Jul 17
We are so tired.
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We are so tired.
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So recently I wound up in the hospital for a few late night hours.
They did an IV, gave me potassium, and checked just about everything. I was physically fine.
How and why did I get there?
I was sitting in bed, watching my SO and our dog nod off. I had taken my evening meds and smoked a little weed to help me fall asleep (cause that can take like 2 hours ugh).
Not too long after the last bong hit I start feeling WEIRD. I can't hold my head up, I don't feel like I'm operating my limbs but they're moving. I can SEE everything in the room, the walls themselves, swaying. Each to a different beat.
Now I'm an experienced smoker, so I know it wasn't that and the weed was safe stuff.
I find myself in the bathroom. Vomiting. Sweating. My head hurt worse than any migraine I've ever had.
I still have little to no control over my body. When I start to try focusing on what is happening and sort out why, I hear laughter. Horrid mocking laughter.
It took a little while, a pissed off girlfriend (she thought I was having a *bad trip*) and some nurses who clearly had suspicions themselves, for it all to fade away.
One of the alts I don't communicate with, and almost never talk about, had been fighting for control. I knew it the whole time and not only could I not ever tell anybody (especially hospital staff) but I barely kept present myself. And it KNEW it. And it mocked me for days.
Gf is still kinda mad about it, understandable. I could never possibly explain. It sounds like a bad movie pitch ffs. But it happened. And I know it. And honestly, I'm scared. Scared of what it wants, of how much control it has despite not being a cooperating part of our system.
Just had to get it out. Or else I'd convince myself it was my imagination and never happened at all.
One of them just whispered to me "We are 17 parts of a whole" and I'm just not in the mood to deal with that today.
Finally watched SPLIT. I was sort of avoiding it because I thought it would be insulting or triggering but it was very good. Got me teary whenever his little showed up.
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Those falling dreams. I remember now. I was switching.
James barely exists when its too cold outside or too much like winter, and lately, he has been fronting for some reason. I guess its already March now, and not early February. So that's something that I just realized. Anyway, James is mad about barely fronting for like a year when he thinks he's supposed to be the "host" or whatever. Like, man, you barely even exist. Literally a placeholder to pretend to be ok for a few years that stopped working. Idek. He's annoying.
I am fronting, and so is Foam and possibly another unknown fronter I am not sure about. It is a bit confusing, but also doesn't really matter. I feel sleepy. What is the point in stressing out about who also might be fronting? Anyway, I feel comfy. I am not alone. I've got Foam in my head even if he's being mostly quiet. Plus our partner sleeping next to us. I think today has been a good day.
:3
-Alan