#cryimmortalbird

The drive home with Tom was almost silent, but he held my hand intermittently at every opportunity he could whilst driving. Nothing needed to be said. Upon getting home, we didn’t trip through the front door giddily like we might once have done; instead we entered gently, and smiling started to slowly remove the others’ coat and scarf. Then I continued to carefully unbutton his shirt, whilst he swept my hair back from my face and lifted my jumper off over my head. The whole time I kept staring into those beautiful, gently blue eyes, which kept staring back into mine. We were both now topless and it was then that Tom leant down and pressed his lips against mine. It was unlike all our other kisses – there was something intangible about it. Things started to get out of control then; we staggered into the bedroom, barely moving our bodies away from each other the whole time before Tom swept me up onto the bed. Before I knew it he was on top of me and now we were basically ripping the others’ clothes off, our kissing ferocious and impassioned. Feeling his naked body against mine after all the distance between us made me shudder with pleasure, and I sat up then flipped him onto his back so I was on top. We both of us couldn’t help moan for the pleasure, whispering each others’ names, then before long moaning them, punctuated by gasps as we both came.

Afterwards, we lay together holding each other. Tom’s skin under my fingers was warm and smooth as I lightly traced circular patterns over his chest and arms. “I love you,” I said simply, because it was so obvious. Of course I loved him, and somewhere within myself I knew that I’d never love anyone else the same way and I didn’t want to. Tom tilted his head down to look into my eyes, unblinking and gently sincere. “I love you too,” he said plainly, as if it was obvious to him as well. “It’s because I love you so much that I want this. It won’t be easy – no one has an easy ride, and this doesn’t mean we’ll never have problems ever again. But for you, I will spend my life trying to be the best version of myself; to be the most honest, caring, understanding and hardworking partner that you deserve.”

“And I’ll do the same for you,” I said. “I’d do anything for you, and that’s the most either of us can do.”

My mouth dropped open in shock. “What? How can you even say that to me? No. No, no, no.”

“Oh come on, Laura!” he’d yelled in exasperation. “This is ridiculous! You don’t seriously mean you still believe all that crap David told you? Tom’s a wreck, for christ’s sake, and so are you.”

“I’m not a wreck, don’t patronise me!” though I felt my throat tighten as I said it. “And it’s not crap, he has proof. You’re just being childish because you don’t like David.”

“No, I don’t like him, because he’s a lying scumbag.”

“For fuck’s sake Stef, you’re meant to be my friend, I thought you were on my side!”

“I am on your side!” he insisted, “Which is why I’m trying to help you before you do something you regret. You’re not stupid so I don’t understand why you’re behaving like you are; ignoring Tom while he’s trying to fix things.”

“Oh… yeah?” I spluttered. “Well, I don’t appreciate you getting everyone to do your dirty work for you. Everyone’s been saying this; even Benedict called me the other night, treating me like a child!”

“That’s because you’re behaving like one.”

I was utterly speechless for a few moments so Stefan took the opportunity to have even more of a rant. It sounded like he’d been saving it up for months, not weeks. “Look, we’ve all been calling because we care about you; both of you. Now you say there is ‘proof’, have you seen it?”

The abruptness of it startled me for a second and I faltered. “What?”

“Have you seen David’s alleged ‘proof’?”

“No! No, I… I didn’t want to…” I trailed off.

“Well maybe it’s time you did,” he snapped before hanging up, a loud buzzing filling my ear.

And that was when the first seeds of doubt started to be planted in my mind.

Tom’s P.O.V.

I almost couldn’t speak I was so taken aback, having her so close once again after all these weeks apart. Before Laura had walked in I was still harbouring that burning anger and jealousy but now that she sat in front of me, it all just appeared to melt away. Her green eyes were still regarding me coldly but there was something softer about her this time. Seeing as how she seemed to be waiting for me to say something, I decided to jump right in and cleared my throat.

“Listen, “ I began hesitantly, wary of her gimlet eyes, “I just want to make this clear that this is not me trying to beg for you to come back. I have resigned myself to the fact that that is never going to happen, but… but I want to make things clear. I never believed you cheated.” Her eyes widened slightly at that but she still didn’t interrupt so I carried on. “Not really. I was jealous, insecure and above all extremely stupid, which are not excusable reasons. But I… I guess what I’m trying to say is that if this really is the end, I don’t want you to go away from it thinking that I truly believed that you betrayed me, because I don’t. And I’m sorry. For everything.”

She continued to regard me with the same stony expression and for a moment I thought she was going to start off on another snarling tirade. Instead, she blinked slowly and licked her lips hesitantly before saying in softly controlled voice, “Thank you.”

I was a little surprised. “You’re… welcome. I just thought you deserved a proper explanation.”

Laura nodded slowly, her eyes fixed on the table. “I want to say I’m sorry too,” she said quietly, “and I am for not telling you that David was still trying to contact me, that was wrong. That much is very obvious.” She finally forced herself to look at me. “But I can’t… I can’t…”

“You can’t believe that I didn’t cheat on you,” I finished listlessly, feeling instantly deflated.

Laura continued to look at me a second more then hastily got to her feet, almost tripping over herself as she struggled to extract herself from the maze of chairs and tables. “I’m, I’m… I’m going now…” she said with a tremor in her voice. I didn’t even have in me to protest before she’d already swung the door behind her and I sank back down once again. I didn’t know if this had been a waste of time or not.

Laura’s P.O.V

“Well maybe it’s time you did…”

Stefan’s condemning words rang in my ears as I tripped back to David’s flat in a numb stupor. I’d been so caught up in my in haze of rage, jealousy and self-pity that I hadn’t been able to bring myself to look at the pictures I’d been told about. Which is the sort of thing David would know I would do. I could barely get the door open fast enough with my sticky spare-keys. As soon as I stepped inside I heard the shower going and I knew exactly what to do. As usual, David had left his phone on the kitchen table; normally I wouldn’t dream of looking through someone’s phone, but this time it was necessary. My hear beat heavily, I felt I could almost feel it in my throat and my sweaty fingers fumbled through photos, albums, screen-shots, folders, web-history, anything, looking for an iota of this so-called proof.

And I found nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’d even checked in the trash and any evidence of deleted history but there was none. There was nothing to see. There never had been.

“Laura, what are you doing?”

David stood in the doorway, dressed in jeans and t-shirt and rubbing his wet hair with a towel. One look at my face was enough to tell him what and the smile disappeared from his face.

“There is no proof, is there?” I said quietly. When he didn’t answer I continued, “You told me there were pictures, texts, emails you had that proved Tom had slept with this girl. There aren’t any, and you haven’t deleted them because that’s not the sort of thing you’d do. So I’ll ask you one more time; there is no ‘proof’ is there?”

He gulped slowly before saying blankly, “No.”

A wild, mirthless laugh escaped my lips. David still did not move from his spot so I simply pushed past him to get to the spare room, avoiding his frantic grasps and pleads of, “No, sweetheart, I can explain…”

These whining fell on deaf ears as I continued to push my things hastily into my suitcase. I was having serious flashbacks of when I’d done this before. I lugged myself and my small collection of belongings to the door, David still dogging my heels, and then I rounded on him.

“Ok, just tell me this then,” I exploded. “Why?”

“Because I love you!”

“No, you really don’t.”

“Well I care about you enough that I couldn’t bear to see you wasted on that talentless arse-wipe twat…” but David never got to finish his sentence because that was when my fist collided with his nose.

“Don’t ever speak like that about Tom again, ok?” I snarled. “And don’t you dare say you love me because if you were you wouldn’t let me do something as cruel as what I did. Only a completely heartless fuck-wit like you would behave so atrociously towards someone as good as him, who has done you no harm.” I took one last good look at his astonished, bleeding, smashed face. “Goodbye, David,” I said firmly and I finally shut that door behind me for good.

Out on the streets, surrounded by my luggage, hyped on fury and adrenaline as well as horror as what I had truly done to Tom hit me, I started to experience another over-whelming state of deja-vu as I once again found myself stuck with no one to run to. Then I remembered; Stefan hadn’t been the only one persistently trying to get me to sort things out with Tom. I flicked through my contacts, took a deep breath and hit dial. Please pick up, please pick up. My hopes were for the moment pinned on the reliable Benedict Cumberbatch.

I sat on Ben’s sofa, sniffling into the cripplingly strong cup of tea he’d made me as soon as we’d got back to his house, straight after firmly sitting me down and shoving a box of tissues under my nose. Benedict came back into the room with his own tea and set it down before sitting beside me. He didn’t say anything, just looked at me understandingly and kindly, prompting me to burst immediately into very loud, messy tears. “I’ve…been…such…an…idiot!” I choked snottily, tears dripping into my tea. “I can’t believe…I can’t believe I did that…to him!”. I now managed to put down the trembling mug in my hand and blew my nose noisily. “He must hate me.”

Benedict finally spoke up then. “He doesn’t hate you,” he said, firmly but gently. I laughed disbelievingly but he pressed on. “He doesn’t, Laura. He still very much loves you.”

“How can he?” I countered. “How? After everything I did.”

Ben sighed and gently took my hand. “I won’t lie to you,” he said, not unkindly, “he’s hurt. Very much so. But then, so are both of you. And he knows that too. He loves you, Laura, and Tom is man with a lot of deep feeling and integrity. He’s not about to throw that away lightly.”

“He’ll never want to see me again, I know it,” I said helplessly, shaking my head. “Why would he? I wouldn’t want to see me. I know him well enough to know that I’ve harmed him beyond the point of forgiveness. He’ll never want to see me again.”

Ben shook his head, now smiling lightly. “You’re wrong.”

I looked at him cuttingly. “What on earth would make you think that?”

He looked up at me, and I saw the glimmer of a secret about his face. “Because he told me,” Benedict said.

My mouth fell open. “You spoke to him? When?”

Down the hall, I heard the doorbell ring once, short and abrupt. Benedict unfolded himself from the chair he’d been sat in and stood up, making his way to the door.

“About ten minutes ago, while I made your tea,” he said, as he walked out of the living room to go and open the door.

If I was speechless then, it was nothing to how I felt a moment later, when Benedict re-entered the room, followed by the only person I really wanted to see, and also couldn’t bear to face.

Tom’s P.O.V

She looked an absolute mess, and yet due to the agonising time apart she’d never looked so beautiful to me. As I entered the room, she shot to her feet, clattering the mug of tea she’d been holding down onto the coffee table in front of her, to stand there shaking. Although she looked soft and gentle, dressed in dark jeans and plain grey jumper, and her curly red hair was brushed but bounced round her face, in contrast her skin was pale and drawn, with dark circles under her eyes which were red from crying. I’d never wanted to hold her so much but I forced myself not to rush to her, not knowing how she’d react. Laura just stood there for a moment, with a look of shock and something else on her face. There remained a deafening silence for a moment longer, before Benedict coughed lightly and said “I’ll leave you two to talk alone, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” shooting me a small smile and shutting the door quietly behind him. Laura and I stood and stared at each other a little longer. Eventually, I spoke.

“Laura, I’m so sorry…”

But that was as far as I got before she interrupted, shaking her head and scrunching up her eyes to stop herself crying.

“No, Tom, please don’t. Please, I’m sorry. I can’t… I can’t forgive myself for what I did to you, it was so awful, so please don’t try and be nice to me, I don’t deserve it.”

“Oh, so you think I was blameless in all of this?” I said abruptly, the anger I felt directed largely at myself. “Laura, what I was… there are no words. The girl in the photo, the one that kissed me… there’s no explanation or excuse other than I was drunk and reacted too late to get her away from me before a photo was taken. It meant nothing and I didn’t ever consciously try to encourage her, I should have told you straight away, but I was worried and stressed with David having contacted you, and more than that I was deeply ashamed. But nothing compared to the shame I feel right now.”

Laura stood quaking silently for a few more seconds before speaking herself. “I know it didn’t mean anything. I know that you’re truthful and sincere in everything you’ve just said.” Her bottom lip trembled a little. “I love you so much, but I let fear and past hurt make me act in ways that I don’t recognise, and that you didn’t deserve. I don’t know how you can ever forgive me.”

I could see that she was about to start crying again and I knew that if she did, so would I. Without thinking I crossed the room in two strides, took her in my arms and held her tightly against my body, burying my face in her hair. It took a second for me to realise that her arms had also gone around me and gripped my back tightly and desperately. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she sobbed quietly into my neck. I leant back and held her face in my hands.

“I love you,” I said simply. “And I will always be honest with you, and trust you, if you will allow me to.”