#crybabysatan

Long story short I left an abusive marriage and found my soulmate, found out I was the cat girl the whole time, and now I get piggy back rides from the literal most sunshine I’ve ever had in my life. She makes having allergies worth it. I breathe easier too, after a loooot of therapy(yes touch the sky has been in constant rotation shush). Healing hasn’t been easy. Like at all. But it’s felt a hell of a lot better than I have in years.

It was all because I read WWTWTG and LYSMWS and realized beautiful things that made me feel my own heartbeat in my chest still existed. I discovered pug and cousin first, I will say that, so I was def a Compass and YAM FOG fan as well if that tells you ANYTHING. Yall kept me alive. It feels very strange to admit this to a stranger online that I’ve only ever talked to in passing. But it’s the truth.

Anyway. I’m the one that asked about getting Yang’s line about destruction as a tattoo on ao3. While I’m not going to be getting that one today, I am in fact sitting in the waiting room preparing to get a Blake tattoo to commemorate the show being saved. My artist is also a huge fan. I linked them WWTWTG and the playlist for inspiration, cause we’re adding flowers to gambol shroud.

It’s kind of cathartic actually.

Thanks, sky.

-was hazed by my cis coworkers in a factory setting where they expected me to do the work of at least three people strength wise bc “you’re a man now”

-falsely accused by my ex spouse of stealing a car that was mine in all but title(we bought it together, I paid for the son of a bitch, but they wouldn’t let me put my name on the title bc that was a line with my ex)

-had to explain financial dependency to a white cop thirty years older than me that almost shot me for *checks notes* being correct about the law and becoming rightfully and vocally annoyed at him for calling me stupid to my face and watched him reach for his gun when I said “excuse me???”

-Oh and bonus almost lost my wife that day bc she saw him go for his gun and jumped in between us with her back turned to him.

-was turned away from aid from the local domestic abuse shelter bc I identify as a trans man and that made them uncomfy.

-was also shunned by ex coworkers who were very much like friends to me bc they didn’t want to pick sides(one of them said usually it’s the guy doing the abuse so idk who to believe….yes to my face. That same person I found out also had minor allegations in a different state against them so…grain of salt I guess….)

But like here’s the thing. I don’t feel comfortable in spaces meant for men. I don’t. Those are spaces meant for “real men” and I don’t belong there as I am an “imposter.” I’m not a “real man” I’m just a little girl who shops in the men’s section at Walmart. And that is not fucking fun or safe for me, who struggles to participate anyway.

I may not identify as a woman now. But I will always identify *with* women. I will always be a grown ass man with all of the trauma of a teenage autistic girl who didn’t have many friends and didn’t know why people didn’t like her.

It’s just really fucking frustrating. Being treated like my identity is a betrayal, like I’m a traitor to women because I flipped sides. Like bro I still cry and throw up when a small enough animal is present. I still delight in morning teas and soft light in my window. I still crave all of those things that are inherently “feminine”! I simply cannot enjoy it fully in its entirety with these massive fucking tits I didn’t fucking want!

But I have genuinely never felt like trans men and trans women have different levels of struggle. I figured trans meant we all got the shit end of the stick in the patriarchy(differently yes, but like). I figured queer meant there was a community that, no matter what races and nationalities and backgrounds we all came from, we all had a common ground to fight for each other on. Like. Forgive me for being a hopeful dumbass ten years ago but I genuinely thought if I left tumblr alone to simmer for a bit, the queer discourse would chill and I could come back and chill.