#cusid

This unique thing happens only during/after debate tournaments. It's almost as if your hormonal cycles have magically lined up to the highest point during the time of a tournament and you really FEEL like you need to feel something. I shall attempt to explain this.

The overwhelming amount of knowledge and insight coming out of each round is a lot to handle in the first place. It's freaking insane how much you actually learn about how humans work, and how they have existed in just an hour. You feel small and unimportant in a world that is just simply so much more. You also feel like your brain is almost separate of your body. It's weird, but a fantastic feeling.

Then there's the fact that your abilities are judged and quantified every single moment. Can be a lot of pressure, but it's also this great challenge that instills paramount stress management and a willingness to pull out bullshit confidence out of thin air. Life skillage. You walk out of a room either thinking "I thinking I did all right...hit everything..." or "wow, I really f*cked up." Like an exam, except 7 to 10 other people know exactly which of the two you managed to fulfill. Awful, but you're told very soon why you suck or why what you said sucked. All good. Nothing other than debate will ever prepare you for failure in such a holistic way.

It's also during tournaments, and on all the days involved, when you really feel expressive to an alarming amount. Let's be honest: debaters are some of the smartest and most aware human beings on the planet. All those rights to free speech and freedom of expression that you randomly assert in rounds actually are respected and magnified at tournaments. We have this aroma of social buzz and humour literally percolating everywhere. And you wonder why you couldn't just remain anti-social and chill, and instead, will spew bouts of really unfortunate things that other debaters have to deal with. 

The fist and foot become suddenly enraged, as if they were sleeping and have just woken up. They're ready to make monumental impact with either the faces or balls of idiots. Of course it wasn't your fault you weren't clear and they rolled you...it's them who f*cking twisted what you said LOL. Oh logical fallacies, how you seem to sprout up at scary frequencies during tournaments. F*ck that.

Then there are phermones and frontal cortexes. No matter how asexual you'd like to remain and focus on rounds, you're always going to meet stunning individuals whom you'd like to know better, or whom you'd REALLY like to know better. Someone you'd like to have a drink with (even though I don't drink), someone you'd like to play 20 questions with, someone you'd like to geek out with, someone who you'd honestly like to cuddle with. Sometimes a person is some, or all of these identities. And your thirst for knowledge and action just cannot be quenched. It's difficult when you're in the same building or room with these people for 3 fucking days. It's ridiculous, but it drives you, like you have something to prove. BUT YOU JUST CAN'T FORGET THIS. These feelings cling onto you so hard that you almost just want to construct a model to sentence them to eternal hell. The urge for intimacy, or the lack thereof, can drive someone to abnormal places in their head. Insecurity also joins the party, because you can never truly believe you're worth enough to go ask another debater if they'd like to hang out/suggest spending more time together, BECAUSE THEY'RE PROBABLY TOO GOOD AND SMART.