#cwac stuff

And he says yes. 

Hanbin may have said, ‘What The Fuck?” out loud at that point. 

So they do sessions now. Together. Separately. It’s helpful. It helps.

Jiwon’s body and mind slowly but surely adjusts to the demands of his new career. He and Hanbin make time for each other, even if it’s just eating breakfast at the sink or having dinner together 3 out of 7 nights. They force themselves to do it because if you let your work run your life then you aren’t really living after awhile, you’re just going the motions. He hates it when they miss out on all the small things that makes life worthwhile, like having all the time in the world to sleep in, watching bad movies, eating take-out (vaguely off limits now that Jiwon is preparing for a debut soon). 

Things are okay-ish. 

The funny thing is, whenever a few areas of his life is going well, another will inevitably implode. This time, it’s his own writing career. He becomes despondent, watching newer employees get better and more high profile assignments and top page billings and by-lines. Donghyuk encourages him to hang in there as best as he can but it’s not really a problem Donghyuk has had for a long time, being the magazines star-writer and the editor’s favourite. 

Hanbin tries to write better, write stronger, write harder but all it does is churn out depersonalised pieces that not even he really cares about. 

It’s Jiwon, because of course it would be, who ends up being the catalyst. 

“If you don’t love it, why don’t you try something else?”

1 month turns into 2 months and by the third, the question is still cycling around Hanbin’s mind. And for someone who tries to plan everything within an inch of it’s life, he does something completely unplanned: he goes to work on a Thursday morning, walks past his office, knocks on the Editor’s door and gives his 2 week’s notice. 

After spending 30 minutes apologising to Donghyuk and promising to stay in contact he leaves the Daily Grind behind. In all sense of the word.

Then he has a panic attack in the car park. 

“Could’ve warned me about this in the morning babe.” Jiwon teases gently when he comes to pick Hanbin up and drive his car home. 

“I didn’t know I was going to do it today!” Hanbin grumbles in his seat. 

“So. How does it feel?”

“How do you think?! I didn’t even make a back up plan. What the hell was I thinking. You should always have a back up plan. What the hell am I going to do now? How are we going to pay the rent and-”

“Woah woah woah.....come on, you’ll be ok. We’ve got savings and I’m still working. It’s gonna be okay.”

“I can’t expect you to-”

“To what? Support you? Like you did for me before I got signed?”

“That’s different.”

“It’s not and you know it.”

Hanbin just humms in response. 

“Tell me how you really feel. Honestly.”

“Well.....” Hanbin sighs, pauses, looks out the window at the city whizzing by and basks in the knowledge that tomorrow is really a brand new day. He doesn’t have to wake up and go to the same place, only to sit down and force his brain to type words he doesn’t care about. Rinse repeat rinse repeat. 

A smile creeps on his face after awhile. Jiwon makes an amused sound but doesn’t say anything.

“I guess, I’m kinda....relieved?”

“That all?”

“And better?”

“Anything else?”

“A little bit excited?” Hanbin grimaces then. “God no, that’s just lame.”

Jiwon reaches over to mess with Hanbin’s dark hair. “Nah, it’s not. It’s good babe. It’s real good. I’m proud of you for doing this. As I said, when we have kids, they’re gonna have balls of steel genetically and that’s gonna come from you.”

Hanbin rolls his eyes in mock disgust. “What if we have girls?”

“Even better, haha.”

For the first few days of his unemployment, the apartment is just so quiet when everyone in the block is either at school, tai chi for the Eldery or at work. Except Hanbin. Hanbin is on the couch, holding the phone in his hand, his mum’s number staring back at him. He’d cleaned the apartment three times. Folding and ironing all his clothes then all of Jiwon’s. Making enough meals to last the entire week in one day. 

There’s just the small-big task of telling his parents that he quit his job.

And his parents? Well, they don’t take it how he expects them to but at the same time, it’s oddly typical. He chickens out of calling them and drives there instead. 

His dad scolds him for not having a back up plan and rambles on and on in a long-winded version of “I told you so”. But to everyone’s complete surprise, his dad doesn’t try to get him back into the business company again, he offers of course but Hanbin can’t do a job like that, it’d kill him and they all know it. 

When he leaves, it’s not on an entirely bad note. His mother is concerned. His dad is full of suggestions and demands Hanbin updates his resume and reads the list of options he provides. It’s kind of heartwarming, even if he knows that his Pre-Stroke dad would never be like this. 

And Hanbyul? Well, she has self interest in his unemployment. 

“Can we go get bubble tea and cake after ballet then?! And you can pick me up from school! But in Jiwon’s car!”

“Gotta check my schedule.....Oh that’s right! I’m free indefinitely!”

“YAY!”

And funnily enough, his days get filled up pretty easily. Playdates with his sister, lunch dates with Yun, hanging around June at the tattoo shop, not being mentally exhausted when Jiwon gets home, being able to have dinner and get up early to kiss Jiwon goodbye in the mornings without the time pressure. 

But most importantly. 

[hi]

[Hi? I’m in a meeting]

[so am i, a meetng wth spongebob]

[lol go do something with my baby, I can’t talk right now]

[its ok, your baby can’t tlk either]

[Jiwon...]

[hanbin....]

[Omg, what is up with you today? And why isn’t he in that red onesie from this morning?]

[we jst wanted to say hi]

[had to change him, juice accidnt, his fault not mine!]

[Seriously? Blaming the baby? That’s a new low]

[I really need to get back to my meeting]

[fj485hfkgvn]

[what?]

[my son typed u a txt]

[What a genius. Tell him that I love him and will see him soon]

[wat abt his dad?]

[Who?]

[Not funny]

[Haha, I really need to go now]

[Love you/miss you etc]

[fjo308hfk]

“BA!” 

“Sssh, baby no. Quiet.” He gathers up their son before he tries to make a run for it (again). Jiwon is talking to his live band and even though he’s a fair distance away, a baby’s voice somehow always carries. A few stage techs look up at them with annoyed or curious looks and he knows it really shouldn’t but he feels guilty anyway. This is Jiwon’s work. 

“BA!” The baby yells again, this time pointing towards the stage and looking at him expectantly, as if he wants to be carried down there. 

“Oh my god.” He mutters under his breath. “He’s right there. He’s not going anywhere.”

Jiwon’s mic turns on then and he tests it a few times. 

After that, it’s all pretty much downhill. 8 months or not, a wriggly baby boy is near impossible to contain. His arms are pretty good at catching and keeping their kids by now but even so, this new kid is really testing the limits of his patience and strength by struggling out of them. 

“NO! Stop it.” He whispers sharply. 

The baby stills in his arms, half giving up and then, heartbreakingly, looks up at him with big teary eyes and a confused frown. 

“Ba?”

“No baby, we can’t go down there. Dad’s working. We can see him later, okay?”

He hates this. Hates even having to restrain his son from seeing his favourite dad. He hates feeling guilty that their son is distracting the stage crew. He hates it. Almost as much as he hates pretending he’s just Jiwon’s friend coming to visit him. 

He cuddles their son into his chest as they make their way out of the arena, letting him sulk and pout but feeling exactly the same way. “We’ll see him later.”

It’s always later. After everyone else has finished with Jiwon. 

Why did they think any of this would be easy?

*****

Jiwon:

Tour rehearsals. A necessary evil he just has to deal with now. Jin dragged him into it, kicking and screaming. He had asked Hanbin to come for moral support and after days of cuddles and kisses and straight up begging, Hanbin grumbled and agreed. 

But their son wasn’t in child care yet. He was too young.

Which means that whenever he looks up to the seats in the arena, there he is. The little wriggling blob struggling in Hanbin’s arms. It’s distracting, sure, but he loves hearing his son call out to him and he almost doesn’t care what anyone thinks about it.

But. 

He hates that the crew are throwing annoyed looks into the stands and then at him. He hates that he can’t even get mad at it because this is work. He wants to put his family first but he can’t. He hates that all this is probably making Hanbin feel like shit right now. He hates that he’s forced to even care what people think about his family. 

After mic check, the baby yells out a few more times and then, when he’s in the middle of responding to the lighting guy, the baby babbling just stops. 

He looks up towards the seats but they’re empty now. 

“Finally.” A stage tech says. “Who the hell brings a baby to these things?”

“You got kids?” He asks, trying everything to keep the rising anger out of his voice. 

“Hell, no.” 

“Then you have no idea what it’s like.” He says, walking off and pretending to be engrossed in his mic pack and call sheet. He doesn’t want to be rude but this fucking spotty hipster better keep his mouth shut unless he wants a fight today. 

He wishes he could leave and go looking for Hanbin and their son but he can’t. He knows he’s can’t. So many people need him here and this is all their jobs right now. He’s too much a professional to fuck that up and he knows that Hanbin wouldn’t want him to anyway. 

It’s not till much later, way past lunch break, that he bolts outside and calls Hanbin’s phone. 

“Hey.”

“Hey! Where are you? Are you still here?”

“Yeah, we’re in the car park. He got really fussy and loud in there....”

“I’ll come out.”

“No, it’s okay. I think I’ll take him home. This was a bad idea, Jiwon. He’s not ready for all this.”

“Just let me see him for a bit before you go?”

He hears Hanbin sigh heavily. He hates that sound. 

“Yeah, okay.”

“BA BA BA!” 

He loves it, the way their son automatically lights up and reaches for him as soon as they see each other. Their daughter was growing up so fast and has friends and hobbies now but the baby was still his baby and wanted to be held all the time. He’ll miss it when he grows up too.

“Awww, I missed you!” He says, hugging the warm blob tightly. “Sorry it’s so boring.”

“It’s not boring.” Hanbin says. “He loves it. He wants to be on stage with you.”

“Oh. Then we should-”

“No.” Hanbin replies, shaking his head with a frown. “Everyone got pissed at us. It’s distracting. You know that.”

He does know that. He knows Hanbin’s right but it doesn’t mean he has to like it. 

“This sucks.” He says, kissing their son’s chubby cheeks. “Cutest kid in the world and they plan a bloody tour now.”

“Cutest kid? Man, if your own daughter heard you talking....” 

He smiles at Hanbin. “Come on, she thinks we’re lame now that she goes to school. At least this kid still likes me.”

“He loves you.” Hanbin murmurs, voice soft and warm.

He leans across the car to kiss Hanbin suddenly. Just because he wanted to. 

“It’ll get easier right?”

Hanbin would kick his ass if he ever heard what was going on in his head. He’d probably get the kids in on it too. It makes the corners of his mouth curl up automatically. 

“That’s better Jiwon, hold it there....bit more...bit more....okay, good.” The photographer sighs in relief, lowering her camera and ordering the spotlights to dim down. “Think we got it but Jin wants some shots of you in the suit so maybe we’ll get those done after a coffee break?”

“Yeah, okay.” He nods, already taking off the bulky jacket they put him in. Coffee is banned right now but he’ll settle for a diet coke with ice. 

It’s a sunny quiet day outside and once he’s back in his sweatpants, he finds a shady secluded patch of grass to sit on. There’s an unread message from Hanbin on his phone. 

[He cried after you left. But now he’s eating grass]

[wth? whys he eatin grass]

[How am I supposed to know?! We’re at the park and he’s eating grass.]

[well did u stop him? is he gonna get sick]

[what kind of parent do you think I am!? Of course I did. But then he cried when I tried to take the grass away. I googled it btw. He’ll be fine.]

Hanbin sends a photo through and as soon as it loads, he laughs out loud to himself. It’s their youngest son, in a navy blue onesie, complete with a red hat that says ‘Please take care of this bear’ on it. His eyes are big but his gummy smile is bigger. There’s bits of grass all over his cheeks and a small clump in his chubby fist. He looks so proud of himself and completely ridiculous. 

[fuck hanbin, he’s so cute]

[I know right haha]

[did u dress him like paddngton bear tho?]

[yeah, he likes it]

[he’s like 11 mnths old, just admt that YOU like it]

[I’m his dad. I can do what I want]

Hanbin sends through more photos of their son, each more unbearable than the one before it. The last one is of both of them laying on the picnic rug, Hanbin is in mid-laughter because their son is offering him the clump of grass. 

He sets that one as his phone background. Fuck the rumours. It’s too cute.

“Jiwon?”

He looks up, smile still plastered on his face. “Yeah?”

The photoshoot assistant shrinks back a few steps and bows his head apologetically. “They just sent me to check if you were ready to continue?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.” He nods, sighing inwardly about how much time he misses with the kids. They’re growing up and he’s not even there for half of it. 

[gotta go, see you this weekend]

[ok, me and Spongebob Paddington Bear miss you]

[the other 2 dont?]

[nah, they’re older so we’re really uncool now, it’s ok the baby bear is our best kid anyway]

[omg]

[I raised them, I can say what I want!]

[well, i rlly miss you and all our baby bears]

[i miss you too, stop moping and go back to work dad]

[ok, love you xxj]

[love you too xhxj]

He scrolls through all the recent photos again, past the baby cow-bear shots and to the other ones of their eldest daughter helping Hanbin renovate the treehouse and their middle son playing the piano. He is lucky. So lucky. Two more days and he’ll get to see them all again. Hopefully they haven’t forgotten all about him.