opened the door, eyes red, nose sniffling and blanket wrapped around your shoulders. Kyungsoo is quick to come inside and hug you as tightly as he could. You find yourself melting in his embrace, crying even harder because thank God Kyungsoo always knows. 

“Why didn’t you call me?” He asks, rubbing your back comfortingly. You struggle to say the words, hiccupping every second word that he just shushes you and brings you back to your bed. You curl back up and rest your head on his lap; his legs extended to get comfortable on your bed. He has his hands in your hair, stroking it lightly. And he looks at you. Maybe for the first time. Because for the first time, he thinks to himself: how could someone hurt such a beautiful person like you? 

His heart is hurting at the sight of you like this. His lively, cheery, and always optimistic friend. You didn’t deserve this. It made him so, so, so upset. He spent the rest of the night stroking your hair until you both fell asleep. 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

The light shines through your cheap curtains and serves as an alarm clock. Your nose finds a fresh aroma, almost like laundry detergent. You inhale the clean sun-dried smell one more time before your eyes shoot open.  

Sometime in the night, somehow, in some way, you had moved to lay your head on his chest. His hand is still tangled in your hair while yours rested on his stomach. You feel your heart race at the domestic scene.  

Panicked, you shake Kyungsoo out of his sleep. 

His brows furrow, but his hands have moved from your hair to stretch above his head. Your eyes instinctively peek at the skin revealed from his stretches. You inhale sharply, “Thank you for staying with me.” You’re sat up now, far far away from his chest.  

A smile reaches his face, “Always.” He sits up with you and looks at you softly like you’ll break easily. “Next time, you call me right away. I don’t care what you think I’m doing. You call me.” He reaches for you absentmindedly and softly brushes a thumb on your cheek. You were leaning into his touch a bit too comfortably, not realizing what line you two had just crossed, until Kyungsoo’s thumb halts.  

Kyungsoo is the one to notice it first. How different everything was changing. How he wasn’t just being protective anymore. How he might be – He can’t say it. 

His hand drops slowly to his side. You feel a bit disappointed at the loss of his warmth.  

He clears his throat and moves out of your bed. “You should drink some water.” You watch as he navigates around your place like he lives here, easily finding the glass and the water in the fridge. Something feels weird inside your chest. It’s beating a little too fast at the sight of Kyungsoo preparing a glass of water for you. 

“Thank you.” You say, finding it hard to look at him. Your eyes avert to your phone instead, wincing at the multiple messages from Hyungjun. “You’re going to be late for your 9am.” 

“It’s fine. I’ll ask for notes. What do you want to do today?” The bed dips as he sits down next to you. You’re playing with the glass in your hold, deep in thought. Kyungsoo notices. He always does. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, I just...” You finally look at him. His eyes are already on you. You take a sip of the water to avoid them again. You don’t see Kyungsoo that way, but your body seems to think differently. “Maybe... Can you stay and watch movies with me?” 

“Of course.” He smiles, grabbing the remote from your nightstand and instantly putting on one of your favourite romantic comedies.  

You stare at him. And really see him this time. 

The pounding in your chest grows louder and louder. Afraid Kyungsoo will hear, you grab a pillow and hold it close to you, hoping it muffles it. Kyungsoo mistakes it as you being cold and pulls the blanket over you. It worsens the loud pounding. 

You spend a little too much time looking at Kyungsoo instead of the movie that day, in pure disbelief of what you were currently feeling. 

You like Kyungsoo.  

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

The semester was finally over. Kyungsoo survived his group project. You survived your love life. And all you want to do is celebrate with your best friend. 

“Some friends are inviting me to their place. Do you wanna go?” Kyungsoo asks, looking down at the text on his phone. At this point, you are down for anything to kickstart the summer.  

Kyungsoo and you hadn’t spent actual quality time alone together since that day. Since you started feeling things you should not be feeling for a friend. It was all frustrating to you. You weren’t able to be in a room alone with him. Not when you were in constant agony, wanting to touch him like you did when you were resting on his chest. You were yearning for Kyungsoo and it was becoming physically painful. 

You had always managed to find another person to add as a buffer. It was easier to distract yourself from staring at him too long when you had other people there to stop you. 

“Yeah, I’m down.” You say, not really looking up at him in his passenger seat, pretending to scroll on your phone. Being in the car with him was probably the first time you’ve truly been alone. You can see him nod in the corner of your eye before shifting the car into drive and off to his friend's house. 

The radio plays quietly. 

“Remember Jongin? He’s going to be there.” Kyungsoo says, very casually. 

You look up at him, confused.  

“He’s, uh…” He thinks for a second, finding the word. “A Capricorn. I think you two would get along.” 

You furrow your brows even further. Kyungsoo is avoiding your stare, focusing on the road. But you can tell that he’s nervous. Like he knows this isn’t what he wants to say. 

"I don’t want to date anyone right now.” You say bluntly. You’re not sure why Kyungsoo would suddenly want you to date again after the disaster that happened to you last month. 

"Ah, sorry...” He apologizes, letting the radio take over the silence once again.  

The car goes to a halt at the red light. 

“Are you mad at me?” He asks, turning his head slightly to check on you. 

That question is enough to make your heart sink in guilt. You finally look up from your phone and find his eyes. They’re already set on you.  

"No,” You say simply. “Are you mad at me?” It comes out softly, afraid of the answer. 

“Of course not.” He replies quickly. “But things feel different. Like you can’t even look at me properly.” 

The light turns green and he continues. “I’m sorry if I did something wrong.” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” You quickly defend him, looking at him for the longest time since that day to prove a point to yourself. His brows furrow at your response. He knows something is wrong. He just can’t quite place it yet.  

“Then why does it feel like you’ve been avoiding me? You haven’t been waiting for me after class anymore and it’s like you don’t want to be alone with me. You’re always inviting people to our study dates.” His observation is impeccable, as usual. You can’t hide anything from Kyungsoo. He knows everything about you. He notices the small things. He notices you. And that makes you fall even harder for him.  

“I’ve been busy studying for finals. And you had that big group project too.” You attempt to defend yourself to him. But he doesn’t buy it. He finally pulls over to the side and shifts the car into park. 

“You’ve never been too busy before.” His body turns to you. His face shows concern. Normally, he would reach out to you, but you look so much like a wounded puppy that he’s so afraid you’ll flinch and run away. “What’s going on with you?” 

You shake your head. “I can’t tell you. You’ll get mad at me.” 

Kyungsoo’s head tilts, trying to find your eyes and beg them to look at him. “I can never be mad at you. I just miss my best friend.” 

“Just tell me.” He says with a straight face and voice strict now.  

“Can’t we just go to this thing and pretend I’m not being weird?” You make him snort. He misses your humour. It felt like you were restraining yourself these past few weeks. 

“Fine.” He says, unable to say no to you when he got to see you be you, even for just a second. A smile finally reaches your face when you see him laugh. His heart settles. “We’ll pin it.” 

“Deal.” You smile, extending a hand for him to shake. He raises an eyebrow before he grins and shakes it affirmatively. 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

There are people scattered everywhere in Kyungsoo’s friend’s house. You thought it would be a small get together to celebrate the end of the semester. Kyungsoo and you were so wrong.  

The music was blasting through some very powerful speakers. You can feel the bass on your skin. It felt like you were at a club. You’ve never been to a club before. You don’t even know if you can dance. You observe the crowd in awe. Everyone seems to know what to do and where to go. You watch carefully as Kyungsoo greets his friends, making sure to stay close to him. He seems so outgoing and cheery. He’s very different with you, a lot quieter with you. He acts like you do with him. You suck in a cheek, jealous that his friends get to have this Kyungsoo.  

“Is this your girlfriend?” A friend asks, breaking you from your overthinking bubble. Your eyes dart to Kyungsoo who is smiling but shakes his head in response. Your heart breaks a bit when he introduces you as his friend. 

“This is Jongin.” Kyungsoo introduces his friend: the Capricorn he’s been talking about. Before you could say anything, Kyungsoo disappears from your side, muttering something about getting drinks which you knew was a lie. There is no reason for Kyungsoo to be pushing you this hard to date again. And yet, he was. 

“So,” Jongin grins at you, looking you up and down. “Have any plans for the summer?” 

You blink, your eyes unintentionally drifting to Kyungsoo near the drinks table. “Not really.” You say, your mind focused elsewhere. A girl has now found her way to Kyungsoo’s side, helping him pour drinks into his cup. You frown. 

“Earth to you.” Jongin snaps you out of it again, waving a hand in your face.  

“Sorry.” You apologize quickly, darting your eyes back to Kyungsoo’s friend. He is cute. Kyungsoo really knows your type. “I don’t really have any plans for the summer. Just gonna play it by ear.”  

Jongin nods, still grinning at you when you get distracted again. “You’re looking at him a lot for someone who isn’t his girlfriend.” Jongin finally catches your attention. You can feel the heat rush to your cheeks in embarrassment.  

“He’s my best friend.” You say simply, but Jongin looks unconvinced. He hums as he takes a sip from his cup. Your eyes flicker to Kyungsoo who is bending down to hear that girl speak to him. Apparently pouring drinks requires conversation. 

“You’re frowning.” Jongin is smiling at you teasingly. “Quick, he’s on his way.” He laughs; you don’t. You do remove the frown and watch Kyungsoo come back to your side.  

“Do you have any plans for the summer, Jongin?” You ask, pretending like you’ve been engaged in this conversation this whole time. Jongin finds this amusing, unable to hide the grin on his face. Kyungsoo hands you a cup as he darts his eyes between the two of you.  

“Not really.” Jongin mocks your previous answer. If you weren’t so in love with Kyungsoo, this would have won you over. You miss the old you who was blind to her own feelings. She would have loved to flirt with Jongin.  

“I think I’m going to get some air.” Kyungsoo suddenly says. Your attention turns to him immediately then back to Jongin who nudges you to follow him with a simple nod. Your legs move faster than your mind, already trailing behind Kyungsoo.  

He slows down and, like a choreographed dance, you end up by his side. 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

You slide the backdoor close before following Kyungsoo to the porch swing. He follows your form, his expression unreadable. You sit beside him. 

“You didn’t have to follow me.” He says, breaking the silence. It’s quiet outside. If you didn’t know anything, you would never suspect a party was going on in the house.  

“I wanted air too.” You shrug, lying to him and yourself. You remove your shoes and bring your legs on the swing to sit criss-crossed. He watches you settle comfortably at his side, a small smile creeping up on his face.  

“You didn’t like Jongin? He seemed to be interested.” He asks, focused on you, waiting to see your reaction.  

You shake your head. “Not really.” You laugh to yourself. Kyungsoo doesn’t quite get it, but he chuckles with you.  

It slowly gets quiet again. You breathe in and exhale. 

“You can’t leave me alone like that.”  

Kyungsoo laughs a bit before realizing that you’re serious. “But you like meeting new people.” He’s looking at you with a very confused look on his face. You can’t blame him. You’re confused too. 

“I just... I don’t like it when you leave me.” You feel like throwing up. It’s becoming harder and harder to express how you feel without spilling everything.  

“I told you I went to get drinks for us.” He says, unable to tell if you’re mad or just upset. His brows are stuck together in confusion. You’ve never been upset to be left alone before. 

“Yeah, but then you were talking to everyone with a much different energy than you do with me. And that girl-” You pause, fidgeting nervously. You realize you’re just spewing out nonsense at this point. None of this is making any sense to you. None of it has ever bothered you before. “You just acted different tonight. I’m not used to it. It made me feel out of place.” You force a laugh. “I’m sorry. We’re pretending I’m not being weird.” 

Kyungsoo doesn’t respond immediately, giving himself time to think.  

“I feel like you’re hiding something from me.” Kyungsoo clocks you immediately. Your mouth tightens to a flat line, unable to respond. He’s studying your expression. Then takes a deep breath in.  

“I don’t think you’re upset about being left alone at this party.” He pauses, watching you rub your hands on your pants nervously. His fingers reach out to yours. You feel his touch, soft and fragile against your skin. It’s comforting. You bring your attention to him and he smiles. Your breath hitches at the soft way he’s looking at you.  

“I think that little Virgo brain of yours,” He continues, interlacing his fingers with yours. “is overthinking a million tiny things and trying to organize them into little folders in that weird filing system of yours. I don’t think any of those things actually bother you.” 

You snort, laughing at him trying to make an astrology comment.  

“I’m sorry for not noticing it sooner.” He says seriously, squeezing your hand reassuringly. You can feel your palms sweating profusely. You blink at him, still confused as to where he is going with this but holding him like this is feeding into that craving for him you’ve been trying so hard to push down. You wish you could stay like this with him forever. 

You exhale. The air is still. The sounds of the party aren't audible. The leaves on the trees are moving ever so slowly. It’s peaceful.  

Kyungsoo reaches for your cheek, lightly nudging you to look in his direction. There’s a twinkle in his eye when your own pair fall on his. 

"Kyungsoo?” You can barely make a sound, your voice stuck in your throat.  

“I love you.” His voice is quiet and low, meant only for you to hear. You feel yourself melt into his touch with the sound of those three words. Your eyes flick to his lips then back to his own pair of brown eyes. You lean in closer, slowly pressing your lips to his. His hand moves from your cheek to the back of your neck. The kiss starts off gentle, afraid to scare one another away. He pulls you in, applying more pressure to your mouth. And it hits you. You’re kissing Kyungsoo. 

The corners of your lips lift slightly to form a small smile. Kyungsoo chases after your lips, wanting more. “You’re laughing.” 

“I can’t believe I’m kissing you.” You cover your mouth to hide your growing grin. Kyungsoo laughs with you, pulling your hand back down so he could kiss you some more. You let him. This time the kiss is playful. You can’t stop chuckling between kisses, in complete disbelief of tonight’s turn of events. 

“I can’t believe you got jealous of that girl helping me pour drinks for you.” He says, laughing at you. You playfully pout at him.  

“She did not have to be talking to you with googly eyes.” You warn him. “Only I can googly eye you.” Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow at you. 

“You’re so weird.” He teases before he leans back into the swing and pulling you with him. His arm is around you and he pulls you in so your head is right under him, the perfect angle for him to kiss the top of your head. “My weird little Virgo.” 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁

Epilogue 

You can’t prove it. But you know the ring exists. 

Kyungsoo watches over his phone as you scan the room suspiciously, vacuum still in hand. He’s looking at you amusingly, trying to figure out what your brain is up to this time. The frown on your face is so prominent. He’s afraid you’ll stay like that forever if he doesn’t fix your problem. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, breaking the trance you were in. Instead of answering his question, the most mischievous smile appears on your face. He can’t stop smiling as you find a comfortable spot on his lap. You’re holding him affectionately while he settles a hand on your lower back. “Can I help you?” He laughs as you grin down at him.  

"Where is it?” You finally ask, lashes fluttering cartoonishly. He bursts out laughing. He knows what you’re looking for but he can’t believe you’d have the audacity to ask. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He smiles sheepishly, pretending to be oblivious. You narrow your eyes on him, highly suspicious.  

“You’ve been calling my sister an awful lot lately.” Your eyes lower, darkening as you try to get to the bottom of the mystery.  

“She’s nice.” He rubs your back fondly, his cheeks starting to hurt from how much he’s been smiling. You massage his shoulders lovingly. He loves it. He loves you. 

“Suddenly, my Pisces sister is nice? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you two hang out without me.” You’re both looking at each other, amused by the other. It’s been 4 years of complete bliss. All you want to do is find that stupid ring and see if Kyungsoo bought the correct shape and band for you. It was driving you insane. 

“Yeah, we like to talk about you.” Kyungsoo moves your hair aside and lightly kisses your neck. You hum, getting distracted by the pecks.  

“Mmm, did you ask anything about a pear? Or princess?” It’s not enough for you to forget your mission. 

“Yes! We talk about your favourite movie Princess Diaries all the time, love.” 

You shove him playfully, getting off his lap and grabbing your vacuum from the floor. "You’re so annoying!”  

"What’s the point of a surprise proposal if there is no surprise?” Kyungsoo gets up to snake his arms around your waist. He kisses you on the cheek. “I promise you’ll see it soon.” 

Kyungsoo is very glad that your spontaneous need to reorganize the whole apartment hasn't decided to tackle the miscellaneous box of “important random things” sitting at the bottom of your closet.  

Three hours into the road trip, and you think the conviction of this decision carries with it the bitterness of gunpowder and the relief of satisfaction, two distinct feelings entirely befitting the situation you have found yourself in. A five hour journey is long enough on its own, time blurring seamlessly around you in the close confines of a car - but, when pressed against Kyungsoo like this, against the strong muscles of his arms and thighs, feeling the heat of his warm skin radiating into yours, five hours is centuries of pining. These hours are too long for anyone to survive, the weight of yearning compressing your lungs into phantoms of their former glory, breath too quiet, and too slow, afraid of disrupting the fragile pretense of peace.

Being this close to him, this close to the embodiment of your pining, carries the same impact in your bones as a cataclysm, and so you grimace in dismay, silently aware that you might not even live to make good on your silent promise. Baekhyun will live another day and you will wither amongst the remainder of your desire, buried with yet another promise you failed to keep.

Somewhere in an alternate universe, you are happy, and this happiness comes easily. In a different life, you are comfortable, riding in Chanyeol’s car with him, his girlfriend, and Yixing, listening to the playlist Chanyeol had enthusiastically curated for the journey. You would be laughing, talking, teasing - or, perhaps, none of those things, instead luxuriating the jovial warmth that always seems to bloom in their company, the kind that overtakes you without warning, mind unfocused and hazy with thoughts of freedom.

Instead, your back presses into the middle seat of Junmyeon’s old car, knees and thighs aching with the effort of making yourself small between Kyungsoo and Yixing. Glancing to your right, you eye Yixing’s placidly neutral expression, his unfazed smile as he teases Sehun, reaching forward to ruffle his hair from behind the seat. Briefly, you envy him, his loud laugh and the way things are always uncomplicated for him - the way he always gives over out of love, even if he has the briefest moments of internal protest.

At 8AM, Baekhyun insisted he bring his new fling on this vacation. It was important, he said, his eyes pleading with you and Yixing, the puppy dog expression you'd grown used to fixed securely in his cheeks and pout. Chanyeol’s car would be the couples car, and so it was important he be there to set the mood. Yixing had eyed him amicably, biting the inside of his cheek with an endeared sense of amusement, complaining only because the plush seats of Chanyeol’s car were far more comfortable and because it would insight a brief riot in Baekhyun that served only to amuse him further. 

And he conceded almost immediately, an ever supportive wingman, winking at Baekhyun before excusing himself to gather his things. 

You, however, protested valiantly, arms crossed over your chest and heart unmoved. Baekhyun pleaded, promised french fry dates and to do your dishes for a week - even though he does not live with you, even though you actually enjoy doing your dishes, and, still, you protested, lips pursed and eyebrow cocked in disdain. 

But, standing gracefully in the doorway, the sunlight gliding over his shoulders, craving an angle against his jaw you found almost holy, far too magnificent to be human, Kyungsoo laughed. The deep honey chocolate of his tone brought gooseflesh to your skin, teeth biting down on your tongue to keep your spine from trembling; your favourite laugh, and one he so rarely gives only to you. Behind him, Chanyeol’s tall frame lingered by his car, calling for anyone to get in so he could make his departure, and you think Kyungsoo’s bemused, affectionate smile is really what you agreed to. 

Hours of his smile, even if it was put out, even if it was a barely there glimmer of fond annoyance, even if it faded almost as quickly as it came - this is what you agreed to. 

Even if it meant letting your own heart break, and mend, and shatter once more, chest tight with the burden of proximity.

‘I can feel you looking at me,’ he mumbles, just softly enough that only you can hear the dulcet nature of his voice, teasing and sharp.

Shifting beneath your gaze, his arm nudges gently into yours, soft and supple and smooth, the cotton of his white shirt reduced to little more than rough muslin in comparison. He keeps his head turned as he looks out the window, one hand in his lap while the other holds his chin in its palm, trees and grass streaking past beneath an endless expanse of blue sky. Sunlight pours through the window onto him, casting shadows along his jaw and cheeks that somehow make the curvature of his lips ever more pronounced in profile. 

Around you both, conversations live and die, the rippling cadence of Yixing’s laugh losing its edges as you continue to stare, unblinking, at the hard edge of Kyungsoo’s jaw. 

‘Is there something you want?’ At this, he directs his attention to you, your dry mouth and unwavering gaze, hand still cradling his chin as he regards you expectantly. 

His eyes move over you slowly, taking their time getting acquainted with your features in this light. You feel him where you never feel anyone - all over you, yet ephemeral and nowhere at all, this kind of touching a mystery that runs deep. In a single moment, he is both above and beneath you, walking over the map of your skin and treading just below the surface, the blood in your veins rushing to your heart in celebration. The air in the small car becomes thin, lungs tight and breath constricted. Your hands curl into fists, pressing nails into the muscle of your mount of Venus, but it is not in frustration or fear, rather, instead, the only way you know how to suppress this insurmountable adoration.

By stopping the surrender before it starts, you do not even have the choice to give in.

Perhaps, in the same life in which you are riding in Chanyeol’s car you are also bold, brave enough to give him the best words, the most beautiful words, the ones you keep perpetually beneath your tongue, waiting. How would he look in the aftermath of honesty? What smile would you be given? Would you even survive? You’re unsure, the aspects of such a reality hidden from you now, and so you swallow thickly, giving moisture to your voice to ensure you can speak, even if it is not entirely brave.

‘You’re blocking the window,’ you lie, surprised that you sound so confident, so calm, when the border between your bodies has been so ruefully challenged.

Eyes squeezing closed, they press into crescent moons as his cheeks rise up along the bones, and Kyungsoo laughs, genuinely amused by the absurdity of your statement. So unlike the booming force of Chanyeol’s laugh or the high pitched delight of Yixing’s, Kyungsoo’s low and deep giggle is a thunderclap in the center of your chest, an endless roll of electric pleasure along your nerves. The force of it has him jostling into your side, shoulders vibrating through the humor, and you feel yourself bristle, wholly unprepared. This moment of contact brings with it the absence of thought, the absence of protest, running far deeper than you imagined it could. In a single moment, your longing threatens to unmake you, wanting more of his pleasure, more of his joy, certain nothing is as sacred or magical as this.

Offering you a sardonic, yet amicable smile, he leans back into the seat, making himself as small as possible to take up the least amount of space. Tucking his arms into his sides, he moves away from the window entirely, and releases a hiss of breath through his nose. One eyebrow cocked in question, he pouts, the fullness of his bottom lip sticking out childishly.

‘Is this better?’ he asks through grit teeth, though his smile is tucked in the corner of his lips as a secret; dawn just about to break over the warm glow of his skin.

In this position, his shirt becomes constricted and stretched over his chest, shoulders, and abdomen, revealing the deep contours of his torso. The mid-morning sun casts him in gold, making a home of the pores of his skin and revealing amber flecks in the chocolate of his eyes. Immediately, your tongue becomes heavy, the taste of light filling your mouth, the taste of him and the heat of your unbridled wanting. Even with the smallness of space he has created, gaps between your bodies revealed where he has since retreated, the warmth between you both is a fire that refuses to die, and, in the aftermath of his simple question, you feel yourself flush.

‘Yes, much,’ you nod, hoping your expression is cordial and unmoved. Because it is true. You find you enjoy this view far more than the one before. ‘Now, if only you can stay like that for two more hours.’

Once more he laughs, enjoying your teasing banter as he relaxes into his previous position. All over again he relaxes into you, comfortable and content, strong muscles of his thighs vibrating into your legs as the car bounces over a bump on the highway. It frustrates you how swiftly the butterflies in your stomach wander into your heart as you watch him, stuttering in its rhythm as a stubborn reminder there is no escape, no fail safe to liberate you from this craving. If anything, the closeness you must endure over the length of this trip is only furthering your desire to shorten the ever present distance between your hearts.

‘Why did you give Baekhyun such a hard time this morning?’

His question interrupts your thoughts, words soft yet his tone carries with it a deceptive bite.

Narrowing your brow, you almost snort in surprise. ‘Because it’s ridiculous. Changing everything around at the last minute,’ you explain incredulously. ‘It’s ridiculous.’ Settling back against the hardness of the middle seat, you stare straight ahead, casting your unfocused gaze out beyond the windshield. ‘I can’t believe you’re even asking, as if you wouldn’t do the same.’

In the years you have known him, there has never been a moment where he allowed Baekhyun to get away with anything - not least without an argument or some form of protest. Moving Kyungsoo from one opinion to the next requires a fair amount of convincing and explaining, and, usually, results in his profound frustration until he gives over just to end the conversation. This morning, Kyungsoo said nothing, and his laugh, his smile, and his acquiescence is more out of place than your childish protesting.

Chuckling, he turns back to the window beside him, nodding slightly. ‘You’re not wrong,’ he muses in agreement.

Silence befalls you both, one that does not contain walls or barriers but is gratified. Kyungsoo comfortably nestles into his position, ready to maintain this pose for several more hours, and you turn to look at him, bewildered.

‘That’s it?’ He seems both completely satisfied with your answer and disinterested in continuing the conversation, and your mind races with a confusion so thick you think your hands could break it. ‘That’s all you wanted out of that?’

Tossing you a placid smile, he nods once more. ‘That’s it.’

Searching his face for answers, you translate his words over and over, breaking them down into their smallest pieces to grasp at what lies beneath. ‘Did you ask just to get a rise out of me?’

He keeps his eyes on the world outside, basking in the gold of daylight. It refuses to let him go, the sun, like always, pretending it is you. 

‘Maybe so.’

It’s after you’ve dropped your bags in your large room, the one with the bay window overlooking the lake, that Kyungsoo asks you to help him make lunch. 

You’re not entirely sure where the others have gone, and you find yourself in the open kitchen hugging yourself, looking around the mess for some way to busy your hands. Too many insulated bags and groceries line the counters, the chaos of them inciting a productive sort of stress, the kind that makes you ready to sort and fix, in your veins. Kyungsoo moves around the room with a confident ease, and for a moment you envy him; the answers already seem to live in his actions, not a single moment of question as he clears space and makes room. 

Outside, you hear the deep baritone of Chanyeol’s gleeful howl as it heads towards the lake. Baekhyun’s voice follows, higher in pitch but just as eager, and in the silence of the room you hear Kyungsoo chuckling to himself. The smallness of his smile is betrayed by the light in his eyes, his own happiness a private paradise he shares only with those who choose to look. 

And even before you had any control over it, before your mind could remind you that you value yourself and your solitude most, you had chosen him. You will always choose him. 

‘Do you want to help me cut the vegetables?’

He doesn’t look at you as he asks the question, unloading the set of knives he brought for the week with careful motions. The silver blades seem to gleam in the midday sun, and you recognize them as the ones you bought for his birthday the year previous. He hadn’t asked for them, hadn’t even suggested you buy him anything, but as you passed the culinary shop window, mesmerized by their sharpness, their danger, their promise, you wondered - would they be a present or a plea? An offering of his happiness or yours, a moment of union between you both in which he would feel joy and you would be the cause of such magnificence. 

They’re well worn now. Even from where you stand, you can see the streaks along the blades from multiple sharpening sessions, and as he holds them you can see the hidden strength that lives in his hands. His hands, rough and powerful, yet still more fine than sand and warm as maple. You have never told anyone about your admiration for the elegant length of his fingers, the peaks and valleys of his knuckles, and the way they seem to hold you, transfix you, satisfy you simply because they are proof beauty is not a face or a voice, but an art inherent to all things living. You suppose you will never tell anyone, his hands a poem for you alone.

Peering up at you curiously through the length of his lashes, he patiently waits for your answer and, for the second time today, you feel him. He is becoming an invasion, your defenses drawn down over the many hours beside him, the length of your thighs still tingling from his touch, and you are so aware of him the ripeness of this attention causes you to shiver.

‘Why are you asking me?’ you ask softly, taking a few tentative steps towards the island where he stands. Everything about your motions, your words, is careful, tender, mindful that this kind of question is fragile. ‘You never let people help in the kitchen.’

He stills as he lifts his head to appraise you, unabashedly taking you in and holding you under the ferocity of his gaze. Any other man and you would call this entrapment, but you are used to giving him everything, used to his penetrative stare and the way he always, without fail, seems to witness every flawed and contradictory piece you try to keep buried. 

‘Because I want you to,’ he says, as if wanting anything is simple.

Aimlessly, you nod at his response, scanning the island counter as you approach with your arms hanging limply at your sides. You’ve surrendered to him without your own permission, but you are not terribly dismayed by this. He asks for help and speaks of wanting as though it’s an easy request, yet the tension at the back of his throat, minimal and almost imperceptible, implies this is something big and bold and frightening for him to say. For as long as you’ve known him, you both have been difficult, anxious, battling yourselves more than you battle the world around you, and so you do not comment on this ask - do not comment on the emotion of it - because you could still be wrong, and he could still take it back.

‘Aren’t you the one with the chef’s license?’ you tease, coming to stand beside him, unloading the food and organizing them into piles to be moved to their respective cupboards or shelves. ‘Wouldn’t my peasant hands ruin your julienne?’

‘Har har.’ The sound of his sarcastic laugh makes you blush, looking over your shoulder as you tuck unneeded cold things into the refrigerator. ‘And no,’ he continues once you’re beside him again, ‘I don’t need things to look pretty today, I just need them to taste good.’

Handing you a knife that fits perfectly in the palm of your outstretched hand, your eyes meet for a moment that is long enough to generate a spark. It blossoms within your blood, the mark of friendship and the mark of love blurring together the same way grief so often follows joy, weaving together to create something tender and something reverent. You look at him, and this moment feels eternal.

‘Besides,’ he mumbles, moving to guide a bunch of scallions, some tomatoes, and freshly peeled garlic on to the cutting board he has laid out for you. ‘Sometimes the most beautiful things in the room are the ones with flaws.’

Entirely unsure what to say to this, you simply bob your head with a noise of interest, a feigned motion of understanding. He does not seem to notice the way his words pierce you, cutting at wounds you have long since done your best to hide from him, and you are glad his smile endures. From the corner of your eye, you watch him carry on, cutting into an onion with little pomp and circumstance, the ghost of his words a phantom that chooses to haunt only you. Your hand trembles only slightly as you move the garlic into position, and you grip the handle tightly to keep your motions steady and even, gathering all your strength to root into the base of your joints.

Moments slip past you freely, moments where you are silent save for the deep inhalation of breath that fills your lungs as you watch him cut. Your friendship with Kyungsoo is still relatively new, in your eyes - two years on and still there are details of his life, his history, his character that elude you. Still, you know him well enough, likely somehow have always known, that he is complicated and oftentimes impossible, unfathomable, thinking too hard about every nuance and detail that colours his choices.

But when he cooks, when he is in the act of creation, making a whole reality to be touched and tasted with his bare hands, you find he has never been so certain of anything. As he turns the onion, halving it swiftly before quartering it, there is no doubt in his actions, no hesitation, and he seems to relax into this confidence, mind wandering freely because there is no room for its criticism.

‘To The Lighthouse or A Room of One’s Own?’ he asks, unprompted.

Tugging your bottom lip between your teeth, you begin slicing the garlic into small pieces as you consider his question. ‘To the Lighthouse.’

You're unsure who started this game, the habit of asking one another questions on your preferences, something that feels so fundamental to your relationship you imagine it is genetic to the very fabric of its existence. It no longer matters who started it, you think, only that it has persisted without ever fading, something you look forward to whenever you're together. Baekhyun finds this game rather comical, often wondering why you even bother when you both know so much about one another at this point old topics must be rehashed. But each time, every time, he says this Kyungsoo simply looks at you with an expression that could stitch together the stars and you know, together, that he is wrong.

Even if a topic is revisited, the answer is always different. In this way, you ensure that you know one another and you still never stop knowing.

Kyungsoo hums at your response. ‘Why?’

This is yet another unwritten rule of the game: for whatever you choose, you must offer a quote or a reason, the one thing you cling to that makes the choice feel superior over the other.

Three months ago, he loaned you both these books, and you had finished them rather quickly. The day you returned them, your fingers grazed as he took them from you, the resulting tremor of this touch leaving your hands caught in a fire that would not cease for days. He didn't ask what you thought beyond if you'd enjoyed them. You suppose he'd been saving it for this moment.

Pressing your palm into the flat of the knife, you compress a clove of garlic and dig deep. You'd given your answer automatically, on impulse, and hadn't truly considered the fact that you must quote the line that made your breath catch and your very bones quake. It hits you now that he's read these words, felt this kind of swooning even if there is distance between your twin heartbreaks; eyes kissing the same page long after one another has departed.

‘It was not knowledge, but unity she desired,' you begin, focusing intently on chopping so as not to lose your will, 'not inscriptions on tablets, nothing that could be written in any language known to men, but intimacy itself - which is knowledge.’

His knife falters in cutting the onion, the blade slipping against the wood of the cutting board as you finish speaking. Glancing out of the corner of your eye, you watch the juice spread beneath his perfect slices, his lips parting slightly as he takes in a slow hiss of breath. Steadying himself, he gathers his composure and begins chopping once more, nodding in agreement.

It is your turn to ask a question, but you take this moment of silence to watch the light from the wide kitchen window nestle between his cupid's bow, understanding with your whole chest why the moon fought so hard to claim the sun.

‘Are you okay?’ you murmur, keeping your tone quiet and gentle, concerned yet distanced, not wanting to embarrass him.

‘Mhmm,’ he hums, flippantly avoiding the question.

‘Dexter or Supernatural,' you inquire, moving your pile of minced garlic to the corner of the board as you gather the bunch of scallions.

‘Dexter,' is his confident reply.

'Have these already been washed?' you divert, and he glances to your hands, nodding. Lining them up, you continue.‘Why?’

Sighing, he unwraps a large cut of fish from its paper packaging, considering his choice. ‘We all make rules for ourselves,' he quotes. 'It’s these rules that help define who we are. So when we break those rules, we risk losing ourselves and becoming something unknown.’

Amidst your meticulous slicing, you feel yourself bristle. In the choice between the two, you agree - Dexter would be your first choice. Yet, you had not expected him to pick this quote, this particular choice carrying with it the weight of your identity. Your understanding of yourself and your needs has always been wrapped up in these few lines, your desire for rules and control the very thing that allows you to relate to the world. Everyone you know finds things both disruptingly and disturbingly true about themselves through their relations with other people, through their relationship to their surroundings.

You relate to yourself and to them through the rules you have cultivated, based on your experiences of others rather than their integration into your life. You want to break free from this, aware that this is only yet another way you stand to complicate your understanding of everything, but you rely on it.

And, it seems, so does he.

He is soft and sensitive, and yet conversely so rigid, operating within his own rules. To step outside would be a great unmaking, and, for one blissful moment, you find there is no space between where you end and he begins. In this understanding, you are both slinking toward a new reality.

Glancing down at your cutting board, you pout. The scallions will be uneven.

Kyungsoo swallows with a low cough, clearing his throat. ‘Neruda or Siken.’

A wide smile blooms across your features, this question perhaps one of the easiest he has ever asked. ‘Siken.’

Using your knife, you push the chopped scallions to the top of your cutting board and slowly roll a few of the tomatoes down to the center. Your smile falters, already picturing the mess of squashed pulp that will come from this. Years of cooking for yourself, but still your hands are too heavy for delicate things. With a small sigh, you angle your knife over the ripe curve, the skin so smooth you think your knife might slide right off without any incision at all. 

As you start to press your knife down, Kyungsoo stops you.

‘Try like this.’

Coming to stand behind you, he takes your hands in his, joining you in holding the knife and holding the vegetable, the touch from his fingers feather light and, conversely, heavy as steel. Your breath halts its journey in your lungs, blood too warm and stagnant in your veins, your heart faltering amidst this disruption. The heat from his chest radiates into your back, meandering down your spine and into your legs, all over your nerves until you wonder if there is anything left of you, any part of you he has not touched. 

He makes being near him feel like a season, full years and days lived in the wake of a breath; your every breath heavy with him, and the things your heart yearns to offer him. Every second full of an exhale transmutes into the precipice of a life well lived, because he is there and smiling and sharing the world with you even if he is not sharing the ardor in your lungs. Kyungsoo is the fifth season, a season unto you, an oncoming wind between the border of summer and autumn, between the heat and the chill, neither a warming nor a cooling but a possibility of both all at once.

You know this. You have always known this. But, recently, in the days you find yourself absent from him, your heart unmakes the memory of these small euphorias, unpossessed and eternally lonely, unwilling to cling to that which it cannot keep. And so you are whelmed and unmade by the totality of him, forced, now, to stitch yourself into someone entirely new, someone who knows how it feels to be close.

He guides your right hand forward, easing the knife slowly along the tomato until the base is what presses into the skin, not the middle.

‘Why Siken?’ he whispers, and he is close enough his breath tickles at your ear, cascading down your neck and into your shoulder. He spills over you, and you tremble, knowing he feels you but he says nothing, polite enough to maintain your pride.

He asked you a question. You know he did, and it takes work finding words when he is doing his best to consume you like this, your eyes watching as he, and you, together, slice a tomato into thin circles. The rhythm he creates with your twin hands is steady, even, almost musical in the way you can anticipate the sound of it, and it grounds you just enough to remember you are about to give absolutely everything away.

If he does not know yet, if he has not known, you suppose he will know now. But he asked. And so you will tell him.

‘Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us,’ you whisper, matching the volume of his voice. You know he will hear you. You wonder if he will feel you. ‘These, our bodies, possessed by light. Tell me we will never get used to it.’

Kyungsoo eases the knife down one last time, and keeps it there, pressed against the cutting board as the slice drops mutely against the other pieces, the juice from the vegetable seeping deep into the wood. His thumb moves slowly over yours in small circles - you’d like to call them reassuring, but as he steps closer behind you, as his other hand moves his fingers over your knuckles, you wonder if there is any reassurance to be found here. 

In love, in lust, the solidarity you have found in your hobbies and your, almost selfish, avoidance have dissolved, leaving you exposed to the full extent of his soul. No, there is no reassurance in this liminal space, the moment in which you will either become unbreakable or tragically unrecognizable threatening your very sense of self. Had you known when you met him that it would feel this way? Had you known that loving him would be not unlike a benediction? 

The problem, you think, is that even if you had known, nothing would have stopped you. In every life, in every choice, you love him like a beginning and an ending, your heart incapable of knowing much other than craving him.

His hands drift away, peeling off your skin, slowly, as though he is reluctant to leave. Turning until his nose is tucked into the hair just above your ear, he inhales deeply, hands coming to over just above your hips. The energy between you is a live wire, your mouth running dry and your tongue coming to wet your lips, feeling yourself grow parched. Kyungsoo takes a long breath, filling his lungs with nothing but you, before he exhales and whispers into the shell of your ear. 

‘Can you handle it?’

You’re not sure if he means the quote or the rest of the tomato, not sure if he means if you can handle this, with him, or the rest of your existence without him. You aren’t entirely sure of much other than the force of your attraction, the sheer power of it, and the way you think it will fuel your every thought until your bones become ash, this love a windmill in your chest.

‘I think so,’ you mumble in affirmation, glancing over your shoulder to offer him a small expression of encouragement, hoping you look convincing.

His eyes have grown dark, the chocolate of his irises tempered with an impenetrable black, and a flush spreads across his cheeks so warm and pink you would think he’s been sugared. Immediately, you regret seeing him, the lust in you becoming a sea, the swell of it so deep and so strong, you fear you might drown in it, in him.

‘Actually, I’m feeling a bit warm.’ Side stepping along the island, away from him and out of his orbit, your words are rushed and hurried. Running a hand through your hair, you look at him, pleading. ‘Are you okay to take it from here?’

‘Yeah, are you okay?’ he asks furrowing his brow, concern evident in his voice.

‘I’m fine,’ you nod, looking everywhere but his face. ‘It’s fine. I just need to dip my toes in the water to cool off. Text me if you need me to come back?’

He laughs, watching you affectionately as you turn away from him, heading to the sliding door that leads to the brilliant green grass of the back yard. ‘Okay,’ he calls, his voice following you out.

You know that he will not. 

You know that there is a barrier that stands between grief and loving, a door to walk through in which there is a boundary between the knowledge of love and the acceptance of it. He opened the door. You stepped through, momentarily basking in the reverence of it, only to leave, shutting it behind you, likely forever, to wallow in the ever comforting loneliness of wanting.

‘Are you joining me?’

Chanyeol’s girlfriend sits on the dock, leisurely swinging her feet in the water as she cranes her face into the sun to watch your approach. Covering her eyes with her hand to block the sun, she offers you a curious smile as you slide off your sandals and sit heavily beside her. Leaning back on your hands, you let the sun warm your neck and chest in contrast to the cold lake water that laps lazily over your feet and midway up your calf, pressing your fingers into the rough oak. The water’s chill walks up your skin, soothing the tension in your nerves that lingers from Kyungsoo’s breath, smile, lips, and voice.

In the distance, Chanyeol’s laughter mixes with Yixing’s and Baekhyun’s. Just beyond their small circle, Sehun and Jun canoe in amusement, the paddling of their oars a relaxing rhythm amidst the chaos that surrounds them. Baekhyun’s new girlfriend swims close by, her laughter jubilant yet reticent, still testing the limits of her comfort. Eyes still closed, you tilt your head to the side, remembering how you felt the day you were integrated into this group - shy and uncertain, the closeness of the bonds surrounding you both frightening and awe inspiring.

Chanyeol made it easy, as he always does, but, strangely enough, Kyungsoo made it easier. Even without loving him, without the intense desire to be near him, you would have chosen his company over all the rest. He said your name like it was something special, like he was careful with it inside his mouth - like it mattered. He wanted your opinion on everything, wanted your thoughts, wanted your voice first. You’ve lost count of the parties, the gatherings, the movie nights, the drinking games, and as a result all the times you’ve wound up next to him, tucked into a corner just talking and just learning. 

Kyungsoo made it easier than all the rest, simply because he demanded you at his side.

Opening your eyes, the light seems to sparkle in the places where it kisses the water, putting a glimmer against your skin. 

‘How did you do it?’The words taste bitter and heavy against your tongue, and you find yourself grimacing as you speak.

Chanyeol’s girlfriend, the Countess as he likes to call her, turns to face you. You feel her eyes move over your profile, patient despite her confusion. ‘Do what?’

‘Tell him you loved him.’ Chanyeol dives under the water only to break through the surface behind Baekhyun, dunking him with a gleeful howl. Would it have been easier to manage your feelings with someone so vocal? Someone with such little restraint? Sitting up, you press the base of your palms into your eyes and release a mournful sigh. ‘How did you own up to it?’

‘Well, I didn’t have to do much,’ she laughs. Looking at her, the expression your features decide to wear feels plagued by uncertainty but she does not see you. Her gaze has drifted to where Chanyeol swims, to his broad form and his musical laugh, her own expression softened beyond measure. She smiles as she speaks, unbridled in her admiration. ‘You know Chanyeol. He’s the least discrete person and also not terribly patient.’ Tossing you a knowing grin, she giggles affectionately and you cannot help but laugh, her happiness naturally contagious. ‘The beauty of those things is he figures out what he wants immediately and then acts on it only after he’s decided it’s to his benefit. He’s very discerning that way.’

Humming, you glance down at your legs and lean back on your hands once more, pouting. ‘Did you know, though? All that time, did you know?’

‘No,’ she shakes her head. ‘I suppose, looking back, there were always signs,’ she concedes quickly, ‘but we’re so similar, I would go between thinking it was just our way of communicating and connecting to thinking it was flirting, but only when I was alone. When I was with him, I just wanted to enjoy being with him.’

‘How?’ You don’t mean to sound so incisive or desperate, but the feel of Kyungsoo’s hands still nestles deep within your skin, and you can sense him there even after he has departed. You are certain that you will spend the rest of your life with him pressing against parts of you long dormant and long ignored. ‘How do you do that? How did you not lose your mind being so close to him?’

‘That’s giving me far too much credit,’ she laughs, body jostling against yours in her amusement.

On instinct, as though the very sound itself is a siren call, Chanyeol ceases his movements and turns to see her, the teasing smile he’d been sporting with Yixing fading into one of contented devotion. In a single instant, the mere sight of her smooths away all his edges. There is something unspoken, yet eternal, lurking in the depths of his eyes, his yearning a boundless loyalty that declares her as his treasure. 

‘I always wanted to be close to him, and I was always on the edge of my sanity. But..’ her speech dies slowly, voice tight with emotion. Considering her words, she holds his stare and refuses to look away, seemingly adrift with him. Instinctively drawn to him, she leans forward slightly, the bones and the core of her pulling her to him as best they can. ‘He makes me happy. In the purest, most simple sense of the word he makes me happier than I’ve ever been able to really...attain, if that makes sense.’

She looks away from him then, turning to regard you rather seriously. ‘Happiness has always been a choice I have to make, but it’s also something that is elusive.’ All too easily she adopts the austere tone she so often uses when giving you advice - words stern and slightly cold, though still doing her best to remain supportive and encouraging. ‘When I’m with him, he sustains it. I’m not stressed and I’m not anxious, I just get to be. You have no idea how unbelievably peaceful that is. If I spend my time with him overthinking, it rushes me to a feeling, to a place we don’t need to be in. I don’t want to overthink, I just want to be with him.’ 

She takes him in once more, all the tension seeming to leave her muscles as her eyes touch what her hands cannot, visibly comforted. ‘More than anything, I just want to be with him’

Fundamentally you understand her statements, your heart responding and reacting to the sentiment with little input from your mind. A language has started to develop within you, the kind that seems to be spoken by Chanyeol and the countess, a language that exists where words fail entirely. There are no words to describe the way you yearn for Kyungsoo, not a single syntax that could contain his grace, his imperfections, the breadth of his very soul. There are no words, yet you comprehend all of it - you feel all of it, the very act of this understanding a transgression against your sense of self.

Shaking your head, you groan, doing your very best to stay the same, to stay guarded. ‘That’s too much to think about.’

Chuckling, she pokes you in the shoulder. ‘I know this is about Kyungsoo.’

Waving her hand away, you hurriedly hush her with a loud hiss, looking to the group and back again. Running your fingers over your arm, you massage the slight pain with a small frown. ‘They might hear you,’ you whisper, aghast.

She snorts. ‘They’re too absorbed in whatever competition Chanyeol has created. And it’s not like this is a big secret. But okay. I’ll be quiet..er.’

The blood in your veins seems to chill, matching the temperature of the water at your feet. Eyes wide, you whisper, ‘People know?’

‘Yes,’ she nods, like nothing has changed, like this single fact is the most inconsequential thing in the world. ‘I’m pretty sure everyone knows, except for Kyungsoo which is shocking.’

With a groan, you fall back onto the dock. Heated by the direct sunlight, the wood sends heat through your shoulders and spine, an otherworldly compassion that does its best to ease your tension. Draping your arm over your eyes, you sigh. ‘Must you always tease me?’

‘Yes. It’s my duty.’ Patting your leg gently she offers little condolence, her voice a sarcastic lament. 

In the ensuing quiet colours move amidst the darkness behind your eyes, sunlight infiltrating the small gap between your arm and the bridge of your nose, and providing a kaleidoscope of purple and green. Lilacs and lilies are carried in the rustling breeze, the opposite side of the lake decorated with a field of flowers, its tall grass and array of blossoms just as dense as the hunger in your blood. If you were alone perhaps you would weep over this, the inward nature of this secret desire fueled by the feel of his fingertips and his laugh and his breath on your neck - it is enough to consume the very heart of you, leaving nothing in its wake.

To give in to this would be to render yourself unrecognizable.

‘Have you ever wondered who you would be if you weren’t trying to think your way through feelings?’

A groan of discontent bubbles in your chest, her question simultaneously full of good intentions while still demanding you confront the change occurring within you. Like always, she insists that you take control of it, that you become a participant in your very unmaking - that you surrender to it, as though the only thing you must endure is yourself. How much of this can one survive, you wonder. How much of a person can survive the devastation of wanting?

‘That’s not entirely helpful.’ You know that you are whining - you can hear the cadence of your unease seep through the last of your syllables. But this cannot be helped, you think. Your great resolve has been terribly weakened.

She inhales, preparing to reply, only to be interrupted by the sounds of splashing water making its approach. Removing your hand from your eyes, you lean up slightly and squint through the changing light to see Chanyeol, his arms breaking through the water as he swims to the dock. Pressing his hands onto the wood, he lifts himself up to linger between his girlfriends legs, getting both you and she wet. You roll slightly to the side in surprise, doing your best to avoid more water getting on your clothes, but she just leans forward, the stars and the moon shifting through her eyes she takes him in.

‘My love,’ she giggles, kissing his nose. As she pulls away, he follows after her, leaning forward for more, but she is already looking behind him, brow furrowed. ‘Aren’t you in the middle of some kind of challenge?’

‘Yeah,’ he laughs, folding his arms on the dock and resting his head as he gazes up at her. ‘We’re trying to see who can knock Jun out of his canoe first.’

Cocking an eyebrow at him, you smirk. ‘Isn’t that dangerous?’

‘He’s got a life jacket,’ he shrugs, entirely nonchalant. ‘Anyway, I need a good luck kiss.’

Running her hands through his hair, she lets her fingers toy with the tips of his ears as she speaks. ‘You know you’ll win even if you don’t get one.’ 

His eyes flutter closed under her thoughtful touching, swooning into her orbit as he hums. They stay like this for a moment, awash and enraptured with one another. Their world is foreign to you, a place of belonging where they live only with each other, and more vulnerable and brave than you could ever comprehend. 

When he looks at her again, there is a silent communion that passes between them, words and conversations living and dying on their breaths without any speech at all.

‘Still,’ he pouts, and she understands, instantly pulling him up as he raises.

The prelude to this kiss is just as intimate as the act itself, and you look away, gazing over your shoulder back to the house, back to where Kyungsoo cooks, alone and possibly lonely, abandoned because you have not yet learned how to truly hold the sun in your hands. In truth, you are too fond, too enamored, too lost in him to remember yourself when you are with him; and you are too comfortable, too in control of your emotions to forget yourself, remembering all your flaws and the way they will inevitably be highlighted, all the light in the universe culminating in him and illuminating everything, including you.

Chanyeol swims away once he is satisfied, and you swallow the words that have threatened to rise in the back of your throat. In considering Kyungsoo, you have once again considered the reality of love - they have made you consider love, and there is something easy about the conversation you had before he arrived, so you do your best to return knowing, depressingly, she will not let you escape.

‘You both are assholes you know?’ you tease, nudging her gently. 

She watches him hungrily, lips red and swollen, before she looks at you once more, distracted. ‘I meant what I said.’

‘You’re not helping,’ you groan, exasperated.

‘Only because you want to apply logic to your feelings.’ Having collected herself once more, her spine straightens, words full of authority. ‘Sometimes, feelings don’t make sense and sometimes they just are. Who are you when you aren’t thinking about how you feel?’

‘I don’t know,’ you shrug, defeated. ‘I can’t know because I don’t even understand what you’re saying. What do you mean by don’t think about how I feel?’

‘Yes, exactly!’ she says, far too enthusiastic for such a non-committal answer.

‘You know I understand even less now, you know this right?’ you murmur flatly, looking back to the water.

Gaze unfocused, your friends are a blur of action far away from you. Their colours merge and mix while you try to surrender your conscious mind in favor of feeling. Every breath you take is full of him, every inhale and exhale an ode to the way you both see and feel him without ever looking at all. The first summer you met him, everything was pure happiness. July was oppressive in the way it kept you perpetually warm, but you thought you would forget him, that the feeling would fade - this kind of craving dies with summer, the twilight of the season bringing forth a reality too harsh for summer’s fruit. 

But he has not left you. Not once. Not even a little.

‘How does he make you feel?’ she tries, taking a different approach to her questioning. ‘Don’t think about why you feel it, just think about what it is.’

To you, the question is inherently frightening, the tendrils of it dripping down into the cage of your ribs and tightening, finding all the places the ache in you is the most special and the most tender. The question is frightening, but it bears an even more frightening answer - a frontier and the unexplored desert of truth.

‘Safe,’ you admit, acknowledging, horribly, that while you are safe with yourself, you are, perhaps, even more safe beside him; his aura, a temple. ‘He makes me feel safe.’

When you look at her once more, you’re certain you are something pathetic, but she simply takes hold of your hand and squeezes it, the reassurance of her touch a threat to the dam of solitude locked inside your chest.

‘Then,’ she begins, almost too soothing and too sweet for you to stand, ‘the next time you’re with him, let yourself be safe and nothing else. I think everyone wants to know who they are when they’re safe, without question.’

The problem, you think, is that you have always known who you would be if you let yourself go. The problem, you think, is that you have known and done your best to spirit it away, aware that to feel as much as you do, about everything, would render someone monstrous.

To be free and open and safe with him is to be hungry - not the absence of yearning, but the sheer, irrevocable abundance of it.

'Listen, the Baroness needs your room.'

Baekhyun corners you in the hallway long after the sun has set. Cheeks flushed and eyes glassy, the wine from dinner and the beer from the fire pit still linger in his bloodstream, giving him the sort of dazed, sleepy appearance that usually makes you soften towards him. Leaning against the wall for support, his closeness allows you to smell the smoke and ash from the bonfire on his clothes, and if he had posed any other question, said, quite possibly, anything else, you would have ruffled his hair and given him a hug, wanting to be close to him.

Instead, you rear back slightly, so bewildered you are certain you have mental whiplash.

'What?' The word comes out quickly, more an exclamation of sound than an actual word. ‘The who?’

Baekhyun shrugs, sheepish. ‘You know how Chanyeol calls his girl the Countess, Jongin calls his Duchess.’ He sways as he speaks, a sign of his drunkenness or a sign of his shyness at the question, you cannot be sure. ‘I’m trying this one out for mine.’

Humming, you nod. ‘That’s very nice. And no.’ 

'Come on,’ he pleads, already starting to whine. ‘You can share with someone else, but she really needs your room.'

Crossing your arms, you mirror his pose and lean against the wall. The dim light of the hallway puts shadows under his eyes, making his expression look far more forlorn than it likely is.

'Absolutely not,’ you say, sternly. Twelve hours later and you are in the same position as this morning, protesting against the unfairness of his requests. ‘I paid for that room out of my own pocket. She can't just come on this trip and freeload. Besides, didn't you bring her on this trip to get laid? What are you going to do, astral project through walls?'

'No, not really, I mean maybe but not exactly,’ he stammers, doing his best to piece his argument together. Too tipsy to mask his meaning with the smoothness of words, all he can do is suffer the truth of his emotions. ‘It’s not exactly like that but I can't make it that obvious.’

Rolling your eyes, you sigh, exasperated. 'Baekhyun, it's already obvious.'

'Don't you know there has to be finesse to this?' The barely restrained emotion in his voice dismantles the playful tone he has done his best to adopt, the intensity of his desire not something to be trifled with.

But so too are you unafraid of a challenge, your mind already made up, your heart already enclosed in your room with the lakeside view.

'What are you, seven?’ you laugh, incredulously. ‘I think she knows exactly what you're looking for out of this, it's why she's here at all.'

'It's not that obvious,’ he pouts.

'Literally, why would anyone agree to go on a vacation with a bunch of strangers and one guy they only kind of know?’ you challenge, unable to fathom any other conclusion. Even in the beginning, when Chanyeol would invite you out, your proclivity for quiet nights at home always had you leaning toward spending the evening with a book until he would mention Kyungsoo’s name. The sound of the word alone would draw you out, his name dissolving the essence of your loneliness if only for one night. ‘She's here for the same thing as you, just get it over with.'

'I don't just want to fuck her!' he exclaims in a loud whisper, both your eyes widening at his admission.

In the aftermath of his outburst, there is a looming silence in which you are uncertain what else there is to be said. It weighs down on you, on your shoulders and on your heart, the uprising in him so unlike his usually soft and sweet demeanor. He has never been one for committing, never been one for avoiding what he wants either, and so this limbo between wanting her to be his while also keeping her at arm’s length puts a throb in the center of your temple.

Squeezing your eyes closed, you dig your nails into your arms. 'I'm so confused about what's happening here.'

'I really like this girl.’ It’s the most careful Baekhyun has ever spoken, as if he is just as perplexed as you by the sheer tenacity of his emotions. Hearing himself say the words seems to put a colour in his cheeks, deepening the shade of his blush beyond alcohol, beyond the kiss of the afternoon sun. Baekhyun grows almost weary in his relief, glad that he has said it out loud, to someone. ‘I don't want to just make it about that one thing.' 

Resting a hand on his shoulder, you offer him a sympathetic smile. Over the years of your friendship, you have watched him fall in love several times a day, with so many different things, his heart an atrium that endlessly nurtures romance and affection. It’s rare for him to settle on one single person, and even more rare for him to act on it.

'I respect you,’ you say slowly, pressing your thumb into the strong flesh of his arm in solidarity, ‘but I still paid money for that room, so it's not happening.'

'I'll pay you back for it,’ he tries, starting to sober beneath your perpetual refusal.

'Baekhyun -'

'Kyungsoo's room has two twin beds,’ he blurts out in a rush, all his words condensed on a single breath. Feeling yourself pale, the axis of the world seems to shift beneath your feet, your vision suddenly blurred and unfocused, dizzy,  and he takes your surprised silence as volition to speak. ‘It's like a pleasant surprise! You can share with him.'

Even in the dark, you can see the mischievous glimmer in his eyes, the sparkle of an ulterior motive lurking in the depths. It would not be the first time he attempted to be your wingman, would also not be the first time he would fail at such an endeavor, and your hand slides away from his arm, falling limply at your side. You watch him, slack jawed at the horror of it all, stomach dropping all the way down to your toes.

'Baek, no.’ It is your turn to plead, amazed your voice even makes a sound with how dry your throat has become.

'Oh, come on!' Baekhyun has the audacity to laugh, slapping your arm congenitally as if his encouragement is enough to placate you. 'I'm trying to help you!'

Sarcastically, you snort. 'You're helping yourself and clinging to the hope that it would ever be about me.'

Somehow immune to your admonishment, he simply wiggles his brow salaciously. 'You know you like the idea.'

'Fucks sake, I should never have told you about this,’ you hiss, crossing your arms over your chest once more. ‘I got drunk one time and now you think you can play matchmaker.' 

Baekhyun sighs, shrugging his shoulders. 'Listen, I already told her she can have your room -'

Rearing back, you blink rapidly, appalled and bewildered. 'What the fuck?'

'And Kyungsoo already agreed to letting you stay in his,’ he continues, ignoring your seething disdain as though this is simply a negotiation about where to go for breakfast.

Blood rushing away from your cheeks, running to service your overactive heart, you simply stare off into the distance, beyond Baekhyun, beyond the house altogether, to a time in history when you would not have to spend the evening sharing his air. 'I hate this.'

'I know.’ It’s his turn to rest a hand on your shoulder, his expression somehow far less sympathetic than yours had been. ‘But if this is the only way for both of us to get what we want, then someone has to put some fire under your ass.'

Shaking your head, you do not allow him to come into focus, mumbling with scathing contempt. 'Wow, I actually hate you.'

'You move at a glacial pace.’ Assuming the conversation is over, he removes his hand from your shoulder and turns away, no longer giving you any opportunity to complain. ‘At least now we all can say we tried.'

Hurriedly, you follow after him, pushing off the wall and gathering the strength to move your things from your lakeside room to Kyungsoo’s, the phantom memory of his skin on yours awakening once more. 

'Why are you still talking?’ you call after him.

But he just tosses you a sly wink over his shoulder, laughing to himself as he heads down the stairs.

‘I can hear you overthinking from across the room.’ 

The light from the moon creeps in through the sheer curtains covering the window, Kyungoo’s voice filling the space, dancing on the rays, with a tired rasp. He’s worn himself out - laughing, yelling, drinking. Somehow, the sound is thick and heavy, sinking down and deep into places long left untouched, your body wired by the sound of him alone. 

'Just go to sleep,’ he chastises, turning over in his bed. 

It is only the two of you contained in this small space, twin beds side by side, close enough you can hear his breath. Pressing your head against the pillow, your mind has become divided in two, living in two places at once - this moment, and your time spent with him in the kitchen, doing its best to rationalize the difference. Cooking with him, he was all over you, hands on yours and chest against your back as if he was learning how to make a home of you. It was different then, almost too tactile to comprehend but the sun through the kitchen and living room windows somehow made the world seem wide. 

His touch had a distance, a space - even if you could not see it, you could sense it, the light finding its way through, reminding you there is a line between your body and his, a line between simply touching and truly feeling.

Now, in the dark, everything, even the gap between your mattresses feels close - too intense, too raw, to real. The darkness is oppressive, like that, a brief moment in time in which you are aware of the edge of things. Resting in the center of your bed, you are aware of the edge of your limbs, the absolute limit of your body. In the room, you are aware of the edge of your bed and the way there is just enough distance between yours and his for a single person to stand. In his bed, you are aware of the edge of his lips, and the way his breath cascades over them, facing the window to kiss the moon. 

And you are aware of the edge of your resolve, threatened and thinned to breaking by the way the light casts him in silver, illuminating all the parts of him you find sacred.

‘You’re wide awake too,’ you say to the ceiling, not allowing yourself to see him. ‘I guess that makes us even.’ Biting your lip, you close your eyes and sigh. ‘I’m not the only one who can’t fall asleep,’ you finish quietly.

Kyungsoo laughs, warm and rich, utterly intoxicating, no trace of irritation in his words as he speaks. ‘Okay,’ he muses. 'How about this.’ 

You hardly have time to knit your brow together in thought before he begins singing, the rich honey of his tone turning the room into amber. He doesn’t often do this, a talent he likes to keep to himself. Sometimes, when he is drunk, he can be convinced to be the start of a song, not the result, but even this takes an equal amount of convincing as it does bottles of beer. But you have found, over time, that the talent itself is not so secret - hidden, but not entirely forbidden. 

When he is with you, somehow you always hear his music, your ear always finding and listening to his voice first. You have found there is not a single moment he is without music, the way he speaks a melody unto itself, but when the sun goes down and the others go to bed, and it is just you and just him, and the dying embers of a fire that blazed too high, he sings with you. 

He sings, often, just to make you smile.

'Oh, dear god, is that supposed to be better?' you laugh, skin tingling with adrenaline and a down turned corner of your cheeks as though you are saying goodbye to a time in your life when things were safe.

Kyungsoo interrupts himself, and even though you do not see him, even though you cannot yet bring yourself to look, you know he is beaming. 'I'm not going to stop until you sing along.'

He continues singing and the joy in you sets itself free, liberated like a terror. You would be frightened if this moment were perfect, would feel the world dissolve around you, his voice a nightingale leading you to perish. You would retreat from all of this, except -

'I hate this song,’ you sigh, flopping your arms atop the mattress to signal your unrest.

'I know,’ he persists, turning in the bed to face you. The darkness does little to hide the intensity of his focus. If anything, it feels heightened, the angles of your profile burning beneath his scrutiny. ‘But you know it.'

In spite of yourself, you close your eyes and let the bliss send shivers through your veins. When you are not looking, held in the darkness of your own making, your body becomes otherworldly, something entirely outside of yourself, someone you don’t recognize. How far have you crossed? What line have you transgressed and ignored, blithely meandering into the irresistible territory of passion? It’s all over you now, your smile full of teeth and your mind empty, save for his melody and the advice of Chanyeol’s girlfriend:

Who are you when you are not trying to think through emotion?

It happens in the limbo between who you are and who you want to be, the room suddenly a cathedral devoted to your wanting. With your eyes open, your love takes a verbal form, this voice yours yet better, enhanced and empowered, and you sing because you no longer can help it. Nowhere near as confident or stable in your notes, your voice does its best to hold onto the words, finding the center of the notes almost too late before it’s time to move to another, but, strangely, you don’t find yourself blushing. It is not, you think, that the darkness has made you less inhibited, rather that with a song you hate and a smile at your lips, you simply don’t have it in you to mind.

'There it is!' he celebrates, raising his arms off the mattress and clapping.

Pressing a hand to your forehead, your shyness in the dark somehow even more amusing, you cackle. 'God, this is terrible.'

Adjusting his pillow, he hums. 'Exactly.'

The aftermath of your twin voices seems to reverberate around the room, long after you both have fallen quiet, the echo bouncing off your skin. This kind of euphoria could only be brought by him - his intelligence, his stubbornness, his perceptive intuitiveness. With only the echo and the memory sustained, your breath becomes unsteady, reminded that this place, this room, will no longer just be a place but a sanctuary and you will no longer just be you, but you will, forever more, be his.

'Sometimes,' you begin, words a whisper that you know he will still hear, 'you're funny.'

'It's just something I'm trying.' Such a simple statement, one full of humor and sarcasm but one with a texture that makes you press your tongue to the back of your teeth as he says it. He sounds tired of running - from himself, from all the great complexities he finds in the world, but not from you. 'Just something I want to try for a little while.’'

'All the time.’ Your own words are abrupt, clipped at the end of their syllables as you rush them out, needing him to hear the correction - to not miss it, not for a second. 'You're always funny, all the time.'

For a long while he considers your statement, and, in the absence of sound and conversation, the air in the room becomes thick, sluggish in your lungs. Your fingers curl into the sheets, eyes staring blankly up at the ceiling because now, if ever, it would be terribly dangerous to turn to face him. At least, you presume, he finally knows. He must know, the layers of this confession wholly befitting the hallowed energy that lingers between you. 

Swallowing thickly, you let him take his time, forcing yourself to be patient. The darkness has brought everything together, the gap between your beds somehow closed, as though he is right next to you, even unreachable as he is.

'You're the only one who sees me that way,’ he says finally, and you hear the care laced in his voice, doing his best to articulate his appreciation.

You want more of him, more of this sound, more of everything he keeps tucked away where prying eyes cannot follow. You want all of him, his very existence an addiction. 

'It's because I see you.' This time, you are more brave, more confident, and there is a pleasing dissonance to your voice, the old you starting to become devoured by the new.

Tonight tastes different on your tongue. Something about the moon and something about the sun, about the way you have spent too long in the light with your private luxuries shrinking ever further away, has allowed you to gather blossoms of starlight, their twinkling mysteries putting a hope in your joints that has never dared to trespass until this moment. All your life, the darkness has been a shroud and a veil, a cloister keeping you contained only with your yearning thoughts and your inadequacies, an invasion that has wormed its way within you for too long. It leaves you now, spilling outward and shimmering in the moonlight, leaving you free and empty, with room to nurture a burning flame.

Kyungsoo remains completely still, and you have the passing thought he does not move for fear of causing your retreat. 'And what do you see?' he asks softly.

Fingers pressing deep into the feather comforter, you hum. 'It depends.'

A low chuckle rumbles through his chest, the very sound a ripple of thunder in the night. 'That doesn't sound reassuring.'

Taking in a deep breath, you hold it in until your lungs hurt, smothering the doubt, the fear, and the inexplicable notion that this will fail until you can convince yourself you are indestructible. 

'It depends on how long I let myself look, and depends on what you feel that day.’ Furrowing your brow, you tuck the inside of your cheek between your teeth. This should be sufficient, but he is so much more than a summation of looking, a summation time. He is something that is held without time, something you wish to behold eternally, even long after you are dust. 'It's not that you're mercurial,’ you continue, doing your best not to cringe at the clarity in your voice, ‘it's not that you're not consistent. I think I just see other things because I take my time looking.'

How would he look if you said these things to him in the daylight? What would the midday yellows and oranges reflect if he looked at you, and let himself be seen? Would you tell him your looking extends beyond admiration, beyond mere affection, and into the shuddering truth of love? To say all this in the sunlight, what would become of you?

You think it’s for the best that you will never have the answers to these questions, the night the only thing clinging tenderly to your pride, protective and secure.

'And do you like what you see?' 

His voice is full of bashful apprehension, the rustling of his own sheets a symphony to accompany his tentative questioning. He shifts restlessly, hopefully, and you feel the sound with your whole body.

Licking your lips, you press onward, getting used to breaking the darkness - getting used to feeling raw and open. 'That also depends.'

'On what you see?'

Unable to help yourself, you finally turn to your side and look at him, eyes adjusting almost instantly to trace the nuanced details of his face, the moonlight painting silver shadows along his features. You’ve been lured to him, driven to see him now that he is asking to be seen, wanting your eyes on him; the very question begged you to look, and to take your time looking. Incrementally your longing grows, a swell in your chest that challenges the very depth of the lake, rushing through you until it cannot be contained.

'On whether you want me to like it,’ you clarify.

Leaning up to support his head on his hand, he looks at you and the hunger painted over his expression is enough to have your fists curling into the mattress. It stirs in you the need to be consumed, to be loved by his mouth and the palms of his hands, the greed in you not unlike an uprising. The flush in your neck spreads over your chest, your shirt constrictive and tight, suddenly no more room for you and all this impossible craving. Even still, Kyungsoo still remains calm, a king in the world of pleasure, looking at you as though you are a gift for feasting.

'I think people always want to be liked in some way, don't you think?’ 

A low growl lurks in the back of his voice, tone dropped down an octave to find gravel you have never heard before. All month, the nights have been uncharacteristically cool, heralding the slow death of summer as it bleeds into autumn, but you are heated. His gaze lives beneath your skin, now, a fire that refuses to burn out. 

‘And,’ he carries on, as though you remain unlit, ‘I also don't think your opinion of me should depend on me. That's for you to make.'

Lips parted, mouth wanting to take him in, you mirror his pose and lean up on your arm. Slowly, you shake your head. 'That's not what I meant.' 

The rasp in your voice surprises you both, and he smiles at the tension he has created, excited at the prospect of snapping it.

'Then what did you mean?' he presses, and you would rejoice at the sensuality of it, at the way the fullness of his lips shapes the words, but the appetite within him is like a hand at the center of your throat.

'I meant whether you want me to like it...' The admission drifts away, the choir of blood in your heart on fire with the weight of honesty. But you are glad for this burning, the fire that eats at you every bit his as it is yours. 'Whether my opinion matters.'

'Your opinion matters.' Kyungsoo doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t allow room for ambiguity or dishonesty. His eyes narrow, penetrative and demanding, keeping you still. 'You matter.'

Unfurling your hands, your fingers press into the sheets as though they are his shirt, his hands, his skin. The angular brutality of him has unmade the careful concealing you have spent years constructing. Hours ago, you had admitted that Kyungsoo makes you feel safe but now you are realizing the peril of letting him in - realizing you are the torment and the danger, little more than the ghosts of your desires. Now, you are starved for him, your tongue a desert aching to be drenched.

Tossing the sheets to the side, Kyungsoo moves his legs over the bed and rises to a stand, taller than you’ve ever seen him stand. Steel keeps his spine straight, shoulders rolled back in pause as though his mind is catching up with his limbs, before he crosses the small space and comes to sit on your bed. You don’t trust yourself with him this close, not anymore. Not after you have learned to love, not only him, but the very act of loving him. 

Shifts closer to you, close enough he could touch all of you, not just your legs, your hips, your waist, your chest, but so too your face and your lips - close enough you can taste him on the air. With your lips parted, every breath you take is full of him, tongue wet and heavy with his flavor.

‘What are you doing?’

‘We aren’t like the others,’ he says plainly, fingers toying with the sheets beside your hands.

Your eyes drop to his hands, avoiding the power of the intimacy you find in his expression. It feeds into the room, your tongue coming to lick your lips and he takes in a shuddering breath, the very sound sending a jolt of desire between your thighs. Taking your silence as permission, he continues to speak, the very anguish of his words exhausted at the prospect of not having you. 

‘We don’t…’ Taking a deep breath, he glances around the room, searching. ‘Flirt,’ he settles, though even this word does not seem to satisfy him. His gaze on you is hard, urging you to look up and see him, to meet his eyes and witness him. When you do, you’re certain you could smell his very heart, your blood suddenly full of his seductive magic. ‘At least, not like they do. I don’t make speeches and you don’t surrender, not unless you’ve been given explicit proof that it’s safe. That you’re right.’

It’s as though he looks down into you, deep enough that his gaze means to caress your ribs, your bones, wrapping himself around your spine until all your senses belong to him.

‘You see me.’ His teeth glide roughly over his bottom lip, nipping it quickly before releasing it, the blood beneath the skin rushing to make it more plump than it was before. ‘And I see you. I have never stopped seeing you. I’ve not wanted to stop seeing you, finding you, learning you since the day I met you.’

If you are the devil lurking in the dark, the hungry one with eyes of greed then he is the lust, the one who has torn through you and pulled out the language you have only just started to understand. The moment that follows is enormous, a moment in which you realize love is not only the act of feeling but the act of seeing, of being seen. He describes you as though he knows you, as though he knows the clawed and ugly parts of you that threaten to tear the fabric of your existence apart, and as though he loves even what he sees in those. 

You don’t think you’ve ever been so aware of gravity, of the way language is not only a syntax but a physics, and of the way he has slowly inched closer and closer, your vision full of only him. With your eyes adjusted to the dark, you come to see yourself as a hawk, able to find yourself in his eyes, able to see yourself as he sees you - pupils dilated and not allowing you the privilege to remain invisible. In feeding on him, you feed on yourself, and so, too, you suppose does he feed on you, on himself, on the carnal savoring of your longing, united.

‘What are you saying,’ you whisper, certain he hears you, certain he hears your plea to be explicit.

‘I’m saying,’ he begins, lifting his hand to cup your chin. He holds it in his hand and pulls you close, his breath on your lips a fever, the feel of his bones pressing into yours sparking a voracious desire to be devoured, ‘if you are thinking of taking a risk, you are safe.’

His truth is a dawn breaking over your skin, spirit sanctified by the permission he grants you. Before you can even comprehend your actions you press your hands into the mattress and give yourself the momentum necessary to close the distance between your lips. The sheer force of the kiss gnaws at you, his free hand coming to wrap around your waist to pull you close. Flush against him, you think you are powerful enough to eat the moon, to eat the sun, to have him and keep him buried beneath your tongue. 

He moans against your mouth, the sound of it shuddering against your chest and vibrating through you. Your own arms wind around his neck, fingers toying with the soft hair at the nape of his neck, unable to mind that this new position is awkward and difficult to sustain. You have managed much worse, have contained whole stars in the center of your chest for years and still have survived - you think you can manage the slant of your waist as he holds you against him, unforgiving. 

Running his tongue along your lips, he asks for permission you are eager to grant, slipping his tongue against yours in a tentative stroke of possession. In your mouth, he is the blunt edge of a knife, cutting you deep enough that you think no other hands, no other lips will have their fill of you - no one else will have their fill and still find themselves engorged with an unconquered thirst. Sucking his bottom lip between your teeth, you nip the flesh to a swell that feels warm and plump. 

He smiles against you, pulling his lip away and you smile too, his voluptuous mouth a blessing. 

‘You’re wrong,’ you murmur, grazing his lips as you speak.

Insatiable, he kisses you again, stealing what he can of you until you are breathless. ‘How so?’

Moving one hand from his neck, you cup his cheek and laugh, a sound he eats with his own chuckle. ‘We are exactly like the others.’

Author’s Note v2.0: i do not own the quotes from Virginia Woolf - To The Lighthouse; Dexter, the TV show; or Richard Siken - Scheherazade