#cryptickatie

Jake was still shaken even though he'd had a week to process the news. Not much got Jake Martin anxious, a characteristically aloof nature rooted into him so deep that even in the most tense of situations, he could ordinarily keep himself grounded. It was a trait he prided himself on, but it wasn't foolproof. The news about Margaret Matlin's passing was in every nook and cranny of the local area it seemed, the inhabitants of the community rattled by the loss. Years had passed since he'd last had direct contact with the woman, only speaking to her while he was dating her daughter Katie, but it left Jake feeling unsettled nonetheless. It didn't matter how much time had elapsed since his relationship with Katie, the years in between all but blurring together in comparison to how vivid those days were to him now. Perhaps it was just his memory viewing it all through rose colored glasses, embellishing pieces and tricking him into believing that the time spent with her was better than it had actually been. Be it trickery with his nostalgia or the actual truth, Jake wasn't about to dig too deep into it, content with his version of the past no matter how unintentionally edited it might have been. It was easier to revel in the days they were happy together rather than dwell on the way it all ended, a sour taste still left in his mouth from the experience. While he wouldn't go so far as to say his life felt hallow or something as melodramatic as that, he could admit if only to himself that his days were sincerely lacking since Katie's departure from Toronto. It was clear that she was on to bigger and better things, word of her blossoming soccer career making it into the rumor mill around the city. Jake couldn't help the rush of pride he felt at knowing she was truly following her dreams, not letting any of her past downfalls impede her progress. He'd kept brief tabs on her over the years, watching her games when he caught them on TV, or occasionally checking in with Maya on FaceRange to make sure all was well. To his knowledge, the younger Matlin had kept her word in never telling Katie he inquired about her, something Jake was grateful for. If she was living a good life, he didn't want to somehow ruin whatever contentment she'd found over time. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd worn a suit, though he knew it was probably at another social event with a less than joyous purpose. It didn't take long for Jake to arrive at the wake, a knot forming in his stomach at the cars already parked around the area. He knew Katie must have come back after the news was broken to her, and while a part of him was dying to see her if only briefly, Jake wondered if he'd be granted the chance. The timing was bad, and the last thing he wanted to do was trigger her in any way. Stepping inside, he inwardly decided to try and remain scarce if at all possible, only seeing Katie if she truly felt inclined to speak to him. He couldn't spot her or her sister upon entering, but if the twisting sensation taking place in his gut was any indication, it was only a matter of time before they crossed paths once more. Katie sat to the left of her father on a couch just a few feet away from her mother’s open casket. Maya was on their father’s right, each girl clasping one of their father’s hands in their won. The room smelled of artificial flower spray, probably to cover up the stench of death that had long ago seeped into every wall and crevice of the funeral home. She sat straight, her gaze forward and her expression as stoic as it had ever been, her focus on nothing in particular. Everything sounded like background white noise, Maya’s crying only discernible from the rest when she pulled herself out enough to pay attention to it. The look in her dad’s eyes seemed like it was permanently fixated on memories past spent with her mother. The moment when she got the news crept back into the forefront of her mind for what was probably the twelfth time that day. Just under three days ago she had been in sunny San Diego, running down a field during an open practice that club fans were able to come see. She was finally getting her shot with a national team and she couldn’t have been happier, a new career high for her awaited. Her phone kept ringing on the bench and only after completing a run did she go over and answer. “Katie, you have to come home. It’s mom, she’s-,” Maya had said but Katie had tuned her out after the word “mom.” She’d left the practice without a word and had driven herself in a state of shock surprisingly safely back to her hotel for the week before she went back to Seattle an waited for the team’s decision. As Katie threw her few things in a carry-on she called the team manager and explained her absence before offering up an apology. The next few hours after that were a blur, she couldn’t recall calling for a cab, checking out of the hotel, getting to the airport, and buying a ticket for next flight out to Toronto. The flight was also a haze in her mind, she couldn’t remember if she ever closed her eyes to sleep or not. She was back in her old home around three in the morning, startling her sleep-deprived father and sobbing sister. She felt a twist of guilt in her gut because she had yet to shed a tear in the hours since she’d heard. The next day was spent taking charge of everything, putting together a wake and funeral, ordering a headstone and making sure Maya and her dad were eating. She was running on automatic, making herself too busy to shed the tears collecting in her. People had stopped by their home all day and Katie had to be the one to thank them for their condolences and offer up service information. And now again, she was the one responding to people at the wake, thank them time and again for their kind words. The wake was almost over and the funeral and burial would be the following day. She let her father’s hand go and squeezed Maya’s shoulder as she walked away from them. Her lips were firm as she forced herself to accept hugs from distant relatives and family friends. She was moving between people, thinking about heading toward the exit because she couldn’t stand to be in the room anymore when she bumped into someone in her unfocused state of mind. “Sor-,” she began to say before she looked up and was met with someone she hadn’t seen in years, “-what are you doing here?” She asked Jake, her mouth running without her brain to back it up. Katie shook her head, “Sorry, hi.” She said, unaware of how to greet him.

Jake had trouble allowing himself to become engulfed in the understandably dismal setting, both because it was a troubling thing to swallow and because he wasn't sure he belonged there. In some ways, he might have been overstepping but he knew for sure that people from the community had come by for the very same reason he had. For his years of knowing Katie, he'd spent a fair amount of time at her house for dinners, weekends and just to hang out. The circumstances might have changed drastically since then but for someone who dwelled as much as Jake had been over the past however many years, it still mattered as much as it did then now. Before dating her, he'd been aware of Katie's somewhat questionable past, an explosive breakup with a stint involving drug abuse added to her already colorful personality, but he'd never thought less of her for it. She was the type of person who was brave enough to face any challenge, even when she wondered if she truly had any fight left in her. It led Jake to wonder how she was holding up currently, if the shock of it all was wearing her down or if she had been able to keep it together for her family's sake. Thinking of the latter made his stomach turn, knowing all too well how she could take up the role of caretaker and emotionally stable family member if it was necessary. For all he knew, she could have changed drastically over the years and his musings might not have been even the least bit valid, but it didn't stop Jake from fretting over how she was handling it. Settling himself into the grouping of people in the room, he could see the casket from where he stood, the wind knocked out of him at the sight. This wasn't ever what he wanted for Katie or the Matlins as a whole, unable to imagine the kind of turmoil they were enduring. Just as he was beginning to wonder if perhaps he had made a huge mistake in arriving there, he felt someone bump into his side, Jake turning quickly to apologize for being in their way. Before he could even get out the first word, he found himself face to face with her, a surge of anxiety filling him for the first time in what felt like an eternity. Nothing shook up his normally relaxed disposition quite like Katie could at times, and that tendency hadn't let up with distance. Her abrupt question hit him like a blow to the chest, but he made sure to recover from it quickly as he cleared his throat. As she revised her words, Jake shifted on his feet uncomfortably, the realization that he'd overstepped only dawning on him more. "I- well I heard what happened and I just," he paused, taking a moment to try and read her demeanor. It was hard to gauge just what she was feeling in the moment but Jake could tell she was sleep deprived, prominent dark circles under her eyes giving her away. "I'm sorry if I shouldn't have come here. I just remember your mom being one of the nicest women in the world. I couldn't not pay my respects. I think she was extraordinary." he explained, hoping she would understand that he was being perfectly sincere. Within the beat of silence that settled between them, Jake offered her a small smile, the best he could muster up considering the situation. "I'm not going to ask if you're alright since that question might as well be rhetorical, but I'm really sorry, Katie." A frown curled his mouth downward, the other people filling the room hardly mattering to him anymore. Just as it had always been, Katie was the only one who ultimately mattered; and despite their falling out from high school, Jake wasn't able to deny that fact that he still cared.

Katie was utterly exhausted. She hadn’t stopped scurrying from place to place, getting a location and things ready for the wake and funeral, and fielding calls from family members since she had stepped foot off the plane at Toronto-Pearson less than seventy-two hours ago. But, as Katie always had, she preferred taking on all the tasks she could to distract her from what was really going on, things that kept her from dealing with reality. She could tire out with exhaustion rather than facing the alternative. She hadn’t had a moment to herself, not a moment to really cry, though she could still feel it building up, ready to snap at any moment when her mind wasn’t on something else. It was only a matter of time though. She could have been like Maya, who she hadn’t seen stop crying since she had been on the phone with her in California. But she knew that by the end of tomorrow, when the burial was over, she would be just too exhausted from everything. Too exhausted to cry, at least, for a little while longer. Katie had shed a few tears earlier, when Maya had read their mother’s favorite passage from her favorite book and when some of her aunts told stories from their youth with her mom. But she had quickly put herself back together; she needed to be there for Maya and her father, who had just barely made it through without tearing up. Katie had spoken too, getting through her short reading with her voice cracking only a handful of times. But there were still things that needed to be done, so Katie continued to check her emotions aside and would deal with them later. Katie pursed her lips, but her features softened as Jake spoke and she nodded once. “Thanks,” she said, inhaling deeply. She looked away from Jake for a moment, beginning to feel herself break from the manner in which he was talking about her mom. Katie cleared her throat before replying. “Don’t be sorry,” she replied, “and thanks for saying that about her. I’m, uh, sure that wherever she is…if there is a somewhere - that she’s really grateful that you’re here. And I am too.” She returned his smile, small and nervous. She had almost added that she had still spoken of him fondly, bringing him up every now and then when they spoke on the phone. Especially when she disapproved of the boyfriends she had after Jake, but decided against it. She appreciated that he wasn’t asking her how she felt. She had been hounded with that question all day from everyone she came across. And she felt that no answer she gave was good enough, she was feeling everything and nothing at the same time – but both were feelings that she was shoving aside, that she, as always, didn’t want to face. “I’m all right,” she told him anyway, speaking somewhat honestly. From the time she was thirteen, Katie had been aware that because of her illness, she would lose her mother earlier than any child should. She was, on some level, prepared for it.

Jake had always found that he could be a pillar for others in his life, a rock if they needed it or an expert listening ear in the event that they just needed someone to hear them out. He was the ever calm ocean in most people's lives, going about his own business without much ado, and acting as the predictable source of stability in their far more turbulent existences. He didn't understand how people could handle leading such bustling, frequently changing lives but he knew it wasn't the one for him. If he could be a source of comfort for those around him, then he was going to make it a sincere labor of love. Jake had always felt that he was such a thing for Katie especially, entering her life at a time when she was deciphering the broken pieces of her life and figuring out what to do with them. He couldn't wrap his head around her day-to-day struggle at the time, but that didn't hinder him from being a pleasant distraction in any way he could. Much the same in the present, Jake wondered if he could truly gain insight into Katie's predicament. Her mother had always been ill, though lively more often than not. To him, it always gave off the impression of glowing health despite her using a wheelchair. It made it so her passing was practically inconceivable to him-- and if he saw it that way as an outsider, he couldn't even begin to imagine how Katie would process it as her daughter. That need to be a source of comfort for her was all but bursting at the seams within Jake, given the current setting and occasion but Katie didn't work the way most did. She expressed herself in her own time, and in her own way. He knew better than to prod any specific reaction out of her like others might. Nodding his head, he followed suit in turning away briefly, if only to mirror her and create the illusion of familiarity between them. He only looked back towards her when she spoke again, the frown pulling his lips down relenting in prominence slightly with her words. Though he wanted to reply, a coherent sentence was completely lost on him, so instead he nodded and smiled in gratitude. It was the very last thing he'd been expecting her to say, but quite possibly the one he needed to hear the most. It was clear as day that her answer regarding how she was probably only encompassed a small amount of her emotions, but Jake accepted it without question, shifting on the balls of his feet briefly. He wasn't sure if this was the right time to speak to her about anything, but given the fact that they weren't apt to cross paths again after the wake, Jake was reluctant to give up the opportunity to speak to her. "So uh, I'm guessing you took off for California after graduation? Or did you end up heading elsewhere?" he asked, playing somewhat dumb despite the fact that he'd already gotten word from Maya here and there about Katie's successes over the years.

Katie was running on empty, she had been for the last day or so. It was only a matter of time before she crashed in some typical Katie fashion. She hadn’t had an appetite, never did in times of crisis, it was her automatic control mechanism when she couldn’t control anything else. But she managed to force down food under the ever-present watchful eye of her father even in his grief, because he knew his daughter and all of her worst habits. And she knew Maya would be watching too. She may not have needed constant consoling from crying like the younger Matlin, but her way of dealing with things also needed to be kept in check. But she had assured Maya that she was and would be okay, it never felt right to Katie that Maya should be the one to worry over her - it wasn’t her job too, Katie was the older sister. She knew that Maya had spent much of her teenage years looking after Katie and her many self-destructive ways: her eating disorders, her drug use, and reckless behavior. But she vowed to never put her sister in that position again, and she hadn’t. Katie had slowly and painstakingly put herself back together on her own, especially after her breakup with Jake. She had always been independent but felt like she relied on others or other things unhealthily. Rarely had she ever like her own source of comfort, but she had grown to be that person – one who felt like she didn’t need a shoulder to cry on if she didn’t have one but could want one anyway. She remembered though, during her mom’s early ups and downs in health, how Jake was the person she turned to when she was done taking care of her. She still had yet to come across another person who was as selfless and caring as he was. Just his presence now, though it threw her for an internal loop and rattled her, was a source of calming. Katie nodded, momentarily taken back to when she was seventeen and she could sense the mix of hurt and bitterness in Jake’s tone when they were in Vegas and he was asking if Stanford was more important than he was. The question was also eye opening in that it made Katie realize that the last time she had seen Jake was when they were laughing with Mo and Marisol at graduation. “Well, first I was a counselor and trainer at that soccer camp you found for me,” she replied, “I left for camp about a week after graduation, came back in early August then packed up my stuff and went to California.” It was that summer serving as a counselor that had reignited her desire to play soccer for as long as she could. The camp had served as a perfect way to get back into shape without the distractions of numerous “before we all leave for college” parties – she hadn’t had many people to say goodbye to by the end of the school year anyway. She’d burned bridges with her stunt in student council, had lost her soccer friends, and stopped speaking to Clare – too painful and too risky knowing Jake was around. Marisol had been the only one left, and even that was strained at best now. She had played soccer all through college, getting her game back and playing better than she had imagined she could. “I went to Stanford for two years, then I transferred to UCLA, their team was better,” she replied. Katie didn’t divulge any more information about her now professional career. “How about you?” She asked, wondering what he had been doing since they had last seen each other.

Jake liked to believe that he'd long since put his old bitterness to rest, any and all reoccurring negative thoughts surrounding Katie mostly silenced. Some days were harder to handle than others in between, the smallest of things serving as reminders of Katie and the chunk of his life she'd taken up. Though it had only been a year or so in actual chronology, Jake easily would have titled that portion of his life as the most memorable and important, his perspective on all things concerning love and relationships changing with Katie. His once aloof, detached stance was uprooting from its foundation with his blossoming feelings for her, something he never would have seen prior to making her acquaintance. Though grateful for her ability to open his eyes, it also left Jake feeling the sharp sting of unfulfillment in the end. It was as though she'd shown him a new, favorable way of life and before it could truly be explored, she was gone. After her, Jake began to realize that not just anyone would do, returning to his casual hookups instead of pursuing something stable with another girl. It just didn't seem worthwhile if Katie wasn't his other half, the attachment never quite setting in with other women. It might have been because he wasn't giving himself a fair chance at falling in love again, letting his mentality stay rooted into what had once been but it wasn't something he could consciously fix. For the most part, seeing Katie again was a positive experience -- at least it could be until he gave himself a chance to dwell on it later. Shooing his own heavy thoughts away, he listened with interest as she spoke, a faint smile working its way onto his face. "You really did try the camp, that's awesome, seriously." he praised, both flattered and grateful that she'd taken that opportunity to get back into soccer. He couldn't take credit for her chasing her dreams and wouldn't ever dare try to, but he was happy to know that he'd at least aided her in some way. His eyes widened as well as his smile while she continued on, nothing but pride coursing through him at her account of the past few years. "Katie- wow." he stammered softly, laughing at himself. "That's so impressive, I can't even begin to tell you. You've really made the most of your talents, I'm really glad to hear it." In truth, Jake would have been content to hear about her life and where she'd found herself for hours to come, the return of the question the only thing to break him out of his reverie. "Oh, um, not much." he answered reflexively, finding that it was the reply he gave almost everyone when posed with that question. "I went to BC like I planned for that summer, but I ended up coming back early. I'm not sure if you know but Clare was diagnosed with cancer that summer and...." he trailed off, shrugging his shoulders, not wanting to delve into the grim topic given where they were. "But she bounced back, just like I knew she would. Once everything at home calmed down, I started going full time for the company. Best decision of my life, I haven't had any regrets about it since." he smiled, full of pride over his accomplishments there. "I've got nothing on you with your whole soccer gig but I've been doing what I've always wanted to. No complaints here." he concluded, a sense of ease washing over him with their neutral conversation.

Katie had moved on from her life in Toronto. California had been the clean slate she felt she needed after her tumultuous time at Degrassi and more, she had been able to reinvent and establish herself as a mix of the two Katies she had felt she had been in high school: pre-Drew Katie and post-rehab Katie. College was a new beginning for her, though she had learned to accept and even embrace her faults and the mistakes she had made, in making herself over she hadn’t become ashamed of the things she had done, though there were things that, even in present day, she still regretted doing. She thought she had closed the chapter on high school Katie, with the exception of Marisol popping in and out of her life every now and then (but she was an anomaly anyway – they’d known each other since Kindergarten) but standing in front of her there and then was Jake, a relatively short, but very important part of high school Katie. Part of her felt like she was seventeen, nervous, sitting with him at her kitchen table, and on the verge of yet another break down in front of him. High school and everything about it had been put behind her, left behind to look back at in the future as some of the hardest and best times she had in her life, but she wanted and strived for so much more. School and sports had occupied her life again, quickly sweeping her up into a much more stable version of her former self – ambitious and focused on what she wanted. She had also become adamant about dating again early in college, given everything she had seen spiral in relationships – not just her own – during high school. But by her second year, a more confident Katie emerged and she began dating – wanting to have fun and not looking for anything serious, a version of herself that was still present now. But here in front of her was Jake, unlike any of the boys she had dated, and still the only guy she believed she had really loved. Katie smiled slightly, “Yeah, it was transformative summer. I don’t think I could ever find a way to thank you for pushing me back in that direction. I’m not sure I would have ever gone back to the game on my own.” She nodded listening to him, frowning again as he recalled his step-sister’s illness. Katie had gotten word of it at soccer camp from Marisol, through Mo from Jake, back when she was still asking about him even at camp that summer. The corners of her mouth turned upwards again when he explained what he had been up to himself now, and she couldn’t help but feel an immense amount of pride in now knowing that he was doing what he had always wanted to. Another memory emerged from the high school chapter, one of them in the media lab going over applications and Jake vehemently declaring that he wasn’t going, but rather jump into exactly what he planned to do. “Don’t say that,” she said quickly, not liking that he was lessening his accomplishments compared to hers, “I’m really happy for you, Jake. You knew exactly what you wanted to do all those years ago and you went for it.”

Jake figured that Katie had evolved over time, her college years and everything in between shaping her from who she had once been in high school, but it was hard not to view her similarly to how he once did. He was sure she didn't view it the same way, but for Jake, it was difficult to pull himself away from his nostalgia concerning the girl. Despite their falling out and the days before prom where they didn't speak, he couldn't fully bring himself to do anything even close to despising Katie. There was a prominent layer of anger, betrayal and bitterness coloring his affections for her for a time, but before the girl, Jake couldn't say he'd ever fully fallen for someone. Clare might have fit the bill, but considering their difficult family dynamics, Jake knew better than to ever believe the two could have worked in the long run. It was only when he met Katie that things truly fell into place, the way he cared for her practically erasing any other emotion he'd felt for another person. There was something distinctly different about Katie, from the way she handled her own struggles to the grace she embodied every day, never failing to make something of herself despite the obstacles stacked up against her. She might have gotten through all of those issues by now, but Jake couldn't help himself from feeling like a teenager again, falling in love for the first time with a terrified but exhilarated outlook on everything to come. Since then, he hadn't experienced anything like what he shared with Katie, both for a lack of effort and what seemed to be a physical impossibility. Perhaps Jake would have been able to fall for someone else over time, but he didn't care to taint the memories he had by overshadowing them with something new. Casual had been his go-to before Katie, and he was content to return to it. "You never need to thank me for that." he dismissed with a smile, shrugging his shoulders. "Just seeing you like this now, that's more than enough for me." As she rebutted against his modesty, he grinned bashfully, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Thanks then, really." he spoke softly, exhaling before speaking again. "Um, are you sticking around here for a while?" he asked, glancing around before his eyes fell on Katie's dad and sister. "I mean, I don't know how things are going at home, if you even feel like you need to spend more time here. I know you find keeping busy cathartic, I remember that about you." Looking down at his shoes, he then returned his gaze to Katie, unsure if it was even his place to ask how long she'd be staying in Toronto for. He knew if he didn't inquire, he'd be kicking himself for it for months--maybe even years-- to come.

Katie was not entirely surprised that Jake was still based and living in Toronto. He was a homebody that wanted a constant more than she did. A feeling like fondness passed through her, and she knew that her younger self had been right when she was fighting Marisol off about admitting her feelings for Jake. They were too different; they aspired for and wanted different things. Their relationship had crashed and burned at her fault that day at Drew and Bianca’s ceremony but she knew now that if it hadn’t happened then it would have happened somewhere down the line, when she was more attached than she already had been. He had been right too, she had run away from her problems, run to the other side of the continent and only visited for short periods of time. He still went with the flow and handled life’s twists as they came whereas she was once again driven by her ambition, always wanting to be better than her best and making problems for herself that could have been avoided. Katie was really very happy for him though, her initial anger at him not understanding why Stanford was so important to her had ebbed away just as quickly as it had sprung, and she hoped – when a memory of him appeared in her mind every now and again – that he would find everything he wanted, that she was stubbornly not willing to concede. She could be a dangerously selfish person; she had accepted that about herself. Katie smiled, turning her head away for a moment as a light blush tinted her cheeks at Jake’s comment. He still had that effect on her, it seemed like. She shrugged when the topic of conversation steered back in the direction of the issue at hand. Katie turned and looked at her father and sister as well, she knew she couldn’t leave them like this. She had her try-outs still and she knew that any opportunity like that would come around a third time, she was lucky that she had gotten a second shot. She turned back toward Jake and sighed, “I have to go back to California in a few days for maybe a week, but I’ll be back here after and I’ll be around for a while,” she replied. Katie didn’t favor the idea of being in Toronto for such an extended period of time but her family needed her and she couldn’t drag them to California with her. “You’re right, still do, it sounds awful but getting away from here for a few days and back on the field is going to be exactly what I need.”

Jake tried to fight off the notion that he truly did want Katie to stick around, though he was quickly losing that fight as he realized the idea of her not returning to the city for a time would come as a disappointment to him. Already he'd gone so long without her presence in his everyday life, something he'd grown accustomed to for no other reason other than obligation, but even the shortest of moments spent in her company made him wistful for her again. It wasn't necessarily along the romantic vein, though he would admit that it factored in somewhere. More than anything else, Jake couldn't help pining for the camaraderie and sense of inner ease he had once felt with Katie, times they'd spent in the garden together or planning projects for it filling him with the most nostalgia. They were no longer the same people anymore, both having taken different walks of life that inevitably changed them but the idealistic part of Jake chose to believe that it hardly mattered. Katie, at her core, couldn't have changed so drastically that they wouldn't still be able to connect if given the opportunity. He couldn't discern if it was wise or not, but he hoped against hope that she would have a reason to linger. Her first words filled Jake with a sudden rush of disappointment, the pit of his stomach turning to stones but it lifted swiftly as she continued, more grateful than he thought he'd be for the fact that she would be back. Deep down, he realized it wasn't even close to her choice to come back and stay close to home for a while, but it soothed some sense of longing within him that he hadn't yet come to terms with. "Okay, I gotcha." he said evenly, hoping he was masking how relieved the news made him. It wasn't just his selfishness talking in terms of seeing Katie, but also because he feared for how she might cope if she was left to her own devices. Though the past didn't dictate her future, Jake still couldn't help but get concerned over how she handled her stress and grieving. "It doesn't sound awful, honestly. You work out your feelings in your own way, you gotta do that alone. No one could blame you for that. I think it'll be good for you, clear your head." he replied, glad for her healthy methods of working out things she was experiencing emotionally. It was far better than the alternative--things Jake couldn't even stand to consider. "So um, I'm not sure if you'd even want to talk beyond this, and if you don't, that's totally fine, but if you need or want someone to talk to while you're here...my number's been the same for years." he said with a short laugh, hoping his offer wasn't coming off as off or pushy. "I'm betting you'll be plenty busy and all, but yeah. I just-" he stopped, letting out a soft sigh. "It'd just be cool to see you again, while you're around."

Katie had left Toronto seven years ago and had no intention of ever going back. She had spent her summers between college doing internships in other American cities, vacationed for breaks, and dragged her parents and Maya to California for a few more attractive, warm, snow-free Christmases as well. She could count on both hands the total number of times she had gone back to Toronto since she had boarded the plane going toward California and each visit had never been for longer than a week or two. She felt a great disconnect from this place and most of its inhabitants. Katie had considered and called California her home now for years. She felt like a stranger coming back. In some ways and to some extent, she was a completely different person from the eighteen-year-old girl that had left. “Yeah…,” she said lowly, aware that she sounded completely unhappy by the idea of being home for however long she would be. Guilt started to settle within her over it. What kind of person wanted to pull away from her family even more when this tragic loss had just occurred? She knew it was in her nature to pull away from everyone when things went wrong, that her family probably expected it, but it didn’t make her feel any less of a bad person. “Yes, it does,” Katie replied with a frown, the corners of her mouth perking upwards for a moment, “but thanks for trying to assuage my guilt.” She crossed her arms, waving at a few family members that were exiting for a few seconds, thanking them silently for coming and relieved they didn’t seem to want to speak to her again. She had had enough of her extended family and so many people for the next few years. Katie nodded, giving Jake a wry smile when he spoke again, “I wouldn’t mind that, at least I know you wouldn’t open the conversation with ‘how are you feeling?’” She tried remembering if she had Jake’s number – probably, she couldn’t recall ever having deleting it. “I won’t be busy when I’m back here, I’ll just be looking after Maya and my dad,” she replied, “I’d like to see you again too – not under these circumstances.” She turned back toward the front, where Maya was looking around, searching for her from her seat. Katie turned back toward Jake, “I should get back to my dad and Maya,” she said, thinking for a moment about her next move before just going for it. Katie stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Jake. “Thank you again, so much, for coming,” she whispered in his ear, “not even my so-called ‘best friend’ could find the time to show her face around here and she knew my mom a lot longer than you did.” She pulled back and started in the direction of what was left of her family, “I’ll give you a call when I’m back.”