#csashton

The relationship you were in was beyond toxic. It had been for the last two years of dating, but you couldn’t bring yourself to leave. Everyone had their suspicions about what went on behind closed doors, especially Pierre. You did your best to hide it.

He’d tried for months to get you to break up with James, but none of his tactics worked. You loved James, and James loved you. Sometimes had some rough days and he would take it out on you. But everyone had rough days, right?

The first six months were a dream. He treated you like you were a queen. Extravagant dates, trips, gifts, anything you asked for, he got for you. Then one day it was like a switch flipped. More often than not you were arguing, or he would start a fight over something trivial. Anything that went wrong in his day-to-day life was your fault. It took a massive toll on your mental health, but you pushed through. It was nothing you couldn’t deal with.

Pierre noticed immediately. He would call daily to check in on you, making sure you didn't need anything.

More recently, James had become physical with you. It first started with pushing or shoving you out of his way during an argument. Then one day it all came to a head. You had forgotten to wash his shirt for a work trip, so you wouldn't have time to iron it before he left. This ended up with you shoved into the wall, a hand around your throat as you gasped for air, begging him to let go.

You forgave him, of course. He came back from his work trip with flowers and a beautiful gift in hand. He showered you with kisses and apologies, so you swept it under the rug.

Coming up with excuses as to why you couldn’t hang out or go to events with Pierre was the hard part. He caught on, though you’re sure he assumed it was James not allowing you to go. He didn’t know about the abuse, and you were determined to keep it that way.

Over the last few months, you’d gotten a lot better at hiding the bruises. When Pierre asked to hang out, you'd fake a work trip or illness. You couldn’t even remember the last time you’d seen Pierre in person, the limited conversations either over facetime or phone calls.

Now, curled up in a hospital bed, you knew there was no way of keeping it from him. He was your emergency contact. You couldn't recall why this fight started. Unsure if either the concussion or blacking out was the cause. But it was the worst one yet.

There was a sharp pain radiating through your head and a dull ache through the rest of your body. The sound of a chair squeaking caught your attention, pulling your eyes, well eye that wasn’t swollen shut, to the corner of the room. Pierre was there, an angry look on his face, arms crossed over his chest.

“I’m guessing you won’t buy the ‘I fell down the stairs’ excuse?” You choke out, trying to lighten his mood. At the sound of your voice, he’s up and sitting on the edge of the bed, cradling one of your hands in his. “Please, don’t joke right now, mon ange.” His voice is scratchy like he’s been crying. “Sorry.” You whisper as you look away, “I don’t like seeing you worry, or seeing you angry.” His hand comes up to brush your hair from your face, thumb brushing your cheek. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you.” his voice breaks near the end, his free hand coming up to wipe the tears on his cheek.

“You have enough to worry about, Pear. You didn’t need to worry about me.” He brushes off your explanation, opening his mouth to argue, but you cut him off. “It was never this bad, he’s never been this bad. I don’t know what set him off. Everything was fine, and then it wasn’t.” you mutter, taking a deep breath as you watch the emotions flick across his face.

His mouth opens and closes a few times before he finally speaks, “He almost killed you.” You nod, biting your lip as you shift in bed, groaning in pain. “You’ve got a concussion, broken nose, broken wrist, a few broken ribs, a broken ankle and foot. You’re more bruise than you are human at this point. But somehow no internal bleeding, even though he used your stomach as a boxing bag.” his voice trembles as he looks down.

“That explains why I feel like shit, but I’m sure the black eyes bring out my beauty, yeah?” you attempt to joke, earning a token judgemental Pierre glare. Humor had always been your way of coping.

“I thought you were dead when they called.” He admits, thumb rubbing over the back of your hand. “Your neighbor Ms. Nancy heard you screaming for help, she called the police. But you were silent by the time they got there. I got the call from the hospital, they had you stable by the time I got here.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you, and I’m sorry for not telling you.” You hesitate, gripping his hand in yours. “It wasn’t bad, in the beginning. He didn’t start any physical stuff until a few months ago - before it was only verbal. But he would always apologize and he was so sweet to be when he got back.” Tears fill your eyes as you continue, “But I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t burden you with that. I had to pull away from you, he would get so mad when he found out I was talking to you. I didn’t want anything to happen to you.” you whisper, squeezing his hand again.

Pierre’s got tears in his eyes when you look up, his mouth twisted in a frown. “I told you to stop protecting me. But that’s not the point right now.” he waves you off as you try to interrupt him. “What matters is you’re safe, he’s in police custody. You’re going to get healthy, the boys will move your things out of the apartment as soon as possible. You will stay with me until you’re healthy and safe.” he stresses.

“Pierre, I ca-” He holds his hand up again, “If the next words are not, ‘thank you, Pierre, I will move in, Pierre.’ I do not want to hear them.” his voice is serious, eyes hard when you look up again.

“Thank you, Pierre. I will move in, Pierre.” You grin, rolling your eyes at him. “He’s lucky that I didn’t get a phone call from Ms. Nancy, or he’d be in the morgue and I’d be in jail for murder.” You nudge him as best you can with your casted arm, leaning your head back on the pillow.

“Can you please not tell anyone this happened?” You ask, “I don’t want to worry anyone else, and I don’t want to deal with all the drama that comes with it.” He’s got a sheepish look on his face as you finish speaking. “I already told Charles, and Charles told Carlos who told Lando. They’re figuring out the logistics of moving your things, the police should be done surveying your apartment soon. Then they can get started.”

A loud groan leaves your throat as you bring your hands up to cover your face, “Pierre.” you mutter, “that’s so embarrassing. They’re going to think I’m so weak and stupid for staying.” His hands pull yours away from your face, pinning them to your sides. “If I ever hear you talking bad about yourself again, you’re going to sit through hours of myself and Charles complimenting you, do you want that? No one will thing you're weak or stupid. No one knows what you went through every day.” he states, voice stern but eyes twinkling. You shake your head, then groan at the pain of your brain rattling around.

“Ugh, okay. That was stupid. I need to rest, I’m getting nauseous again.” Your voice wavers as you speak. “Sleep, I’ll be here when you wake up.” He’s quiet as he pulls the scratchy blanket back up over you, tucking you in. You’re not released until a few days later, but you’re chomping at the bit to get out. Against Pierre’s wishes, you make him take you back to the apartment. A fresh pair of clothes and a phone charger is all you want. The sound of voices greet you when you arrive, crutches and a hovering Pierre behind you.

“Oh, my god.” Lando’s voice is a whisper as you crutch into the kitchen where he’s crouching on the floor. He's cleaning up what looks like broken glass with specks of your blood mixed in. Carlos and Charles rush into the room not a few seconds later, Charles’ hand flying up to his mouth. Carlos muttered a quick, “Ay, dios mio!” before shutting his mouth, staring at you wide-eyed.

“I’m not a spectacle, I’m still the same old me.” You snap before taking a deep breath, looking around the room. There are poorly cleaned trails of your blood across the room, and shattered glass littering the floor. Duffel bags are sitting by the door which you assume has your belongings in it. “Please tell me you’re not cleaning up my blood.” You can’t help the shake in your voice, “Please, this is not your responsibility. Please stop.” you beg, wobbling on your crutches while Pierre grabs onto your hips to hold you up.

“Mon ange, please calm down. They wanted to help, they didn’t want you to come back to a mess when you got your things.” he explains, holding you as you lean your crutches against the wall, then lean back into him for support. “Please stop. I will call someone to deal with this, I want to get my things and go. I want a nap, my body hurts and I just need the emotional support of my friends. I don’t need you to fix my mess.” You can’t help but complain. “I’m very thankful, and I love you all very much. But, I would appreciate if you stop staring at me like a zoo animal and help me carry my things out of here. I don’t want to be here any longer than necessary.”

The tremble in your voice snaps them into gear. Carlos grabbing the duffels by the door while Charles and Lando grab whatever boxes they packed from the bedroom and living area.

Once you’re settled on the couch at Pierre’s, Lando insists on unpacking your things into the guest room. You must fall asleep on the couch because when you wake up, your head is in a sleeping Pierre’s lap. Your foot, in the massive boot, propped up on a pillow in Carlos’ lap. Lando and Charles are asleep on the floor in front of the couch and a credit scene is rolling on the TV. Sure, you’ve just gone through the most traumatic thing in your life. But all you needed to heal was being here, with them… and maybe a little (lot) of therapy. 

One. 

“Honestly, Pierre. You’re insane. We’re 15 - I can’t marry you.” You say, shaking your head at him. The both of you are laying in the grass outside your childhood home. You’ve been the best of friends since you were in diapers, and he’d recently gotten on this new kick of asking you to marry him. He’d had a rough relationship that just ended.

 “Why not? We get along really well, we like the same things. I think it’ll be perfect. We should just get married. It makes it so easy, mon ange.” You laugh at him, slapping him gently on the chest.

 "How about this, if we both are single at 25 you can ask me again." you offer, turning on your side to look at him. "Deal." 

Two.

Pierre spent most of his free time, when he wasn't training, at your apartment - mostly on your couch playing video games. "Pierre! Food is ready!" you call out from the kitchen, sliding the plate across the counter to where he normally sat when you ate together.

 "All these wifely duties and no ring on your finger?" he jokes as he takes his seat. "Ha. Ha." you deadpan as you sit next to him, you watch as he takes his first bite. "Oh my god." he nearly moans with his mouth full, "Marry me, please." You laugh, shaking your head. "It's just food, Pierre. Don't be dramatic." As you take a bite, he laughs. "Who said I'm being dramatic? I'm asking you to marry me, I don't think that's dramatic." 

Rolling your eyes you gently hit him on the shoulder, "I'm eighteen not twenty-five, and you're in a relationship." 

Three. 

Pierre’s relationships never seemed to last long, and your last relationship ended as quickly as it started. He said you spent too much time with Pierre and he couldn't deal with competition in his own relationship. You'd given up on finding a new relationship given all your travel for work, and to attend Pierre’s races. Now you’d found yourself sitting at a table in some swanky restaurant with a few of the other drivers, Pierre sitting to your left and Daniel sitting to your right.

"So, what are mom and dad's plans for the week?" he asks, his signature smirk spreading across his lips.

 "Daniel, how can we be mom and dad? You're literally older than me - I just turned twenty-one." you laugh, taking a sip of your wine. 

"You're the parents of the paddock, and you're basically married. You're attached at the hip and he's constantly staying at your place." You scrunch your nose at him, sticking your tongue out.

"Just because your best friend isn't as great as Pierre doesn't mean you have to be jealous, Danny." Pierre’s voice cuts in as his arm slings over your shoulder, "The only reason we're not married is because she won't say yes. I ask her all the time. I asked her this morning and she said no, again." You roll your eyes at him, gently shoving him with your shoulder. "I told him to wait til I'm twenty-five, and if we're still both single, I'll say yes." 

Four.

"Pierre." You mumble, shoving his shoulder from where you stand next to the couch. "Come on, get up. You'll fuck up your back sleeping here." His voice is muffled by the pillow when he responds, so you pull on his arm. "Up you get, you can sleep in my bed." 

Once you had gotten him into your bed, shoes off and tucked in, you turned out the light. "I love you mon cœur, you treat me so well." His voice slurs slightly making you laugh, "I love you too, now go to sleep - your hangover is going to be killer." As you get comfortable, you feel his arm sling around your waist and his face press into the back of your neck. "I'm gonna marry you one day, and then you'll be forced to take care of me forever. You'll marry me right, mon amour?" you laugh, patting his hand where it rests on your stomach. "Go to sleep, Pierre." 

Five. 

"Happy Birthday!" His voice startles you as you walk into your apartment," My favorite person is twenty-four!" Smiling, you walk into his waiting arms to get a hug. "Thank you, Pierre. Though I hardly believe I'm your favorite person. Yuki still exists." you joke, stepping back to look at him. "You are, I promise. Now get changed I'm taking you to dinner." You raise your eyebrows, hands moving to rest on your hips. "We're going to dinner? Just the two of us?" you ask, feeling suspicious. 

"Shoo, no questions. Get dressed I laid out your outfit." You roll your eyes as you walk to the bedroom and get changed quickly. As you get seated in the restaurant, you're sure your eyebrows still haven't fallen back to their normal place. "Pierre, this place is way too fancy." you whisper as you gently kick his shin under the table. "Only the best for my favorite girl on her birthday, yeah?" his voice is too fond for you to handle, a blush rising on your cheeks.

"Is this an actual date? Are we on a date right now?" you question, avoiding his eyes when he looks up at you. 

"Have we not been dating for the last three years?" his voice is serious, causing your eyes to snap to his.

"What?" Your mind reels for a moment, "What do you mean we've been dating for the last three years?" your voice is hesitant.

 "You haven't dated anyone, I haven't dated anyone. You come to all my races, I come to all your events. We go on vacations together? I spend all my time at your apartment. Daniel calls us mom and dad of the paddock, surely you can't be that oblivious." You laugh quietly which quickly turns into a giggle fit. 

"Oh my god, you never asked me or said anything! You’ve just expected me to know?." you nearly cackle, causing everyone to look at you. 

One. 

The two of you are enjoying summer break, now officially dating. You're laying out on a towel in the sand, listening to the waves crash along the shore. Pierre is wrapped around your legs, head resting on your stomach as you run your fingers through his damp hair. 

"I can't believe you just assumed we were dating. Don't you think that's something that you'd clarify?" you question, you haven't let that go since it happened well over six months ago. 

"Amour, you're really still on about that?" his lips brush against your skin as he speaks, "I really shouldn't be surprised, you're not the best at communicating. You've been asking me to marry you since fifteen, long before we were even actually dating." You hum, thinking back you realize he hadn't asked you in a while. "Hey, Pierre?" you ask softly, causing him to look up at you. "Yes, cherie?" 

You smile, "Ask me?" His eyebrows pull together, unsure of what you mean. "Ask you what?" he questions, shifting up onto his elbow. "Ask me." you prompt again, shifting up to a sitting position. You see the moment it clicks in his mind as he scrambles onto his knees. "You're serious?" his eyes go wide, "Wait you're not twenty-five. I'm not twenty-five? I don't have the ring with me, I can't ask you." 

"What do you mean you don't have the ring with you?" you laugh, surely he's joking. "You told me I had to wait til we were twenty-five! I left it in my sock drawer." his voice is stressed as he brings his hands up to his face. "Pierre, just ask me please?" you prompt, moving to sit on your knees in front of him. Once he uncovers his face, you the smile on his lips. "Mon amour, I've waited since we were fifteen for you to say yes. So don't mess with me here, okay?" his voice is soft and you nod at him.

"Will you marry me?" he asks, eyes bright. "Yes, Pierre. I'll marry you." 

“Remember when you used to look at me like that?” Your voice is soft as the couple strolls down the beach before you, lost in each other's eyes while the sun sets behind them. Really, it looks straight off of a romance novel cover. You reminisce on when that used to be the two of you, taking trips together or coming down to this very beach when he was home from races. Taking midnight walks or grabbing an ice cream to share.

He had been distant from you for the last few months, really the last half a year. A completely different person than the man you had fallen in love with just over three years ago. His answering huff strikes a nerve as you turn to look at him. “What?” you ask, leaning your head onto the bench you’re sitting on, eyes trailing the side of his face. He had the most beautiful side profile, even if he was currently squinting down at his phone screen. 

“Don’t you think that’s a bit dramatic, babe?” his voice laced with laughter, not bothering to look up from his phone. You tried talking to him about this a few weeks ago, but he had brushed it off - telling you that you were reading into things too much and that he was too busy to deal with it. 

“Not really, Lando.” You mumbled, unsure if you really wanted to start this argument here. Though you weren’t sure the next time you would be able to talk about this, he was always gone and you knew he would try to brush it off again. “You’re not the same as you were when we first started dating.” Your voice wavers slightly as you speak, returning your face to the ocean. 

“People change, I don’t know what you want me to say.” His voice is laced with frustration as he speaks, typing angrily on his phone screen. “I don’t treat you poorly, you live in a beautiful place. I give you everything you ask for. I don’t know what you have to complain about.” 

Your chest tightens in response as you let out a deep breath. “You know I don’t care about the physical things, Lando. It’s really shitty of you to even insinuate that. You asked me to move in with you, I had my own place. I buy my own things.” Rubbing your hands over your face, you shake your head for a moment. “Physically, you’re here, but emotionally? I’ve been on my own for a while now.” you explain as you take a steadying breath. 

Finally, he locks his phone and turns to face you. “I’ve been busy, what else do you want from me?” his tone is hurt, as you expected. “I want you to care about me, I want you to love me the way you did when we first started dating. I don’t know what has changed, I don’t know if you don’t love me anymore. I don’t know if there’s someone else - but I’m tired of carrying the emotional load of this relationship on my own.” You can't keep the tears from falling anymore, so you swipe them quickly from your face. “When’s the last time you asked me about my day? When was the last time you asked about my family? My job? My hobbies? About me?” you continue, hands trembling. “Do you even know that I got a promotion?” you ask - tone bitter as you shift away from him. 

His eyes soften for a moment, his hand comes up to rub his chin. A tell that he’s uncomfortable with the situation and doesn’t know how to proceed. “There’s- ” he hesitates for a moment, “I just have had a lot going on. A lot has been changing, and I think that I’ve grown out this time of my life?” he’s quiet when he finishes speaking, keeping his eyes locked on the waves crashing the shore. 

Your heart feels like it’s been stomped on, “What do you mean?” you can’t help the way your cheeks burn, nausea catching you off guard for a moment. There’s no way he means what you think he means. He wrings his hands together in front of him, letting out a long sigh. “I just think that we’ve outgrown each other. I think we have different priorities in life, and that we should go our separate ways.” 

“Oh,” you breathe out, you’re not sure how much time has passed - but you see the sun nearly below the horizon. Ironically close to how you’re feeling, left in the dark. “How long have you felt this way?” you ask, you’re not even sure if you said anything with how quiet your voice is. His response isn’t much louder, “I don’t know, maybe a few months? Four or five?” 

A surge of anger courses through you as you stand from the bench, clenching your fists. “You asked me to move in with you, I gave up my apartment and my space. All while you were feeling this way?” you spit out at him, pacing in front of the bench. “What the hell, Lando?” you rant, coming to a stop in front of him. 

“I thought it would fix how I was feeling. If we lived together, it would show me what my next step was. The next step to building our future together. But it made it worse. I feel trapped.” His words strike you as though you’ve been slapped, making you take a step back. 

You’d made him feel trapped, unhappy.

“I don’t understand?” you ask, pressing your lips together. “I gave you your space, I kept my job, and you’re gone all the time for races. I stopped going to races when you asked, I stopped our daily calls?” you explain needlessly. He sits silently as you continue, “You said you were happy, why didn’t you tell me you felt this way? We could’ve done something to fix it? I could’ve moved out!” you exclaim, tossing your hands in the air. “Why did you give up on us?” you ask, voice broken. 

As he opens his mouth to answer, his phone screen lights up in his lap. He tries to quickly lock it, but it’s too late. A scoff leaves your mouth when you see her face pop up, “It’s her, isn’t it?” you ask, stepping back while he stands up with his hands out.  “Baby - I promise we haven’t done anything. I didn’t cheat. We’ve just been talking, and she understands me. She understands how I feel. It feels new and exciting.” he ignores your question, stepping toward you. 

“You’re giving up three years of us, for her? Someone you told me to never worry about? You think you’ve outgrown this portion of your life? You haven’t grown at all. You’re still an immature little boy, you think she’s going to fix the fact you’re afraid of commitment? That’s why it feels new and exciting, Lando. You’re scared.” you hiss, not caring that the few people around are starting to stare at you. He reaches out for you again, “Don’t touch me. You can have her,” you wipe your tears again. “But do not call me for anything. I’m moving my shit out and I don’t want to hear from you ever again, do you understand me? Never, Lando. I don’t care what you do or who you do it with.” Your voice cracks as you continue, heart-shattering into pieces. “I wish you’d told me months ago so I wouldn't have wasted my time moving here, moving away from my family, giving up everything for you.” 

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt you.” A sad laugh leaves your mouth before you can stop it, “Didn’t want to hurt me?” you ask, “didn’t want to hurt me?” you repeat louder. “Well, you fucking did!” you’re yelling at this point, hands thrown in the air. “Fuck this, fuck her, and most importantly - go fuck yourself. I’ll have my stuff gone by the time you get back from the race.” you seethe, storming off in the direction of the apartment. Turning your back on everything you’ve known for the last three years, everything you’ve loved, and everything you thought was your future.  

“Okay fine, you can stay with me. But I’m not sharing my bed, you kick in your sleep.” He mutters as he steps aside, letting you into his hotel room. “I’m sorry, I know it’s late. But the pipe burst in my room and they didn’t have another spare room.” you respond as you make your way over to the couch, tossing yourself on it. “Something about a bunch of Formula 1 drivers and crew renting out the place.” you joke looking over at him still standing by the door, half asleep. “You’re so funny,” the light flicks off in the room leaving you both in darkness. You hear him climb back into his bed with a sigh.  “I’m so glad you’re my best friend cariño, I don’t know what I’d do without your comic relief.” he deadpans and then the room falls into silence. You listen to his breathing for a while, staring at the clock ticking away as you fail to fall back asleep. After a few more hours of tossing and turning you give up and lay on your back, staring at the ceiling in frustration.

“Are you done being a fish?” you hear quietly from the bed, startling you out of your thoughts. “Why are you awake?” you ask, sitting up to stare at him. He looks so warm and cozy wrapped up in the blankets, his hair strewn in every direction. “I could ask you the same.” he retorts, stretching and then rolling onto his stomach. “I can’t sleep, I don’t know why. Sorry for waking you, go back to sleep.” you whisper back to him, realizing he hadn’t even opened his eyes. You roll onto your side so you can feign sleep. You would feel horrible if he was tired before all of his events this weekend, he’d invited you because you needed to get away from home for a bit. His sign echoes throughout the quiet room as you hear him shift again, “Get over here.” You scrunch your face in confusion. “I’ll keep you up. You have a big weekend, Carlos. I can’t do that.” Your voice slightly louder this time as you sit up and look at him again. 

“I’m not asking, I’m telling.” His sleepy response comes a minute later as his arm pulls back the covers and he pats the bed. “Get over here and sleep please.” he adds after a moment. A quick glance at the clock tells you it’s just past three in the morning, so you decide not to keep him awake much longer as you tiptoe over to the bed. You climb in and pull the covers over you, keeping to your side of the bed carefully so as not to disturb him. “Goodnight, Carlos.” you voice quiet as you close your eyes hoping sleep takes you quickly. You listen to his breathing level out again, but alas sleep still doesn’t come for you. You watch the clock again, this time from the cloud of a hotel bed. After another thirty minutes passes you try to turn on your side without waking him, but not shocking to anyone, you fail. 

“Princesa, por favor.” he mutters, arm wrapping around your middle to pull you back against him. Once he had you positioned how he wanted you, he was back asleep before you could even protest. Complaints you had died out quickly though once the sleepy warmth of his body wrapped around yours and lulled you to sleep quickly. The morning came too quickly but as you blinked awake to the sun across your skin. Your face was pressed into his neck with your leg thrown over his, his arms still wrapped tightly around you. “Oh, my blanket is awake now?” his voice rumbles against your cheek as you shake your head, cuddling into his side a bit more. “No, not awake.” you argue, closing your eyes again. “Warm and cozy right now, can’t leave the bed. Sorry you can’t race this weekend, such a tragedy.” your voice joking lightly, though still covered in sleep. “Imagine that headline?” he laughs, “Carlos Sainz  misses F1 Race due to cuddly best friend, please give them their privacy in this difficult time.” 

Your laugh comes out as a bit of a snort as you pull away from him, rolling onto your back with a stretch. “You’re such a shit.” You close your eyes again, basking in the sun coming through the curtains. “Sorry I kept you awake though. Next time I’ll go bunk with someone else.” You hum, turning your head to look at him. “Don’t.” he bites out quickly before correcting himself, “I mean it’s fine, don’t worry. That’s the best I’ve slept in a long time honestly. You didn’t wiggle around like you used to - and you being my blanket was actually kind of nice.” he explains with a shrug, standing up to stretch. “Maybe I’ll have them cancel finding you a new room for the week.” You raise your eyebrows at him watching him walk through the room. “Yeah, maybe.” you quietly repeat, “don’t know if you can put up with me that long.”

It was one of those days. The days where you couldn’t get out of your head and the negative thoughts raced while you scrambled to try to stop them.

Today you found yourself in front of the mirror in your bedroom, staring at your body intensely. You were in the middle of getting dressed when your brain decided it was time to attack. A sigh left your lips as you traced your eyes down your chest to where your bra was digging into your skin, hand coming up to tug at it. Trailing your hand to your stomach you rubbed your hands over it, tears coming to your eyes. You had no reason to feel horrible about your body, especially when you had a husband like Sebastian. He was always boosting your confidence, especially considering he acted like you were the best thing he’d seen in his life. 

Turning in the mirror you grabbed at your hips, or as Sebastian lovingly called them your love handles, “Gives me a little extra grip, baby.” you mock his accent as you close your eyes, trying to mentally reset. Getting used to your ever changing body has been extremely difficult for you, even though you were eternally grateful that you were growing your child. You let go of your love handles and turned back to the mirror and when you opened your eyes you met another pair. “What are you doing?” he asked quietly as he stepped further into the room until he was behind you, chin resting on your shoulder while his arms came to wrap around you, hands caressing your belly. “Just getting dressed.” you tried to lie, closing your eyes again as you leaned back into him. You felt him hum against your back, clicking his tongue. “I don’t think that’s the truth? I don’t see any clothing and you’re standing here half naked.” he pondered, turning his head to kiss your cheek. 

“Schatz, I told you to tell me when you were having one of these days.” His voice was muffled from where he was pressing his lips down your neck and onto your shoulder. “I know Seb,” came out as a sigh as you opened your eyes, watching him in the mirror. “Bad brain day, I’ll be fine.” you muttered as you moved to step out of his arms. His arms quickly tightened around you as he continued his soft kisses with a smile on his lips. “I’m trying to decide my favorite part of you.” he spoke as if he didn’t hear a word you said. “I can’t decide,” his voice soft as he left one hand trail up to your collarbones and then slowly back down. “You know how much I love your breasts.” he said with a grin, eyes catching yours in the mirror. “Would live between them if I could, more now than ever. Look at them.” he added with a laugh, hands coming up to cup them gently before sliding down to your stomach, gently smoothing his hands over the swell of your stomach. “You look so beautiful normally, but now?” he breathed against your neck, pressing a kiss. “Look at you carrying our baby. You’re so strong, so resilient and you are so incredibly sexy.” You couldn’t help but laugh at the tone in his voice as you leaned your head back onto his shoulder, enjoying the feeling of his warm hands on your skin. 

“I thought you were irresistible before but if I’d have known how bad I would get when you got pregnant?” he stressed, more to himself than to you at this point. “I’d have knocked you up on our wedding night.” You turned your head to press a kiss to his neck, a soft laugh leaving your throat. “You really think we would’ve been ready six years ago?” you questioned quietly, “I don’t, even if you think I’m that attractive pregnant.” His hands slid down slowly to your hips, squeezing them softly. “Now these,” he continued, ignoring you again with a smirk you could hear in his voice. “Seb-” you tried to cut off, knowing what he was going to say. “These are so nice, so helpful.” he grinned into your shoulder as he spoke over your protests, “they give me some extra grip and extra leverage when I actually have time to thoroughly enjoy you.” his voice was dripping honey at this point, so low in your ear. Your hand came down to slap his gently, body shaking with a gentle laugh. “You’re absolutely ridiculous and insatiable.” 

He gently turned you around, his hands settling back on your hips as yours came up to his shoulders. “I love you, I love your body.” he started, pressing kisses to your lips between each statement. “I love that you’re growing our child. I love every single thing about you.” His words cause you to smile against his lips. “I love you too, Seb.” you breathe out, giving him another kiss before stepping back to get dressed. “Are you done ogling me now so I can get dressed? Or should I wait?” you joked, walking into your closet to grab some clothes. You hear him laugh from behind you as you pull on your sweats and one of his t-shirts. “You are a sight to be cherished and enjoyed.” he says with a smile as he watches you dress. 

“What’s that one song?” you hear him ask as he waves his hand through the air as if that would help him think. Before you can ask more questions you see a grin form on his lips again, “Now if we’re talking body,” he sings gently as his hands come up in a grabbing motion toward you, wiggling his eyebrows. “You’ve got a perfect one, so put it on me.” he sings louder before you slap a hand gently over his mouth. “You’re absolutely ridiculous.” you grin at him as you realize your foul mood is gone. “You’re ridiculous, I love you and I appreciate you.” 

Sebastian had this thing about him. The minute someone with a child walked into the room he would gravitate toward them, more often than not you would look away for a moment and when you looked back, your husband had a child in his arms. Seeing him holding his friend's newborn baby definitely tugged on your heart strings. It sent images of him cradling your own children to his chest, or a small blonde curly haired toddler running through the house with him chasing. The thoughts made your chest hurt, your heart aching as you watched him across the room. 

“You know you could have one, right?” you hear from next to you, snapping you out of your daydream to look at the offending voice. “Nothing is stopping you. You are healthy, you are both young, he’s got plenty of money.” he finished, nudging you with his elbow as you leaned into his side. “I know, Kimi.” you signed, pulling your gaze back to Seb who now held the small child against his chest, the baby fast asleep as he sat down on the couch. “I’m not ready though.” you mumbled, turning back to look at Kimi with sad eyes. “He wants one so bad, but he’s gone so much and I want to be able to enjoy the time as a family with a newborn, you know?” you asked. 

Kimi made his way around the island in the kitchen to sit across from you - his eyes burning into yours as he stared. You knew there was no way of getting out of this conversation now. “You’re ready, you’re just scared.” he stated as if it was obvious, a smirk on his face. “It’s normal to be scared.” he added as he reached across the counter to pat your hand. “He will still be there, you will still be a family. You can travel.” he continued, resting his chin on his hand as he watched you think. You pondered for a moment before smiling for a moment, “I could, I’m sure the whole paddock would love to see a baby Vettel.” you joked, rubbing your hands over your face, feeling overwhelmed. “Just do what feels right.” Kimi said quietly to you as you heard footsteps approaching, by the time you took your hands from your face he was off into the house somewhere. 

Hours later when everyone had gone, you were curled up on the couch with Seb while he watched some show that you knew nothing about. The peace you felt wrapped up in his arms as his hand gently trailed up and down your back was nothing you’d felt before in your life. “Hey Seb?” you asked softly, keeping your eyes ahead on the TV to keep yourself on track. You felt, more than heard the responding “Hmm?” he gave you, still trained on whatever was now happening in his show. “Do you think we’re ready for kids?” you asked, your voice just barely above a whisper. You weren’t sure why you were so nervous, on your first date with Seb he had mentioned kids so you knew he wouldn’t be against it. When he didn’t respond, you shifted and rested your chin on your hands that were now on top of his chest. “Seb?” you probed, staring at his turned face. 

After a few moments he realized you were waiting for something, “Sorry liebling, what did you say?” he asked as he turned his head to look at you, a soft smile coming to his face. “Do you think we’re ready for kids?” you repeated, watching his face for any reactions. You felt him freeze slightly beneath you, his hand coming to a stop where it had previously been tracing your back. Feeling your nerves start to bundle in your stomach, you move to sit up but are stopped by his hands pulling you back down. “Stay here.” you hear him mumble, pulling your head back to his chest with his hand cradling you. “You can’t just ask that and then try to escape.” he joked, his chest rumbling with his laugh. Letting out a sigh as you settle again, you know this is about to turn into a speech. “Seb-” you start before he cuts you off, patting the back of your head. “Schatz, you know I’ve wanted kids for a very long time.” He grinned, you didn’t need to be looking at him to know, you could hear it in his voice. “I thought I’d scared you off when I mentioned kids on the first date, but you stayed.” His soft laugh sends warmth through your body as you press a kiss to his chest, “But look where we are now? Five years married, happy, healthy.” His hand strokes over your hair gently, “Of course I think we’re ready. But I want you to be sure, I want you to feel comfortable.. and not just because you saw me holding a baby today.” 

You scoffed, gently slapping your hand on his chest as you shifted yourself up to look at him again. “It’s not my fault you look so good.” you muttered as you rolled your eyes at his cheeky smirk. “I do think I’m ready though. I’m nervous and scared.” you explained, “but I talked to Kimi earlier and I think it helped.” you added, laughing at the number of facial expressions he went through in a split second. Just as quickly, you were flipped around on the couch, him hovering over you with a very excited smile plastered on his face. “You’re ready?” he asked, nearly vibrating out of his skin as he leaned down to press kisses all over your face. The giggles that left your mouth helped break up the nervousness that was creeping in. You let your hands wrap around the back of his neck, a soft smile coming to your face. “I’m ready - I know you’ll be there with me, and who doesn’t want a mini Vettel running around the paddock?” you quipped, a smirk on your face as he dove down to kiss you. “I love you so much.” he said against your lips, repeating it in between each kiss. Before you could even respond he had you up off the couch, over his shoulder as he raced to your bedroom. “Seb stop it!” you laughed, wrapping your arms around him so you wouldn’t fall. “Baby, no time to waste!”

Once you had made the decision that it was time to start trying for a baby, it was like Sebastian was glued to you whenever he could be. Any spare moment he could find - he had you either bent over the nearest surface or in his lap in the car. You honestly were enjoying all the extra attention, the only complaint you had was the fact that it was taking so long to get pregnant. 

The sound of his driver room door shutting stirred you from your thoughts, looking up from the book you had been reading while curled up on the couch.  “You’re back early?” You set the book off to the side as you watch him hurriedly pull off his race suit. “Of course baby, extra time with you.” he winked, moving to pull off his fireproofs. You smile as you watch him, admiring the view. “Seb..” you sighed as you put your feet back on the floor, smoothing the bottom of your dress back down. He froze for a moment with his hands on the band of his briefs, “What’s wrong?” he asked, one hand reaching out to cup your face. “We’ve got a little time before I have to be ready for interviews,” he leaned down to press a kiss to your lips. “and I plan on putting a baby in you.”  You smiled sadly against his lips, hand coming up to gently smack at his arm.  “I’m just worried as to why it’s not working. We’re doing all this,” you gesture around you, “I’m traveling with you just so you can try to get me pregnant. It’s been six months and I’m still not pregnant.” your voice slightly exasperated. 

Sebastian’s face goes through a few emotions before he settles on a soft smile, his hand caressing the side of your face. “Schatz, don’t get discouraged.” he murmured as he kneeled in between your legs so you were at eye level with each other. You bring your arms up to rest on his shoulders as your hands run through the slightly damp hair at the back of his neck. “It just means I need to try harder, yeah?” the tone in his voice joking as he was trying to make you smile, he leaned in for another kiss that you turned your head for so it landed on your cheek. “Seb, I’m being serious. What if something is wrong?” you asked quietly, your glossy eyes finally meeting his. 

“Liebling, there is nothing wrong with either of us. We’ve both been stressed and trying very hard to make this happen.” His voice was gentle but serious as his hands came to rest on your thighs, causing you to look at him again. “How about if we still get negatives after three more months, we will go to a doctor?” His eyebrows furrowed in concern for you. You thought about it for a moment before wiping your tears away with one hand, the other still resting on Sebastian’s neck. “Yeah that sounds good, baby.” you agreed, even though internally you were screaming. He wanted this so bad and was so excited when you finally told him you were ready. But now you couldn’t even fulfill your promise. “I love you, thank you for supporting me.” you murmur, pursing your lips for a kiss. “I’ll always support you, my love.” he promised as he leaned in for a kiss, his hand moving to the side of your neck as he pulled you in. 

“How much time do you have?” you ask against his lips, leaning back into the couch as you pull him with you. The smirk on his face sent shivers down your spine as you settled into the cushions with him crawling over the top of you, a position you found yourself in more often recently. “I think we have plenty of time for me to put a baby in you, if that’s what you’re asking.” His hands were already moving down to bunch your dress up around your waist. “Good, because seeing you sweaty in fireproofs always does something to me.” you admit, running your hands down his back as he leans down to place kisses from your lips down to your neck. You feel his breath puff against your neck when he laughs, his teeth gently nipping at your skin. “So that’s what does it for you, huh?” he asks jokingly, “Just need to get me sweaty in fireproofs?” The rest of his sentence is cut off by a knock at his door, a voice coming through. “Sebastian, we need you in five!” he lets out a groan, forehead dropping to your shoulder. “Yeah! Got it!” he shouts back. “We’re not done here, I’ll finish this later.” he promises against your lips as he gives you a swift kiss, pulling your dress back into place before he got dressed and was out the door. 

He did in fact keep his promise. It couldn’t have been more than an hour or two later that he’d had you bent over the arm of the couch, his mouth spewing out all sorts of dirty things. When you finally caught your breath afterward you caught a case of the giggles, cleaning yourself up and straightening your clothes. 

“What’s so funny?” You turn to look at him, his eyes are closed and he’s sitting with his head leaning over the back of the couch. Smirking, you climb into his lap gently, laying yourself onto his chest with your head resting on his shoulder. “Just thinking about how wild this all is. We weren’t even like this when we got married, or even started dating.” His arms come up to wrap around you, “Now look at us, going at it like rabbits whenever we have a spare moment.” you giggled into his neck, closing your eyes. You’re not sure how long you both laid there enjoying the time together before a knock interrupted you again, “Seb, we’ve got our team meeting.” the voice called through the door, a sigh leaving your lips. “On my way.” he called back, one hand rubbing your back. “Why don’t you head back to the hotel and I’ll meet you there? Order some room service or something, I’m not sure how long I’ll be.” You kissed him before climbing off his lap, fixing your clothes and hair before offering a hand to help him up. “I love you.” You smiled, “I love you too baby.” 

After a few hours back at the hotel, you’d already ordered room service and taken a hot bath. You couldn’t stop yourself from scrolling through hundreds of articles on how to increase your chances of getting pregnant. “This is so stupid.” you mutter, tossing your phone onto the nightstand to grab your book. You curled up against the pillows clad in one of Sebastian’s t-shirts, intent on finally getting through the end of the book.  The next thing you knew you were blinking awake to soft kisses on your neck, the lights were off and your book long forgotten.  His warm body tight up against your back as you relaxed back into him, your hand reaching down to lace with his that rested on your stomach.

“When did you get back?” you asked, eyes still closed as you will yourself to go back to sleep. “Not long ago, I was surprised you didn’t wake up when I showered or anything.” he mumbled into your skin, you feel his lips gently brushing against you. He gently pulls you on your back as he moves to hover over you, the light from outside the window gently illuminating one side of his face. “Are you feeling okay?” he questions, one hand coming up to caress the side of your face. You shift underneath him to get comfortable in the new position, “Honestly a little sore.” you say with a laugh, pulling him down for a kiss. “Kinda like after our week-long honeymoon where I couldn’t walk properly for a few days.” He laughs against your lips, his hand moving down to trace the outside of your thigh from where you wrapped your leg around his hip. “I haven’t really given you a break in a while, huh?” You shook your head, closing your eyes again. “If you make it quick and I don’t have to do anything, I think I can manage.” you joke, pulling him down to lay on top of you. “You’re a minx, you know that right?” He was already pulling your t-shirt up and off, “Roll on your side baby, I’ll do the work.” 

The next morning you woke up with him still plastered to your back, arm wrapped tightly around you with his hand resting on your neck. You slipped out of the bed without waking him and you made your way to the shower. Halfway through your shower you feel cold air at your back, and then two arms wrapping around you. “I woke up and you were gone.” His voice muffled into your skin, you turn in his arms letting the water wash over him. “I wanted to let you sleep, you still had some time left.” you say as you cuddle into his arms, enjoying the warmth of the water running over your skin. “You’ve gotta get out of that pretty little head, baby.” He mumbles into the top of your head, pressing a kiss before he speaks again. “Stressing about it isn’t going to help anything, it’ll happen when it happens.” 

As he normally is, he was correct.

After two more months of what Sebastian started calling “putting in the fastest lap” much to your protests, it finally happened. You had been under the weather for a few days so you stayed home from his most recent trip, curled up on the couch. You were avoiding taking a test so you wouldn’t have to see a negative again and you were sure what you had was a cold, but the girls kept blowing up your phone telling you to do it. Your hands were shaking as you paced the bathroom waiting for the timer to go off, you didn’t even bother telling Sebastian that you were taking the test. He was trying to focus on the race happening in a few hours, the last thing you needed was to distract him with another negative test. 

The sound of the timer on your phone made you jump, clutching your hand over your chest as you took in a deep breath. “It’s going to be negative, I don’t know why you’re acting like this.” you mutter to yourself, shaking hands reaching out to uncover the test. When you saw the two pink lines you forgot how to breathe, it was like your whole body shut down.  You slowly picked up the test as you sank down to the bathroom floor while forcing yourself to take some deep breaths in. “Holy shit.” you breathed out as tears welled up in your eyes. You sat in the silence taking in the moment before your brain kicked back in, realizing that you were in fact finally pregnant. After you were sure you weren’t going to pass out you grabbed your phone and the test, bringing it all back out to the couch so you could curl back up to watch the race.

Watching Sebastian on the podium was something you loved to see, his wide smile and happiness radiating from him. It also helped to see him drenched in champagne, but that was something you would keep to yourself - or at least the girls group chat. 

You must’ve fallen asleep during all the post-race interviews because when you opened your eyes it was light outside and your phone was buzzing on the table. Pulling it off the table and to your ear, “Hello?” His signature laugh floats through the phone, “There’s my sleeping beauty, how are you feeling?” he asks softly, you can hear the sound of the highway in the background. “You coming second made me feel so much better.” you smirked, closing your eyes. “But really, I’m okay. Still have a headache and I’m feeling nauseous.” you hum, mentally checking yourself over to see if anything has changed. “I’m sorry to hear that schatz, I’ll be home in about an hour and I’ll make you some soup.” you freeze in your spot, breath catching. “What do you mean you’ll be home in an hour? I thought you weren’t coming home until Tuesday?” you ramble, sitting up on the couch in a panic. You needed to shower, clean, change and get some sort of surprise ready for him. “I thought I’d surprise you, I got a red eye after the race.” you hear him chuckle as you scramble off the couch, rushing to the bathroom. “I mean if you don’t want me there I can find somewhere to go.” he joked as you hurriedly turned the shower and stripped off your clothes. “No, please, I want you here. But I have to go!” you nearly shouted into the phone before hanging up and tossing it onto the counter. 

Exactly fifty-five minutes later you hear the front door open and the sound of him kicking his shoes off, you’re in the middle of grabbing the test off the coffee table causing you to quickly hide it behind your back. His eyes narrow as he stares at you from across the room, “Very suspicious.” You shake your head at his words, a smile on your face. “I don’t know what you mean?” you lie as you step towards him, pursing your lips for a kiss. “Welcome home baby, we’re so proud of you.” You watch his eyes narrow further before his whole face softens into a smile, “We?” he asks, reaching out for you. “What do you mean we, liebling?” he rapid fires at you, hands coming to your face as he searches your eyes for an answer. You pull the test out from behind your back to show to him, “I took it before your race.” you explain as he reaches for it, holding it in his hands with an amazed look before he pulls you into his arms. “Baby you should’ve called me.” he beamed, you were actually worried he might hurt himself with how wide he was smiling. “I didn’t want to distract you from the race. I was honestly sure it was going to be negative.” 

You weren’t sure how long the two of you stood in the hallway wrapped around each other, but after what felt like hours you heard him speak again. “We’re going to be parents. We’re going to have a baby.” You laugh against his neck, pulling back to look at him.  “We’re going to be parents. We’re going to have a baby.” you repeat to him, giving him a soft kiss. 

After he’d settled into being home again, you were in the kitchen making lunch when you heard him call out for you again. “Yeah Seb?” you called back, walking back into the living area with his plate of food. “Does this mean you can start calling me daddy now?” his signature smirk is back on his face as he winks in your direction.