#cryptid behavior

"Yeah, I bet Lettie would be fine with me handing her this moldy 'pizza' food thing right here that is distinctly not cube-shaped. Hm. Yes. This seems reasonable."

And given that the Hex never really made it clear what 'supplies' or prized objects for them are, unlike the Holdfasts on the Zariman (voidplumes), Drifter defaults to just assuming they want stuff that can be found just lying around mission areas, because that's usually how you find syndicate medallions and moldy pizza boxes are basically the same, right?

And given that the romance is locked behind syndicate rank, it gets so much more deranged--I imagine the Drifter is running around Hollvania during missions frantically looking for vaguely shiny or edible objects, tears running down their face as they sob into a teddy bear and hoping that maybe Aoi/Arthur will finally like them enough to date them after they drag back a comically oversized, rough-spun bag full of rotting food, misbegotten camera film, and abandoned On-Lyne CDs that they called in their personal ship to help them find and conscripted Umbra to help get all it into the mall

and when Lettie finally has enough and asks the Drifter to please, please stop giving her whatever they have in their bottomless pockets for the rest of the day they go back to the backroom and make. like. a little pile. a nest out of the lonely little things and then they quietly whisper to the structure about how proud and happy they're going to make the rest of the Hex when Lettie scrapes together enough sanity to take more items off of Drifter's hands.

This was unhinged. I deeply apologize but I need you people to see the vision

If you ever wondered how Superman shaves, here's how.

Published every Wednesday, unless cursed.

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MYSTERY IN THE GLEN

Filed under: Glimmering Weirdness, Unauthorized Occurrences, Soggy Clues

The eastern glen awoke Monday morning to find a large ring of mushrooms circling a perfectly dry patch of grass—roughly the size and shape of a tea kettle left behind in a hurry. The grass within was pressed flat and crying softly, though no sound was captured when recorded.

Residents have begun theorizing. Some of the less helpful ones are as follows:

• “This is a classic glen-glitch. A forest hiccup. Just don’t sneeze in there.”

• “It’s a kettle curse. Someone boiled truth in it. You’re not supposed to boil truth.”

• “I think it was me. I don’t remember doing it, but it seems like something I would’ve done.”

A single slipper was found at the scene. Left foot. Unscorched, slightly damp, and embroidered with a beetle motif.

It has been placed in the Lost & Possibly Dangerous bin behind the bakery. Approach with moderate wariness.

The Bureau of Mildly Concerning Phenomena will be investigating. Their next meeting is scheduled for last week, so updates may be delayed indefinitely.

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COMMUNITY NOTICES & MISCELLANEOUS INCIDENTS:

PIZZA THEFT GOBLIN LOCATED

Filed under: Crimes of Grease, Library Tragedies, Culinary Disrespect

The individual behind the now-infamous Goblin Pizza Heist was discovered asleep under the poetry section of the Mage Library—this time—surrounded by shredded pages and a frankly staggering amount of marinara.

This marks the goblin’s second known infiltration of a library, now escalating from overdue books to complete textual obliteration.

Investigations are underway at all known local libraries to assess potential damages.

We are unable to confirm at this time how many pages were devoured, emotionally or otherwise.

The goblin in question has been remanded to Dramatic Apology Duty. Community service hours to be completed via sonnet.

EGG WATCH 2025: STILL HAPPENING

Filed under: Prophecy in Progress, Shouting Contests, Radiant Ovipresence

Peep remains stationed on Blorbo.

Volume of shouting has increased.

Someone left them a tea cozy. Peep cried, then threatened a curse of eternal lukewarm baths.

The egg is now glowing in shifts. We’re not sure what that means.

CURSED WELL WATER

Filed under: Beverage-Based Hexes, Unexpected Poetry, Riddle Side Effects

Residents of the southern path have reported unusual effects after drinking from the Old Well:

• Sudden poetic speech

• Hair shimmer

• Compulsion to answer riddles that haven’t been asked

Madame Sporaline believes this is due to an “emotionally turbulent spirit with unresolved hydration issues.” The well is now marked with a sign that reads:

“Drink if you dare, rhyme if you must.”

GARDEN ANOMALY

Filed under: Unsettling Horticulture, Parsley Phenomena, Soup-Scented Memories

The communal parsley patch has begun growing in tufts shaped like small, anxious animals.

Under moonlight, it glows faintly and smells unmistakably of forgotten childhood dreams and soup.

No one remembers planting parsley.

We are watching it.

It is watching us.

We are telling ourselves this is fine.

UNLICENSED MUSHROOM THERAPIST SUSPECTED IN SHADE PATCH

Filed under: Root Psychology, Spore Lore, Growing Concerns

Multiple seedlings and early sprouts have been caught murmuring about “Dr. Spoor,” a mysterious fungal figure believed to be offering underground therapy in the eastern moss quadrant.

Unofficial records note the following advice allegedly dispensed:

• “Your pot size does not define your worth.”

• “It’s okay to wilt sometimes.”

• “Root trauma is generational.”

Authorities remain unsure whether Dr. Spoor is a force for good or simply a moldy hallucination. Either way, the seedlings appear calmer, and one tomato reported a “breakthrough cry.”

Proceed with gentle skepticism—and bring tissues, just in case.

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Editor’s Note:

There’s something in the glen.

The well is whispering.

The pizza goblin was greasy in ways we are still trying to understand.

We’re watching the signs.

But the signs are watching back.

Due to time distortions, emotional gremlins, and an unexpected nap, this issue is posting a bit late. Please pretend it’s still Wednesday. Time is an illusion anyway. Thank you for your cooperation.

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