#cureableoptimist

I'm bad with people. Not in that cute, quirky, romanticized way. But in the "calling someone to schedule an appointment sends me into tears" kind of way. I don't like it. So, pretending effort for something I didn't plan to do worked out for me. I sat with my fiancee, OnceandFutureKimli, outside the Courtyard of the Pru, watching cosplayers, pretending to be interested when I spotted a Dean and Castiel taking pictures out on the grass. I acted like I didn't to see them, but my fiancee did. When she pointed them out I explained what was wrong. That I was scared. That they probably had no interest in doing a photoshoot, probably didn't even know about it. I didn't want to disturb them, bother them, annoy them. I assumed they would just walk out a door far away from me so that I could pretend to try and catch up with them, fail, and go about my day. But they didn't. When they left the courtyard they came out the door right next to me. So, with an urge from my fiancee I went up and asked them if they had been on the forums and knew about a Supernatural photoshoot. They politely and confusedly said no, so I scurried away to sit with my fiancee, shaking so hard I could barely breath. I needed to sit for a moment longer to get my nerves in check, but while I was doing that the two of them returned. The Dean said, essentially, "We're gonna do our own photoshoot at three in the courtyard, you should come. Let any other cosplayers know if you see them," then smiled and walked away.

I don't know what kind of stupid face I made. I don't know if they saw how happy or how scared I was. But I was both. This meant that we were gonna have the photoshoot I wanted, but it also meant that now I was expected- I couldn't just not show up, not after what they had done. I wandered around for a half an hour, telling any Spn cosplayers I could find, including the fabulous PagingDrSexy, who I met at NYCC 2012.

So, at 2:30 I sat on the benches outside the courtard and watched ever everyone who slowly gathered. Like I had originally wanted, there was a very small Doctor Who/Sherlock photoshoot happening at the same time, and so the groups naturally blended together. My fiancee could tell that I wanted to skip out. I mean really, no one would notice, I wouldn't be missed. But I wanted to go. I shook. I tried not to cry. Just the idea of going out and talking to these strangers made me feel like I was about to strap weights to my ankles before trying to swim. With gentle coaxing and a promise to go with me, my fiancee finally convinced me to, eventually, go. It wasn't until I saw a Sam cosplayer, wearing a pair of antlers, that I finally decided to get up and go out into the courtyard.

Never before have I had so much fun at a photoshoot. I was anxious the entire time, and still needed to take breaks to sit by myself, but it was fun. The group we had was small, which I am completely grateful for, and it gave all of us the chance to chat one on one. The Castiel cosplayer I had chatted with was more than kind, and I could see in her face that she knew what was happening with me. She kept me involved and gave me silence when I needed it. The Dean gave me direction, took control, and really really helped with making me feel like I was a necessary part of the team, which I also needed.

An hour later the shoot died down, everyone started leaving. My fiancee excused herself to go to the restroom, leaving me alone with the group for the first time, just as everyone was departing. I stood off to the side, awkwardly, as people moved and left to make way for a Bleach photoshoot. However, the Dean and Castiel spotted me waiting, and came back to hang out with me while I waited. I'm not exaggerating when I said I wanted to cry. So, instead, I explained what had happened. That I almost skipped the shoot, that I was scared to come. It's difficult to apologize for being awkward when you have anxiety because it's like having to apologize to someone for being yourself. Instead of being irritated or disgusted, they seemed confused and were completely sympathetic to my situation. I don't know what they were thinking, or feeling, but their response assured me that I had made the right choice. We traded tumblrs. The Dean was Kun, aka EncrustedSunshine on tumblr. The Cas was CureableOptimist.

I can never say how grateful I was. How grateful I still am. I spent the rest of the con hoping, trying to find them again (I desperately wanted to get an Izaya/Prussia shot with the Cas because I knew that they were cosplaying Prussia and Hungary the next day. Which is really just an excuse because I don't know how to say "hey, you're cool, let's hang out.") When I ran into the two of them again at a Les Mis get-together on the last day I almost didn't say anything to them despite having tried so hard to find them for the last two days, but when they walked past me I took the plunge and got their attention. Come the end of the con Kun and I traded numbers and I left the con with three more friends than I had started with (PagingDrSexy included here for being fucking awesome.)

I still don't know how I mustered up the ability to go to the shoot, or even talk to the two of them in the first place, but I know I couldn't have done it alone. If they had hinted, even slightly, that they were irritated or bored with me in the slightest, I would have left. When it comes to anxiety there isn't much I can do, unless the people around me are supportive and understanding, giving me enough space to breathe while quietly telling me that it's okay for me to be there.