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It’s not his birthday where I’m at yet, but because it is in Korea I’m just gonna post it today. Here’s a little fic for Johnny’s birthday!

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follow👉 @thebossofhigh

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“I’m so afraid that it’ll all go to waste.” and I looked up to pool my tears. Maybe looking up will bring them back where they came from - maybe I’ll be able to preserve whatever is left of me. “I’m more afraid that maybe they already are wasted. I mean, personally, I’ve never felt more like the trash that I really am.” These were the words I left in Carlo’s voicemail. I didn’t know what he was doing that time but he was the best listener I have. I couldn’t just whisper these kind of thoughts into a hole in the wall or just through the air. I needed a reply.

The bag that contained all my words in explanation to what I just told him was excessively heavy. He has never heard me this way: expressing my lack of self-confidence in words. He’d only ever felt like it because I acted the way I am. He never asked about it but I knew he knew. It was our difference. 

Not knowing the context, I expected that he would ask the lot: all the why’s and how’s and it spiraled me further down into the depths of my self-pity and sadness. To my disappointment though, I wasn’t drowning. I wasn’t dead enough. My bag of explanations got even more heavy and it added to my feeling of a burden. 

I received his reply 6 hours later: It was a knock on my door at eight in the evening. I opened it to see him standing straight, holding the straps of his backpack. He was wearing his over sized blue denim jacket, black pants, and a white shirt saying, “stop nuclear wars.” Realizing that he came from an exam or class, I immediately said, “Carlo you didn’t need to go here, I’m sorry, I - Hindi ko naman inexpect na puntahan mo ako huhu, bakit hindi ka nagsabi? Paano kung wala pala ko dito, edi sayang effort mo!”  He replied by inviting himself in and hugging me tight. I only reached up to his shoulders so he kind of ended up lifting me up a little. “Tara Roxas tayo,” He said while hugging me still. “Kung mayaman lang ako edi sana pinagdrive kita mula dito hanggang tagaytay pero hindi pa ko marunong mag drive tapos hindi rin ako mayaman.” and we both laughed.  ”Dalhin mo yung camera mong automatic magprint.” sabi ni Carlo.  ”Hahaha yung polaroid?”  ”Oo.” Naglakad kami papuntang Roxas. Habang naglalakad tahimik lang kami. Hawak pa rin niya yung straps ng bag niya tapos nasa loob naman ng bulsa yung akin. Hindi ko alam kung ano yung gagawin namin sa Roxas pero nung nandun na kami, sabi niya, “Doon tayo sa madilim.” with matching taas baba ng makakapal niyang mga kilay. Natawa ako ng kaunti pero siyempre ang nasa isip ko, “bakit naman doon?” Wala namang part ng Roxas na sobrang dilim talaga dahil marami namang streetlights sa paligid. Pinili din namin na hindi dun sa pinakamadilim para hindi naman marumi o delikado. Nung nakapili na kami ng saktong pwesto lang, ibinababa niya yung bag niya. Sinabi niya, “Oh diba saktong-sakto sa kung ano ang sa tingin mo ay nangyayari. Madilim tapos kahit parang madaming tao, para bang mag-isa ka pa din.”  Tumingin ako sa paligid. “Tapos ang layo layo ko pa sa bahay o sa pangarap kong Batanes.” dagdag ko. “Kaya nga eh, kaya Tia, hindi bagay na nasa ganito ka na ngang sitwasyon, eh babagayan mo pa ng mga pag-iisip o salita na kasing dilim lang ng paligid mo.” sinabi niya habang may kinakalkal sa bag niya. Naglabas siya ng pamilyar na pahaba na box na manipis at lighter.  Sa loob nung box ay limang sticks na kulay grey ang tig-iisang dulo. Pinahawak niya sa kanan ko yung lighter tapos yung stick naman sa kaliwa. Nagkalkal pa siya sa bag niya para ilabas yung polaroid camera. Pumuwesto si Carlo, inadjust yung camera setting, at sumigaw, “sindihan mo na yung lusis tapos hawakan mo lang sa harap mo. Pipicturan kita!”  Nakangiti na ko. Hindi ngiti na para sa camera kundi ngiti sa gimmick nitong kaibigan kong ‘to.  “1-2-3″ bumilang siya at click!  Naglakad siya pabalik sa akin nang nakangiti. “Sana maganda yung kuha ko. First time ko gamitin itong camera mo sa gabi eh.”  Naku, abot tenga yung ngiti ko. Hindi ko sinabi pero sa isip ko, “Hindi na kailangang maganda yung picture. Masaya na ko kahit sa alalala ng ngayon.” Itinabi muna niya yung picture at yung camera. Kumuha siya ng sarili niyang lusis at sinindihan din. Tumingin siya sakin habang may tig-isa kaming lusis na hawak. “Masaya ka ba?” Itinanong niya kahit halata naman na hindi ko talaga mapigilan yung ngiti ko. Nung nagtagpo yung mga mata namin, muntikan ko na siyang halikan pero sinabi ko na lang, “sobra.” Nung naubos yung lusis, inilabas ni Carlo yung litrato kong may hawak na lusis. Medyo madilim tapos halos yung lusis lang yung nakikita. “Dapat pala hindi ako lumayo masyado para mas malinaw makita yung ngiti mo no? Ang cute cute mo eh para kang batang nasa disneyland.”  Pinalo ko siya sa braso. “Hahaha nakakainis, cute daw.”  “Hahahaha oo nga! Ang kulit.” sabi niya. “Pero ang ganda nung lusis diba? Sa madilim na paligid, sadyang ang kinang niya. Pero wala namang mas gaganda pa sa naghahawak ng lusis! Oh tingnan mo, number one yung ngiti niya oh.” “Hahahahahahahha!” natawa ako ng malakas. Halos hindi nga ako kita sa picture pero kung maka-ganda naman.  “Pag kumuha ako ng picture ng lusis lang, wala yun. Pag kumuha ako ng picture nating dalawa, sa camera ka lang ngingiti. Pero pag kumuha ako ng picture mo na may hawak na lusis, ngingiti ka sa saya. Yun yung gusto kong makita. Para sakin yung lusis yung mga bagay na magagaganda sa isip mo. Pag maganda yung iniisip mo, gumaganda ka pa din kahit nasa madilim na lugar ka man. Kaya Tia, wag ka na mag-isip at mag-sabi nung mga sinabi mo sakin sa voicemail.” at seryoso niya kong tiningnan sa mata. “Makikinig ako kung ikkwento mo sakin kung paano ka nalungkot nang gano’n pero mas importante para sakin pakinggan yung mga ikwekwento mo bukas or sa future kung paano ka bumabangon, tumatatag, sumasaya.” sabay kuha niya sa aking kamay para hawakan iyon nang mahigpit. 

Inilaan ko muna lahat ng oras ko sa pagtanggap ng mga sinabi niya. Saka ako humarap sa kanya at kinuha yung palad niya. Gamit ang daliri ko, trinace ko ang mga letrang bumubuo sa mga salitang, ‘T H A N K Y O U’ at hugis puso sa huli. Inilagay ko yung kamay ko sa likod ng ulo niya para payukuin siya at bigyan siya ng halik sa noo. Pagkatapos nun ay nagligpit na kami ng gamit para umuwi.

In a coffee shop located among the famous universities in the city of Manila, I was there sitting on a table for two waiting for my friend of almost five years, Carlo.  It was a normal day and we were supposed to meet just to talk about how life has been after one hell of a semester. We took different courses in the same university and although we were always near each other, we didn’t see each other a lot. We had conflicting schedules. My name is Tatiana and I’m here to tell the story of when I offered to draw Carlo as an old Man.

Our friendship works, in my perspective, like how you would have that one person whom you can tell just about anything because he doesn’t seem to care much to dwell on it too deeply but will dwell on your stories enough to give you his time and say some advice. I thought our friendship was platonic because we were comfortable with each other just like how you would be comfortable listening to your good thoughts on a regular day. To me, I never really labelled Carlo as my ultimate best friend. I just knew at the back of my mind that he’s my constant. Time would fly and distance would stretch but I can always come back to him. I can always tell him things without him receiving any weight of my problems and he could do the same to me. We weren’t the laugh all the time type of partners but we were the we could be together any time of any day and we’d find something to do together. I liked how we have the same frequencies of thought. Not all the time but most of the time. I would hold his cheeks lovingly like he was my lover just ‘coz I wanted to know how it would feel and he would just continue writing notes on his pad paper. Some other times when he ordered a new flavor of drink which he’s fond of doing and when he ends up not liking it, he would drink from my cup and I would drink from his cup as if what’s mine is his. We could talk straight for 4 hours (tried and tested) or stay silent and comfortable for 3 hours (tried and tested). He used to practice flirting at me alot so he can do it better to this girl he was courting in highschool and I’d give him notes. Ha, it’s been fun. 

Now it’s dinner time and we just discovered that we’ve both been eating at carinderia’s all week hence we both saved money enough to have dinner in a coffee shop hence our night’s agenda. When he arrived, we read and commented about the menu for at least 15 minutes, telling each other fun facts and random topics we’d pick from the stuff we read. As we waited for our orders, we decided to sketch each other. He was better than drawing. He can shade and all that, while mine remained 2d. I laughed at how he drew me. I though he definitely missed lines and heavy shades that shows my real face, stressed and burned out from my studies. I drew him like he was this cartoon character. He said he didn’t look like it. I offered to draw what he would look like when he’s old. His eyes sparkled and he quickly said “okay.”  When I finished, he took the chair next to me and sat beside me. I said, “oh eto ka lolo carlo, nasa park nakaupo sa bench.” He said, “Hindi pa tapos yung drawing mo eh.” I said, “ano dagdagan ko pa ba ng wrinkles?” He said, “Hindi. Siyempre pag matanda na ko dapat kasama kita.”  I looked at him with a neutral look for like 3 seconds before my brows met in confusion for a quick moment. Despite that, my smile was hopeful and amused and filled with emotions that got me confused. I guess for the first time, I felt “kilig” from my constant, Carlo. And my brain, oh my brain couldn’t process the inconsistency, How would this information fit in my thought process? My brain didn’t function at all. All the neurons just went to make my heart beat faster. I was nervous at the strange connection which I didn’t know if it’s only existent on my reality or if were sharing it.

My thoughts were broken by the sound of his laugh. I didn’t know what happened or what he has been doing while I was thinking. Was he thinking too? Where did his words come from? Wait, am I overthinking? Is he also surprised about what he said? Oh God. What’s wrong with me? Why am I giving his words some other meaning? Perhaps because he sat beside me before he said it? Ugh.

“Uy Carlo.”

“Hmmm?” He said, making eye contact.

“Kinilig ata ako?” I said as if a question. 

He looked at me the way I looked at him when he said what he said earlier. His lips contorted into silly shapes as if to hide an irresistible smile - which made me smile too.

He broke eye contact and looked at the window, got the drawing of “lolo carlo” and looked at the picture. “Kinilig din ako.”